Ep 11: This video is about deep-fried lard and NOT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. Honest. No, really.

You should totally eat a pound of deep-fried lard every day. It will not make you fat. How do I know? Science has not proven that it will. Zach patiently goes through all of the explanations that “Lard will make you fat”-deniers use to disprove the so-called “science” that some people think shows that eating tons of lard will make you fat. But obviously, that is all just a big conspiracy.

Some people might think that this video is secretly a metaphor for arguments against climate change. That’s just silly.

St00pid liberals.

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Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04UHVVpCxV0

Social justice for Christmas

It’s that time of year again: time to start fighting against the war on Christmas! And this year, we will fight against liberals by spreading social justice!

Now, I know what you are thinking: “social justice” is something that Christmas-hating-progressives rant about. But believe it or not, there is a way to do social justice the right way!

Reclaiming Language for the Right!

This article is part of a series that explores the ways that conservatives can “take back” some of the phrases that Democrats have been using to push the liberal agenda. Check out the whole series.

Social Justice
Invest in Change

In the God-breathed Bible, we read in the Gospel accounts that Jesus preached justice, he worked for justice, and he embodied justice. As followers of Jesus, it is vital that we demand justice in the face of heinous bigotry, most especially the War on Christmas.

How? Here are 4 tangible ways to combat the war on Christmas with Jesus-like justice:

  1. Statistically speaking, America has the highest incarceration rate and the largest total prison population in the entire world. How can we help these inmates?
    Drop off buckets of “Keep the Christ in Christmas” buttons! Just like our suburban neighbors, these prisoners deserve to know that Jesus…. not Rachel Maddow and her crazy anti-Christmas rants… is the reason for the season!
  2. Studies show that of all industrialized nations, America is the most obese.  This just gives you the perfect opportunity!
    Hand out Christian leaflets at your local fast food restaurant! As those fat parents bring in their fat children, hand them a booklet of love, remind them that Christ was born and can save them from their obesity through God’s all-mighty power. Before they can shove another nugget into their floppy mouths, hand them a tract of Christmas love.
  3. The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the world. Sadly it’s this time of year that many young women whore themselves out to get pregnant. We as pro-life Christians should come to their assistance, out of love for justice. How shall we do that?
    Show up in the hospital dressed as Jesus and yell at them for being whores. There are few greater ways to convert the lost than to literally bring them before the judgment of Jesus.
  4. Americans take more prescription drugs than any other developed nation in the world. We all know its because the liberal agenda causes depression. With great pain I’m sure you understand that many American’s rely on pills rather than the power of prayer to fight the Devils left-wing depression-causing attacks. So what can you do to spread Christ’s justice in the world?
    Wish every single person you meet “Merry Christmas!” How healing it is when we offer the verbal blessing of Christmas to people! Much better than liberal “healthcare”. We are able to speak Biblical truth and witness to our cashiers, barista’s, lawyers, house-maids, and baby sitters all with a simple “Merry Christmas!”

This year, as Santa tumbles down your chimney, be sure not to let the demonic religions that the left wing anti-American’s promote take over! Fight back with the power of the justice of Jesus Christ… with buttons, flyers for fat people, yelling at whores, and of course wishing a joyous Merry Christmas to all!

Santa bringing justice to the heathens.
Santa bringing justice to the heathens.

Eating at Chik-Fil-A causes homosexuality.

Homosexual Chicken

Homosexual Chicken

Everyone knows homosexuality is a choice. But what makes people want to choose to be homosexual?

Answer: Eating at Chik-Fil-A.

AND WE HAVE PROOF!!!

Noted scholar and world leader Evo Morales has definitively proven that eating chicken causes male homosexuality. Why? Because chickens that are raised to be eaten are artificially injected with female hormones to make them plump and tasty.  Thus, when a male eats the hormone-filled chicken, it will cause him to deviate from normal maleness and therefore TURN INTO A HOMOSEXUAL.

This stunning revelation casts a sinister and ominous veil of suspicion over the recent events surrounding Chik-Fil-A. Everyone assumes that Chik-Fil-A is conservative and pro-Christian values.

But is it all just a liberal ruse? Are they really part of a liberal plot??

Consider the sequence of events:

1) The president to Chik-Fil-A, Dan Cathy, makes a statement that he hates the gay people.

2) This causes radical homosexual activists to protest against Chik-Fil-A.

3) This in turn lead to a counter-protest called “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day” where trillions and trillions of righteous conservatives bought food from Chik-Fil-A in order to show their support for family values.

Do you realize what this means?   All of those conservatives who were tricked into eating chicken at Chik-Fil-A for “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day” have ingested the female hormones, and thus are about to turn homosexual!

Now of course, Chik-Fil-A denies that they use the hormones in their chicken, but somehow this all seems too perfect and too suspicious.  After all, isn’t that exactly what they would say if they were illegally using hormones in their chicken?  I thought so.

They also deny being liberal, but let me ask you this: WHY would an organization manipulate public opinion in such a way as to cause trillions of people to eat chicken on the same day, and therefore turn homosexual, unless they were liberal gay activists?

The answer is clear: Chick-Fil-A is secretly part of the world-wide liberal conspiracy to turn people gay through the consumption of chicken.

Mark my words, and write down the date and time you read this, because we here at LiberalBias.com are about to make a prediction!

In the next several months or years or, you know, whenever, there will be an explosion of conservatives coming out of the closet, throwing glitter, listening to Madonna, and engaging in other unspeakable acts.  All because they participated in “Chik-Fil-A appreciation day.”

You read it here first.

 

 

Obesity statistics have a liberal bias!

Obesity Propaganda

The above map shows the so-called “obesity” level in different states. Some people have noted that this so-called “obesity” phenomenon appears more  in conservative states than in states with liberal bias. This has been used in liberal propaganda to suggest that something is wrong with conservatives.

This interpretation of the statistics, however, is very biased. For one thing, it is important to remember that correlation is not the same thing as causation. Liberals want you to interpret this to mean that being a conservative causes people to have health problems, which is obviously ridiculous and a sign that liberals have no common sense.

Secondly, who’s to say that so-called “obesity’ is a problem? Maybe obese people are just jolly, like Santa Claus. After all, look at people like Rush Limbaugh, Mark Levine, and Chris Christie. They are so hugely, disgustingly massively obese that whales look at them and think, “Bro, you need to go on a diet.”  They are so enormous that they could feed a family of four using just the food splashes over the sides of their troughs. They are so sordidly gargantuan that, every time they come up in conversation, people break out into spontaneous comedy skits about how fat they are.

And yet, they are the leaders of the conservative movement.

The only logical conclusion is, naturally, that obesity just isn’t that big of a deal.

So instead of viewing the above map as an indicator that something is wrong with conservatives, you should consider the possible alternative explanations.

1) Conservatives are generally happier, because they are in tune with truth and justice and the way that the universe is supposed to work. People who are happy are able to enjoy life, which includes eating tasty food if they want to, which leads them to have a more substantial weight. The supposed phenomenon of “obesity” is just a physical manifestation of happiness.

2) Conservatives are not oppressed by the evil propaganda of environmentalist, vegetarians, vegans, evolutionists, pastafarians, and other radical liberal interest groups that seek to control human behavior because they hate freedom. Because conservatives have more choice, they simply enjoy a wider variety of foods, which leads them to not being as emaciated as do-gooder liberals. Their greater weight is therefore simply a physical manifestation of freedom.

3) Conservatives understand that when the Rapture comes, they will be taken bodily up into heaven, which means the the more body they have, the of heaven they can claim as their own.

These are the true and honest interpretations of this map. Anything else is just liberal bias!!!!

map data source: CalorieLab
map found via: The Centrist Word