Obama says “Fuck You” to all Christians while fellating a Hitler statue

Obama giving the finger while giving oral sex to a statue of Hitler

I know what you’re thinking: “Ooooh, that title is so edgy and controversial!”

Or:  “Isn’t that title is going a bit too far?”

Or even: “I somewhat suspect that the title of this article might not be literally  true!”

NONSENSE!  And I will explain why.

 

We live in the social media age! Nobody really expects newspaper headlines to be literally true any more! How would that get pageviews? More importantly, how would that get people all riled up so that they will yell, and scream, and go out and vote for their team party in November?

Nuh uh. No way. Conservatives are used to headlines that everybody knows aren’t literally true. They are meant to be… suggestive. Impressionistic. Artistic, even!

I will give you two examples.

EXAMPLE 1: Obama says FUCK YOU to all Christians

On Monday, Obama signed an executive order is banning federal contractors from discriminating against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender employees. More important, however, that executive order contained nothing to allow for religion-based exemptions.

This means that if your company gets money from the federal government, then you cannot discriminate against gay or transgender people in your hiring or firing practices. Of course, if you are a devout religious company, you can still discriminate against gay and transgender people as much as you want… as long as you simply refuse to take money from the federal government.

Nobody is forcing you to take money from the federal government.

What is the headline over at Fox News?

Obama’s LGBT Executive Order ENDANGERS RELIGIOUS LIBERTY!!

You can read the whole article if you want, but here is a selection of some of the words and phrases that make an appearance: coercion, blackmail, bullies, forced compliance, and finally: “The Obama administration seems hell-bent on forcing Christians to assimilate to the militant LGBT agenda.”

And that’s just in mainstream conservative media… it doesn’t even begin to touch what you can find in the right-wing blogosphere. According to the headlines on social media, Obama isn’t just persecuting Christians, he is giving a big “FUCK YOU!” to every single Christian on the planet.

Now, conservatives don’t really believe that Obama is doing this.

They couldn’t possibly. That would be stupid. Conservatives aren’t stupid.

Therefore, they must just know that headlines aren’t meant to be taken literally.

 

EXAMPLE 2: While fellating a statue of Hitler

On Tuesday, a three-judge panel on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit has decided that the exact phrasing of the part of the Obamacare legislation that describes subsidies given to poor people stipulates that Obamacare exchange customers who are in exchanges established by the federal government, not a state, cannot legally be given subsidies.

This decision has no force of law… yet.  It was not announced by the full court. It will be appealed. And, a different appeals court has actually handed down the opposite decision on a similar case. All of this has to be sorted out before any action is taken.

So, the White House will, completely legally and in every other way according to the normal way things are done in America, continue to act as though nothing has been decided yet.

Why? Because nothing has been decided yet.

What is the headline over at the Daily Caller?

White House to IGNORE court ruling!

“The Obama administration will continue handing out Obamacare subsidies to federal exchange customers despite a federal court’s ruling Tuesday that the subsidies are illegal!”

OH. MY. GOD!!!   How dare that lawless Obama!  He’s refusing to immediately comply with a court’s sort-of decision! Has he no respect for separation of powers????

 

….Of course, anybody who actually reads these articles or researches the story at all knows full well that Obama is not “ignoring” a court ruling, and that the subsidies have not been determined to be “illegal” just yet. The case is still winding its way through the system.

But once again, conservatives know that headlines aren’t supposed to be taken literally, or factually. They are more like… an impressionistic painting.

Thus, you can convey the general truthiness of the event with the much more interesting headline saying that Obama is a FASCIST DICTATOR and he might as well BE FELLATING A STATUE OF HITLER.

 


 

Conservatives don’t really expect headlines to be literal. Headlines are more  of…. an art form.

To think otherwise would imply that conservatives are really, really stupid.

And conservatives aren’t that stupid.

…Right?