A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?

Sincerely,
Victor

Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.

 

I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory

Stupid f@$&!#@ bees!

The following video of two bleeding-heart liberals talking about bees demonstrates exactly what is wrong with the left-wing socialist mindset. We will share highlights, and our Right Wing Commentary, below.


(Youtube link: What happens if bees keep dying?)

Below are some excerpts from the video, with the addition of commentary from our good friend and associate, Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host:

David Pakman: …we now know that the British Beekeepers Association says that about a third of all honeybee colonies in England did not survive the winter as we now are moving into summer. Tell us a little bit about that.

Denis Campbell: Well, we had a very wet and a very cold winter. Unseasonably so. It extended for a very long period of time, and because the fall was also quite wet… we’d get a month’s worth of rain in twenty four hours and that happened several time during the months of September and October. What that did was it affected the ability of these bees to forage for food, so they basically suffered something called “hive isolation” where they starve to death in the hive.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: WHAT A BUNCH OF WEAK LITTLE PUSSIES!  If these bees are too stupid to know how to survive freaking RAIN, then maybe they DESERVE TO DIE. Ever think about that? It’s called natural selection: stupid things that can’t survive the winter are supposed to die out.

David Pakman: We actually saw just recently EU member states actually voted to suspend three specific pesticides which, it’s thought that they they cause serious harm to bees… But that’s not gonna make a difference to what we’ve been seeing for years now.

Denis Campbell: Not immediately but it could eventually help. What they’ve done is they’ve passed an EU directive which goes into effect on the first December. What will happen as a result of that is that those three pesticides be completely banned. The problem is, it does not help us for this current summer period, which is of great concern.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: Oh I see how it is!  You’re going to PASS RESTRICTIVE LEGISLATION just because a few lazy bees are too stupid and lazy to figure out how to survive. That’s totally unfair to all of the bees that do survive, by the way! You’re basically giving free help to the lazy, sick, inept bees that are all, like, “OMG… I can’t figure out how to digest this pesticide, I think I’m gonna give up and die instead of trying harder!”  THIS IS TOTALLY FOSTERING A CULTURE OF DEPENDENCY!!!!11

David Pakman: There are those who say, “Okay, so bees are dying, but what does it really matter?” So, talk a little bit about why this is so important and extends beyond just [the fact that] we care about the number of bees.

Denis Campbell: Well, you know, bees play such a vital role. Right now I’m looking out the window of the office here, and we’ve had some rain, and they are literally pollinating all of the flowers, as well as the various parts of the field. Everything is in bloom here in this country, and without the pollination, the bees taking the pollen way and using it to make the honey, the plants themselves basically suffocate, strangle and die.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: Typical socialist liberals do not understand the glorious magic of Free Market Capitalism! Who cares if all the bees die out? Surely, other insects will see the opportunity in the market place, and will therefore fill in that economic niche and start pollinating the flowers themselves. It’s basically like firing a few hundred workers: you can always find new ones. If the bees weren’t so lazy and did their jobs right, they wouldn’t have gotten fired in the first place.

So, as you can see, typical liberals are just trying to play on your emotions. They are trying to make you feel bad for the poor stupid bees. WELL, MAYBE THE BEES ARE JUST LAZY! If they are in trouble, it’s their own damn fault. We can’t be trying to “save the bees”, because that ultimately just makes them dependent on the State.

Everyone knows that if they were good, strong, hard-working American bees, like we had back in the good old days, they wouldn’t be dying out to begin with.

Obviously, these bees are just liberals!!!!

 

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