Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January.
Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used litmus tests as they were “way too sciencey sounding.”
“Each of these fellas has the testicular fortitude we need to lead our nation forward,” proclaimed Boehner, heaping specific praise on Paul Ryan as “someone with the balls to tell any woman exactly what the government and/or her employer expects of her in terms of managing her ladyparts.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hailed the announcement, saying: “We now have a House Leadership team that reflects the true mosaic of today’s party, from the baby powder white of Tom Price from Georgia to the old lace of Steve Chabot from Ohio to the eggshell of Utah’s Jason Chaffetz.”
“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner said the new GOP lineup looked surprisingly familiar to anyone who had watched Season One of his popular show: “The attention to detail is astonishing,” he said. “They’ve really captured both the look and the depressingly sexist attitudes of 1960 in such an authentic, effortless way.”
In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.
Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.
1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER
According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.
2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN
At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.
3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG
Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.
4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.
5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.
6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES
Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.
7. John McCain as MAVERICK
For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.
8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH
It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.
9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.
10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.
11. Joe Biden as DITTO
Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.