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"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." 

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Five reasons to love Paul Ryan’s newest Budget!

Serious BudgetPaul Ryan has a history of producing the bestest budgets that solve all of the world’s problems. They are filled with awesomesauce and can be expected to end all poorness and debt by the year 2050. Unfortunately, big mean liberals have not actually allowed any of his previous budgets to get any further than the House of Representatives. But that hasn’t stopped him from trying, and trying, and trying.

We looked at his latest budget, and we have dug up all of the most awesome things about it. Look and see.

1. It raises taxes on middle class families with children!

Now, liberals are going to cry about this, which is weird because usually they love raising taxes. But this is actually GREAT because the extra tax money won’t be used for stupid liberal things like paying for roads or food stamps: it will be used to pay for tax breaks for people with incomes over $1 million. SCORE!

2. It cuts investments in roads and bridges.

This goes without saying. Roads and bridges are French and gay. Roads meet the Wikipedia definition of socialism. Any road that isn’t a private toll road is destroying our national morality.

Besides, we need that money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

3. It cuts every level of education from early childhood to community college.

Again, pretty obvious: so-called “education” is really indoctrination where people learn that carbon dioxide traps heat, the earth is more than 6000 years old, and sometimes biological organisms change from one generation to the next. Obviously all lies straight from the pit of hell. Children are much better off learning everything they need to know from Hobby Lobby.

Additionally, we need the extra money for the people with incomes over $1 million.

4. It would slash food stamps.

Food stamps make people lazy and poor. Do you want proof? Think about shows you’ve seen on the history channel about the way things were, say, 4000 years ago. Nobody was lazy back then, right? No, they all hunted and gathered and ran away from big animals. None of them were lazy.

And also: there were no food stamps. I rest my case.

Additionally, we need that money for people with incomes over $1 million.

But most importantly…..

5. It completely repeals the Affordable Care Act

We are so excited about this we just can’t contain ourselves. We’ve been beating the drum about wanted Obamacare repealed for so long we’ve actually forgotten why… except that it has something to do with freedom.

Freedom, my friends. Granted, this budget will raise the health care costs for millions of families and businesses. It will eliminate the coverage for the 3 million young adults who have gained coverage by staying on their parent’s plan through Obamacare. It will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who have signed up for private insurance plans through the Marketplaces. And it will eliminate coverage for the millions of people who gained coverage through the expansion of Medicaid.

Isn’t that AWESOME? This is what freedom tastes like.

Thank you,  Paul Ryan.

More Reading:

budget.house.gov/fy2014/
Ryan’s Budget Would Cut $5 Trillion in Spending Over a Decade
Reid: Paul Ryan’s budget a blueprint for ‘Kochtopia’
Obama White House Drops A Fact Bomb That Eviscerates Paul Ryan’s Bogus Budget

 
2 Comments  comments 

Tetrahydrocannabinol has a liberal bias! #420NO

Some say legalize marijuanna but I say #420no

It is not often that I agree with the federal government, but in the case of the Marijuana they could not be any more on point. The Marijuana is just as bad as heroin or methamphetamine, it has no medical value, and it is very addictive.

Real American patriots, such as writers at Townhall.com and The Heritage Foundation, agree. Millions of people are addicted to The Marijuana; it destroys your brain, your body, and even makes you fool around with that guy you were emotionally attracted to your sophomore year of college even though you are straight and did not find him physically attractive… but I digress.

So why is the nation suddenly becoming captivated with the Marijuana? Even conservative utopias like Arizona are legalizing it for medical purposes. Liberals say it greatly improves their lives, treating everything from seizures to migraines, in addition to enrichening the Bob Marley estate and making food taste really super, super good.

So what is the deal? Why does it seem like God-fearing patriots like you and me have had such a negative experience with marijuana, while so many others have found it to have a profoundly positive impact on their lives?

The answer, clearly, is that its active ingredient, tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), has a LIBERAL BIAS!!!!!

Isolated by Israeli scientists in the 1960s, THC has been extensively researched but the science regarding its effects on the human body only remain a theory, much like evolution and gravity. Thus, we cannot be sure that THC does not discriminate between liberal and conservative users.

Some people say that when members of the Democrat party ingest THC, they are given a satisfying high that reduces stress and somehow allows them to enjoy the music of Phish. When conservatives ingest that same anti-America molecule, on the other hand…

Frankly, this is one of the only times that I will admit I am a little jealous about being a great American instead of a Farmers Market-shopping, hybrid car-driving, non-missionary sex-having Democrat. My flirtation with the Devil’s Grass just gave me a headache and made my blood run cold.

THC MUST have a liberal bias, or else why would it punish me for being a patriot?

So next time you are tempted to inject ganja, remember that it will only feel good…if you are un-American!

The next time someone asks you if you want to smoke weed, show that you are a good conservative by saying something cool and clever like smell ya later!

(NOTE: We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above diagram of THC to signify its liberal bias.)

 
3 Comments  comments 

Hobby Lobby pays to kill innocent babies by forced abortion in China

Hobby Lobby says they are Christian. They say they love God. They claim that the reason they don’t want to pay for employee health insurance is that some of that money might end up paying for someone’s abortion, and they hate abortion. This is their argument:

1) If we pay for health insurance for our employees, that money goes into a pool of money that the health insurance company has to pay for things.

2) If that health insurance company covers abortions, then they might take some money out of that pool and give it to a hospital that performed an abortion.

3) Therefore, if we pay for health insurance for our employees it is the same as if we were paying for abortions.

Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.

Hobby Lobby thinks that paying for insurance that pays hospitals that pays doctors who perform abortions is like paying for abortions.

As a result, they object, because they don’t want to pay for abortions.

This style of argument is common. This is the same logic that we use to deny public funding to Planned Parenthood, even though only a teeny tiny fraction of what Planned Parenthood does has anything to do with abortion.  The logic is like this:

1) If public money goes to Planned Parenthood, then it goes into  a big bucket with all of their other money.

2) Some part of the money in that bucket might get used to pay a doctor who performs an abortion.

3) Therefore, if any public money at all goes to Planned Parenthood in any way, then it is the same as if we are paying for abortions.

Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.

Using tax money to pay Planned Parenthood who might use some of that money to pay a doctor to perform an abortion is like paying for an abortion.

As a result, we object to public money going to Planned Parenthood, because we don’t want to pay for abortions. As you can see, the logic is impeccable.

Unfortunately, THERE IS A PROBLEM!!!!

Hobby Lobby buys some of its materials from Chinese companies! Now, everybody knows that Chinese companies pay money to the Chinese government in taxes, and the Chinese government forces women in China to have abortions.

Notice, this follows exactly the same logic:

1) If Hobby Lobby pays companies in China for their products, then that money goes into a big pool of money owned by the Chinese company.

2) If that Chinese company pays taxes, then some of their tax money will go toward GOVERNMENT-FORCED ABORTIONS IN CHINA.

3) Therefore, when Hobby Lobby buys products from China it is exactly as if Hobby Lobby is FORCING CHINESE PEOPLE TO GET ABORTIONS.

When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.

When Hobby Lobby buys products made in China it is exactly as if they are forcing Chinese women to have abortions.

Clearly, as you can see, the logic is the same.

So, Hobby Lobby, I ask you this:

Why do you hate babies?

Why do you hate God?

Don’t you realize that the only way to be Godly–using the logic that you are using to deny employees health insurance–is to make everything yourself and not interact with the world economy at all?

Honestly, Hobby Lobby. I thought you were better than this.

Baby-killers.

 

 
8 Comments  comments 

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