The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.
Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.
This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.
Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.
While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.
“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani
“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)
“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association
Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.
Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.
Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”
Or “government by the people.”
Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a real conservative savior.
So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.
With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?
It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!