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George Bush ad campaign: Jewish pets for Jesus

Our brilliant and poetically attuned former president George W. Bush is reported to have given a speech at a Jews for Jesus event this past week, taking the place of last year’s broadcasting angel Glenn Beck.

However, the Messianic Jewish Bible Institute (MJBI) haven’t released his remarks to their $100K-a-seat gathering. Why? Most people assume that it is because the media has pummeled Bush with anti-Christian rhetoric and put the MJBI on the defense.

But because I have the ability see through the media haze of liberal bias, I am able to see the Truth: Bush’s speech hasn’t been released because he never spoke to these Christian-Jews!

He met with them… but it was for a different agenda.


Pet-Based Marketing: The new frontier

Our former president found something more powerful to offer the “Jews for Jesus” crowd than speeches that tackle heated political discourse: his doggie and kitty artwork!

George Bush paints pets

Former presidents typically do charitable work after their term is over. Can these dogs help the world by being Jewish Dogs for Jesus?

These Jews for Jesus proclaim their mission is to help “educate Christians in their role to provoke the Jewish people to jealousy and thus save some of them”. Well, that sounds like a winning tactic…. but they must have realized that they need something stronger.


"Too Many Puppies...."

“Too Many Puppies….”

Thus, they’ve hired an expert, someone who is known for making America one of the most popular Christian countries in the world: world-renowned artist George W. Bush.

Artist and Philosopher George W. Bush has cunningly tapped into one of the great insights that the internet has given to this generation: the power of picture of animals.

The former President has reportedly painted over 50 dogs, which has recently been discovered to be only a warm-up to paintings of kittens in all their various shapes and sizes.

Are these pieces just what MJBI needs for their marketing plans for the 2014 fiscal year? Can some of Bush’s existing paintings be adapted to the messages of MJBI?

(This is just a hypothetical example of how one of Bush's cute cat paintings could be gloriously transformed into an ad for MJBI)

(A hypothetical example of how one of Bush’s cute cat paintings could be gloriously transformed into an ad for Jews for Jesus.)

This is, of course, just a hypothetical example for illustration purposes.


A new religious phase?

Jeezus catOf course, this would not be the first time that cats have been used to promote a religious agenda. And to be quite honest, the bold integration of President Bush’s cat pictures with a religious message is the only way to actually make sense of his new-found hobby.

Although this is purely speculation for now, the internet has shown that marketing campaigns involving animals are always spectacularly successful.

Perhaps, as an artist, war advocate and humble Christian, Bush will embark on a new phase of painting for this next project. After all, once any budding Christian Artist has reached the Dogs and Cats phase, the next step is clear: depictions of Jesus Himself…. with cats.

All sufficiently advanced Christian artists know: Jesus love cats.

All sufficiently advanced Christian artists pass through a “painting Jesus with cats” phase at some point..

No new George W. Bush paintings of this genre have yet been revealed. But with time, as the MJBI continues to save Jews from their heathen rendition of religion into the one and only True faith, Christianity, they will undoubtedly be using Bush’s next artistic representations… of Jesus riding on cats.

It is the next logical step… and we can only guess what it will look like.

There is much speculation over what Bush's paintings of Jesus-with-cats might looks like. This is one possibility. Click the image for full artist credit info.

There is much speculation over what Bush’s paintings of Jesus-with-cats might looks like. This is one possibility. Click the image for full artist credit info.

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3 amazing facts you would never have guessed about healthcare!

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh talk about Obamacare and contraception yesterday, when suddenly I had an amazing revelation! You will be shocked…

Obamacare makes it easier for women to get contraception, and that will turn them into sluts.

That’s not the revelation. That’s something that Rush Limbaugh has been saying for a long time.

But the details of the argument are important: The reason that contraception will turn women into sluts is that the only thing that is stopping women from having sex with everything that moves is the fear of a negative outcome: pregnancy.

If you remove the negative outcome, well then naturally they will just be humping 24-7.

The revelation is this: we really need to outlaw anything that helps to protect us from negative outcomes.

Fire extinguishers? Why, if you think that you can light things on fire and get away with it, because someone will put it out

Real conservatives, apparently, are against anything that might ever protect anyone from anything. After all, if you know that there is a fire extinguisher around, then that will just make you want to commit arson, right? Because you will know that the fire extinguisher will be there to protect you from the consequences of your bad decision.

Seat belts? They just encourage bad driving. If you know that you might be protected from the negative consequences of bad driving by having a seat belt, that automatically means you will be a worse driver!

So if you are a conservative, you really need to be against all of these things.  Ban them all!

Obamacare encourages promiscuity, and two othe amazing facts I learned from Rush Limbaugh


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Exclusive interview with Ted Cruz!

If you have been reading this column over the last several weeks, you know that I, as a proud patriot and right-wing warrior, am not as enamored with Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) as most real Americans are. While he seems to have become a conservative hero after being instrumental in the government shutdown, I have yet to be convinced that he is not a Democrat party sleeper cell bent on destroying the Republican party, therefore destroying America. After all, he is a Canadian.

With that in mind, I am the luckiest investigative journalist on God’s 6000 year old Earth. While eating at Chipotle, a distinctly American delicacy, I noticed something shocking about the man making my food. His nametag said: “Ted Cruz – Assistant Manager”!

Ted Cruz, unmasked!My jaw dropped to the floor. In that moment, I realized I had unprecedented access to one of the hottest names in the conservative movement…and a man I want to expose for the socialist atheist Kenyan Muslim he really is!

When I asked him if I could interview him, Cruz looked perplexed. He said that his shift was up in 30 minutes and that I could wait at my table. I ate my meal and proceeded to refill my 44 ounce cup of Mr. Pibb twice thanks to my governor, Jan Brewer, not being a freedom hating nazi like Michael Bloomberg.

Finally, he came to my table and told me I could ask him anything. Before you read any further, I want you to know that Cruz was very forthcoming to me. In fact, his answers are so revealing, I could not believe my ears. I seriously deserve a Pulitzer or something. I have attached the complete, unedited interview below.

LiberalBias: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Mr. Cruz.

Ted Cruz: No problem, but can we make this quick? Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is on in an hour.

LiberalBias: I’ll try to keep things brief. I just want to know what you think about some political issues.

Ted Cruz: Uh, sure. I don’t watch the news very often, but I read posts on Facebook and stuff.

LiberalBias: How do you feel about Obamacare?

Ted Cruz: I don’t know very much about it, you know? But I’m glad that I can finally buy health insurance for me and my son. I have asthma so I have never been able to have health insurance before, and I can finally take my eight-year-old to get check-ups.

LiberalBias: Aha! So you don’t hate Obamacare!

Ted Cruz: Well, no. I’m sure there must be something awful about it because a lot of my friends really hate it, but as far as I can tell it seems okay. I just wish the website would work so I could actually enroll, you know?

LiberalBias: But why would you ever want to enroll? It’s socialism!

Ted Cruz: Uh… for the reasons I just said? Hey, are you OK? You seem like you’re sweating a lot.

LiberalBias: Didn’t you spend 21 hours on the Senate floor ranting about how Obamacare is tyranny?

Ted Cruz: Uh… no? I never said that. I think I’m gonna go…

LiberalBias: No, wait! Let me just ask you a few more questions. Who did you vote for in the last election?

Ted Cruz: I voted for Obama. Mitt Romney probably would have been okay, but he seemed a bit out of touch with what hardworking people like me go through just to get by, you know?

LiberalBias: But you’re a Republican!

Ted Cruz: I’m… actually not. Hey…this is a little… awkward. I think I’m going to go now. Hope you got enough for your story. Sorry I can’t help you more.

LiberalBias: I knew you were a traitor! I knew you were trying to destroy America! Just wait until the internet hears about this! Everyone will know! Everyone will know the real you!


At this point, the shift leader at Chipotle forced me to leave the premises, realizing that I caught Ted Cruz in his web of lies!

The interview was brief and I did not get to ask him very much, but somehow I was able to make him tell the truth about who he really is. Ted Cruz is not a Republican at all. He loves Obamacare and even voted for Obama!

If you didn’t believe me before, I bet you feel really silly right now.

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