11 Washington Halloween costumes

In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.

Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.

1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER

Ted Cruz Toxic Avenger
Sources: rumproast.com/comicvine.com

According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.

2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN

Mitch McConnel

At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.

3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG

 Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com
Sources: en.wikipedia.org/theepochtimes.com

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.

4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX

Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
Sources: eastvalleytribune.com/pldh.net

After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.

5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS

 Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com
Sources: historyguy.com/thieapolis.com

Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.

6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES

Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com
Sources: netrightdaily.com/rugrats.wikia.com

Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.

Almost.

7. John McCain as MAVERICK

 Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com
Sources: wired.com/moviegoss.com

For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.

8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH

Source: slate.com
Source: slate.com

It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.

9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE

Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
Sources: weaselzippers.us/hitfix.com

To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.

10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

 

Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com
Sources: salon.com/horizonservicesinc.com

Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.

11. Joe Biden as DITTO

 Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com
Sources: whitehouse.gov/IGN.com

Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.

The State of the Union Awards

Red Carpet

Red CarpetFor those of us who live in Hollywood, awards season is a time of non-stop excitement.  The Academy Awards, Emmys, Tony Awards, WGA Awards, SAG Awards, and of course the most dramatic of them all: the State of the Union Awards.

The ceremony for this year’s SOTU Awards was not as dramatic as it has been some years in the past, but still provided a few upsets and some unexpected surprises. Now that the red carpet has been cleaned, and the pomp and circumstance is over, it is time to review the results of America’s biggest award ceremony since the previous one.

 

Best Supporting Actor: Joe Biden cruised to an easy win on the “I’m just happy to be nominated” image he’s been perfecting for years.  John Boehner whined to the advance press junket, “I don’t even want to be there.  I’m not a character actor, I’m a leading man!”  Boehner’s many critics, however, point out that there is more to being a “serious” actor than being able to cry on cue.

 

Best Supporting Actress:  Michelle Obama received universal support for the win with no other real contender through the awards circuit.  She also had the distinction of being the only person in attendance who bothered to get dressed for the evening.  The standard suit and tie, military uniforms and sensible pant suits gave the pundits little to discuss during the lackluster red carpet arrivals.

 

Best Foreign Language Film: This always yawn-worthy category, which typically serves as a bathroom break for most viewers, was once again carried by “Immigration Reform,” though much of the nuance of the subject matter is lost in translation on an audience that is not really interested in reading a movie.  An unnamed source claimed Rick Perry could be heard doggedly pushing his “Build A Bigger Wall” entry, which was not nominated.

 

Best Editing/Special Effects:  “Energy” and the new approach it brings to film cleaned house at the technical awards, but “Big Oil” continues to pound the fledgling competition with its massive budget, over-saturated marketing campaign and familiar action-style editing.

 

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film: “Climate Change,” the only submission in this category since “Let’s Go To Space” stopped being a contender, has no real budget and continues to submit the same tired plot in a re-edited version of the same project in the hopes it will find a new audience.  And funding.

 

Longest Running Franchise: “Taxes: Loopholes and Spending” managed to squeeze out a win over the uninspired “Jobs, Jobs and Good God We Need More Jobs” to take home the award in this category. However, with every entry exhibiting a complete lack of any long-term plot development, most critics agree that an uninterrupted camera shot of a wall of paint drying would win in this category if someone would just submit it.

 

Best Documentary:  “Bring Our Troops Home IX” is the newest edition of the documentary series that always manages to evoke strong support for a win. Some critics are baffled that audiences have not grown bored of the concept, since the original “Bring Our Troops Home” documentary was released in 1964.

 

Best Adapted Screenplay:  “Government: Smarter Not Bigger”, released by the Democratic Films production studio, was the clear winner in the Adapted category. Representatives of competing studios could be heard grumbling, however, that stealing a plot is not the same as adapting it.

 

Best Epic Film: “Entitlement Reform” continues to be the goliath here, handily winning again, but it continues to seem as though no one has actually gotten around to watching the grinding epic all the way through to find out how it ends.

 

Best Actress:  The winner by a landslide, Hillary Clinton, was noticeably absent.  Many believe she is already in pre-production for her next pet project, to be released in 2016.

 

Best Actor:  This award was not given.  In a moment of embarrassment for the entire industry, voters determined that no performance was worthy of a win.

 

Best Feature Film: The controversial big winner of the night was “Guns.”  The tired subject made an explosive return to the ceremony, though the actual meaning of the project evokes strongly divisive responses between those who defend it as art and critics who believe it is glorified torture porn.  Beloved actress Gabby Gifford came out opposed to it, apparently willing to sacrifice her future career on the altar of Jane Fonda.

 

Host Barack Obama: The grassroots affection which pushed him through his first several years presiding over the event has dissipated as many now believe that the “Hope and Change” sweep of 2008 was undeserved.  Obama played the evening strongly toward fans of his current body of work, patronizing his critics and insulting the discerning viewer who refuses to be sold on his flash-over-plot action-style vehicles.

 

Notable Shutouts:  Despite strong support from film festivals and young ticket buyers, “The Gays” was all but shut out.  The most audible grumbling, before and after the broadcast, was from the “Tea Party” cast, producers and fans who were not even invited to present.  Rand Paul, deemed unworthy of an actual nomination for his work in “Tea Party”, cheekily gave his own acceptance speech anyway.

 

Best Performance by A Prop: Best Male Ingénue winner Marco Rubio’s water bottle.  No one remembers his acceptance speech, but the gulp heard round the world was the talk of the after parties.  He may be a flash-in-the-pan Bobby Jindal waiting to happen as his career falls from studio films to cable one hour dramas.