Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total (up from 25% in 2012 and 32% in the last midterms in 2010).
79- year-old Charlie Koch and his kid brother Dave were particularly happy with the results, explaining that they were just really, really mad at the way they had created more wealth for themselves under America’s first black President than they had under all white Presidents combined. “We almost got wiped out in the Bush crash of 2008,” said Charlie, “but under the socialist tyrant Hussein Obama our wealth has recently soared to over $100 billion. Now he has the audacity to suggest we should pay a little more in taxes to maybe repair the roads and bridges our trucks have been using.”
The Kochs spent over $290 million of their barely taxed profits to help defeat Obama. Younger brother Dave said he was particularly offended by Obama’s call for a small increase to the minimum wage and his suggestion that Americans should be slightly nicer to women, seniors, students, gays, blacks, Latinos, working families, veterans, the long-term unemployed and others less fortunate than the highly successful Koch boys. “Fuck that shit,” he said.
With millennials, still exhausted from September’s massive climate march, largely sitting out this year’s election, it was up to voters like 68-year-old Bill Mulberry, Jr. of Huntersville, North Carolina, to decide what policies America would pursue to save the planet. Unfortunately for the planet, Mulberry thinks climate change is a hoax. He also described the fact Obama has created 10.5 million private sector jobs in a record 56-month stretch as “just your opinion.”
With gas prices below $3 a gallon and total American wealth now at the highest level in history, aging white voters said they still yearned for “the good old days,” when America was waging two wars and losing 800,000 jobs a month under a folksy white President.
With Ted Cruz now running both the House and Senate and John McCain set to head the Senate Armed Services Committee, experts say those “glory” days may be returning sooner than anyone who sat out Tuesday’s election may imagine.
I have never understood how liberals win elections.
Sure, every single media outlet (except this one) is part of the liberal agenda, but still. Supposedly, it is because minorities vote for Democrats. That does not make sense to me, because they are, by definition, in the minority.
It’s no wonder that patriotic states are enforcing new voter ID laws. Even if these laws prevent real people from voting, who cares? They’re voting for liberals and liberals are basically not Americans anyway.
However, after entire minutes of investigation, I have found that the truth behind how liberals win elections is literally unbelievable… and I can prove it!
On October 10th, the father of Newark Mayor Cory Booker passed away from Parkinson’s disease…or so that’s what they want you to think. Booker, who was running for New Jersey Senate, suspended all campaign events in order to grieve the loss. At the time, Booker held a steady lead in all the liberal polls, but was clearly losing to Republican opponent Steve Lonegan (if you unskewed the polls).
Six days later, Cory Booker won the special election by over 10 points. This was shocking to many, because not only did Lonegan have the support of popular New Jersey governor Chris Christie, but also senators Rand Paul and even liberal socialists like Ted Cruz. The only logical explanation is that there must be a connection between winning the election and his father’s death.
This is not the first time this sequence of events has occurred. On November 3, 2008, Barack Hussein Obama’s grandmother passed away in “Hawaii,” the fictional group of islands that Obama claims to be from and my parents claim to have gone on for their honeymoon.
The next day, Obama stunned the country by receiving more votes for President than Sarah Palin…I mean, John McCain. Literally nobody expected this, and yet it happened. I am not the first person to notice how fishy this is: beforeitsnews.com theorized that Obama poisoned his grandmother with mercury because he did not want people to find out she was a communist, which makes much more sense than the bland suggestion that she was 86 years old and had a myriad of health problems that come with old age.
These two data points conclusively and undeniably prove that Democrats have to kill family members in order to win elections!
How exactly does that work, you might ask?
If you are anything like my mother, you maythink this helps liberals win elections by making voters sympathetic to the candidates right before the election, effectively winning the last few days of the news cycle. But if you are anything like my mother, you’re wrong!
I asked my secret source within the Democratic National Committee, rumoured to have distant ties to an elite society known only as The Order of the Second Circle, and he told me that with money from Van Jones and ACORN, they employ a demonologist to communicate with Baphomet, an ancient goat-headed deity commonly associated with the Illuminati. It is common knowledge that 1. the Illuminati is totally a real thing and 2. It got a Muslim atheist from Kenya that even makes John McCain look like a conservative elected President.
Is it possible that these otherwise inexplicable deaths were actually blood sacrifices to the Demon Baphomet?
Could it be that Democrats, in their desperate and craven quest for power have employed unholy forces that allow them to win elections against all odds or rational sense?
Is there even a remote chance that any of this is true???
We report, you decide.
There is only one inconsistency that makes me question my own theory. Sacrificial offerings to a higher power are a big part of the Old Testament, the only part of the Bible we know to be 100% factually accurate. Since all liberals are Muslim atheists who believe in helping their fellow man instead of the teachings of Jesus, why would they subscribe to beliefs held in the Old Testament? How could they?
Perhaps liberals are learning the way of the good book. Maybe there’s hope for them after all.
In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.
Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.
1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER
According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.
2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN
At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.
3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG
Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.
4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.
5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.
6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES
Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.
7. John McCain as MAVERICK
For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.
8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH
It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.
9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.
10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.
11. Joe Biden as DITTO
Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.