Is Bowe Bergdahl literally the worst being that ever existed?

So far, Fox News and conservative social media have taught us that Bowe Bergdahl questioned the mission in Afghanistan, went AWOL, could have been a traitor, and might possibly have even been a jihadist! Every single day, the news just gets worse.

But what if this only scratches the surface of what a terrible force of evil Bowe Bergdahl is to the world? I have not yet heard anyone ask if Bowe Bergdahl’s soul is being returned to the United States intact. He could have produced a horcrux while he was being held prisoner in the middle east. That would make him like the dark lord Voldemort, but worse… because Bergdahl speaks Pashto (the language of terrorists) and at least Voldemort spoke English.

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Is Bergdahl worse than Voldemort?

Some people say that Bowe Bergdahl is personally responsible for six deaths that resulted from a search mission to find him after he went missing. But can you imagine if he is actually responsible for all of the 6,000+ deaths of U.S. servicemen and women since the War on Terror began? What if Bowe Bergdahl was actually a murderous despot working in secret within the military? These questions must be asked.

Anything is possible in a world where a Kenyan atheist Muslim can elect himself President twice despite the fact that REAL Americans did not vote him in. Vlad the Impaler tops several online lists for being the most evil person in history; maybe we should consider bumping him down to number two?

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Is Bergdahl worse than Vlad The Impaler?

Now I’m going to say what everybody is thinking:

What if Barack Hussein Obama traded five terrorists and endangered America because Bowe Bergdahl was his HOMOSEXUAL LOVER?

It would not be the first time something like that happened; Abraham Lincoln made Southern farmers fire all their employees after the Civil War because he was totally into dudes. Some people say. So I heard. I’m a reporter, it’s my responsibility to report on everything that some people say. It’s my job to ask the tough questions.

So here’s the real tough question: Is Bowe Bergdahl literally the worst being that ever existed?

I’m just asking the question, like a responsible reporter. But I can say this: I have seen no conclusive evidence that he’s not the worst being that ever existed.

“But what about Cthulhu, Zach?” you might ask.

Until Obama tries to rescue Cthulhu from the lost city of R’lyeh by sending five Muslim terrorists there, Bergdahl’s worse.

FACT.

Is Bergdahl worse than Cthulhu?

This Congressional map proves Benghazi was NOT caused by a video!

Benghazi was completely different from all of the other protests caused by a video. It was caused by Obama's incompetence

This graph has been taken straight from the Congressional report “Recent Protests in Muslim Countries: Background and Issues for Congress” (PDF). It proves beyond any doubt that Benghazi is completely different from the dozens of other protests going on throughout the Middle East at the same time, all in protest to an American video, but the one that happened in Benghazi is totally and completely different and anyone who ever thought otherwise was obviously lying and deluded and stupid and OMGWTF.

All of this is very important because Deputy National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes sent an email September 14, 2012 to some people that said, “Hey I think maybe this Benghazi thing was in response to an anti-Muslim video.”  This is a COMPLETE OUTRAGE AND SCANDAL and also an OBVIOUS LIE! and PROOF OF A COVER-UP.

The argument is as follows:

1) I do not believe Benghazi was caused by a video because you have not proven it to me.

2) You then told someone to tell people that it was caused by a video

3) Therefore you are lying and covering up the truth

This is all very simple.

Now, somebody might ask how I know FOR SURE that it was stupid and ridiculous to think that Benghazi was caused by an Islamic video?

Well, that’s why I colored the dot on the map blue, people. Just to make that clear.

Try to keep up.

Jeez.

Use your brain, morans.

QUIZ: Fatwa or Tea Party Law?


The crazy liberal nut jobs are after us Republicans again! They’re now saying that the religious right and Muslim religious extremists are mirror images of one another. How dare they!? We all know it’s liberals like Barack Hussein Obama who are in the Muslim brotherhood!

So, to prove how different conservative Christians are from conservative Muslims, just take the following quiz. The results will speak for themselves!

Take the quiz!

1. It is illegal to base laws on science

2. The Sun revolves around the Earth

3. Girls are not allowed to dress like boys.

4. Rape is sometimes both legal and encouraged.

5. Stealing is not illegal if you are stealing from those beneath you.

6. Mickey Mouse is evil.

7. Anyone able to work should work, regardless of age.

8. If a policeman comes into your home, you may shoot him.