It is not often that I agree with the federal government, but in the case of the Marijuana they could not be any more on point. The Marijuana is just as bad as heroin or methamphetamine, it has no medical value, and it is very addictive.
Real American patriots, such as writers at Townhall.com and The Heritage Foundation, agree. Millions of people are addicted to The Marijuana; it destroys your brain, your body, and even makes you fool around with that guy you were emotionally attracted to your sophomore year of college even though you are straight and did not find him physically attractive… but I digress.
So why is the nation suddenly becoming captivated with the Marijuana? Even conservative utopias like Arizona are legalizing it for medical purposes. Liberals say it greatly improves their lives, treating everything from seizures to migraines, in addition to enrichening the Bob Marley estate and making food taste really super, super good.
So what is the deal? Why does it seem like God-fearing patriots like you and me have had such a negative experience with marijuana, while so many others have found it to have a profoundly positive impact on their lives?
The answer, clearly, is that its active ingredient, tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), has a LIBERAL BIAS!!!!!
Isolated by Israeli scientists in the 1960s, THC has been extensively researched but the science regarding its effects on the human body only remain a theory, much like evolution and gravity. Thus, we cannot be sure that THC does not discriminate between liberal and conservative users.
Some people say that when members of the Democrat party ingest THC, they are given a satisfying high that reduces stress and somehow allows them to enjoy the music of Phish. When conservatives ingest that same anti-America molecule, on the other hand…
Frankly, this is one of the only times that I will admit I am a little jealous about being a great American instead of a Farmers Market-shopping, hybrid car-driving, non-missionary sex-having Democrat. My flirtation with the Devil’s Grass just gave me a headache and made my blood run cold.
THC MUST have a liberal bias, or else why would it punish me for being a patriot?
So next time you are tempted to inject ganja, remember that it will only feel good…if you are un-American!
The next time someone asks you if you want to smoke weed, show that you are a good conservative by saying something cool and clever like smell ya later!
(NOTE: We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above diagram of THC to signify its liberal bias.)