Every scriptural argument for being a gun-toting, open-carry nutjob!

Some Christians ask, "What heat would Jesus pack?" But that is the wrong question.
Jesus wants you to pack heat. Jesus wants you to open-carry. And if society says that means you are a “crazy gun nut”…. then so be it!

Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?

Concerned Parent

Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals always get it wrong.

So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!

Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.

Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).

So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t!


Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you should cherry-pick instead:

“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.”1 Samuel 25:13

“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6

“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1

 

“Now hang on a minute!” some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”

As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.

For example, take the Sermon on the Mount.  “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.

So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.

Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”

So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.

Reverend Pat Robertson very wisely concludes, “What is the new Beatitude? Blessed are the fully armed for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.”

At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”

Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.

Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!

It’s all right there, in the Bible.  Piece be with you,

Pastor Gregory

 

Tea Party caucus proposes bill to define new list of Founding Fathers

The Founding Fathers: Tea Party Style

The Tea Party has never been happy with some of the people who are considered Founding Fathers of the Unites States. Although no official list really exist, the Founding Fathers are generally assumed to include at least the Committee of Five (Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin), and often include other notable early American political figures as well, including George Washington, James Madison, Patrick Henry and George Mason. Some people consider anyone who signed the Declaration of Independence to be a Founding Father.

But several of the core Founding Father members, even members of the Committee of Five, don’t quite sit well with today’s Tea Party Conservatives. As a result, they have formed a new House Committee to propose legislation to officially declare the list of Founding Fathers to be Robert Livingston, Roger Sherman, George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus.

“George Washington was cool,” the chair of the committee remarked, “He said ‘It is impossible to govern the world without God and the Bible.’ Which is basically what we think, as Christian conservatives. But some of those other guys… come on. Thomas Jefferson? John Adams? And don’t even get me started with that weirdo freak Ben Franklin!”

This movement in the Tea Party really began in 2010, when the Texas Board of Education officially re-wrote history textbooks to eliminate Thomas Jefferson from the list of people who influenced the founding of the United States, and replaced him with John Calvin. Thomas Jefferson offends Tea Party politicians because he said, among other things,

“I am a Materialist. Among the sayings and discourses imputed to [Jesus] by His biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others, again, of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same Being.”

John Calvin, on the other hand, is well-known for having put Geneva under religious martial law in 1537, and throwing people into prison for sleeping in church or inappropriately smiling during baptisms. Definitely a Tea Party Patriot.

John Adams is a bit more ambiguous. He did say, “The general principles on which the fathers achieved independence were. . . . the general principles of Christianity.” However, he also signed into a law a treaty that included the phrase, “the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion.” There is some dispute over where that line originally came from, but Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, and other members of the Tea Party caucus insist that any list of Founding Fathers must be totally and completely pure… and so John Adams is out. The Tea Party proposes Ronald Reagan as an alternate to fill his slot, although it is important to note that it wouldn’t be the real Ronald Reagan but actually just a collection of specific quotes and ideas from Ronald Reagan that the Tea Party likes.

Finally, Benjamin Franklin is definitely out. He overtly and plainly described himself as a “thorough Deist.” A Deist is a person who believes in the existence of a God or supreme, being but denies revealed religion, basing his belief on his own reason and observations of nature. Deists reject the Judeo-Christian accounts of God as well as the Bible.

Jesus is considered by many to be a favorite to replace Ben Franklin, although there is still some debate over whether “that hippie should cut his hair first.”

 

Re: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is ALL YOURS, JC! FOFLLLL

Fred Phelps is dead, and will probably go to heaven
Fred Phelps is dead, and will probably go to heaven
Fred Phelps is dead. According to the rules, he goes to heaven. That’s where things get a little awkward.

I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands. These emails between two very high-ranking members of the church would obviously normally be private. Once I gained access to them, however, I felt it was my duty and obligation to leak them to the public.

Note: Please do not try to make sense of the timestamps on these emails. Clearly the inhabitants of the astral planes measure and experience time differently from us, and use their own notation.

Enjoy.


date: 13.0.1.4.13 | 2 B’en | 11 kumk’u | G3 T 93458995
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
hahaha looks like I beat you at your own game rookie! That douche Fred Phelps was doing it all in your name. He’s been praying that silly prayer of salvation for years! He invites you into his heart and then tells the entire world you hate them. Suckerrrrr.
date: 13.0.1.4.13 | 2 B’en | 11 kumk’u | G3 T 98123337
from: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
to: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
subject: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
No way he’s YOURS, bitch!We’ve been in meetings all day but the Holy Spirit, the Father, and I are re-working the way we let folks in da hiz-ouse. No more of that silly “accept me into your heart” crap.You get Fred. Ain’t nobody got time for that up in here!The Arch Angel Michael has already chained himself to the gates to protest the idea that he might have to deal with Phelps. Ugh.
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00104562
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
I never thought I’d say this, so don’t go running your holy rolling mouth, but I can’t have someone who might very well be MORE OF A JERK THAN I AM hanging around.I created that monster, and I’m pretty damn proud….. but the WHOLE POINT was that he’d be sent up with y’all!!!!HE’S A CHRISTIAN WHO FOLLOWS YOUR RULES. Not my problem, JC! Not my problem!PS. I may or may not have dared Michael to do that protest. Did you see the one sign he held, “God Hates Fred!” – see what I did there? Muahaha
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00199997
from: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
to: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
You DO REALIZE I’m the one in charge here! MY kingdom. I let you play your little evil games, but I could stop you at any point IF I WANTED TO. Fred goes to you, end of story. Don’t make me give u a beat down.You know I can’t have a homophobe all up in here! We play harps and fly around on clouds half naked, for dad’s sake! Not to mention, I just “came out” to heaven a few centuries ago and everyone is still camping out on that one silly verse Paul wrote in Romans – GOD DIDN’T EVEN MEAN THAT WTF!!!!!111
date: 13.0.1.4.14 | 3 Ix | 12 kumk’u | G4 T 00436532
from: Satan <lucifer@pandemonium.underworld.co.astral>
to: Jesus <datsmisterjc2u@primum.astral>
subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Freddy-boy Phelps is going to YOU, JC! FOFLLLL
Bwahahaha! What-EVER. I love that “your people” hate just about everyone different from them. Fred’s no different, just the best at it! He even hates you!But this is why I love you so much, bro. “if you wanted to”??? u just admitted that you LET ME DO ALL MY DIRTY WORK!!Doesn’t that make YOU the bad guy? Sinner.

6 famous people who must have been white because they were so awesome

By now everyone has heard that Megyn Kelly said that Santa Claus, the 100% real North Pole resident that delivers gifts to kids around the world while undermining free market capitalism, is white. She then went on to add that Jesus Christ, the son of God, was also white.

This outraged a bunch of liberals,who claim that she is “wrong”… at least, about Jesus. But she was really just speaking the obvious and intuitive truth that all good conservatives know in their hearts and in their guts: all of the important people in history were white. It’s what we’ve been taught, and it’s just plain old obvious.

Let’s take a look at some examples.

1. Cleopatra

Cleopatra, best known for being the last pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, remains a popular Western figure because as my cousin who lives in West Hollywood would say, she is “totes fab.”

And a few years ago, rumors circulated that homewrecker Angelina Jolie, who famously stole Brad Pitt away from America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston, was going to play the role of Cleopatra. Now, why would Jennifer Aniston be playing someone who wasn’t white? That just doesn’t make sense.

2. Hannibal the Conquerer

If you Bing the words “Hannibal + black,” you will find lots of hilarious claims that Hannibal was black, when really he was Phoenician. I learned this in a history class in high school. I’m not really sure what “Phonecian” is, but it definitely isn’t “black”, because if it did mean “black” I’m sure my high school teacher would have mentioned that.

Anyway, I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona, therefore I am also Phoenician, and I am white.

3. Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan was the head of the Mongol Empire for two decades in the thirteenth century. But did you know that Genghis Khan’s ancestry is actually from Turkey? Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean he was white, but in the 1956 film The Conqueror, Genghis Khan was portrayed by none other than John Wayne. He is just about the whitest actor who ever lived. Obviously, the good conservatives who cast him in this part must have known Genhis Khan was also white.

Genghis Kahn was white with blue eyes.

4. Frederick Douglass

Frederick Douglass was undoubtedly an accomplished man, and a key influence on why there is a Black History Month and only 11 White History Months. He was instrumental in not only ending slavery but also supporting women’s suffrage, and was the first African American nominated for Vice President of the United States.

Except… his father was white and his mother was black! And while he inherited the skin color of his mother, well, any good conservative and Tea Party American knows that it just must have been his white half that accomplished all those awesome things.

Mr. Peanut

5. Booker T. Washington

PBS says that Booker T. Washington was the most famous black man in America between 1895 and 1915. But like Douglass, his father was white. Plus, his mother was also half-white. On top of that, Booker T. Washington’s crowning achievement was discovering literally hundreds of uses for the peanut.

Now, just speaking culturally, and that’s what matters in these things, peanuts are… I mean, it doesn’t get any more white than that. Look at Mr. Peanut. Has there ever been a more clear image of whiteness?

6. Michael Jackson

In America, everything is about looks. And if you look white, you’re white. And not only did Michael Jackson look white, but Captain EO was just the bomb dot com. Something that cool is clearly an indication of whiteness.

Look, the logic here isn’t always consistent. But good conservatives, like Megyn Kelly, have always trusted instincts and guts more than logic and consistency.

So, in the end, it works like this. If you don’t look white, you can still be white as long as your father was white or you did something really cool in history so that white people look up to you and kick-ass white actors like John Wayne want to play you in a movie.

And that is why Megyn Kelly knows, in her heart, that all the AWESOME people have always been white.

 


 

Post Script: Of course by these standards, Barack Hussein Obama is NOT white, even though he was birthed by a white person and raised by white grandparents. He would be white if he had accomplished anything a good solid conservative would want to take credit for… but reforming a broken healthcare system, ending two wars, and striking a nuclear arms treaty with Russia? For shame. Any conservative will tell you, that’s not what a real white person would do.

It’s the end of the world as we know it… and Obama feels fine!

Michele Bachmann, Revelations Angel

With neo-marxist Barack Hussein Obama leading our country into the demise of liberal hedonism we as Christians should wake up and realize God is sending us ample signs: we are in the End Times!

Now I know what you are thinking: You’ve heard this before. Harold Camping told us that the End Times of Revelations would come in 2011. Pat Robertson told us it would happen in 2007. Sun Myung Moon and Jerry Falwell both said it would be in 2000. Nostradamus said it would happen in 1999. 17th-century Irish Archbishop James Ussher predicted the world would end 6000 years after Creation, which everyone knows was back in 1997.

Obviously, they were all wrong. But THIS TIME IT’S TRUE AND I’M SURE OF IT.

How do I know?

First of all, the brilliant and Christ-like U.S. Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who oozes with the love of Jesus, has recently revealed to us,

“[President Barack Obama’s support of Syrian rebels] happened and as of today the United States is willingly knowingly intentionally sending arms to terrorists now what this says to me I’m a believer in Jesus Christ as I look at the End Times scripture this says to me that the leaf is on the fig tree and we are to understand the signs of the times we are to understand where we are in God’s end…”

Now, what could be more clear?

What is more, Michelle Bachmann herself is predicted in the Bible! Her joyous and uplifting political speeches are obviously what the Holy Bible envisions: “And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations… and then shall the end come.” (Matthew 24:14). It is almost as if the Bible is telling us that Michelle Bachmann’s political speeches will cause the end of the world.

But wait, there’s more.

The recent government shutdown debauchery has shown the great division between the Conservative majority and the liberal socialism of the Democratic party. The Gospel of Luke prophesied this shutdown:

“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation; and a house divided against a house falleth” (Luke11:17).

The House has falleth! (Is it just a  coincidence that we call it “The House” of Representatives? I think not.)

And that’s just the beginning. Obama’s erotic fixation with legalizing gays and their anal-antics was prophesied in Timothy:

“They (the liberals) forbid people to marry (heterosexuals) and order them to abstain from certain foods (vegetarianism), which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth” (1 Timothy 4:3-4).

The Biblical prophecies continue to send shivers down my spine, as the Gospel of Matthew foresaw the many wars we’ve experienced in the past decade:

“And ye shall hear of wars … For nation shall rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom” (Matthew 24:6-7).

We not only see wars between nations, but also wars against the pro-life movement and the current Obamacare war against affluent Americans, forcing them to redistribute their individually-hard-earned wealth.

Mr. Hussein Obama and his liberal Marxists Democratic friends are also waging a violent assault on the free-market—the only economic system ever to truly bring prosperity. Interestingly enough, the prophesies in Revelation predicted this would happen,

“And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name” (Revelation 13:17).

What’s the mark of the beast you ask? Liberal trade regulations!

With the End Time’s Biblical prophesies unraveling before our very eyes, we must remember that on that day when Jesus rides in from the clouds to save us from the Obama political nightmare we will rejoice! As Michelle Bachman said, “Rather than seeing this as a negative, we need to rejoice, Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, His day is at hand…”

“So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, this generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled” (Matthew 24:33-34).

 

How to keep Christ in Christmas

Example Christmas gift.

Buy Jesus Now.

The Christmas spirit is one of love and compassion, one of hope and expectation, embodied in the life and death of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. That is why it is important to advertise Christ on all of your decorations, clothing, and bumper stickers this glorious Christmas season.

The Christmas spirit has been lost in our liberal-leaning, yet once Christian, nation. The growing quest for inclusivity have gone so far that we are now harassed for wishing someone a “Merry Christmas.” This strange cultural manipulation of Jesus’ birth celebration has lead many Christians to rightfully coin the phrase, “Keep Christ in Christmas.”

This motto of keeping Christ in the Christmas season is one that we conservatives can and should unite under.  In our current political climate, especially with the re-election of Barack Hussein Obama, it is so very clear that the word “Christmas” will soon be seen as hate speech.

So this holiday season, let us remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the one who showed us life and life in its abundance, he showed us the only true path to salvation and revealed to us the wrath and mercy of God. As Jesus preached and saved the wicked, he undoubtedly frustrated the religious and political powers, which ultimately ended in his death – it is this radical spirit of activism that we Christians must submit ourselves to. We must stand up in civil disobedience to the liberal media and socialist politicians that are captivating our culture and transforming Christian values into the idolatrous worship of inclusivity.

Example Jesus-themed Christmas gift.
Example Jesus-themed Christmas gift.

Singing Christmas Carols, celebrating with family parties, adorning your car with a Christmas bumper sticker, wearing Christmas earrings, and decorating your homes and lawns and cars and trailer with the “Merry Christmas” message itself have become ways in which we as Christians can stand up against the “powers and principalities” that Paul told us we inevitably have to fight.

This year, in the flurry of cookies to bake, family to visit, and presents to exchange, remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Christ should appear on every card, every ornament, and even every gift that you give. Pictures of Christ, lamps shaped like Christ, even glowing lawn ornaments that spell out the name of Christ are ways that you can help spread the true Christmas spirit.

Some people might call it commercialism, but for conservatives it just means you are bearing the cross of Christ.