Conservatives! Gird up your loins. We’ve reached Defcon 1 and that sound you hear is Ronald Reagan’s legacy dying! But with your help we can turn this ship around before it runs aground on the rocks of public health and fiscal sanity.
Recently, the liberal media has been cranking out positive Obamacare news items… and if this keeps up, it could be a disastrous November. Now, if you think I’m over-reacting, you haven’t fully considered how the success of Obamacare undermines the central tenet of conservatism: government ruins everything.
Think back to last December, when the healthcare.gov website was a shambles, we could pretend that young people would never sign up, and that insurance companies would go out of business or double their premiums. Obamacare was going to mean the end of the world as we know it… and it felt great!
But now, the liberally-bias media is feeding us brazenly deceptive facts like these:
…and worst of all…
the cost of health care for everyone is rising slower than at any time in 50 years and slower than GDP
I’ll be honest, guys… it looks bleak.
But do not fear!
We at LiberalBias.com have composed a list of things you can do to serve this country, and turn the news around!
How To Help Republicans Save Face:
Get fired from your full-time job with benefits! It’s important that we report that Obamacare has caused massive unemployment which is getting harder now that unemployment is below 6%. So, sexually harass a coworker, embezzle sloppily, “accidentally” copy customers on insulting emails or keep a vial of cocaine on your key chain. This is a two-fer since unemployment goes up and so does the number of uninsured.
Get sick or injured! Think of it as a denial of service attack on the health care system. You know, like those anonymous guys do. If insurance companies see a sudden rise in injuries and illnesses, they’ll be forced to adjust premiums upward. Go rock-climbing with no safety lines. Ride without a helmet. Drink unfiltered water in Thailand. But remember, the cause needs your vote so steer clear of Ebola, HIV, drunk driving, being Black in St. Louis and other similarly deadly pursuits. You can vote from the hospital, but not from the morgue.
Move to a state without Medicaid expansion! Especially if you’ve done one or more of the above, this is liable to really ratchet up the urgency since refusal to expand Medicaid will likely cause 7,000-17,000 preventable deaths this year. Try to fine-tune your income so that you’re just above the federal Medicaid threshold, but below the income required to find coverage on the exchanges, otherwise you’ll end up with health care coverage.
Sell your Cigna stock! This is a tricky tightrope to walk. On the one hand, we need to prop up the story that insurance companies are collapsing under the mandate to insure the uninsurable. On the other hand, it’s equally important to paint the ACA as a “giveaway” to insurance company fat-cats, which would be, um, a bad thing <wink>. On balance, I think we need to make sure to stick to the conservative message that government does everything inefficiently, unfairly and in all other ways badly. We can’t have word getting out that government meddling has improved the market for health care.
So there you go! This should keep you patriots busy through the midterms. Next to suppressing the vote and inventing bad Obamacare news, creating bad Obamacare news is the most important thing you can do for your country this election season.
Don’t you care about America!?