Domestic US oil production has a liberal bias!

Oil. Black gold. Liquid prosperity. Conservatives know that oil is better than anything else in the earth, including water. As a result, Republicans have been working tirelessly to convince the world’s weakest iron-fisted dictator, Barack Obama, to authorize the Keystone XL pipeline and allow that sweet Canadian happiness to flow to the Gulf of Mexico, leaking jobs, tax cuts and world peace along its way.

Which is why we can’t have graphs like the one below getting out, especially this close to a midterm election which is on November 18 (minus the number of tracks on Ted Nugent’s newest album). (HA HA SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THAT WAS TO CONFUSE ST00PID LIBERALS.)

Domestic US oil production has a liberal bias!

This graph is just… misleading. For one thing, the economy stinks. Sarah Palin told us that if she were elected and we went forward with “Drill, Baby, Drill” it would bring about an Eden-like utopia of bliss and universal wealth.

But we don’t live in an Eden-like utopia, which means the factual data that oil production is up by 50% since 2008 must be incorrect.

The economy is so bad that Americans in many parts of the country are even resorting to making stuff for consumers in other countries. And employers, already beaten down by Obama’s enviro-socialist shock troops, are now suffering under more unfilled job openings than they have in 13 years.

Dreadful.  Clearly, one of the things must be true:

Either A, Obama has happily been increasing domestic oil production, resulting in the lowest gas prices in 4 years and a booming economy.

Or B, Obama is an evil socialist dictator who can’t possibly do anything right, and the economy is terrible no matter what statistics say, and the above graph is just wrong, and your facts are stupid you dumb stupid-head.

 

Clearly, if you’re a good conservative, you have to go with B….

John D. Rockefeller had a liberal bias!

John D. Rockefeller was a liberal!

John Davison Rockefeller: oil tycoon, founder of Standard Oil, multi-bazillionaire. In his lifetime, accused of espionage, price wars, heavy-handed marketing tactics, and courtroom evasions. How could conservatives not admire the man! He is clearly a man after our own conservative, tea-party, regulation-free, oil-loving, big-business hearts!

Yet, with the usual amount of LIBERAL BIAS you see in history books so-called “educational fact-based” things, what you read about the man does not seem totally conservative by today’s standards.

He gave millions of dollars to universities and colleges, even though today’s conservatives know that schools are liberal indoctrination camps designed to turn our children into atheists and homosexuals.

He gave millions to helping medical research and the medical field, even though today’s conservatives know that medicine is a hoax and all you need to heal people is prayer to Jesus.

And now, just yesterday, to add further insult to his name, Stephen Heintz, president of Rockefeller Brothers Fund, is participating in a pro-environmental movement by divesting the Rockefeller money from oil, coal and gas! Heintz says, “We are quite convinced that if [John D. Rockefeller] were alive today, as an astute businessman looking out to the future, he would be moving out of fossil fuels and investing in clean, renewable energy.”

That’s about the least conservative thing I’ve ever heard!!

So what are we to make of all of these historical “facts” about Rockefeller?

Personally, I’m tempted to simply blame the historical facts for being inaccurate. This man was rich, he owned a monopoly, he loved business and oil… obviously he was a conservative, and therefore he must agree with every opinion of today’s conservative movement!

Much like we did with Ronald Reagan, who was against nuclear bombs and loved raising taxes, we will have to go back and forcefully re-write the history of Rockefeller to make sure his true, deep-down conservative nature is honored.

I mean, if we didn’t…. it would just give people the horrifying idea that John D. Rockefeller was somehow, in some minor way, a liberal!!!

 

[* Historical note: We have added the “I love taxes” speech bubble to the image of Rockefeller, above, as a way to illustrate his icky evil liberalness.  SHUDDER.  In reality, of course, he was around before income taxes, which is part of the reason he was able to amass such ginormous amounts of money while most other people were dirt poor.]

Real conservatives drink oil.

Dying of Thirst is the American Way

Thank God for Texans! In Texas, people know that oil and money are way more important than water.

Dying of Thirst is the American Way
Original artwork by Hergé of Tin Tin comics.

 

There is a story that has been completely misrepresented by the liberally bias media.

Across Texas, there are small towns that are completely drying up because the oil industry is using all of their water for fracking.

According to an article in The Guardian, farms are literally drying up, and cattle-herders are losing animals and even having to move or close down, because the wells are going dry.

If the current heat-wave and dryness continue for much longer, with oil companies shipping out what little water exists within town borders, these small population centers could become ghost towns.

The Guardian, a pinko liberally biased publication, calls this a “tragedy”.

THIS IS NOT A TRAGEDY! THIS IS A SUCCESS!

Nay, this is a symbolic embodiment of Freedom Itself!

 

What the liberally biased media won’t tell you is that the oil companies aren’t exactly “stealing” the water from these towns: the people in these towns are selling it willingly.

That’s right! Freedom-loving patriots in Texas, who worship the only two true gods, Jesus and the Bottom Line, just can’t help themselves when the oil companies back a truck load of cash up against their garage doors.

And they literally don’t see a problem with sucking every last drop of water out of their environment until the earth as dry and orange as John Boehner’s post-tan afterglow.

Larry Baxter, for example, is a resident of the small town Mertzon, TX, who is quoted by the Guardian as saying: “People use their water for food and fibre. I choose to use my water to sell to the oil field… I don’t see any difference.”

Only a true patriot could say that he sees no difference between selling water to oil companies, and using it to…. well, you know…. drink and grow food.

If you’re a real conservative, you don’t need water. You drink oil.

 

Seriously, though. Like all good conservatives, he’s motivated by money. If he sucks 20 to 30 trucks’ worth of water out of the ground each day and sells it to the oil companies, he can easily make $36,000 a month.

Of course, when you’re shipping 20 to 30 trucks of water out of a town with very limited wells, eventually you end up with less of a town and more of a tumble weed farm.

But, dude…. $36,000 per month! That’s what freedom is all about!