Ep 24: 2014 midterm elections PROVE there is liberal media bias!

Did you know that Republicans made gains in the Senate, the House, and Governorships across the United States in the 2014 Midterm Elections? Of course you didn’t, because we have a liberally biased media.

All the media has been talking about in the Liberal News has been liberal victories like gun control, pot legalization, fracking bans, minimum wage increases… the list goes on and on.

That’s what the media has been focusing on, right? Of course it is. Because we have a liberally biased media.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjPy7DUgRj0

The Definitive Republican Alternative to Obamacare REVEALED!

An artist's depiction of how conservatives write bills in Washington.
An artist’s depiction of how Republican alternatives to Obamacare are written.

Recently, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama announced that his government takeover of America’s healthcare system, the Affordable Care Act, allegedly reached its goal of enrolling over 7 million Americans. The Democrat party is touting this biased statistic as a sign that the law, which takes away your ability to make your own healthcare decisions while enabling women to get abortions in the aisles of dissenting Hobby Lobby stores.

While real conservatives like Paul Ryan and Bobby Jindal have proposed plans, their plans have all been criticized for containing elements that are either not conservative, or are unpopular, or both. I have been able to come up with a complete alternative to Obamacare that is both based on conservative principles and known to poll well with the American people!

My proposal, The Operations, Bandages, Acupuncture, Mammography and Sometimes Ultrasound X-Rays Act, or The OBAMASUX Act for short, is a comprehensive plan that fixes problems with the healthcare system in place before the so-called President had to mess everything up with the ACA’s sweeping shift to a government run system. It is backed up with research and findings from leading respected conservative institutions such as The Heritage Foundation and The Weekly Standard.

It is in absolutely no way similar to the Affordable Care Act, which does absolutely none of the things I am about to mention.

  • OBAMASUX works by providing health insurance to those who cannot afford it by giving them subsidies, which basically means lowering taxes to give people healthcare.
  • OBAMASUX does not regulate your health care decisions, but rather health insurance companies, which would continue to remain private businesses but also encouraged by law to support the public good.
  • Yearly check-ups, immunizations, and routine screenings for diseases will have no out-of-pocket cost, as they have been proven to decrease healthcare costs long-term.
  • Those with insurance through their employer will not have to change plans, as long as they meet minimum coverage standards and their insurance company does not discontinue that plan structure, as they have always done.
  • Rather than gutting Medicare or Medicaid, OBAMASUX expands these popular programs, allowing more elderly and lower-income families to receive medical services.
  • Businesses with over 100 full-time employees will be strongly encouraged to provide health insurance to those employees.
  • Young people under the age of 26 will be able to stay on their parents’ insurance plans.

All of these elements would take the world’s greatest healthcare system and carry it into a bright, prosperous future. Barack Hussein Obama knows this, and with the help of conservative patriots like you, we can force him to repeal Obamacare and enact these reforms.

 

Eight reasons Valentines Day is bad for you and good for Obama

Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
This was the first picture that came up when I did a Google Image Search on “Conservatives protest against Valentines Day”. Just look at these good, upstanding conservative American Christians! Good for them! Fight the liberal machine! Down with Valentines Day!

Pardon my language, but darn Valentine’s Day. Darn it to h*ck.

The last time I went on a Valentine’s Day date was three years ago. A woman urged me to go see a screening of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D. While it was nice to see such a earnest documentary about a God-loving, abortion-hating kid who has kept a good head on his shoulders in the face of fame, I did not appreciate all the teenage sinners touching their hands together like we were in one of those pornograph theaters.

Needless to say I have not “celebrated” another Valentine’s Day since. In the days after that night, traumatized by what had happened to me, I thought about how Valentine’s Day came to exist in the first place. It isn’t a national holiday, so why do we let it dictate how we behave?

Then I remembered what else tries to dictate how we behave…THE LIBERAL AGENDA!

I have compiled a list of eight reasons why you should lock your doors and do nothing this and every February 14… unless you don’t want to take this country back from Barack Hussein Obama!!

#1. Valentine’s Day encourages people in relationships to have SEX

This would be okay… if it were the kind of sex that God would approve of. Valentine’s Day encourages lovers to have sex for fun rather than procreation… and even try out new positions, like standing up or making a pretzel shape with the man’s penis!

This helps Obama because he is giving women free access to birth control. If women have the ability to prevent themselves from getting pregnant and there is a holiday that encourages them to seize that opportunity, that will mean Obama’s policy will be successful! Obviously, that cannot be allowed to happen.

 

#2. Valentine’s Day turns single people into sinners

Since all their friends and family members in relationships doing yucky things to each other, single people have the tendency to become extremely jealous on Valentine’s Day. They are thus encouraged to seek out sinful pleasure elsewhere, in the form of pornography. In order to make the most out of pornography, these people may feel compelled to masturbate. Science has proven that masturbation causes blindness and atheism, and everybody knows that being blind and being an atheist are the two most un-American things you can be.

 

#3. Valentine’s Day makes people become more like the government

If you have ever tried to buy flowers in the month of February, you know that Valentine’s Day is a very, very, VERY expensive time of the year. In order to prove to one another that their relationship is fine and they are not at all overcompensating, people in relationships feel obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money on gifts. With jewelry priced in the thousands of dollars, Valentine’s Day certainly sends many into crippling, catastrophic debt. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?

 

#4. Valentine’s Day is good for the economy

You might be wondering, “Hey…what’s wrong with that?” If people are spending lots of money at retail for Valentine’s Day, it allows businesses to thrive. They can hire more workers, pay their employees better, give them benefits, etc.

Notice that last part? If the economy thrives, partly due to Valentine’s Day spending, more people will be able to have affordable health insurance. It will allow Obamacare to be a successful government program. Even if it’s good for the economy, it’s bad for America. After all, 100% of those enrolled in Obamacare WILL die.

 

#5. Valentine’s Day is an elaborate scheme to send foreign aid to Luxembourg

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, somebody at a marketing firm once said. As a result, diamonds are incredibly popular on Valentine’s Day. Where do all these diamonds come from? The vast majority of the world’s diamonds sold come from DeBeers, a company based in the country of Luxembourg.

Never heard of Luxembourg? Neither have I, but it sounds weird so it is probably in the Middle East. That means we are giving money to the people who want to attack us! Valentine’s Day is a conduit for terrorism.

 

#6. Valentine’s Day makes Michelle Obama grow stronger

For the (slightly) more budget-conscious Valentine’s Day victim, chocolate is a standard gift. It is delicious and indulgent…only it makes you fat. First Lady Michelle Obama harnesses the power of America’s obese and feeds off that energy. How do I know this? Why else would she tell kids to eat healthy and exercise? Americans hate being told what to do; they are just going to get fatter as a result to throw it back in her face! Do not give Michelle Obama more power.

 

#7. Valentine’s Day causes you to long for the color blue

During Valentine’s season, it’s nothing but the color red. Red boxes, red bows, red everything! Personally, I love the color red. It is the color of conservatism in America and the color of personal liberty as long as you are a heteronormative white male.

But even a great American patriot like myself gets sick of the color red this time of the year. I catch myself wanting to look at the color blue instead just for a change of pace…which is exactly what the Democrats want. It’s called subliminal messaging. You want BLUE in your life so you will vote for Democrats!

 

#8. Valentine’s Day undermines the patriarchy

Remember the good old days when women made dinner for their husbands and only slept in their bed when they wanted to make a baby? Valentine’s Day completely undoes this, the American dream, by making it mandatory for men to do nice things for women. What’s next? We’re going to be “ready for Hillary” all of a sudden and have a female President? We are going to stop blaming women who are victims of sexual abuse? What an awful world that would be!

5 new Obama executive orders that will SHOCK YOU!

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

Obama has declared his intent to become the first American dictator by issuing executive orders. This is an unprecedented power grab that hasn’t been seen during any presidency in my memory, which goes back to January 20, 2009. Our first president, Jefferson Davis, must be rolling over in his grave.

Now, some liberals get hung up on the “actual number” of executive orders that Obama has signed. But that misses the point completely: it’s a slippery slope. If we don’t stop Obama now, these are just five of the horrific executive orders that he DEFINITELY WILL SIGN WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE!

1. An executive order removing English as our official language

It’s a pretty well-documented fact that Barack Obama has already used an executive order to remove the birth certificate requirement for actors in Coca-Cola Super Bowl commercials, but could he use this power to erase our national language altogether?  Liberals will tell you that this is “nonsense” because America doesn’t have a national language, but they are wrong.  It’s in the Constitution right after the part declaring that the United States is a Christian nation. Look it up!

2. An executive order enforcing the third comma in the second amendment

Everyone knows that grammar is for sissy liberals, and guns are for real-Americans. The internet tells me that the third comma in the second amendment was added by sissy liberals who want to take guns away. Some people think interpreting the second amendment is complex and nuanced, but that’s stupid: just like there is only one way to interpret the Bible, there is only one way to interpret the second amendment.  We are not going to let Obama and his Grammar Gestapo tell us otherwise.

3. An executive order renaming the “War of Northern Aggression” as the “Civil War”

Obama has been revising history ever since he forged his birth certificate when he was 13 minutes old in Kenya. What is to stop him from doing the same to American history? If Obama is able to change the name of the war that separated the North from Real-America, he may even get people to believe the liberal myth that it had something to do with slavery. After all, he is OBSESSED with race. Obsessed! You can’t even shoot an unarmed black kid without hearing him complain about it.

4. An executive order forcing science and religion to be taught in separate classrooms

For some time, we have known about Obama’s desire to remove religion from science class and eventually from the entire American continent.  Just think about it!  If teachers convince enough of our children that we evolved from apes, eventually they will start acting like apes.  Have you ever seen an ape that practices Christianity?  I didn’t think so.

5. An executive order limiting the number of things named after Ronald Reagan

Let’s face it. If you add up all the things named after Ronald Reagan and multiply by two, the answer is still “not enough.”  We must do everything we can to preserve his memory and fight back against anything that would tarnish it, like naming a street or library after literally anyone else.

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

This is what’s at stake, real-America. I’ve presented you with the facts and some well-educated predictions. Now it’s up to you. This tyrant has ruled against our will for far too long, but all hope is not lost. If we work hard enough to prevent “you know who” from voting, the Republican Party might just have what it takes to stop Barack Obama from becoming a three term president!!

Did LIBERALS destroy Bitcoin? The latest Obama failure.

Did LIBERALISM cause the disastrous Bitcoin crash of December 2013? Is this economic disaster just another OBAMA FAILURE? Or is it part of his planned attack on the U.S. economy?

If you haven’t heard of Bitcoin by now, you might be living under a rock. Introduced in 2009, Bitcoin is a digital currency that has blown up in 2013, increasing from under $100 per Bitcoin at the beginning of the year to over $1200 at the beginning of this month.

Part of the reason for the success of Bitcoin is that government-backed currencies like the U.S. dollar have been soiled by Barack Hussein Obama. Bitcoin, praised by Ron Paul, is a conservative’s dream because it is built around the concept of artificial scarcity. Eventually, all the bitcoin there ever will be will be in circulation, which makes perfect sense for a method of exchange that isn’t a precious metal.

According to free market principles, rising Bitcoin prices have made a lot of libertarians into millionaires… that is, until liberals decided that they wanted to rain on the freedom parade!

Barack Obama will not allow any fake currency except his own.
Barack Obama will not allow any fake currency except his own.

Last week, the Chinese government decided that it would be illegal for their people to trade Bitcoins. As you probably know, China has a communist government, not unlike OBAMA’S AMERICA. This caused a massive crash in the Bitcoin market, which lost 60% of its value in a matter of days.

What does this prove? Liberals, specifically Barack Obama, hate our freedom. Why didn’t Obama stop this? Bitcoin is the currency of real patriotism. When we true patriots lost faith in our dollar, we simply created our own. When The Obama Regime saw that Bitcoin was working better than we could have ever dreamed, Barack Obama got his commie friends in China, who own 100% of our debt by the way, to get all their people to buy up the entire market, only to shut it down.

Isn’t it obvious?

Read between the lines, sheeple. It’s another false flag. First the Benghazi conspiracy. Then the Obamacare apocalypse. Then #BENDOGZI. Now he is single-handedly responsible for making hundreds of libertarian pseudo-currency rich people much less rich.

What’s next? Is Obama going to come after our guns? What about our Phil Robertson bobble heads?

You should be very, very afraid. Right now.

Patriotism has… a liberal bias?

Obama the conservative

Despite what that Coke fiend Aaron Sorkin thinks (Pepsi is the choice of a new generation), America is, has been, and always will be the greatest country in the world.

When the founding fathers graced this land 2013 years ago, they had the foresight to understand what the real, pressing issues of the future would be. That’s why the Constitution guarantees us the right to use a gun any way we please and allows us to choose whether or not we are financially stable enough to afford life-saving healthcare procedures.

Up until 2008, it was nearly impossible not to be proud of this great nation. From Jim Crow to our thoughtful, subdued reaction to the 9/11 tragedy,  we are a paragon of virtue, treating our own people and the people of the world with the utmost respect. That is until President Hussein, the first liberal to ever hold office AND the first dictator in United States history, managed to undo all the goodwill we had built up with the rest of the world.

I’m a patriot, as I assume all of you reading are as well. We support the troops while Obama wanted to bring them home. We want to keep Guantanamo Bay open while Obama wanted to close it. We want “whistleblowers” to be treated like the traitors they are while Obama promised to encourage those leakers to expose government abuse. It was easy to be a patriot in Obama’s America.

It WAS easy… until August 31, 2013, when everything changed.

On August 31, 2013, President Hussein asked for congressional approval to engage in warfare with Syria.

This should have been welcome news for true American patriots who respect the sanctity of the military industrial complex. But why would President Hussein, of all people, do something that seems so patriotic??

We can’t be sure whether or not Obama is trying to appease the true patriots of the United States, or just merely trying to trick us into falling hook, line, and sinker into his socialist web of lies.

This isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened, either.

After initially vying for the end of indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay, Obama seemed to come to his senses and allowed for the policies that made the facility famous to stay intact indefinitely. (These human rights violations make us more free.)

Bradley Manning (if that is her real name), after exposing war crimes perpetrated by the United States military, was recently given more prison time than any whistleblower in American history. Liberals have been calling for Manning’s pardon, arguing that the traitor has already done enough time.

 

We all know that Obama is a liberal, therefore everything he does is part of the liberal agenda.

Obama the conservativeBut these recent actions have been fooling some people into doubting this sound, basic, unquestionable truth. A less perceptive person would look at this evidence and think he might not be a liberal at all. Silly websites such as obamatheconservative.com go out of their way, in fact, to make this case. Deranged, suspiciously-named Cenk Uygur has also made the case that Obama is more conservative than Reagan!

When I was young and naïve, even I might have thought that this “new” Obama was a patriot.

But no… no. Any good conservative knows that this can’t possibly be what is going on.

It can’t be. IT CAN’T BE!

Clearly he must be trying to make us real Americans look bad by sneakily doing everything we’d ever want from a conservative President!

Clearly, it must be part of his cunning and sinister plot to be the most liberal, most socialist, most anti-American President ever… by deceptively acting like a conservative patriot!

 

Clearly.

Support to impeach Obama skyrockets to 0.01% of the population!

Should Obama be impeached? It depends on who you ask (of course) and what standard you use to decide.

For example: If you Google “impeach Obama” and look at the results, you will  think that there is overwhelming support for impeaching President Obama. You will see over 1 million search results, including headlines like, “Movement to impeach Obama snowballing!”

Of course, that article notes that the support for the “Impeach Obama movement” has “mushroomed” to 40,000 members, which is a whopping 0.01% of the population. But still, when you use words like “snowball” and “mushroom” it makes it all sound very impressive.

Other articles promise to be more informative and educational, with titles like “Should Obama be Impeached?” Unfortunately, however, this doesn’t so much answer the question as simply provide another poll, which asks the completely neutral and not-biased-in-any-way question: “After 4.5 years of doing everything possible to destroy America, is it time to impeach Emperor Obama?”

That poll is a little interesting, however, because it breaks down responses by a number of demographic factors. The most interesting demographic result is that 100% of the pagans who responded to the survey said that they are “not sure” whether Obama should be impeached.  That’s got to tell you something.

But when scouring the internet, the news, and the politicians for actual reasons to impeach Obama, the results come up surprisingly thin.  Apart from, of course, the fact that “Emperor Obama” has spent “4.5 years doing everything possible to destroy America.”

Some of the more specific accusations include:

1) He did things like Obamacare that we think are unconstitutional

2) He appointed people to positions without asking permission first

3) He didn’t completely fix all immigration problems immediately

4) Kenyan

5) Socialist

6) Hitler

 

The thing is, though, that none of these so-called “reasons” matter, if you are a true conservative. What matter is how angry you are able to get people.

So as long as 0.01% of the population thinks that Obama should really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really-times-ten-thousand …. be impeached….

…well, then, mathematically that’s basically the same as though everyone wanted him to be impeached, now isn’t it?

 

POLL RESULT: the public blames Obama for the sequester!

Obama takes the blame!Every day this week, talk show hosts and radio commentators have been saying that the public blames Obama for the sequester. They are obviously referring to the above poll results.

Consider these headlines:

Obama poll numbers take a post-sequester dive

Sequester Blowback: Obama Plummets to 43%

Poll: Obama’s Not Winning The Sequester Fight

Obama Suddenly Not Winning the Sequester Fight

Poll: Obama approval drops seven points on sequester worries

FIRST SEQUESTER VICTIM! OBAMA’S JOB APPROVAL DIVES

 

Holy Cow! Just look at those headlines! It’s almost as if the poll didn’t even ASK the corresponding question about the approval rating for Republicans in Congress.

…and naturally, we would have preferred it if they hadn’t.

This is why we have added some small highlighting arrows to the above graph, to make sure that you are looking at the correct part of the graph, and do not succumb to liberal bias!!!

 

graph data source: ABC News/Washington Post poll
graph found via: Langer Research

Obama’s God-like control over jobs

The REAL Obama Jobs Plan

This is the third installment of the new monthly column, The Illuminated Truth.


If there is one thing that conservatives know for a fact, it is that Obama has completely unprecedented and almost unimaginable power. He can control gas prices with the wave of a hand, he can control the number of private-sector jobs that get created a month before an election, and he can even control the weather.

So given all of that, this graph opens up a number of important and very suspicious questions.

The REAL Obama Jobs PlanIf you look at the recent trend-line of job creation, and extrapolate forward, jobs will reach the point of “full recovery” exactly in time for the 2016 election season!

Doesn’t that seem a little bit convenient to be a coincidence?

Now, let’s examine the evidence a little bit further.  Job fluctuations have been erratic during almost this entire recovery. Doesn’t it seem like this is unusual? When you think back to previous recoveries, doesn’t it seem like they have generally shown a gradual and continuous improvement as things got better?  Sure it does.

So why is this recovery different?  Many good, rational conservative pundits have put forth a number of theories. Some have suggested that Obama wants to completely destroy the economy, others have suggested that he’s trying to artificially make jobs improve faster just to make himself look good.  But there is another option that is much darker and more sinister than that.

That third option is this: Obama is, behind the curtain, personally manipulating the rate of the job recovery so that it is not too fast, and no too slow…. but will perfectly coincide with the next election!

He is basically setting up the economic environment to try to ensure a Democrat victory in the next Presidential election.

Does Obama really have the power to exercise such exact control over jobs in the private sector that he can time the economy to reach complete recovery to within months of the next Presidential election?

Well, look at the above graph. Isn’t that exactly what seems to be happening?

Trust us.  After all, you can’t doubt your own eyes.

 

graph data source: Federal Reserve Economic Data
graph found via: economicpopulist.org

Obama’s secret master

Obama eye close-up

We are not the first ones to suspect that Obama is being controlled by an alien cabal that does not have American interests at heart. But we are the first ones to have photographic proof.

We don’t even have time to list all of the articles that have proven that Obama is a Manchurian Candidate who was chosen by alien forces to destroy America from within. That Obama secretly hates America and has already unconsciously confessed to attacking our core foundations. The stories are all out there. You can look them up. Until now, however, they have only used logic to connect the dots to the obvious conclusion.

Now, for the first time, we here at LiberalBias.com can do more: we have photographic evidence!

Here you see Obama’s Senate portrait from 2005. It looks very innocent at first glance. Even if you click on the image to show it “full sized” there is nothing that immediately appears to be amiss.

Barack Obama Senate portrait 2005

However, we were able to get our hands on a super-high resolution version of this image, and magnify it in order to inspect it more closely… and it’ a good thing we did!

Obama eye close-upUsing high magnification, we were able to uncover this pattern of shadow in the reflection of Obama’s left eye. Look closely at this image, and think about what it suggests to you. The implications are literally earth-shattering!

Naturally, some people will try to come up with various innocent-seeming explanations of this peculiar shadow. For example, they might claim that it is a reflection of some lighting device on the other side of the room. Or, they will claim that it is a random pattern of light and shadow that just happens to look like a small seated alien figure by sheer coincidence!!!!

But does that sound reasonable to you?

Or is it even more reasonable to think that all of the peculiar and otherwise inexplicable actions on the part of this “President” can now be explained by the simple fact that all of his actions are being controlled by a very, very small alien that is sitting inside his left eye!

There are people who would tell you that this is ridiculous, and that it is just a random pattern that has been enlarged on a photo. But why would you believe them? After all, these are the same people who wanted yo to believe that a riot in Benghazi was caused by an innocent sweet little short film created by an American pastor. They are known to be frauds and liars.

Obama's controlling alienThe truth is obviously very clear. In case you are still unsure of what you might be looking at, here is a direct comparison with an image from a popular so-called “science fiction” film: “Men In Black”. We have also further enlarged the image on Obama’s eye, and provided some digital enhancement to the image just to make sure you get the point that we are making.

So… clearly any sane and rational person can see what’s going on here. When concerned conservatives have speculated about Obama being secretly under the control of foreigners they had no idea how right they were… or how profoundly foreign the influences really were!!

This is obviously something that the mainstream media will cover up and give no credence to. That is because they, too, are already under the control of these teeny tiny aliens.

If they have the power to live inside a person’s eye and control his actions, I am sure that they have other powers to terrible to imagine.

The impeachment proceedings must proceed immediately, on the basis of the incontrovertible evidence.

These aliens could, quite possibly, be the ultimate and cosmic source of liberal bias!!!!


Editorial Note: We have actually reported on Liberals From Outer Space in the past. In fact, LiberalBias.com was the first news outlet to report in this important issue. Just one more reason to make sure that you get all of your news and facts from LiberalBias.com!!

Official Prediction: Mitt Romney Landslide

LiberalBias.com Electoral Map Prediction.

The consensus is in: Mitt Romney will completely sweep the nation, leading to a new Golden Age of conservative prosperity. Or at least, this is what would happen if the world were not infected with the dreaded liberal bias.

The above Electoral Map is the product of an in-depth analysis performed by Jared Calfee. As he tweeted earlier: “I have managed to unskew the well-known online liberal media bias of Unskewed Polls.”

And a very good job he did, too.

Of course, Jared is not the only one predicting a massive Romney landslide like this.

Dick Morris, who is always right about everything, predicted a Romney Landslide on October 30th.

Sean Hannity, who always tells the truth, said on his radio show on  November 1st that “it could be a blowout” in favor of Romney.

Wayne Allyn Root, former libertarian presidential candidate, predicted a Romney Landslide way back on October 12th.

Larry Kudlow, who must be important since he has some kind of television show, predicted a Romney Landslide on October 26h.

Some other blogger, who really likes Ayn Rand, also agrees with Dick Morris.

Finally, we even showed in a previous article that the “13 Keys” model by Allan J. Lichtman can be used to predict a Romney Landslide, as well!

So, we here at LiberalBias.com have to ask this question:

CAN ALL OF THESE EXCELLENT, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE REALLY BE WRONG?

Of course not. And look at that pretty map. So red. So pretty. Mmmmmmm.

 

Therefore, we throw in our prediction with Jared Calfee and the rest: Romney will sweep the nation and win with 528 Electoral Votes. Kittens and puppies will hold hands and dance. Mice wearing footie pajamas will sit on toadstools and sing songs under rainbows. All will be right with the world.

Or at least, this is what the world would look like if there were no such thing as liberal bias!

 

The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath

Tea Party Cat

Tea Party Cat

In this exclusive interview for LiberalBias.com, Greg Stevens gets the Tea Party Cat to cut through political gaffes, backpedaling and misstatements to find out what our great conservative leaders will really be thinking after the 2012 election.


Greg Stevens [GS]:  One of your great talents as a powerful voice on the Right is your ability to state, in simple terms that everyone can understand, what our leaders are really thinking. We all know that people misspeak, and sometimes get quoted out of context. But even when politicians don’t quite say what they should, you have a talent for being able to decipher what they really mean.

Paul Ryan.Donald Duck

So if I can get your wisdom and insight on the record, exclusively for us here at Liberalbias.com, I would like us to take a look into the future at what our political leaders will really be thinking the day after the election. What do you say?

Tea Party Cat [TPC]: Well, as you know, for conservatives there are only two futures: apocalyptic futures where America is destroyed by 39% marginal tax rates on the rich, and bright futures where heroic (male) leaders restore America to its rightful place as absolute ruler of the world and impose fundamentalist Christianity and democracy on the world at the end of a tank barrel.

GS: That sounds right… so let’s start by imagining the worst case scenario: Obama has been re-elected.

TPC: That would be a real tragedy. The Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson have invested a billion dollars in this election, and to have it stolen by voters would be horrible. If this happens, then it might deter billionaires from trying to buy future elections, which would mean even more control over our government by the moochers.

GS: If we could get him to admit it bluntly, what is Mitt Romney really thinking?

TPC: “Oh, well. Good thing we did this on the Koch and Adelson money instead of mine. And besides we skimmed plenty off the top from the SuperPACs for ‘management fees’, so it’s really no different than KB Toys.”

GS: And what is Paul Ryan really thinking?

TPC: “Good thing I stayed on the ballot for my congressional seat. Plus now I can write a book like Palin did and finally cash in on this.”

GS: And Barack Obama?

TPC: Well, that’s going to be more of a conversation like this:

Obama: “Bill, thanks for all your help in this campaign. What can I do to repay you?”
Bill Clinton: “Barack, you know what I want.”
Obama: “OK, I’ll hire back the Secret Service team that got caught with prostitutes in Colombia and assign them to your detail.”
Bill Clinton: “And?”
Obama: “And I’ll keep Hillary out of the country as much as possible.”

GS: And Sarah Palin?

TPC: “Don’t blame me. I backed Newt.”

GS: Newt Gingrich?

TPC: “Hello, Sheldon [Adelson]? So, 2016? I won’t be too old. We both know you can’t trust that Christie guy to toe the line, and Ryan is damaged goods now.”

GS: And what are the Koch brothers thinking?

TPC: “Well, we still own Paul and Scott and Reince in Wisconsin, all of Kansas, Arkansas, and have plenty of others in our pocket. We can still buy 2014 and 2016.”

GS: Reince Priebus?

TPC: “Oh, well, we’ll just have to suppress more votes next time!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “I told you Romney couldn’t beat Obama.”

GS: Karl Rove?

TPC: “Oh, thank God! I oversold the election, so it’s a good thing Mitt lost because too many billionaires would expect something.”

GS: Scalia?

TPC: “Mitt lost? Are you sure, Florida? I even got my ‘Bush v Gore pen’ back from the Smithsonian.”

GS: Rick Perry?

TPC: “I knew I should’ve run for president this year. I could’ve won this thing.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Hey, Mitt! Sorry you lost. No, not really. I never really liked you or your whole no swearing act, and now it’s wide open for me in 2016. Don’t worry, I won’t be inviting you to the convention—you can sit home with W.”

GS: And finally…. Fox & Friends?

TPC: “Let’s call Trump and see if he thinks the election was stolen too!”

GS: Very impressive! Now, let’s imagine again, but this time it is the day after the election, and the angels have smiled upon our nation and blessed us with a Mitt Romney victory.

NOW, what is the quote from Mitt Romney?

TPC: “I hope all this crazy shit we’ve been saying works, because Paul and Grover are making me go through with this.”

Though at some point you know Romney is going to notice what the job pays, and I can’t see him sticking around for a measly $400,000 a year.

GS: From Paul Ryan?

TPC: “Oh, thank God I don’t have to go on Dancing With The Stars now.”

GS: From Barack Obama?

TPC: “You were right, Hillary, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy. Good luck in 2016.”

GS: From Sarah Palin?

TPC: “My Facebook statuses did it!”

Though I actually expect Palin will go quiet for a while after election night. She’ll be disappointed that Romney won. Criticizing the president is so much easier than trying to justify his mistakes, and as her financial adviser told her last fall, with Romney running for reelection, she can’t pretend to run again to get an all-expense paid family vacation from her SuperPAC. It’s a bad day for Palin, and she knows it.

GS: Mitch McConnell:

TPC: “Holy shit! Sabotaging the economy worked! They fell for it. Suckers!”

GS: Rick Santorum?

TPC: “Could’ve been me. I could’ve beaten Obama. Well, if it weren’t for Google. And the fact that I’m an sufferable prick.”

GS: Chris Christie?

TPC: “Crap! Now I gotta wait until 2020. I was sure 2012 was a loser and it would be mine in 2016.”

GS: Fantastic!  Now, no matter what we hear on our television sets or read in the newspapers on the day after the election, we can all rest assured that we already know what they are really thinking.

Finally, one last question: are you really a cat?

TPC: Well, my identity is a closely guarded secret, but I would like to lay to rest the rumor that I am Stephen Colbert’s cat. I am not. I am no one’s cat. I own people, they don’t own me.

GS: Thank you very much for your time!

 

The Tea Party Cat can be found on Tumblr, on Twitter and on Facebook.

Mitt Romney HAS to win, because: Escalades, martial law, sex toys, Lena Dunham.

This is what an Obama Second Term looks like.

This is what an Obama Second Term looks like.

If you have been looking at the polls, and correcting for their liberal bias, you know that Mitt Romney is going to win the election in a landslide not seen since the late George McGovern had his clock cleaned by the honorable Richard Nixon in 1972. Moreover, Mitt Romney better win, because the world will be an unimaginable horror if he does not.

Some of you may be skeptical because statisticians like Milhouse Van Houten of The New York Times’ FiveThirtyEight blog, who miraculously predicted the 2008 election to a tee, are boldly stating that Obama is the favorite. The lamestream media is being more realistic, shockingly, by telling its sheepish followers that the race is a dead heat. But consider this: why would God send Hurricane Sandy exclusively to blue states, if not as a symbol of the storm that is coming to tear apart the leftist agenda?

Barack Hussein Obama can only win this election one way: if straight white men and their allies become too confident and decide not to show up to the polls on Tuesday, knowing that Romney’s huge advantages in Michigan, Minnesota, California, and Vermont will be enough to win. It is paramount that we vote as many times as we can on November 6th, or the consequences will be dire. Barack Hussein claims that his second term agenda includes goals such as cutting the deficit and energy reform… but we know better. He will irreparably destroy the American way of life. How do I know? The same way everybody knows that Jesus was white and sodomy is yucky: it’s just common sense.

Imagine a second term of an Obama presidency. On day one, he will tank the economy, knowing full well that he can continue to blame President Bush for all the things that are his own fault. How will he do it? By raising taxes on “the wealthiest Americans,” otherwise known as straight white men, from 36% to 39%! Obama says that by doing this he can cut taxes for everybody else, which is flagrantly dishonest since all the people who are voting for him don’t pay taxes already. So where do you think that extra money is going to go? While those of us who earned our estates will have no choice but to starve, the leftists will be given as many Escalades as their hearts desire! Which, by the way, Obama can do because he bought the factory for himself with your taxpayer money.

That is only the tip of the iceberg. President Hussein will indulge the pornographers who support him while punishing those who subscribe to a higher set of morals. Viewing pornography is a sin, but pornography viewership per capita is highest in conservative states, mainly due to lesbian porn not being gay, and therefore acceptable in the eyes of the Lord.

As a result, the number of illegitimate rapes will skyrocket, and since Obama will appoint fellow socialists to the Supreme Court, all these harlots can savagely murder our kids. Martial law will also be declared, in order to ensure that all men charged of illegitimate rape are punished just for trying to obtain what belongs to them.

We will also learn that Barack Hussein Obama is a devout homosexual, which should not surprise anybody, because let’s face it…have you SEEN Michelle Obama’s arms?

The NRA is well aware of this, which is why they too are endorsing Mitt Romney for President, despite Obama’s empty gesture of weakening gun control laws during his first term. We are at risk of all our guns being stripped down and made into sex toys, because our God-given appendages are simply not big enough for these insatiable scoundrels.

The leftists have another motive for doing this as well: without weapons, we cannot fight back as they impose their Muslim agenda upon us. Muslims do not believe in God and they are atheists, meaning they worship the devil. This is what we are up against. Devil worshippers.

You may be wondering, “Hey Zach, Obama may be an awful leader, but the world is largely the same as it was before he took office. Why would he do all these things now?” First, you’re wrong. Second, Lena Dunham.

You know who Lena Dunham is, but you’re probably not sure why. She made an okay movie a few years ago. Nothing really happens in it, except she has sexual intercourse in a tunnel. That’s it. That’s seriously the only reason you know who she is. But in the grand scheme of Obama’s master plan, she plays a pivotal role. She is not unlike Damian Lewis’ character in the hit Showtime series Homeland, charming the pants off America while being a sleeper cell for the enemy. If there is anything you get from this article, it should be that Barack Obama is an enemy of white culture, and Dunham is betraying us by masquerading as the epitome of white culture. She is adorable, sexually promiscuous, and ferociously quirky; essentially, she is Honey Boo Boo with the false guise of being high-brow. White America unquestionably trusts her, even if she threatens everything we stand for.

We can have Girls, or we can have more Arrested Development. We cannot have both.

Dunham’s rise to being the arbiter of popular culture is just as convoluted as Obama’s rise to the presidency. Obama, born in Kenya, had the details of his false American birth immediately falsified by his alleged mother, Ann Dunham, who was grooming her son from the beginning to infiltrate the United States government in a vast conspiracy.

Ann Dunham… Lena Dunham. Coincidence? I think not!

Also consider that the younger Dunham went to college in Ohio, and is now using her Draconian influence in the state with an ad supporting Obama, which he desperately needs to be re-elected. I think it’s obvious what’s going on here.

In conclusion: Mitt Romney has to win. Escalades, martial law, sex toys, Lena Dunham. Think of all the weird boobs we will have to look at if he doesn’t.

The Founding Fathers would suppress Obama’s votes, too.

Wackos have liberal bias.

An insightful article by Steve Sailer published this amazing graph, showing that only losers, weirdos and fringe-people support Obama. We think this is proof that America needs to go back to an originalist interpretation of the Constitution, and just not let these freaks vote!!

First, let’s take a look at some of the deeply moving, profound and insightful observations that Steve makes about this graph that he has produced.

He observes: “Obama’s is an absurd coalition. It can be motivated only by exacerbating the bitterness of its members toward people fortunate enough to be closer to the heart of America. The correlation between being an Obama supporter and personal unhappiness, alienation, or dysfunction is not coincidental. The iconic Obama supporter is the black single mother.”

This is so true, and not said often enough! Essentially, the people who support Obama have nothing in common with one another except that they are losers who don’t represent the stereotypical 1950’s American ideal! There is clearly no reason that blacks, Muslims, single women, and people of unspecified sexual orientations would all agree on anything, except that they are pissed off that they don’t get to sit at the Cool Kid’s table.

He continues: “In contrast, Romney’s most supportive group is Mormons. Then come married white Protestants, white Protestants, married white men, married whites, married white women, white Catholics, whites, married men, and so forth: Americans who have a life.”

Once again: SO TRUE! Look at the groups at the top of the graph, who support Obama. Obviously, none of these people have lives! How could they? I mean, I’m actually asking: how could they? I’m not sure, since like Steve I’ve never actually met or seen any of these people in my entire life. But I hear about them on television all of the time. Mostly, I assume they commit crimes.

Finally, he concludes: “The plan fact is that the core of Romney’s support is the core of the nation: the kind of people who built America into the world’s leading country and who still keep it running.”

Bravo. To sum up: black, unmarried Jewish renters clearly play no role in running this country. That would be stupid.

NOW! Although we here at LiberalBias.com clearly can have nothing but praise for Mr. Sailer’s analysis, we do feel that he stops short of the obvious next step in his reasoning.

Look at the situation that the above graph is illustrating. Isn’t it clear that this is exactly what the founding fathers had in mind when they so wisely decided that only white male property-owners could vote!?

Liberals would have us believe that they were influenced by racism or prejudice of some kind, but what Stevie observes in his article is that our grand and wise founding fathers simply knew this fact:

IT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR A SOCIETY TO LET FRINGE PEOPLE VOTE.

Period, the end. If you aren’t doing well, if you aren’t the person up to whom everyone looks, if you aren’t the person that everyone longs to be, then get the hell out of the game and quit slowing us down!

It is time to take a sober step back, and think once again, as TRUE CONSERVATIVES, about what it means to take an originalist interpretation of the Constitution.

The Founding Fathers, in their infinite and divinely inspired wisdom, foresaw this very day, the 2012 election, and that is why they didn’t want those people to vote.

So do your duty on election day: go out there and make sure that the only people who can vote in your district are the people that George Washington and Jesus intended: white married Protestant Cathololic Mormons….  just like you!

 

graph data source: graph created by Steve Sailer based on a Reuters-Ipsos Poll
graph found via: “Obama Fringe vs. Romney Core” by Steve Sailer

Mathematical model predicts Romney landslide

Romney Landslide

Allan J. Lichtman has devised a model to predict Presidential election winners called the 13 Keys model. He claims his model predicts an Obama victory, but that is only because of his liberal bias. We at LiberalBias.com use his model to prove that Romney is sure to win in a landslide.

His model consists of 13  yes/no questions that need to be answered. If 8 or more answers are “yes”, the model predicts a victory for the incumbent; if 7 or fewer answers are “yes” then the incumbent will lose.  Allan Lichtman answers these questions, and comes up with a win for Obama BUT HE OBVIOUSLY ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS WRONGLY.

In this table, we provide our own analysis:

Party mandate: After the midterm elections, does the incumbent party hold more seats in the House of Representatives? NO. Republicans took the mid-term elections in a landslide.
Contest: Is there no serious contest for the incumbent party nomination? YES. Even though we all wanted Hilary to run, there was no serious challenger.
Incumbency: Is the incumbent party’s candidate the sitting president? YES. Although there is some serious doubt as to whether Kenyan Muslim Obama is actually legally president, we will have to admit he is at least acting as president right now.
Third Party: Is there NOT a significant third party challenge? YES. It is true that there is no significant third party challenge.
Short-term economy: Is the economy NOT in recession during the election campaign? NO. The economy very clearly IS in recession! Just look around you!
Long-term economy: Is real per capita economic growth during the term equal to or exceeding mean growth during the previous two terms? NO. Growth has been the worst during this presidency than ever in the entire history of anything. I remember hearing that in Sean Hannity’s show once.
Policy change: Did the incumbent administration affect major changes in national policy? NO. He basically accomplished nothing, because he’s totally incompetant.
Social unrest: Was there NOT sustained social unrest during the term? NO. There was social unrest, both at home (Tea Party protests, Occupy Wall Street) and abroad (Arab Spring).
Scandal: Is the incumbent administration untainted by major scandal? NO. There have been tons of major scandals, ranging from Soylendra to Fast and Furious and most recently the Benghazi Embassy fiasco.
Foreign/military failure: Did the incumbent administration NOT suffer major failure in foreign or military affairs? NO. There have been a number of major failures, most recently the failure to predict and stop the attack on the Benghazi Embassy.
Foreign/military success: Did the incumbent administration achieve a major success in foreign or military affairs? NO. The only thing Obama pretends is a success of the assassination of Bin Laden, which everyone knows is really due to the planning and groundwork laid by George Bush.
Incumbent charisma: Is the incumbent party’s candidate charismatic or a national hero? NO. He’s a goofy, out-of-touch weird-looking and seems like the kind of person who would like rap music and basketball… if you know what I mean.
Challenger charisma: Is the challenging party’s candidate NOT charismatic or a national hero? NO. Mitt Romney is handsome and charming and has perfect hair. Who could not like a guy with perfect hair?

Clearly, Romney will win in an overwhelming landslide.  So you can all relax now.

 

chart by LiberalBias.com