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Halloween costume tips for the Good Christian Conservative

As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!

Many of you didn’t heed last year’s warning that Halloween has a Satanic liberal bias and will eat your children, so this year I’m going to offer a Biblical approach. Go ahead and dress up on October 31, but not because it’s “Halloween”. Instead, dress up because God says it’s fun to dress up!

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)

There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!

(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)

 

Armor of God

“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)

Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!

“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)

Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.

“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)

Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!

End Times costume

“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)

What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.

Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!

If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:

“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)

A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.

Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:

  1. NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
  2. DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
  3. DO NOT GET GORY!  “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
  4. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.

Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!

 
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Talk radio discusses black marriage and racism

I think it’s fantastic when conservatives feel comfortable being blunt and honest about how tough it is to be a Christian. Here is a sample of a discussion that actually happened on talk radio earlier today.

 

THIS CONVERSATION ACTUALLY HAPPENED (**)

Radio Caller: I’m really worried that these black activists are going to try to force my church to perform black marriages. Even though… I mean, I have nothing against black people. But it’s against my beliefs. But I’m being told that I’m a bad person for believing that.

Radio Host: You’re absolutely right. Well, this is the tactic that the left is using right now. They are trying to make Christians ashamed of their beliefs. If you believe that marriage is defined by Jesus, and so you happen to disagree with black marriage, for religious reasons… now all of a sudden you are bigoted. You are called a “racist”.

Radio Caller: That’s right. And that’s horrible, I’m not racist!

Radio Host: That’s right! Nobody wants to be called a racist or a bigot. It feels bad. It’s such a horrible thing to call someone. So that is the left’s strategy, they will start throwing out the word “racist”, when all you want to do is stop black people from getting married…. it’s really unfair. It’s an emotional manipulation that the liberals are doing to try to get their way. They are saying that just because you want to stop black marriages, that somehow that means you’re racist. It’s ridiculous!

 

(**NOTE: Since the word “gay” is so offensive, we have replaced the word “gay” in the above conversation with the word “black”. But, you know, the basic argument is the same.)

Ben Fergusan conservative talk radio host

 
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Polls with more than 2 answers have liberal bias!

Obamacare Polling Data

Everyone knows that there is only one proper way to word a polling question about Obamacare: do you think it is perfect in every way, or do you hate it?

So the CNN / ORC poll questions, results shown above, are clearly improper and are filled with liberal bias.

Why? Because this poll allowed people to give three possible answers. Instead of simply asking “Approve” or “Disapprove”, it allowed the people who disapprove to rate it as either “Too Liberal” or “Not Liberal Enough”.

This kind of verbal gymnastics is way too complicated for good, normal Americans to deal with. Why?

Because when it was phrased this way, it makes it seem as though…. well…. somehow, it seems as though Americans are overwhelmingly liberal!

Look at the graph. When you combine the people who approve of Obamacare with the people who disapprove because they think it is not liberal enough, it adds up to about half of all Americans! On the other hand, only about 39% think that Obamacare is too liberal.

WTFBBQ, America?

This is not an acceptable result.

 

We are much happier with a poll that simply combines all of the “Oppose” answers together, because that gives the impression that only 38% if Americans “approve” of Obamacare …. and, you know, we can just let people assume that everyone who doesn’t “approve” of Obamacare must agree with the Tea Party.

After all, that’s the strategy used by the New York Times and others: ask “approve” or “disapprove”, and let the pundits decide what “disapprove” means.

Actually allowing polls to have more than two answers… well, that just leads to liberal bias!!

 

[Hat Tip to Jeff from Bray New World for the the story and polling links.]

 
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