John D. Rockefeller had a liberal bias!

John D. Rockefeller was a liberal!

John Davison Rockefeller: oil tycoon, founder of Standard Oil, multi-bazillionaire. In his lifetime, accused of espionage, price wars, heavy-handed marketing tactics, and courtroom evasions. How could conservatives not admire the man! He is clearly a man after our own conservative, tea-party, regulation-free, oil-loving, big-business hearts!

Yet, with the usual amount of LIBERAL BIAS you see in history books so-called “educational fact-based” things, what you read about the man does not seem totally conservative by today’s standards.

He gave millions of dollars to universities and colleges, even though today’s conservatives know that schools are liberal indoctrination camps designed to turn our children into atheists and homosexuals.

He gave millions to helping medical research and the medical field, even though today’s conservatives know that medicine is a hoax and all you need to heal people is prayer to Jesus.

And now, just yesterday, to add further insult to his name, Stephen Heintz, president of Rockefeller Brothers Fund, is participating in a pro-environmental movement by divesting the Rockefeller money from oil, coal and gas! Heintz says, “We are quite convinced that if [John D. Rockefeller] were alive today, as an astute businessman looking out to the future, he would be moving out of fossil fuels and investing in clean, renewable energy.”

That’s about the least conservative thing I’ve ever heard!!

So what are we to make of all of these historical “facts” about Rockefeller?

Personally, I’m tempted to simply blame the historical facts for being inaccurate. This man was rich, he owned a monopoly, he loved business and oil… obviously he was a conservative, and therefore he must agree with every opinion of today’s conservative movement!

Much like we did with Ronald Reagan, who was against nuclear bombs and loved raising taxes, we will have to go back and forcefully re-write the history of Rockefeller to make sure his true, deep-down conservative nature is honored.

I mean, if we didn’t…. it would just give people the horrifying idea that John D. Rockefeller was somehow, in some minor way, a liberal!!!

 

[* Historical note: We have added the “I love taxes” speech bubble to the image of Rockefeller, above, as a way to illustrate his icky evil liberalness.  SHUDDER.  In reality, of course, he was around before income taxes, which is part of the reason he was able to amass such ginormous amounts of money while most other people were dirt poor.]

Tetrahydrocannabinol has a liberal bias! #420NO

Some say legalize marijuanna but I say #420no

Some say legalize marijuanna but I say #420no

It is not often that I agree with the federal government, but in the case of the Marijuana they could not be any more on point. The Marijuana is just as bad as heroin or methamphetamine, it has no medical value, and it is very addictive.

Real American patriots, such as writers at Townhall.com and The Heritage Foundation, agree. Millions of people are addicted to The Marijuana; it destroys your brain, your body, and even makes you fool around with that guy you were emotionally attracted to your sophomore year of college even though you are straight and did not find him physically attractive… but I digress.

So why is the nation suddenly becoming captivated with the Marijuana? Even conservative utopias like Arizona are legalizing it for medical purposes. Liberals say it greatly improves their lives, treating everything from seizures to migraines, in addition to enrichening the Bob Marley estate and making food taste really super, super good.

So what is the deal? Why does it seem like God-fearing patriots like you and me have had such a negative experience with marijuana, while so many others have found it to have a profoundly positive impact on their lives?

The answer, clearly, is that its active ingredient, tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), has a LIBERAL BIAS!!!!!

Isolated by Israeli scientists in the 1960s, THC has been extensively researched but the science regarding its effects on the human body only remain a theory, much like evolution and gravity. Thus, we cannot be sure that THC does not discriminate between liberal and conservative users.

Some people say that when members of the Democrat party ingest THC, they are given a satisfying high that reduces stress and somehow allows them to enjoy the music of Phish. When conservatives ingest that same anti-America molecule, on the other hand…

Frankly, this is one of the only times that I will admit I am a little jealous about being a great American instead of a Farmers Market-shopping, hybrid car-driving, non-missionary sex-having Democrat. My flirtation with the Devil’s Grass just gave me a headache and made my blood run cold.

THC MUST have a liberal bias, or else why would it punish me for being a patriot?

So next time you are tempted to inject ganja, remember that it will only feel good…if you are un-American!

The next time someone asks you if you want to smoke weed, show that you are a good conservative by saying something cool and clever like smell ya later!

(NOTE: We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above diagram of THC to signify its liberal bias.)

This ice storm has a liberal bias!

This ice storm has liberal bias!

The headlines read:

A swirling storm with a potential for more than a foot of snow clobbered the mid-Atlantic and the urban Northeast on Tuesday, grounding thousands of flights, closing government offices in the nation’s capital and giving students another day off from school.

Could this story be part of a LIBERAL PLOT TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING???

Consider the evidence:

1) Five years ago, in 2009, Scientific American was reporting that climate change would result in more severe winter storms with more precipitation.

2) In 2010, Scientific American explained again that global warming should predict heavier, harsher winter storms. They even explain why: “U.S. government scientists predicted [in 2009] that global warming will actually increase snowstorms, thanks to the potent combination of more moisture in the atmosphere from warmer average temperatures paired with the usual cold of winter. The U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change predicted the same in 2007. In short, winter storms are likely to become stronger and more frequent, with stronger winds.”

3) In 2011, the liberal website “The Christian Science Monitor” also explained to people that scientists all expect that gradual warming on a global scale would lead to harsher and more dramatic winter storms.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

All good conservatives know that “global warming” is a total hoax designed by atheists to enact a one-world Marxist government through fear and the psychotic tyrannical demand for less pollution.

So how is it possible that this storm just happens to come along, exactly as the theory of global warming predicted??

Obviously, this winter storm must be A LIBERAL, snowing on us and messing with our roads just to try to convert us to liberal ideology.

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to the above picture to illustrate this fact.

More crazy liberal bias from the dictionary!

Liberally Biased Language

Liberally Biased Language

The dictionary is changing. And good conservatives know that all change is bad. Therefore, the dictionary has liberal bias.

But this time, it’s even worse than usual: the dictionary is changing the definition of “marriage”.

According to the Macmillan Dictionary, “marriage” now means: “The relationship between two people who are husband and wife, or a similar relationship between people of the same sex.”

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “marriage” now means: “The condition of being a husband or wife; the relation between persons married to each other; matrimony”, with a supplementary line which says “the term is now sometimes used with reference to long-term relationships between partners of the same sex”.

 

Christians all know that words are defined by God.

Michael Rundell, the editor-in-chief of Macmillan Dictionary, says that the official definitions of words depends on how people use words. “We have a corpus of two billion words, a huge collection of text including books, magazines and recorded speech, which we analyse in great detail to understand frequent and common usage,” Rundell said.

What more evidence to you need? Obviously, dictionaries are liberals!!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the picture above to indicate this fact.

Olinguito has a liberal bias!

olinguito

olinguito

Liberal “scientists” claim to have discovered a new kind of mammal, called “olinguito”, in Colombia and Ecuador. Obviously this is part of a liberal plot to create a one-world government.

First of all, why were scientists even looking for animals in Colombia and Ecuador? Why not look for new animals in the good old U.S.A? Why should we trust American scientists who would rather do research on foreign countries? Has anyone seen their birth certificates?

Secondly, as House Science Committee member Paul Broun (R-GA)  points out, these animals are not mentioned in the Bible and therefore must not exist. The Bible doesn’t mention a place called “Ecuador”, either, by the way.

Finally, what’s with that name? “Olinguito” sounds either like a kind of pasta or the name of a the child of an illegal immigrant, and either way it definitely does NOT sound American.

Clearly, whatever this “olinguito” thing is…. it must be a liberal!!!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to indicate this fact.

Stupid f@$&!#@ bees!

The following video of two bleeding-heart liberals talking about bees demonstrates exactly what is wrong with the left-wing socialist mindset. We will share highlights, and our Right Wing Commentary, below.


(Youtube link: What happens if bees keep dying?)

Below are some excerpts from the video, with the addition of commentary from our good friend and associate, Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host:

David Pakman: …we now know that the British Beekeepers Association says that about a third of all honeybee colonies in England did not survive the winter as we now are moving into summer. Tell us a little bit about that.

Denis Campbell: Well, we had a very wet and a very cold winter. Unseasonably so. It extended for a very long period of time, and because the fall was also quite wet… we’d get a month’s worth of rain in twenty four hours and that happened several time during the months of September and October. What that did was it affected the ability of these bees to forage for food, so they basically suffered something called “hive isolation” where they starve to death in the hive.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: WHAT A BUNCH OF WEAK LITTLE PUSSIES!  If these bees are too stupid to know how to survive freaking RAIN, then maybe they DESERVE TO DIE. Ever think about that? It’s called natural selection: stupid things that can’t survive the winter are supposed to die out.

David Pakman: We actually saw just recently EU member states actually voted to suspend three specific pesticides which, it’s thought that they they cause serious harm to bees… But that’s not gonna make a difference to what we’ve been seeing for years now.

Denis Campbell: Not immediately but it could eventually help. What they’ve done is they’ve passed an EU directive which goes into effect on the first December. What will happen as a result of that is that those three pesticides be completely banned. The problem is, it does not help us for this current summer period, which is of great concern.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: Oh I see how it is!  You’re going to PASS RESTRICTIVE LEGISLATION just because a few lazy bees are too stupid and lazy to figure out how to survive. That’s totally unfair to all of the bees that do survive, by the way! You’re basically giving free help to the lazy, sick, inept bees that are all, like, “OMG… I can’t figure out how to digest this pesticide, I think I’m gonna give up and die instead of trying harder!”  THIS IS TOTALLY FOSTERING A CULTURE OF DEPENDENCY!!!!11

David Pakman: There are those who say, “Okay, so bees are dying, but what does it really matter?” So, talk a little bit about why this is so important and extends beyond just [the fact that] we care about the number of bees.

Denis Campbell: Well, you know, bees play such a vital role. Right now I’m looking out the window of the office here, and we’ve had some rain, and they are literally pollinating all of the flowers, as well as the various parts of the field. Everything is in bloom here in this country, and without the pollination, the bees taking the pollen way and using it to make the honey, the plants themselves basically suffocate, strangle and die.

Generic Conservative Talk-Show Host: Typical socialist liberals do not understand the glorious magic of Free Market Capitalism! Who cares if all the bees die out? Surely, other insects will see the opportunity in the market place, and will therefore fill in that economic niche and start pollinating the flowers themselves. It’s basically like firing a few hundred workers: you can always find new ones. If the bees weren’t so lazy and did their jobs right, they wouldn’t have gotten fired in the first place.

So, as you can see, typical liberals are just trying to play on your emotions. They are trying to make you feel bad for the poor stupid bees. WELL, MAYBE THE BEES ARE JUST LAZY! If they are in trouble, it’s their own damn fault. We can’t be trying to “save the bees”, because that ultimately just makes them dependent on the State.

Everyone knows that if they were good, strong, hard-working American bees, like we had back in the good old days, they wouldn’t be dying out to begin with.

Obviously, these bees are just liberals!!!!

 

artwork by kilimac.deviantart.com

This water has liberal bias!

Liberal old water

Liberal old water

All good conservatives know that the earth is no more than 6,000 years old. So what kind of dastardly trick is going on with this water?

According to the radical left-wing propaganda publication USA Today, liberal “scientists” have found water that is 1.5 billion year.s old.

This is obviously stupid and ridiculous, since every good conservative knows that the earth is only 6,000 years old.  Plus, how can you tell how old water is?  I mean, they say they measured the age of this water using decaying radioactive atoms found in the water itself.   But that just sounds like sciencey mumbo-jumbo to me.

Let me ask you this: when you look at a glass of water, can you tell how old it is?  I thought not.

It’s pretty clear that this water is both demonic and liberal and just trying to trick good conservatives into not believing in the Bible.

That’s right, I said it!  This is LIBERAL WATER!  

We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above photo to signify this fact.

This breakfast has a liberal bias!

This breakfast is liberal.

This breakfast is liberal.

Dennis Prager warns about the social, psychological, and moral dangers of this breakfast. We agree with him, but we also think he does not go far enough with his condemnations….

This appeared as a column on some unknown website a couple of days ago: a person named Dennis Prager explains the true visionary conservative position on schools providing breakfasts for poor children. To sum up, in his own words:

1. “A nutritious breakfast can be had for less than a dollar….” and therefore “it is inconceivable that there are homes in Los Angeles that cannot afford breakfast for their child. ”

2. Giving poor children nutritious breakfasts at schools “both enables and encourages irresponsible, uninterested, and incompetent parenting.”

3. Giving poor children nutritious breakfasts at schools “weaken the parent-child bond.”

4. “The free breakfast profoundly weakens young people’s character.”

To sum up, again in his own words: “These are the ways in which the Left has damaged children and families through free school breakfasts.”

 

These are amazing arguments, but we here at LiberalBias.com have to ask this:

…WHY are you limiting this argument only to school-provided breakfasts?

Consider this:

Textbooks!

Why are our socialist schools providing textbooks for free? A $20 textbook works out to less than 5 cents per day, so it’s inconceivable that anyone would not be able to afford it. If the school provides the textbook, then it just enables bad parents to not buy the books themselves. It also weakens the parent-child bond, because what is more bonding than a parent and child struggling together when they can’t afford textbooks for school?  Finally, giving textbooks to students weakens their character because it makes them assume that they will get free stuff from other people.

Therefore, allowing students to use textbooks without making them pay is destroying the character of our children.

 

Desks!

Why do our socialist schools allow students to sit at desks for free? Why are they not paying a rental fee for the year?  Isn’t this sending the wrong message? Doesn’t this just encourage dependency?  Doesn’t this just enable bad parenting, by letting the parents get away with not paying for the child to rent the desk?

It’s a moral disaster, ladies and gentlemen.

 

…and so on. You get the idea.  You can use this argument to basically demonize anything that schools provide.

So why don’t you, Dennis Prager?  You know you want to.  Go explain to the world that it’s destroying the character of our children that we let them use school desks without paying rent!  Go one: show off your glorious tea-party self!

This car has a liberal bias!

This car is a liberal.

This car is a liberal.

This car represents a success of government financial assistance, which is ridiculous because all conservatives know that government can never help anything. Therefore, this car doesn’t exist. Or something.

Let’s consider some background. During the 2012 Presidential Debates, Mitt Romney said this to President Obama about government subsidies for green energy: “You put $90 billion — like 50 years’ worth of breaks — into solar and wind, to Solyndra and Fisker and Tesla and Ener1. I mean, I had a friend who said, you don’t just pick the winners and losers; you pick the losers.”

It was very easy for Romney to identify Tesla as a “loser” in October 2012. At that time, it was obvious that Tesla’s entire game-plan of building “electric cars” was ridiculous and a waste of time. Moreover, green energy is a waste of time. To give money to companies that are already successful, like Shell Oil, makes sense; but to give money to companies that might fail, like Tesla, is throwing money away on losers. And socialism. It never works. Period.

But then, some weird stuff happened.

In November of 2012, Tesla’s Model S won Motor Trend’s Car of the Year.

In March of 2013, Tesla announced that they were making enough money to pay back their Department of Energy loan 5 years earlier than expected.

And in the April of 2013, Tesla announces that it expects its first profitable quarter.

It’s almost as if…. (now brace yourself)…. the financial assistance from the government actually helped an American industry to develop to the point where it could succeed on its own!

 

HEY TESLA!

HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT MITT ROMNEY, AND GOOD CONSERVATIVE COMMON SENSE?

 

Government financial assistance NEVER helps anything! Green energy NEVER succeeds!  What is going on here?

 

It’s pretty clear that this must all be the result of some kind of deep conspiracy, and liberal bias.  There is only one unavoidable conclusion:

The Tesla Model-S…. is a liberal!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to the above photo to illustrate this fact.

 

The Girl Scouts has a liberal bias!

Liberal Girl Scout Cookies

Liberal Girl Scout Cookies

Girls Scout cookie season is here! It’s time for a short history lesson to answer the question: Why do conservatives HATE the Girl Scouts so much?

If you are not tuned in to the issue, you might not even be aware that, as a conservative, you are supposed to hate the Girl Scouts.  You might even mistakenly think that the Girl Scouts represents some good conservative principles.

For example, during cookie-selling time, the Girl Scouts promotes child labor, and that’s something conservatives like!

Moreover, Girl Scouts mark up their cookies 100%, and more than half of the profits goes to the executive leadership of the organization rather than the girls themselves. Those are the free-market priorities that conservatives are known for!

However, do not be fooled!  All it takes is a quick search online, and you will be able to find dozens of reliable sources, such as flyers that you can download, explaining the out-and-out demonic liberal nature of the Girl Scouts. Some of the websites can barely even contain their hysteria as they explain to you that the Girl Scouts supports wild rampant ex parties, lesbianism, paganism and transgenderism.

“How did this happen?” you might wonder. “How did it come to be that conservatives hate the Girl Scouts so much?”

The story goes back all the way to before the initial formation of the Girl Scouts as an organization.

Back in 1910, the Boy Scouts was formed to encourage boys to focus on being strong, independent, confident, and active in the community. According to historian Susan Miller, author of Growing Girls: The Natural Origins of Girls’ Organizations in America, part of the reason the Boy Scouts formed was to combat the perceived problem of young boys becoming soft and emasculated.

Essentially, the Boy Scouts was brought into being in order to stop young boys from seeming gay and/or girly. This is a well-known good conservative cause, and one that we are still fighting for today. Now, at the time time that the Boy Scouts was first formed, they were also trying to promote a group called Campfire Girls, which was formed to encourage girls to be domestic, submissive and pretty.

Naturally, all of this is in agreement with conservative values.

However, two years later, in 1912, the Girl Scouts was formed… by a woman.  Moreover, it was specifically formed as an organization to be more of a complete parallel to the Boy Scouts, but for girls.  Like the Boy Scouts, it would also promote independence, confidence, and community activity… but for girls instead of boys.

WHAT KIND OF VOODOO LESBIAN LOGIC IS THIS?

DON’T THESE GIRLS KNOW THEIR PLACE?

So right from the beginning, the Girl Scouts was drawing a very liberal false equivalence between boys and girls: assuming that what is good for one would also be good for the other.

Naturally, in the 100 years since then, things have only gone down-hill.

See what happens when you abandon conservative values?  Lesbianism, paganism and transgenderism.

So, to sum up the history lesson:

1912: Girls being encouraged to be more assertive, active and independent.

2012: Trangendered lesbian paganism.

The connection is clear.

 

This is why conservatives HATE the Girl Scouts, and know them to be ultra-radical liberals.

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to signify this fact.

This flying squirrel has a liberal bias!

Liberal Flying Squirrel

Liberal Flying Squirrel

“Flying squirrels are hippies, have a well-known liberal bias and are part of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy,” writes Darrell B. Nelson, at Project Savior. We think this is an important and often-overlooked point.

His argument is based on the issue of evolution theory. Over the years, conservatives have mustered a number of stock arguments against evolution, that they can turn out in any conversation at a moment’s notice. Most of these are well-known, for example: “Star fish haven’t changed in billions of years therefore evolution must be completely wrong” or “If everything is evolving why don’t chimps make sassy Broadway musicals yet?”

One of the more fancy arguments against evolution is based on an idea called “irreducible complexity” and goes like this. Evolution happens slowly, in baby-steps.  There are some features that are enormously complex, and if they are only partially-made they won’t work at all. For example, a wing is a very complex thing. Evolution is gradual, so it can’t make an entire complex wing out of nothing in one generation.

But how could evolution ever get to a whole, complex wing if it goes gradually in “baby-steps”? There is no use to half-made wing! Therefore, evolution would never be able to get around to making a full wing… unless there was something intelligent guiding it!!

That argument has been used over and over again by creationists trying to defend conservative principles against the immoral liberalism of evolution.

But there is a problem: flying squirrels.

Flying squirrels have legs with a simple flap of skin that allows them to glide through the air as they jump from tree to tree. They basically have a “half wing”: a very simple thing that is like a partially formed wing. But it is not useless.  It helps them jump farther and faster, both to get food and get away from predators.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID SQUIRRELS?

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO BELIEVING IN EVOLUTION?

The only conclusion is the flying squirrels must be liberals. We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above picture to signify this fact.

 

Breitbart.com has liberal bias!

Breitbart.com loves taxes!

Breitbart.com loves taxes!
Breitbart.com needs to get their act together. While all other respectable and unbiased news agencies are reporting that there is no recovery, everything is terrible, and Obama is to blame, Breitbart.com is straying from the path and reporting good economic news.

Look at these disgusting socialist-sounding headlines recently appearing on Breitbart.com:

And check out some of these quotes from the articles:

Two key drivers of growth improved last quarter: Consumer spending increased at a faster pace. And businesses invested more in equipment and software.

In addition, homebuilders are stepping up construction to meet rising demand. That could generate more construction jobs.

And home prices are rising steadily. That tends to make Americans feel wealthier and more likely to spend. Housing could add as much as 1 percentage point to economic growth this year, some economists estimate.

Auto sales reached their highest level in five years in 2012 and are expected to keep growing this year. That’s boosting production and hiring at U.S. automakers and their suppliers.

Some recent signs suggest that the job market is holding steady and may even improve a bit. The average number of people seeking unemployment aid each week in the past month is near a four-year low.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, BREITBART.COM??

 

Breitbart.com is LIBERAL BIASWhat originally started as a good, solid, Jesus-loving, xenophobic, union-bashing organization has clearly become infiltrated with some kind of liberal conspiracy or plot or disease or something.

So, just in case you have been tainted by reading their misleading headlines, let me cleanse your brain with a reminder of the cuddly and comforting conservative truth.

Bill O’Reilly, who is always right about everything, was doing an interview with some left-wing lunatic. Here you can hear O’Reilly explaining calmly and rationally all of the facts: the economy is not improving, it is bad, there is no recovery, it is all the president’s fault, and the 60% of people who like the president are therefore obviously morons and left-wing loons:

How can Breitbart.com disagree with this obvious wisdom? It is clear that, despite their occasionally racist headlines, Breitbart.com must be LIBERAL!!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble to indicate this fact.

The English language has a liberal bias!

Liberally Biased Language

Liberally Biased Language
Rabbi Aryeh Spero points out that words like compassion, fairness, greed and love have a liberal bias. We better just get rid of those words completely.

In an article on some unknown website, Rabbi Spero summarizes his argument this way: “We have allowed the political left to hijack and corrupt the moral language, terms such as compassion, fairness, tolerance, love, social justice, greed, peace. Let 2013 be the start of an era in which we take the language back and infuse it with its original religious and classic meaning.”

This seems like a good and noble idea, but Rabbi Spero is making a terrible mistake. The fact is: these words have always been disgusting liberal demons that infect our minds and society. There is no “taking back” their meanings. Instead, our only option is to eradicate these words completely.

Just a few examples, to illustrate the point:


compassion: This is an Old French word from the 12th century meaning  “sympathy” or  “pity”. It is derived from the Late Latin compassionem, which is in turn composed from the stem parts com- “together” and pati “to suffer”. In other words, the word compassion is rooted completely in the idea of people suffering and doing things together rather than independently. There is nothing more communist than that.

Moreover, even in a religious context, the Bible shows us that the word “compassion” stands for liberal ideas.  For example, in 2 Kings 13:22-23:

Hazael king of Aram oppressed Israel throughout the reign of Jehoahaz. But the Lord was gracious to them and had compassion and showed concern for them because of his covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. To this day he has been unwilling to destroy them or banish them from his presence.

In this passage it is obvious that even in the original religious context, the word “compassion” means “to be nice to someone even though he is evil and doesn’t deserve it”. That attitude is the very root of liberalism.

fairness: This actually comes from the Old English word “fægernes”  which originally only meant “beauty”.  The use of this word to mean “even-handedness” only started around the 15th century. Whose communist idea was it to link the notion of “beauty” and “even-handedness”?  Obviously, we should just get rid of this word altogether…. except possibly when it’s used in the “fair maiden” sense, of course.  (P.S. We should also bring back the word “maiden”.)

Note: The word “fairness” does not ever appear in the Bible. That’s how you know that we should just get rid of the word altogether.

greed: The word “greed” is a perfect example of a word that cannot be reclaimed because it has no traditional conservative meaning. Everyone knows that, according to conservative philosophy, greed is good.  Unfortunately, even in its oldest forms the word “greed” has meant something bad.

It comes from the Old English word “grædig” which means “covetous” or “voracious”. Coveting and gluttony (i.e. having a voracious appetite) are both sins. So the original religious meaning of the word “greed” already associated negativity with wanting to get lots and lots of stuff for yourself. That is a very un-conservative mind-set.

Every use of the word “greed” in the Bible implies that it is bad. These are obviously liberal mis-translations. The biased word “greed” needs to be eliminated.

love: This is the only word that legitimately seems to have an original conservative meaning that is different from the liberal meaning that it has acquired in society today.

In today’s society, the word “love” has been twisted to mean something like acceptance or to have a close and joyous relationship with someone or something. This is a disgusting liberal corruption.

The original roots of the word “love” come from the proto-Indo-European language root leubh-   which means “to desire”. So, when using the word correctly in its original form, you would use it like this: I love (desire) money, I love (desire) success, I love (desire) orgasm.

The incorrect, liberal ways to use the term include: I love my parents, I love my neighbor, I love humanity.

I mean, that’s just stupid-talk. You don’t desire humanity, do you?  Duh.

 


Clearly, there is something very wrong here.

Far from being able to “take back” some kind of imagined original conservative meaning of these words, I’m afraid the bitter truth is that these elements of the English language have always been deeply, deeply liberal.  (Except “love”, as we have said, which has had its meaning corrupted.)

 

There is just no way around the conclusion: the English language itself must be liberal!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble, in the image above, to indicate this fact.

The Tale of Conservo-Claus

Liberal Santa

Liberal SantaThe tale of Santa Claus has been twisted and perverted by liberals into a disgusting piece of anti-American propaganda. Today’s Liberal Santa gives welfare entitlements to undeserving unemployed children, owns a television and a microwave despite only working one day per year, and is forced to employ a congenitally deformed reindeer due to political correctness.

But that is not the true, conservative story of Christmas. So in the honorable tradition of Conservapedia, the Half Hour News Hour, and, AMAC, we will take a very popular liberal thing (in this case, Christmas) and change it around completely in order to create our very own conservative version.

You’re welcome.

 


Far up north, where it is very very cold, and will always be cold because God would never allow the planet to change temperature dramatically, there lives a man named Santa Reagan Claus. Usually, he just goes by Santa R. Claus.

He lives there with his wife, because he is heterosexual. Also, a whole collection of immigrant children work in his factory. This is one of the reasons that he is known throughout the world as being so generous and kind to children. If it were not for S. Reagan Claus, those diminutive little people would be completely unemployed and would probably starve and freeze to death in the cold, cold northern ice storms. Basically, Santa Reagan Clause has single-handedly saved their lives.

So anyway, his factory is able to churn out tons and tons of really cheap toys. Partially, because he is using child labor, but also because the North Pole is not burdened by the iron first of government regulation. The liberal hell-hole country of the United States could learn a lot from the Free Market paradise of the North Pole, in fact. Santa only has to pay his under-aged factory workers with candy-canes, which allows him to keep prices very low. The children are happy, too, because, hey, who doesn’t like candy canes? Plus, he dressed them up like elves, which they also enjoy.

So anyway, Santa also contributes to the local economy at the north pole, because he uses locally-produced whale blubber as insulation in the factory walls and fuel for the lamps. He does not use electricity because he prefers to remain “off the grid” so that when the Industrial-Socialist Complex of Vast Democrat Machine finally lowers the Communist Hammer on the world economy, he does not want to be adversely affected.  This is also why he stockpiles approximately 1/3 of all of the guns that are produced in his factory. This is a lesson that your family should also learn from.

So anyway, as the CEO of the North Pole Factory, Santa works very, very hard every single day of the year. The idea that Santa only works one day per year is a myth perpetuated by communists to reinforce the idea of the the 1% are somehow lazy and undeserving. Santa is constantly toiling over balance sheets, invoices, employee reports, and of course reports about his customer base. Because he is a conservative, he has vowed to cut expenses by 1% every single year, and has been doing this since the year 1803. That is why his company is so efficient now. It is also why he pays his underaged factory worker with candy canes.

Conserva-ClausSo anyway, on Christmas Eve, he meets with his distribution department,which is made up primarily of deformed and slightly mentally retarded people. In popular folk lore, these “assistants” are described as being monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are. Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on finding who is best for the job that is needed.  Therefore, Santa employes the members of his distribution department to scare the crap out of children who are bad and beat them, because let’s face it, that is a role to which deformed and disabled people are especially suited.

Also, Reagan Claus wears a big old cross on his hat, because he knows that Jesus is the reason for the season.

So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus and his team of assistants go around the night before Christmas in order to re-enforce capitalist free-market values. How does he do this? When a child has worked hard enough for little or no financial compensation, he is given a very small and very inexpensive bonus in the form of some kind of toy or possibly a piece of food that he is normally too poor to afford. On the other hand, when a child has been lazy and has not worked in a factory, or in the fields, or in an office performing repetitive tasks that the company would normally buy a machine to perform except that the machine is more expensive than child labor, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants place the child into a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.

Because Santa knows that coddling children leads to nothing but dependent, entitled little spoiled brats. In the real world, there are winners and losers… and losers get punished. Those are real conservative values…. and Santa Reagan Claus is there to help you teach them to your children.

 


 

I know that some of you will read this as if it were a joke. Some of you will think that this is exaggerated and horrific and/or silly.

But in the spirit of the holiday, I ask you to take just one small moment out of  your day and really think about it. If this was how Christmas was run every year, can you just imagine how quickly children would learn the value of capitalism and hard work?

All I’m saying is: think about it.

The story of Conserva-Claus might be exactly what America needs.

Thank God for Turkey, Texas

Liberal Turkey.

Liberal Turkey.

Turkeys are disgusting liberal birds that love taxes and hate freedom. This is why we must slaughter and consume as many of them as possible every Thanksgiving. Just like they do in Turkey, Texas!

If you have never realized that turkeys are socialist freedom-hating sodomites who masturbate while looking at pictures of Charles Darwin, then it’s time for you to look at some seriously disturbing facts.  Have you ever wondered why PETA, the radical front group for the DNC, declares a War On Thanksgiving every year? Have you ever wondered why tree-hugging liberals care more about the life of a turkey than one-celled human zygote? Have you ever wondered why PETA calls eating turkey “murder” and tries to scare people into eating grass and soy?

Turkey Attack!Consider this: The reason these birds are called turkeys is that they were originally mistaken for birds imported from the country of Turkey, which means they have suspicious Islamist connections.

Just take a look at this drawing, to the left, of a marauding turkey attacking an innocent American soldier.

What more proof do you need?

Obviously, turkeys are liberal terrorist birds. (We have added the appropriate speech bubble to the above photo to demonstrate this fact.)

This is why it is the duty of all good, red-blooded Americans to slaughter and EAT as many liberals turkeys as possible every thanksgiving.

This is what they do in Texas.  The state of Texas is so patriotic that not only do they threaten to secede every time something happens in Washington that they think is un-American, but they also have the had the most Thanksgiving-day fires caused by people trying to deep-fry their own turkeys for the last four years in a row. Now that’s patriotism.

But even more patriotic than the state of Texas, however, is the small town of Turkey, Texas.

Turkey, Texas has a population of 370. Most households in Turkey, Texas make less than $20,000 per year. One third of the population of Turkey, Texas is over 55.  73% of them have a high school education or less. They are 70% white, with the next-largest group being Native Americans.  The population has been declining by 25% each decade for the last two decades, and their mortality rate is 150% of the national average. How much more true-blue American can you possibly get?

Then, last year, the evil socialistical liberal cult, PETA, tried to invade Turkey, Texas!  Yes, my friend: I know it is hard to believe, but that is how much they hate freedom.

They tried to force Turkey, Texas to change its name to Tofurky, Texas, in honor of their blasphemous heathen idol food, tofu. Naturally, the good Americans of Turkey, Texas stood up to these bullies and refused to change their name.

Good for you, Turkey, Texas!

Now, go slaughter more liberal turkeys! Do it with your bare hands if you need to.

Show the rest of these pansies what it means to be a real American.