A compassionate, loving Biblical solution to all those dirty illegals

Today’s letter comes from man who is concerned that we have a president who has busted our borders wide open, and let in a flood of illegal immigrants.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

As a born again faithful believer in Jesus Christ our Lord, I’m worried about the illegal immigration problem. I don’t think we can have all of these Mexican illegals stealing our jobs and sucking our economy dry. But just throwing them out seems un-Christian, too.
Our immigration system is obviously broken, and needs to be changed. Is there a BIBLICAL solution to all of this?


Friend Victor,

Much like the Earth orbits the Sun, every nation on our globe orbits America. Our Founding Fathers weren’t kidding when they said, “One Nation under GOD” because America truly is under God’s supreme rule! Our great country is God’s Kingdom here on Earth, and we need no further proof than the simple words of Jesus: “The Kingdom of God is here” (Luke 17:21)

The Bible also says, “Ye must be born again to enter the Kingdom of God” (John 3:7). And I don’t think this was meant metaphorically. I think God is giving us very specific instructions on how we should be letting people into this country.

New birth is the answer. New birth is required for anyone to enter into God’s country, a.k.a. the United States. Therefore the Biblical solution to immigration is obviously to replace our current long and tedious “naturalization process” with… Birthing Centers!

The Christian solution to immigration is to make sure foreigners are re-born as Christians.
A possible view of a Christian way to enter this country: RE-BIRTHING CENTERS!

When dirty, disease-ridden foreigners go through a Birthing Center:

A) They will be cleansed with Holy Water to help purify their dark and wasted souls. Holy Water is scientifically proven to cleanse dead-beat Mexicans into hard-working Americans.

B) They will be forced to memorize the entire King James Bible — including the table of contents and editors preface. Memorizing God’s Word is the only proven method to wash the sinful Spanish language away, replacing it with the only one that matters to God: ENGLISH!

C) They will be tested in a scientific and theologically correct way, by measuring their natural reaction to hearing the word “socialist”. If they vomit everywhere upon hearing it, they truly have been born again and are welcome into God’s American Kingdom! No vomit, no entry.


I think this plan even has potential to get bi-partisan support. After all, when we reject foreigners from a birthing center, preventing them from being re-born as an American, it won’t be “deporting” them….. it will be “aborting” their American re-birth!

And we all know how much liberals love abortions!!!

With gracious joy,
Pastor Gregory

Michael Savage identifies three reasons to impeach Obama, and we have data to back it up!

Michael Savage is a guy with a radio show. He’s a true-blue conservative. He spent a full three hours on his show yesterday on the question: “Should Obama be impeached?” He came out with a very strong answer of yes, and he gave several very specific reasons why Obama should be impeached.

I was impressed. However, I felt sorry for Mister Savage because, being on a radio show, he couldn’t show data to back up and prove the points he was making.

So I have decided to do it for him here. I’m going to go through his list of things that Obama has done, according to Michael Savage, that are so terrible… so disastrous… so downright evil… that they merit bringing articles of impeachment against him.

Here we go.

“We have an out of control president who has plotted to break our borders down… If China took over this country, it could not do more harm to this country than [Obama] has done already. I stand by those words. They couldn’t have done it as fast as he’s done it. And that’s because of white guilt… So now he’s busted our borders wide open… without borders, there is no nation.”

This is true: illegal immigration is worse than ever before, and has gotten dramatically worse under Obama. Before Obama came around, illegal immigration was a minor problem, but Obama has just given up on enforcing the borders, and is letting people just come in willy-nilly. You can tell from these graphs:


Deportations by Fiscal yearObviously you can see the dramatic change in immigration policy when Obama became president.

“The rockets are flying into Israel. Thank God the iron dome system that was given to Israel by the U.S., before we had a communist revolution, the iron dome system shot down all of the rockets fired by the Islamists, and Israel has countered with airstrikes against the Gaza strip, killing some of the vermin… The world is in pieces now. The most incompetent, duplicitous administration this country has ever seen, and I pray to God we can survive him, has wrecked the entire world.”

This is also true: There was never any conflict in the middle east before Obama was president. Certainly, the number of attacks on Israel has skyrocketed  since Obama took office, because Palestinians are emboldened by the fact that he’s a secret Muslim. Here is the data that proves it:

Terrorism against Israel has skyrocketed since Obama took office.

As you can see, from 2009 t0 2012, there has been an EXPLOSION of attacks on Israel that were clearly caused by Obama’s foreign policy.

“I predicted he would break the borders. And I’ll make another prediction, he’s going to go for your guns next. I make the prediction that he will go for the second amendment next. He’s gonna go for broke. He’s going to go to the wall on every last agenda item in the Communist manifesto. The Communist Party USA has disappeared, has gone underground and has come back up inside the Obama administration…. this is their agenda. Disarm the citizenry and then you can manipulate them any way you want.”

This is something that every gun owner in the United States knows to be true. But can we prove it with data? Well, of course we can’t prove a prediction until it happens.

But as one final dire warning, I can leave you with this very dramatic, very striking graph that should send chills down your spine:

Obama wants to come after your guns and here is proof

GOP: “We don’t have to care about minorities, if we don’t want to!”

The following series of charts are from an in-depth study by Sean Trende designed to reassure conservatives that they can safely be racist assholes for many years to come, if they want to.

Trende’s three part analysis can be read in full: here, here, and here. But in case you don’t care that much, here is the quick summary:

  • “Racial Polarization Scenario”: Trende starts with a “baseline” scenario that he considers a “worst case” scenario for Republicans: minorities continue to reproduce, continue to vote, and continue to vote overwhelmingly for Democrats. Even in this situation, Trende shows that Republicans won’t become completely obsolete until 2044. WHEW!!!!!
  • “Modest Nonwhite Gains Scenario”: Trende then points out that if Republicans could simply do “some outreach” to minorities, they might pull off something amazing like getting 40% of Hispanics and Asians to vote for them! Never mind that this has never happened, ever. Never mind that the 40% number is completely arbitrary. It’s must be possible with “some outreach”, right? Of course, this aforementioned “outreach” would presumably not include publicizing 10-page long research essays focused entirely on why it’s OK for Republicans to not pay that much attention to minorities.
  • “Modest Nonwhite Gains / Slower Population Growth“: Then, Trende paints an even rosier picture: Suppose those pesky Hispanics stop reproducing so quickly! He makes this argument very plausible by writing the following very compelling sentence: “It seems at least somewhat inevitable that Hispanic population growth will slow somewhat.”  Well, that kind of reasoning should clearly be built into a mathematical model, by making up completely arbitrary numbers that “seem fine”, and this third table is the result: Republicans just keep on winning elections and drive the Democrat party to extinction! Partayyy!!!!
  • “The Full Rubio”: This last scenario is really the “last resort” scenario for Trende and the Republicans.  This is the “WHAT IF WE ACTUALLY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT MINORITIES???” scenario. According to Trende, if Republicans back immigration reform and a “Hispanic friendly” candidate (whatever that means), and if Hispanics also stop reproducing so gosh-darn much, then Republicans will do even better.  The best part of this graph is that Trende assumes that a full-on Latin-Loverboy Republican candidate will tick up Hispanic support for the Republican Party by 5% by 2048, whereas it will only depress White support fort he Republican Party by 3%.  Where do these numbers come from? Absolutely nowhere!!  And I will admit, they seem a little off. Is this underestimating the strength of xenophobia in the Republican base? Or, it is just assuming that most of today’s “Republican Base” might actually have died of old age by then?  It’s difficult to tell.
  • “The evolution of white and nonwhite races”: To be fair, this graph was not actually included in Sean Trende’s article. But it seems appropriate here. This is a chart published in 1939 by a researcher obsessed with racial differences and racial purity. It just seemed very natural to include this graph in a discussion of a 10+ page scholarly article that is focused entirely on justifying why it’s actually just fine for white people to ignore non-white people, if they really want to. That seems like a perfectly legitimate research angle for a party that wants to be taken seriously.


Nothing screams “priorities” or “efficiency” to the American people than spending all of your energy and intellectual efforts on proving that it isn’t “that bad” to continue not caring about people who aren’t white.


Deportations have a liberal bias!

Liberal Deportations

Everyone knows that Obama’s liberal policies have destroyed border-security and made the illegal immigration problem in this country worse than it has ever been before. He is weak on immigrants, and letting illegal immigrant crime run rampant.

So how is it that this graph shows that deportation of illegal immigrants has actually increased each year under the Obama administration? How is it possible that Obama’s record on the deportation of illegals is better than George Bush’s?

Obviously, these deportation statistics are nothing more than liberally biased propaganda designed to cover up what a huge weak failure Obama has been on the issue of border security.

Any graph that does not highlight Obama’s failures on security are nothing more than liberal bias!!!!!

source: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, 2010 Yearbook of Immigration Statistics.

via: PewHispanic.org