Republicans reassert “penis power” for 2015-16 Congress

Penis Power: 9 Republican Dicks

Republicans on Wednesday outlined a new “path to the future” by announcing that nine white men would be named to coveted leadership positions when the new Congress begins in January.

Speaker John Boehner denied that there had been any kind of “ litmus test” in the selection process, mansplaining that his party no longer used litmus tests as they were “way too sciencey sounding.”

“Each of these fellas has the testicular fortitude we need to lead our nation forward,” proclaimed Boehner, heaping specific praise on Paul Ryan as “someone with the balls to tell any woman exactly what the government and/or her employer expects of her in terms of managing her ladyparts.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell hailed the announcement, saying: “We now have a House Leadership team that reflects the true mosaic of today’s party, from the baby powder white of Tom Price from Georgia to the old lace of Steve Chabot from Ohio to the eggshell of Utah’s Jason Chaffetz.”

“Mad Men” creator Matthew Weiner said the new GOP lineup looked surprisingly familiar to anyone who had watched Season One of his popular show: “The attention to detail is astonishing,” he said. “They’ve really captured both the look and the depressingly sexist attitudes of 1960 in such an authentic, effortless way.”

Meanwhile, in a blow for women’s rights activists, comedian Sarah Silverman announced that she would take the only logical course of action to succeed in 21st Century America and “become a dude.”

Ep 21: EXPOSED AND EXPLAINED: The Republican 5-Point Plan

John Boehner took 16 minutes to explain his “5 point plan” to save the Universe… I mean, America. Luckily, Zach Heltzel can explain it in only four.

It really is quite simple. Republicans want no spending, no lawsuits, no taxes, no mean regulations, no spending, and they want to use Federal money to pay for every single poor kid in America to go to private school.

You don’t believe me? Watch the video… it’s all there. All that, and some stuff about sucking d**k that Zach completely improvised against his producer’s advice. We left it in the video, because… you know.

So this is it! This is the Republican plan. This is what the GOP will focus on from now until election day 2016.  Oh, and: he didn’t say squat about immigration, abortion, or gay marriage. Let’s see everybody’s “shocked face”.

 

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFhH3NF88B8

New Dog, Old Tricks: Ted Cruz invokes classic “unskewing” argument that worked so well in the 2012 elections

Support after the shutdown

Well, if nothing else, Republicans are at least consistent. Moreover, Ted Cruz is clearly a brave, brave man. He is a brave man to unflinchingly use a strategy that brought utter and complete shame to the Republican Party less than two years ago.

In case you missed it, the above graph shows the public opinion poll results that illustrate how people have been feeling since this whole government shut-down thing began. Clearly the graph must have some kind of liberal bias, since it shows that apparently Obama and the Democrats have not been harmed by the shut-down, whereas the Tea Party and John Boehner are currently slightly less popular than radioactive dog feces.

But Ted Cruz made even the most die-hard Republicans squirm slightly with discomfort when he trotted out his explanation of exactly how this graph was biased.

“I’ll note that that poll was very heavily weighted with an awful lot of Democrats with an awful lot of Obama supporters,” said Ted Cruz, citing the fact that 43 percent of the respondents leaned Democrat while only 32 percent of them leaned Republican.  NBC noted, of course, that this perfectly reflects composition of the country at the moment, where the number of people across the entire nation that claims that they lean Democratic also outnumber the number of people who claim that they lean Republican.

But according to Ted Cruz, this represents a gross and unfair problem with the poll.

The most awkward thing about this claim is that it is simply trotting out the exact same logic that every single Republican pollster used in 2012 to predict a glorious Mitt Romney landslide. That was the point in history when the famous meme “unskewed polls” first came about: the GOP logic that in order to get a “fair” sample you had to always poll exactly the same number of Republicans and Democrats, regardless of how many people actually belong to each party.

Well, that “Mitt Romney landslide” never happened, and the election was followed by several months of relentless mocking of conservative news media for their “unskewing” tactics that universally and without exception got everything completely and utterly wrong.

So I guess that just means this: Hats off to you, Ted Cruz. You’ve got some balls. Only a man so blinded by the shining Godly light of ideology would dare to trot out that old “trick” to explain poll results.  Bravo, sir.

“Favorability” has a liberal bias!

Liberal Bias Favorability

Liberal Bias Favorability

The new Quinnipiac survey results were released last week. They show one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: the word “favorability” must have a liberal bias!

Look at these disgusting, liberal survey results. For each politician, the blue bar represents the number of people who rated their view of the politician as “favorable” while the red bar represents the number of people who rated their view of the politician as “unfavorable”.  (They do not add up to 100%, because the difference is the number of people who said that they did not have enough information to answer.)

The gray diamond shows the favorability margin: the favorability minus the unfavorability.

First of all, there is an obvious liberal bias to this poll, because the Republican politicians overall averaged much more unfavorably than the Democratic ones. In fact, the only Republican politician who ranked as more favorable than the lowest-rated Democratic politician was Marco Rubio. Clearly this means that the whole idea of “favorability” is liberal and communist and this question shouldn’t even be asked.

However, that is not even the worst part of this survey result.

The worst part is this: HILLARY CLINTON?  REALLY??????

Don’t the American people REALIZE that she’s, like, practically the devil?

Haven’t the American people been listening, when we tell them that she had White House Counsel Vince Foster killed, she accepted money from a Chinese spy, she has a lot of mysterious dead friends, she manipulated high risk commodities futures in a money scam, she was involved in something called Whitewater that nobody remembers but was a big scandal, she is secretly a lesbian (you can tell because of her haircut), she faked a concussion and/or allowed herself to be pushed down the stairs just to avoid testifying about Benghazi, and… and… STUFF LIKE THAT???

How can the American People like this woman???

Obviously, they have all been hypnotized by some kind of liberal lesbian voodoo.

 

And if that weren’t bad enough, this poll now gives liberals an excuse to shamelessly brag and strut about how popular their girl Hillary is.

God, they are such sore winners.

 

graph data source: quinnipiac poll results, Feb 8 2013
graph created by: liberalbias.com

The State of the Union Awards

Red Carpet

Red CarpetFor those of us who live in Hollywood, awards season is a time of non-stop excitement.  The Academy Awards, Emmys, Tony Awards, WGA Awards, SAG Awards, and of course the most dramatic of them all: the State of the Union Awards.

The ceremony for this year’s SOTU Awards was not as dramatic as it has been some years in the past, but still provided a few upsets and some unexpected surprises. Now that the red carpet has been cleaned, and the pomp and circumstance is over, it is time to review the results of America’s biggest award ceremony since the previous one.

 

Best Supporting Actor: Joe Biden cruised to an easy win on the “I’m just happy to be nominated” image he’s been perfecting for years.  John Boehner whined to the advance press junket, “I don’t even want to be there.  I’m not a character actor, I’m a leading man!”  Boehner’s many critics, however, point out that there is more to being a “serious” actor than being able to cry on cue.

 

Best Supporting Actress:  Michelle Obama received universal support for the win with no other real contender through the awards circuit.  She also had the distinction of being the only person in attendance who bothered to get dressed for the evening.  The standard suit and tie, military uniforms and sensible pant suits gave the pundits little to discuss during the lackluster red carpet arrivals.

 

Best Foreign Language Film: This always yawn-worthy category, which typically serves as a bathroom break for most viewers, was once again carried by “Immigration Reform,” though much of the nuance of the subject matter is lost in translation on an audience that is not really interested in reading a movie.  An unnamed source claimed Rick Perry could be heard doggedly pushing his “Build A Bigger Wall” entry, which was not nominated.

 

Best Editing/Special Effects:  “Energy” and the new approach it brings to film cleaned house at the technical awards, but “Big Oil” continues to pound the fledgling competition with its massive budget, over-saturated marketing campaign and familiar action-style editing.

 

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film: “Climate Change,” the only submission in this category since “Let’s Go To Space” stopped being a contender, has no real budget and continues to submit the same tired plot in a re-edited version of the same project in the hopes it will find a new audience.  And funding.

 

Longest Running Franchise: “Taxes: Loopholes and Spending” managed to squeeze out a win over the uninspired “Jobs, Jobs and Good God We Need More Jobs” to take home the award in this category. However, with every entry exhibiting a complete lack of any long-term plot development, most critics agree that an uninterrupted camera shot of a wall of paint drying would win in this category if someone would just submit it.

 

Best Documentary:  “Bring Our Troops Home IX” is the newest edition of the documentary series that always manages to evoke strong support for a win. Some critics are baffled that audiences have not grown bored of the concept, since the original “Bring Our Troops Home” documentary was released in 1964.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay:  “Government: Smarter Not Bigger”, released by the Democratic Films production studio, was the clear winner in the Adapted category. Representatives of competing studios could be heard grumbling, however, that stealing a plot is not the same as adapting it.

 

Best Epic Film: “Entitlement Reform” continues to be the goliath here, handily winning again, but it continues to seem as though no one has actually gotten around to watching the grinding epic all the way through to find out how it ends.

 

Best Actress:  The winner by a landslide, Hillary Clinton, was noticeably absent.  Many believe she is already in pre-production for her next pet project, to be released in 2016.

 

Best Actor:  This award was not given.  In a moment of embarrassment for the entire industry, voters determined that no performance was worthy of a win.

 

Best Feature Film: The controversial big winner of the night was “Guns.”  The tired subject made an explosive return to the ceremony, though the actual meaning of the project evokes strongly divisive responses between those who defend it as art and critics who believe it is glorified torture porn.  Beloved actress Gabby Gifford came out opposed to it, apparently willing to sacrifice her future career on the altar of Jane Fonda.

 

Host Barack Obama: The grassroots affection which pushed him through his first several years presiding over the event has dissipated as many now believe that the “Hope and Change” sweep of 2008 was undeserved.  Obama played the evening strongly toward fans of his current body of work, patronizing his critics and insulting the discerning viewer who refuses to be sold on his flash-over-plot action-style vehicles.

 

Notable Shutouts:  Despite strong support from film festivals and young ticket buyers, “The Gays” was all but shut out.  The most audible grumbling, before and after the broadcast, was from the “Tea Party” cast, producers and fans who were not even invited to present.  Rand Paul, deemed unworthy of an actual nomination for his work in “Tea Party”, cheekily gave his own acceptance speech anyway.

 

Best Performance by A Prop: Best Male Ingénue winner Marco Rubio’s water bottle.  No one remembers his acceptance speech, but the gulp heard round the world was the talk of the after parties.  He may be a flash-in-the-pan Bobby Jindal waiting to happen as his career falls from studio films to cable one hour dramas.