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Social justice for Christmas

It’s that time of year again: time to start fighting against the war on Christmas! And this year, we will fight against liberals by spreading social justice!

Now, I know what you are thinking: “social justice” is something that Christmas-hating-progressives rant about. But believe it or not, there is a way to do social justice the right way!

Reclaiming Language for the Right!

This article is part of a series that explores the ways that conservatives can “take back” some of the phrases that Democrats have been using to push the liberal agenda. Check out the whole series.

Social Justice
Invest in Change

In the God-breathed Bible, we read in the Gospel accounts that Jesus preached justice, he worked for justice, and he embodied justice. As followers of Jesus, it is vital that we demand justice in the face of heinous bigotry, most especially the War on Christmas.

How? Here are 4 tangible ways to combat the war on Christmas with Jesus-like justice:

  1. Statistically speaking, America has the highest incarceration rate and the largest total prison population in the entire world. How can we help these inmates?
    Drop off buckets of “Keep the Christ in Christmas” buttons! Just like our suburban neighbors, these prisoners deserve to know that Jesus…. not Rachel Maddow and her crazy anti-Christmas rants… is the reason for the season!
  2. Studies show that of all industrialized nations, America is the most obese.  This just gives you the perfect opportunity!
    Hand out Christian leaflets at your local fast food restaurant! As those fat parents bring in their fat children, hand them a booklet of love, remind them that Christ was born and can save them from their obesity through God’s all-mighty power. Before they can shove another nugget into their floppy mouths, hand them a tract of Christmas love.
  3. The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the world. Sadly it’s this time of year that many young women whore themselves out to get pregnant. We as pro-life Christians should come to their assistance, out of love for justice. How shall we do that?
    Show up in the hospital dressed as Jesus and yell at them for being whores. There are few greater ways to convert the lost than to literally bring them before the judgment of Jesus.
  4. Americans take more prescription drugs than any other developed nation in the world. We all know its because the liberal agenda causes depression. With great pain I’m sure you understand that many American’s rely on pills rather than the power of prayer to fight the Devils left-wing depression-causing attacks. So what can you do to spread Christ’s justice in the world?
    Wish every single person you meet “Merry Christmas!” How healing it is when we offer the verbal blessing of Christmas to people! Much better than liberal “healthcare”. We are able to speak Biblical truth and witness to our cashiers, barista’s, lawyers, house-maids, and baby sitters all with a simple “Merry Christmas!”

This year, as Santa tumbles down your chimney, be sure not to let the demonic religions that the left wing anti-American’s promote take over! Fight back with the power of the justice of Jesus Christ… with buttons, flyers for fat people, yelling at whores, and of course wishing a joyous Merry Christmas to all!

Santa bringing justice to the heathens.

Santa bringing justice to the heathens.

 
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What REALLY caused the deficit to go down? YOU DECIDE.

The deficit is going down BUT NOT BECAUSE OF OBAMA, OK????

The deficit has been decreasing dramatically ever since 2009. For years, good conservatives have been trying to deny this fact, but it is finally time to admit it.

Whatever.

BUT, just because we are admitting that the deficit has gone down does not mean that liberal Barack Hussein Obama should get credit for it. Sure, it’s true that he was elected in 2009, and we have used that simple fact to prove that Obama is responsible for everything from lightning to suicide. However, in this case, it just makes no sense to give Obama credit for a reduced deficit. He is a liberal, after all.

Therefore, we have turned to Wikipedia and The Internets for other events that happened in 2009 that might be possible explanations for this unprecedented conservative success!  (I’m talking about the deficit reduction. Duh.)

Below are some of the candidates that we have found. For conservatives, all of these are more likely to be the cause of deficit reduction than anything that Obama has done.

Help us to decide which of the following events was the true cause of our decreasing deficit, by casting your vote below!

 

online poll by Opinion Stage

 

 
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How do Democrats keep winning elections? REVEALED!

I have never understood how liberals win elections.

Sure, every single media outlet (except this one) is part of the liberal agenda, but still. Supposedly, it is because minorities vote for Democrats. That does not make sense to me, because they are, by definition, in the minority.

It’s no wonder that patriotic states are enforcing new voter ID laws. Even if these laws prevent real people from voting, who cares? They’re voting for liberals and liberals are basically not Americans anyway.

However, after entire minutes of investigation, I have found that the truth behind how liberals win elections is literally unbelievable… and I can prove it!

On October 10th, the father of Newark Mayor Cory Booker passed away from Parkinson’s disease…or so that’s what they want you to think. Booker, who was running for New Jersey Senate, suspended all campaign events in order to grieve the loss. At the time, Booker held a steady lead in all the liberal polls, but was clearly losing to Republican opponent Steve Lonegan (if you unskewed the polls).

Six days later, Cory Booker won the special election by over 10 points. This was shocking to many, because not only did Lonegan have the support of popular New Jersey governor Chris Christie, but also senators Rand Paul and even liberal socialists like Ted Cruz. The only logical explanation is that there must be a connection between winning the election and his father’s death.

This is not the first time this sequence of events has occurred. On November 3, 2008, Barack Hussein Obama’s grandmother passed away in “Hawaii,” the fictional group of islands that Obama claims to be from and my parents claim to have gone on for their honeymoon.

The next day, Obama stunned the country by receiving more votes for President than Sarah Palin…I mean, John McCain. Literally nobody expected this, and yet it happened. I am not the first person to notice how fishy this is:  beforeitsnews.com theorized that Obama poisoned his grandmother with mercury because he did not want people to find out she was a communist, which makes much more sense than the bland suggestion that she was 86 years old and had a myriad of health problems that come with old age.

These two data points conclusively and undeniably prove that Democrats have to kill family members in order to win elections!

How exactly does that work, you might ask?

If you are anything like my mother, you may think this helps liberals win elections by making voters sympathetic to the candidates right before the election, effectively winning the last few days of the news cycle. But if you are anything like my mother, you’re wrong!

Democrat-loving Baphomet has liberal biasI asked my secret source within the Democratic National Committee, whom I cannot reveal, and he told me that with money from Van Jones and ACORN, they employ a demonologist to communicate with Baphomet, an ancient goat-headed deity commonly associated with the Illuminati. It is common knowledge that 1. the Illuminati is totally a real thing and 2. It got a Muslim atheist from Kenya that even makes John McCain look like a conservative elected President.

Is it possible that these otherwise inexplicable deaths were actually blood sacrifices to the Demon Baphomet?

Could it be that Democrats, in their desperate and craven quest for power have employed unholy forces that allow them to win elections against all odds or rational sense?

Is there even a remote chance that any of this is true???

We report, you decide.

 


 

There is only one inconsistency that makes me question my own theory. Sacrificial offerings to a higher power are a big part of the Old Testament, the only part of the Bible we know to be 100% factually accurate. Since all liberals are Muslim atheists who believe in helping their fellow man instead of the teachings of Jesus, why would they subscribe to beliefs held in the Old Testament? How could they?

Perhaps liberals are learning the way of the good book. Maybe there’s hope for them after all.

 
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