Holiday box office statistics have a liberal bias!

According to Boxoffice.com, a website that claims to report accurate box office figures, The Christmas Candle only made $405,697 over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend and $1,631,471 during its theatrical run thus far.

How could such an error happen?

Everybody knows that Hollywood is a wretched cesspool of liberalism that usually only generates movies intended to promote poor values in our children. However, from time to time filmmakers wise up and make movies that defy the common Hollywood ideology. Films such as Fireproof, Soul Surfer, and Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have all been incredibly successful, suggesting that Americans crave wholesome entertainment even when know-nothing critics say these films are “a fiasco” and “lifeless”.

Christmas Candle sets new records, according to unskewed non-liberal statisticsThe Christmas Candle, produced by none other than Rick Santorum, is another one of these righteous conservative films. It was released on November 22, starring British (yuck) superstar Susan Boyle and the girl with the shockingly tiny waist from Les Miserables (pronounced “Less Mizz-ray-bulls”).

The Christmas Candle was the highest grossing movie over the Thanksgiving holiday, beating both The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Disney’s new animated propaganda picture Frozen.

Or at least, that’s what the headlines should have said…

Perhaps they accidentally placed the weekend gross on the wrong line of the spreadsheet. Maybe they meant to swap it with the $74.5 million they claim The Hunger Games: Catching Fire made in its second weekend. Although somehow equally dubious websites like Box Office Mojo have very similar numbers. Very suspicious.

Clearly this is an example of big Hollywood trying to hide the truth from the people. Susan Boyle is far more beloved than Jennifer Lawrence, I mean…who even is that? And besides, why would people go see a movie called The Hunger Games over Thanksgiving?

The reported numbers are wrong. They have to be wrong; there is simply no way America would turn their back on a Christmas musical produced by Rick Santorum!

Think about it. I have over 49 friends on Facebook, and 31 of them clicked ‘like’ on The Christmas Candle’s page. Statistical extrapolation suggests that over 60% of real conservative American patriots like the film.

Since over 60 million people voted for Mitt Romney in 2012, that means roughly 38 million people have seen the film. If they each spent $8.12 on a movie ticket that means The Christmas Candle made over $308 million dollars this weekend!!

Explain that, Obama.

Top 10 Liberally Biased Movies of 2012

Big Gay Mike Warning

Emerson Collins, guest writer

Hollywood correspondent Emerson Collins sums up the most dangerous sources of liberal bias coming out of the Industrial-Entertainment Complex this year… as well as a few conservative successes!


10. Zero Dark Thirty

This liberal retelling of our patriots bringing down Osama Bin Laden makes it seem as though Obama and some lowly female CIA analyst just went out and found Bin Laden by themselves. Without the years of work by President George W. Bush, a true conservative, and the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security, President Hussein Obama would not have been able to do his figurehead duty and allow the Seals to get on with doing their job. This film does a tragic disservice to conservative America and the tireless work of the military-industrial complex.

9. Argo

Anyone familiar with the actual Iran Hostage Crisis will not recognize the story in this movie. Every conservative knows that it was conservative hero President Ronald Reagan’s inauguration that struck fear into Iran and ended the crisis.  But in this laughable telling of Jimmy Carter’s spineless handling of the crisis, there is no mention of that. Even worse, mediocre-at-best actor Ben Affleck seems determine to preach the lie that America needed Canada’s help to save those six Americans. CANADA!? As if. Everyone knows Canada never gets anything right.

In fact, if both Canada and Jimmy Carter had just let the military do their job, our citizens would have all been back a hell of a lot faster than 444 days.  Argo is a fiction. And a bad one.

8. The Sessions

This is a movie about sex therapy and surrogacy.  What more needs to be said, folks? The Bible tells us everything we need to know about sex.  If your parts don’t work, God doesn’t want you having sex. Period. Who are you to question God’s plan?

7. Bully

A “documentary” about bullying between adolescents.  This is a perfect example of liberal propaganda, as though learning to roll with the punches and defend oneself isn’t a part of the process of becoming a man.  If a boy doesn’t learn to stand up for himself at a young age, he’s never going to learn.  Calling a boy a “bully” just because he is ready to act like a man is starting to sound like some of that “hate speech” liberals are always going on about.  We should be teaching the others boys to stand up for themselves as well, so they don’t end up like the kids in this movie whining about how they cannot defend themselves.  Boys will be boys. If we don’t want to turn them all into girls, we just sometimes have to let them beat on each other.

6. Prometheus

So according to this movie, human beings are the result of an accidental DNA spill by a bunch of aliens somewhere across the universe? That’s not only stupid, but it goes against the Bible. Not that those atheist liberals would know about that.

Liberal Bias Lorax5. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

It is truly a tragic day when a beloved children’s author’s work is overtaken by a liberal agenda to preach doom and gloom about the environment again.  This liberal “cautionary tale” barely hides the fact that it loves trees more than people.  They should have just titled it “Greenpeace presents Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax and We Love Plants More Than People”.

4. Les Miserables

It’s a musical.  Enough said.

3. Magic Mike

Big Gay Mike WarningStephen Soderbergh, one of Hollywood’s most liberal “directors”, casts a bunch of male actors and writes a love letter to homosexuals. They did not even try to hide it in the marketing campaign and the costumes.  Oh sure, they’ll tell you it was for women. But that’s obviously a lie. It’s real mission is to turn good, God-fearing conservative men into homosexuals.

In fact, anybody who spends a lot of time thinking about how bad homosexuality is can easily tell that this movie is meant to stir evil homosexual erotic feelings in men. It was a big gay movie, and there is no way around it. If you are a conservative man who, quite naturally, spends a lot of time worrying about homosexuality, then just watch this movie again, and you’ll be certain. Watch it really, really closely.  You’ll be able to feel how disgusting and gay it is. There is no hiding it.

1. and 2. Lincoln

This movie is so obnoxiously liberal that it deserves both the first and second place. As we face the current fiscal cliff because liberals refuse to slash useless government programs, Lincoln is the worst liberal Hollywood moment of the year.  You might wonder how the fiscal cliff is related to Lincoln, but that is only because the liberally biased media is covering up this story. If Lincoln had not destroyed the entire economy of the South, we wouldn’t be facing this current fiscal cliff in the first place, because the power would be in the South where it belongs. That’s what the movie Lincoln should have been about, and what it would have been about if Hollywood wasn’t so immersed in liberal bias.

 


Conservative Success in Hollywood in 2012

Fortunately, there were two Hollywood films that managed to overcome the liberal bias in Hollywood, even if only for a moment a two. So, to end on a positive note, we should recognize those moments as well.

Django Unchained

Ignoring Jamie Foxx’s character’s uppity-ness for a moment, Samuel L. Jackson manages to demonstrate that many slaves were treated well, and were happy with being a productive part of the southern economy before Lincoln destroyed our nation.  Bravo, Mr. Tarantino.

Skyfall

James Bond is the perfect conservative example of a man of action willing to do what needs to be done.  Skyfall finally gets it right as Javier Bardem plays the most realistic villain ever in a Bond movie, mainly because he is a homosexual.  Any good conservative knows that as long as the homos are trying to ruin the foundation of families in America, they should always be portrayed as the villains they are.