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"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." 

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Exclusive interview with Ted Cruz!

If you have been reading this column over the last several weeks, you know that I, as a proud patriot and right-wing warrior, am not as enamored with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) as most real Americans are. While he seems to have become a conservative hero after being instrumental in the government shutdown, I have yet to be convinced that he is not a Democrat party sleeper cell bent on destroying the Republican party, therefore destroying America. After all, he is a Canadian.

With that in mind, I am the luckiest investigative journalist on God’s 6000 year old Earth. While eating at Chipotle, a distinctly American delicacy, I noticed something shocking about the man making my food. His nametag said: “Ted Cruz – Assistant Manager”!

Ted Cruz, unmasked!My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I realized I had unprecedented access to one of the hottest names in the conservative movement…and a man I want to expose for the socialist atheist Kenyan Muslim he really is!

When I asked him if I could interview him, Cruz looked perplexed. He said that his shift was up in 30 minutes and that I could wait at my table. I ate my meal and proceeded to refill my 44 ounce cup of Mr. Pibb twice thanks to my governor, Jan Brewer, not being a freedom hating nazi like Michael Bloomberg.

Finally, he came to my table and told me I could ask him anything. Before you read any further, I want you to know that Cruz was very forthcoming to me. In fact, his answers are so revealing, I could not believe my ears. I seriously deserve a Pulitzer or something. I have attached the complete, unedited interview below.

LiberalBias: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Mr. Cruz.

Ted Cruz: No problem, but can we make this quick? Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is on in an hour.

LiberalBias: I’ll try to keep things brief. I just want to know what you think about some political issues.

Ted Cruz: Uh, sure. I don’t watch the news very often, but I read posts on Facebook and stuff.

LiberalBias: How do you feel about Obamacare?

Ted Cruz: I don’t know very much about it, you know? But I’m glad that I can finally buy health insurance for me and my son. I have asthma so I have never been able to have health insurance before, and I can finally take my eight-year-old to get check-ups.

LiberalBias: Aha! So you don’t hate Obamacare!

Ted Cruz: Well, no. I’m sure there must be something awful about it because a lot of my friends really hate it, but as far as I can tell it seems okay. I just wish the website would work so I could actually enroll, you know?

LiberalBias: But why would you ever want to enroll? It’s socialism!

Ted Cruz: Uh… for the reasons I just said? Hey, are you OK? You seem like you’re sweating a lot.

LiberalBias: Didn’t you spend 21 hours on the Senate floor ranting about how Obamacare is tyranny?

Ted Cruz: Uh… no? I never said that. I think I’m gonna go…

LiberalBias: No, wait! Let me just ask you a few more questions. Who did you vote for in the last election?

Ted Cruz: I voted for Obama. Mitt Romney probably would have been okay, but he seemed a bit out of touch with what hardworking people like me go through just to get by, you know?

LiberalBias: But you’re a Republican!

Ted Cruz: I’m… actually not. Hey…this is a little… awkward. I think I’m going to go now. Hope you got enough for your story. Sorry I can’t help you more.

LiberalBias: I knew you were a traitor! I knew you were trying to destroy America! Just wait until the internet hears about this! Everyone will know! Everyone will know the real you!

 

At this point, the shift leader at Chipotle forced me to leave the premises, realizing that I caught Ted Cruz in his web of lies!

The interview was brief and I did not get to ask him very much, but somehow I was able to make him tell the truth about who he really is. Ted Cruz is not a Republican at all. He loves Obamacare and even voted for Obama!

If you didn’t believe me before, I bet you feel really silly right now.

 
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The government shutdown IS a jobs plan, and this graph is proof!

If you have been cheating on LiberalBias this week with lesser news outlets, you will have noticed that nobody in the liberal media has been reporting on the important issues.

For example, every news outlet has completely ignored the fact that the healthcare.gov website has experienced glitches! Not only that, but there has not been a single report about how Barack Hussein Obama lied about people being able to keep their insurance plans.

He is forcing me to get a new insurance plan that covers emergency services and mental health. Why? Do I seem like I have mental problems? G-Men are following me! They’re afraid I can tear down their institutions through my fearless reporting!

People shouldn’t have “emergency services”, anyway. When I was 11 and I had a gnarly injury during a Little League game, an ambulance had to come and take me to the hospital. My insurance did not cover ambulance rides, and my parents were billed $2000. Under Obamacare, ambulance services would have to be covered… which really just makes it less special.

How dare the government make ambulances affordable for a blue-collar family like mine! I loved being in that ambulance because I knew it was expensive. Now anybody can ride in one. What’s next? Kids can smoke vodka and take doobies? Welcome to Obama’s America, people.

With the liberal machine exerting its iron-gripped control over the media, I can guarantee you that it will not ignore is October’s job numbers.

Last Friday, the White House released the October jobs report, revealing that the U.S. Economy added 204,000 jobs during the month. How can that be? Didn’t the Obama administration and economists warn that the “government shutdown” would hurt hirings and cause private enterprise billions, even though the only things that got shut down were veterans memorials and the socialist redistribution of wealth to kids with cancer?

Yet somehow, that resulted in 850,000 government employees being furloughed, which begs the question: Why do all these people work for the government instead of in real jobs that we’re allowing low-skilled illegal immigrants to work for under minimum wage? These are good jobs that hardworking Americans would be lucky to have!

I think the government shutdown was a wonderful thing. I think the government should always be shut down, as do all real conservatives. But in this case, the Democrat Party was also not trying to re-open the government, because they refused to go along with the Republican Party’s demands to defund Obamacare.

So why would a liberal communist atheist Muslim like Obama agree with me?

The answer, my friends, is in the October jobs report.

Remember these basic axioms of Conservative Truth:

1) Reducing the government will lead to job growth

2) Therefore, shutting down the government should lead to extra-super-job-growth-times-infinity

3) Obama secretly knows this, but will never admit it.

Therefore,

4) Obama allowed the government to shut down temporarily as part of his secret plan to boost jobs and make it seem as though all of his other ridiculous policies, like Obamacare, are not a complete and utter failure.

Do you still need proof that the government shutdown was all part of a deliberate plot by Obama to boost the economy based on conservative principles?  Just look at this  graph:

The government shutdown created jobs and this is proof!!

Now, just imagine what wonderful things would happen if he just went along with all of the other conservative principles, like creating a regressive tax code, defunding Medicare and Social Security, and banning gay marriage at the federal level!

It would be a true New Utopia, making China look like a banana republic and the United States look like…. well, Banana Republic!

 

 
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Invest in global warming

Reclaiming Language for the Right!

This article is part of a series that explores the ways that conservatives can “take back” some of the phrases that Democrats have been using to push the liberal agenda. Check out the whole series.

Social Justice
Invest in Change

It’s a beautiful 72 degrees here in San Diego. The sky is a rich blue that blankets over every direction, and the suns rays are dancing off every object that moves by my office window. It couldn’t get much better than this, and to be honest with you, it rarely does – it’s always this perfect!

With weather like this I just can’t understand why the so-called “science loving liberals” think the world is ending because of global warming!?

Supporters of climate change were in full attack mode as they found out another one of their “theories” (just like the theory of evolution) was drowning at sea as the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change met in Sweden a few days ago to discuss the latest climate findings.

Their conclusion: Earth’s surface temperature has remained pretty much the same for the past 15 years. Take that, environmentalists.

Global Warming? Nuh uh!

But if for some reason these recent findings aren’t correct, if the many many reports on Fox News are wrong, if somehow the 97 percent of environmental experts and peer-reviewed climate studies affirming the rapid global warming over the past 60 years are actually correct, and if it is true that 97 percent of native forests are destroyed, and if it is true that 200 species are driven extinct each and every day, and if it is true that in 1986 the human population reached Earth’s carrying capacity, and if it is true that we have overexploited fisheries, overgrazed pastures, destroyed ecosystems, polluted our oceans and intoxicated the atmosphere…..

…then why don’t we simply embrace, and invest in, the change?

Liberals complain that global warming would raise sea levels and put much of our land underwater. But we don’t need the land or the soil we walk on today! With enough spending, research, and product development we as the human race could live on top of the water! Walmart, hospitals, office buildings, suburbs, dog parks, universities, hair salons, and every other imaginable space needed for life could be built above water. We can create habitats for animals, grow food from engineered seeds, and even have an entire season of water-sport Olympics!

Liberals complain the global warming would lead to mass extinctions of large numbers of animal species. But we don’t need all of these extra animals hanging around. With more spending and research, we could discover exactly which animals are actually important, we can focus on just saving those animals, for example in small refrigerated coolers. Or, we could simply build animal robots to replace them.

Finally, liberals complain that global warming could lead to deaths from heat stroke and other heat-related health problems. But this is a ridiculous argument, since we invented air conditioning a long time ago. If Barack Hussein Obama just took his boot off the necks of businesses and freed them from unnecessary regulations, then I’m sure the prices of air conditioners would drop enough for poor people to afford them, too.

All it takes is believing in the American spirit of innovation!

 

Climate change is obviously false BUT JUST IN CASE IT ISN’T …. Barrack Hussein Obama needs to get his greedy hands off the tech-industries so that we can invest in a new, globally-warmed future!

 
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