Halloween has been an issue for Christians for a long time, but Pastor Gregory has a solution: your children can celebrate Halloween without fear… all we have to do is make Halloween about Jesus Christ!
Luckily, Christians are really good at this kind of thing. They have been doing it for a long time. They took the Pagan December 25th Holiday Saturnalia and decided it REALLY is a celebration of the birth of Jesus! They took the Pagan spring festival, and decided it was REALLY about the resurrection of Jesus! So why not do the same thing for Halloween?
So for all you Christians who are saying, “How can I make it OK for my children to enjoy Halloween?” Pastor Gregory has an answer:
“What does the transfiguration of Jesus have to do with dressing up and October 31st? That’s the beautiful thing about Christian holidays… IT LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER!”
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Today’s letter is about the quintessential American topic: the relationship between guns and God.
Dear Pastor Gregory,
My son wants to buy a gun to protect our family. I have been hesitant to buy him the machine gun he wants because I thought my faith in Jesus meant I had to be non-violent or something. As a single mother I could really use his protection, but I want to know what is best for my family! Would Jesus carry a gun?
Well, I think we have to be careful how we interpret scripture here. Interpreting scripture can be very tricky. As we all know, since liberals alwaysget it wrong.
So let’s start with Jesus. It might surprise you that I’m saying this, but Jesus would not carry a gun!
Why not, you ask? Not because he was some kind of sissy… but because Jesus was God and God doesn’t need guns! God uses lightening bolts, heart attacks, and hurricanes to wipe out sinners.
Why would Jesus carry a gun when he can flood the whole planet and “destroy every man whom [he has] created from the face of the earth” (Genesis 6:7)? Or when he can “rain down burning sulfur” like he did on the Homosexuals of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19:4-5)? Or even when he can transform wicked women into pillars of salt, like with Lot’s heathen wife (Genesis 19:26).
So Jesus wouldn’t carry a gun… but that doesn’t mean youshouldn’t!
Now, some liberals will take quotes out of context from scripture to try to claim that Jesus was non-violent. But obviously they are just cherry-picking. Even worse: they are cherry-picking the wrong things. So let me show you which passages you shouldcherry-pick instead:
“And David said to his men, ‘Every man strap on his sword!’ And every man of them strapped on his sword. David also strapped on his sword. And about four hundred men went up after David, while two hundred remained with the baggage.” –1 Samuel 25:13
“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name… Thy right hand, O LORD, is become glorious in power: thy right hand, O LORD, hath dashed in pieces the enemy.” –Exodus 15:6
“Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle…” – Psalm 144:1
“Now hang on a minute!”some liberals might say, “That was the Old Testament! What did Jesus ever say about packing heat?”
As it turns out, Jesus does want us to open-carry, and said so right in scripture. All it takes is applying the right kind of interpretation to the literal word of God.
For example, take the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the poor,” he said. But how could the poor ever be blessed when they’re just a bunch of lazy, government sucking, welfare queens? If they have guns, they are demonstrating for all to see that they are working hard to uphold their constitutional commitments! This directly honors God, since God wrote the constitution.
So obviously, when Jesus says “Blessed are the poor,” He is advocating open carry. It’s right there in the Bible.
Another example: “Blessed are the peacemakers…” also appears in the Sermon on the Mount. But how can we keep peace in our families and our churches without guns? To quote Reverend Pat Robertson, “Violent attacks and even deaths on church property occur far more often than people realize…The good news: you can protect yourself. What are you going to do? You going to give church members AK-47s at the door to let them blow away those intruders?”
So when Jesus says “Blessed are the peacemakers,” He is saying you should pack heat. It’s right there in the Bible.
At this point, liberals usually whine something about “loving your enemies,” but once again this is a liberal misinterpretation of scripture. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis explained, “Does loving your enemy mean not punishing him? No, for loving myself does not mean that I ought not to subject myself to punishment — even to death.”
Obviously, when Jesus said “love your enemies” he meant you should kick their asses and shoot them in the face… but, you know, in a loving way.
Embrace your gun. Show off your gun. Love your gun. Liberals might call you a “gun-toting, open-carry nutjob” … but to me, that’s just another word for “Christian”!
It’s all right there, in the Bible. Piece be with you,
The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.
Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.
This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.
Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.
While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.
“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani
“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)
“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association
Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.
Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.
Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”
Or “government by the people.”
Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a realconservative savior.
So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.
With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?
It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!