The Biblical solution to gay anal pig demons

Today’s letter is about a very important topic that I’ve talked about before in my video program: demons. But this time we have a more specific problem to address: gay anal pig demons.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I have been trying to convert my next-door neighbor for 15 years now. She is a staunch atheist and under the illusion that her lesbianism is not a mental illness. Whenever I visit her home it smells like a thousand dyeing bodies rotting away under the moldy brown carpet. I understand that lesbians like a laid back lifestyle, no bras, and hairy armpits – but why do they also smell so bad?

Sincerely,

Ramona

Ramona,

It’s time for Christians to stop watering down the truth. You have heard many of our fine religious leaders, like Gordon Klingemschmitt, Republican candidate for the Colorado House of Representatives, tell you that gay people are possessed by demons… but this is only a half truth.

The full truth is: HOMOSEXUALS ACTUALLY ARE DEMONS!

My brother in Christ Bert Farias blogged about this very subject just last week in his Charisma News Column, inexplicably called The Flaming Herald.  Yes, that is actually what it is called.  No, nobody knows why. Here is their banner:

The Flaming Gay Herald

Here’s the raw, naked truth” pastor Bert Farias said, with apparently no concept of how gay that phrase sounds, “Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid-smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right: Being gay is demonic.”

In the loving spirit of Jesus, Brother Bert also reminds us that “Pigs have more sense than” anal-sex loving homosexuals. The demons smelled so bad that even the pigs were willing to drown themselves than be possessed with those smelly sinful spirits! Here is the exact quote from Farias:

“There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. Some people embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

So there you have it Romana! The loving voice of Jesus is telling you what to do.

Don’t be-friend her. Don’t try to save her soul. She is a demon. Pack your bags and run…. even if that means killing yourself by running down a hill and drowning in the water to get away from her.

It’s the biblical thing to do.

Pastor Gregory

Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God's warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.
Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God’s warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.

Sin, yelling, and Game of Thrones: a guide for Modern Christians

The modern world has so much sin in it: from same-sex couples who love each other and want to get married, to women wanting equal pay, to shows like Game of Thrones. How are good Christians supposed to deal?

Pastor Gregory responds to a letter from one of our viewers, explaining that all of the terrible sin in the modern world is just a test from God. It is part of God’s plan. You see, God wants to make sure that you don’t get taken in by the seemingly harmless nature of nice polite gay people, women asking for “equal rights”, or boobies and swear words on the television set.

When the world confronts you with these sinful things, you as a Christian must speak up. No, don’t just speak up: YELL!  YELL REALLY REALLY LOUD!!!!

“If you are a good Christian,” explains Pastor Gregory, “You should always be yelling.”

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Christian and Answer with Pastor Gregory.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgkT943lEmU

YOUTUBE GAY TEST: How to tell if someone is gay on Youtube

Can Fox News psychologist Robi Ludwig REALLY tell if someone is gay just by looking at a couple of Youtube videos? That’s certainly what she implied when she appeared on Fox News last. But is it really true? Is there some kind of “Youtube Gay Test”?

To answer this question, Pastor Gregory has spent hour and hours and HOURS watching The Gays on Youtube, and he has discovered a pattern! Yes, there is something that ALL GAY PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE DO, and therefore is an inescapable, fool-proof GAY TEST!

However, when using this test, you might be surprised to find out who on Fox News is also gay.

You can learn the secret, too, just by watching this video:

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Christian and Answer with Pastor Gregory.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKR4tWVCyEo

How to make sure the sight of Gay Football Kisses don’t send you to hell

It’s that time of the week again! Time for me to answer a new question that I have received from a member of my dear beloved flock.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I wanted to call but I couldn’t get through yesterday, my name is Charlie and I’m 18 years old from Birmingham, AL. I love your program and watch it regularly – so it was no surprise that when I was praying the other night, God told me to call you for advice. I’m new to this whole Christian thing but I’ve got the basics down, vote Republican and read the Bible literally.

But I still have a lot of questions. My dad and I were watching the NFL draft and when the St. Louis Rams picked up Michael Sam, he made out with his boyfriend!! Ever since then I have been unable to get this image out of my head. Every time I hang out with my guy friends, I visualize Michael Sam kissing them. What should I do?

Thanks Rev,
Charlie!

Hi Charlie. First, let me say how thrilled and proud I am to know that you’ve taken Christ into you heart. As you say, you seem to know “the basics”.

All this homosexual behavior can be a bit overwhelming – I personally understand this struggle all too well and have come close to dying because of it!

Since professional soccer player Robbie Rogers hit the field as the first openly “gay” male athlete, many have followed; like NBA player Jason Collins and 1st WBNA drafted player Brittney Griner. As my dear friend and televangelists Jesse Lee Peterson suggests, the liberal media parades these wicked sinners around, never highlighting the fabulous work of Christians who hold “pro-traditional marriage and pro-life views.”

When these demonic images color our TV screens, they have the ability to infest our minds with their left-wing-pro-gay agenda. Like a disease, the revolting message takes control of your brain playing tricks on your eyes… if you’re not careful, it can end up making everyone look gay!!

The Bible’s solution is in Matthew 5:29 where Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.”

I’m afraid you will have to muster your courage, and gouge out your own eyes. It’s the only truly Biblical answer. If you do not, then you will burn in hell consciously for eternity to suffer the penalty of your sinful thoughts.

Now, before you freak out, there may be another way to stop sinful images from entering your brain. I would suggest you completely stop watching liberal news and liberal television. That includes demonic liberal enclaves like MSNBC and Fox News, of course. But it also means you have to stop watching all football games. To once again echo the words of Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, “If you’re still spending money on games, souvenirs and supporting the NFL brand and you call yourself a Christian, you’re a liar and the truth is not in you!”

The safest thing, of course, is to simply stop watching television altogether, because no matter what channel you are on, something might happen that forces you to pluck out your own eyeballs.

The Barack Gaybama-agenda is destroying the family by causing Christians to Biblically kill each other because of the evil lusts caused by sweaty muscle men running around playing with an oversized ball kissing each other! The best solution is to shut yourself in, and protect your eyes from seeing anything that might upset you.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Much love,

Pastor Gregory

Sinful NFL gay kiss of Michael Sam

The Arizona Bible, and the 5 Commandments of Cake

The 5 Commandments of Cake

The single most important issue in Arizona politics today is cake. Christians want to be allowed to follow their deeply-held beliefs about who gets cake, and who does not get cake.

They have told the world that giving cake to homosexuals is AGAINST THEIR RELIGION. It is against the Bible, and against the teachings of Jesus. If you force them to sell cake to homosexuals then you are forcing them to go against the most deeply-held beliefs of their Christianity!

But is it really true?

As it happens, the Bible only mentions “cake” three times, and it is in the context of David giving cakes of dates and raisins to people (1 Samuel 30:12, 2 Samuel 6:19, and 1 Chronicles 16:3). These were not wedding cakes. I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to make a wedding cake out of dates and raisins, but I’m pretty sure those customers would not be happy.

So the Bible doesn’t literally say that Christians can’t sell cakes to homosexuals. In fact, the Bible doesn’t actually forbid Christians from engaging in any types of economic transactions with homosexuals.

Moreover, Jesus was known for giving stuff, including baked goods, away for free to large numbers of people. Often to sinners.

So according to most Biblical scholarship, there is nothing in Christian belief that forbids Christians from selling cake to homosexuals.

So where do Arizona Christians get this idea from?

Apparently, the Arizona Christian Bible is different. In Arizona, they know God better than God knows himself.

It’s possible that in Arizona, the Bible says that they are not allowed to sell bread to black people.  Maybe soon we will find out that Arizona Christians are morally obligated to not sell croissants to Jews.

What’s to stop them? In Arizona, apparently they are just so darned Christian that they can make shit up, and call any feeling they have a “deeply held Christian belief” that they want the rest of the world to respect.

So, in the spirit of the very special Arizona Bible, which has nothing to do with actual Christianity, we present to you:

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF CAKE! 
(from the Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition)

The 5 Commandments of Cake
Excerpt from the official Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition, followed by all Good Arizona Christians.

 

Is there a war on masculinity? Yes, but not the one you think.

If you have been watching Fox News lately (which I don’t, because they’re too liberal), you may have heard something about a war on masculinity. Fox News contributor Brit Hume, a true American patriot if I’ve ever seen one on television, received undeserved flak this week for shedding light on the dangers of being a straight white man.

“Men today have learned the lesson the hard way that if you act like kind of an old-fashioned guy’s guy, you’re in constant danger of slipping out and saying something that’s going to get you in trouble and make you look like a sexist or make you look like you seem thuggish or whatever. That’s the atmosphere in which he operates. This guy is very much an old-fashioned, masculine, muscular guy, and there are political risks associated with that. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but that’s how it is.”

Hume is absolutely right. There is no group that has been discriminated against and unfairly treated more than the masculine male. We should be treated as a protected class and ensured the same rights and protections as everyone else, mainly women and minorities who get all the wealth and power handed to them.

However, while Fox’s heart may be in the right place on this issue, they have got it wrong. Fox News thinks that feminists have turned men into wussies. But that is not the case at all. They have done something much more sinister: they have made masculinity gay!

After decades of feminism, the muscular masculine male is more idolized than ever! Even the most muscular men can never be good enough. More and more young men are getting into bodybuilding, sports, and steroid use. More and more young men are developing eating disorders in their quest to look “ripped”. Far from turning men into skinny, limp-wristed effeminate creatures… after decades of feminism, young men are now more obsessed with masculinity than ever before!

The popular bodybuilders' meme "You mirin brah?" is an attempt to make men checking out men really, really, really masculine-sounding.
The popular bodybuilders’ meme “You mirin brah?” is an attempt to make men checking out men really, really, really, really masculine-sounding. But let’s face it: nothing sounds gayer than “You mirin’ brah?”… except possibly when someone says “no homo”. That’s pretty gay, too.

Masculine young men are, in fact, so obsessed with musculature and masculinity that they idolize men who are better looking than themselves. This obsession simulates the same neurological response as attraction… thus making all men who aspire to be masculine feel urges and feelings that are not completely unlike homosexual urges!

This is the real devious scheme of the liberal left! Instead of the “Fox News” scenario of changing straight men into wimpy guys… liberals have pressured men to be so manly that they turn homosexual!

How do I know this? Well, for the first twenty years of my life, I never felt any desire to go to the gym because I assumed that being a brilliant genius and bonafide conservative hero should have been enough to allow me to have (post-marital) sex with lots of blonde women, as God intended.

But now, on the eve of my 21st birthday, I have only held hands nine times with four women. To fix this, I’ve been at the gym four days a week, looking at the bulging biceps of the sweaty men next to me, fantasizing about being them.

About being them… which is a completely normal conservative Christian heterosexual NORMAL thing to fantasize about! Then one day, one of them asked if I wanted to “fool around” in the shower room, because he thought I “was clearly checking him out.”

So it’s official: liberal feminists have turned masculinity into “a gay thing”. You want proof? Just look what working out and being tanned and fit did to poor Republican Congressman Aaron Schock.

The inherent contradiction between traditional images of “masculinity” and today’s images of “being gay” is enough to give any normal, right-minded conservative a nervous break-down! It’s hard enough to keep our nice, neat divisions between “right” and “wrong”, “man” and “woman”, and “gay” and “straight” without confusing images like this to muddle things up:

Traditional conservatives love traditional masculinity: muscles, body and facial hair, tattoos.... but now liberals have corrupted that because these people are clearly homosexual OMG LIFE IS SO CONFUSING FOR TRADITIONAL CONSERVATIVES *SOB* [photo courtesy of Noise Magazine]
Traditional conservatives love traditional masculinity: muscles, body and facial hair, tattoos…. but now liberals have corrupted that because these people are clearly homosexual OMG LIFE IS SO CONFUSING *SOB* It’s difficult being a conservative. [photo courtesy of Noize Magazine]

So in conclusion, there is only one thing us real American patriotic men can do to combat this: be fat, lazy, and stupid.

BE FAT LAZY AND STUPID, like our traditional conservative heroes, so that you don’t accidentally turn gay.

It’s the only way to fight liberal feminism.

FACTCHECK: Did Phil Robertson quote scripture?

Now that the dust has settled on the Duck Dynasty debacle, everyone has had a chance to take a deep breath and relax in the knowledge that nothing has really changed. It is worth examining one of the keystone claims under debate about the clash between Phil Robertson and A&E:

Was Phil Robertson suspended from A&E (temporarily) for quoting scripture?

The left, of course, claims that he was not. They claim that he was suspended (temporarily) for being crass, rude, insulting and offensive.

The right, on the other hand, claims that he was suspended (temporarily) for merely uttering the words of the Lord Almighty as transcribed in the Holy Bible (Amen).

Unfortunately, all that A&E said was that he was suspended for “offensive remarks”, without precisely spelling out which words were at issue. So we are left with something of a scavenger hunt: were any of the “offensive” things that Phil said actually Bible Verse?

Let us examine his actual words.

QUOTE:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying?”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Despite performing a large number of searches for different combinations of key phrases such as “there’s more there!” and “know what I’m saying?” and “anus”, nothing even remotely like this seems to be in the Bible. Which is a shame, because more people would probably read the Bible if it talked more about the relative merits of anus and vagina.

Anus in the Bible

QUOTE:

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”

VERDICT

Probably not a Bible Verse. Although the last part does bear some similarity to the lyrics of the 1990’s dance song “Girls and Boys” by Blur. Someone should check into that. Otherwise, the Bible doesn’t discuss very many things using the term “morph out from there”.

 

QUOTE:

“From the beginning Jesus said, ‘It is a man and a woman.’ Adam was made and Eve was made for this reason. They left their fathers and mothers and be united to become one flesh, that’s what marriage is all about.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! This is very nearly Matthew 19:4-5, in which Jesus says: “Don’t you know that in the beginning the Creator made a man and a woman? That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife.”

Awesome. However, the problem is that this was Jesus answering the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3, who asked, “Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

So this quote is about the terrible sinfulness of divorce. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. Or at least: it didn’t when Jesus said it.

 

QUOTE:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.”

VERDICT

ALMOST A BIBLE VERSE! The quote that he was aiming for here was 1 Corinthians 6:9-10. Unfortunately, this is a fairly tricky verse to deal with, because of the many different ways that it has been translated.

Let’s look at just a few examples of the key homo passage in 1 Corinthians 6:9.

New International Version
Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men

New Living Translation

Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,

World English Bible
Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals,

English Standard Version
Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,

NET Bible

Do not be deceived! The sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, passive homosexual partners, practicing homosexuals,

Jubilee Bible 2000

Do not err: neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor effeminate nor homosexuals

King James Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

King James 2000 Bible
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

American King James Version
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

Weymouth New Testament

Cherish no delusion here. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor any who are guilty of unnatural crime,

Young’s Literal Translation
be not led astray; neither whoremongers, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor sodomites,

Douay-Rheims Bible
Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers,

 


 

We can see immediately that there are some problems with the “inerrant word of the Lord” when we compare these side-by-side. Although the word “homosexual” appears in one form or another in most of these translations, it does not appear in all of them and it does not appear in any of the versions of the very famous “King James” translation.

Should we really assume that certain slangy phrases, like “abusers of themselves with mankind”, really do refer to homosexualism? Even if we do assume that, the last several translations on the list do not mention homosex at all in any form.

Some people argue that Young’s Literal Translation includes homosexuality in “sodomites”, but this is technically incorrect: “sodomy” simply refers to any act that is not penis-to-vagina intercourse, and therefore a heterosexual man who likes getting blowjobs is “sodomite” and a celibate gay person is not.

(Side Note: You gotta love the NET Bible, which calls out a specific sexual position. Apparently being gay is bad, but if you’re the one getting boinked then it’s REALLY bad. You get extra special sin points for being the “bottom”, and even more so if you like show tunes and fashionable outfits, it seems.)

 


 

The Final Verdict: MEH… CLOSE ENOUGH

None of the things that Phil Robertson were actually Bible quotes, but to of them were kind of close and the other two were stuff that Jesus was probably thinking and just never got around to writing down.

So, we might as well just give this a “Politifact Mostly True” rating and call it a day.

Mostly Bullshit

BEWARE: Pope Francis supports equality, inclusion and social justice!

Pope selfie

The small hairs on the back of my neck stood tall as I began researching the new Papal leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis. It quickly became clear that he wasn’t who we expected – sadly the strong stench of his liberal religious bias is as potent as his socialist political agenda.

As an Orthodox Christian, I am a believer in dogmatic, unchanging, timeless-for-every-culture Truth. The Truth that comes with a capital T and bears the oppressive weight of unjust condemnation and liberal angst, the Truth that defines the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the same truth he said will “set us free” (John 8:31), is the Truth I believe Pope Francis desperately needs.

And the Truth is this: The Catholic Church not only has a liberal bias, they have a liberal leader. And as every faithful Christian knows, liberalism is a dead end – literally.

In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus says, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction…” (Matthew 7:13). To put it simply, “narrow” is Jesus’ way of saying “conservative” – we conservatives hold to a strict, definitive, and narrow Truth. In our opposition we see a liberal, inclusive, all-loving, and welcoming faith – one that leads to, as Jesus says, destruction. Pope Francis is paving the road for the Catholic Church, and with great sadness it’s not the “narrow road” Jesus sought to build.

No homo?

Pope FrancisThe first brick in this broad path of eternal conscious torment was with the Pope’s dismissal of Biblical Truth and love of sexual diversity. “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will,” Pope Francis says, “who am I to judge?

Truth-wielding, Bible-believing Christians have been given the authority to judge one another on the basis of God’s Word.

And we can tell you: this gay-agenda is not in the Bible.

It may be true that Jesus says nothing about homosexuality… but we do know Jesus was one of the most judgmental figures in the New Testament.

And even though the Old Testament passages about homosexuality aren’t culturally relevant today, we look past that to the fact that they must be timeless examples of God’s morals.

No matter how healthy and loving relationships are between gays, we must stand by the Truth and say “You hedonistic sinners are wrong! WWJD!”

(“WWJD” isn’t actually in the Bible, either, but it should be.)

Do Not Touch The Heathens!

This strange path Pope Francis began building with the gays has continued with his acceptance of people of non-Christian religious cults. That is to say, Pope Francis dines with the demonic. In a recent trip to Brazil for “World Youth Day” Francis had his feet washed by a Serbian Muslim woman and made the tragic claim that God redeems “even the atheists.”

Once again we must remind Francis that God does not redeem Muslims or any other demonic worshiping person. God saves those who have accepted Jesus into their hearts, that is, those of us who have cognitively ascended to the correct doctrines.

Jesus was a capitalist

The tragedy continued when Pope Francis told a crowd at St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City, “I think about those who are unemployed often because of an economic conception of society that seeks egoistic profit regardless of social justice” — a statement that wreaks of Marxist liberalism and one that stands in stark contrast to the person and work of Jesus. Jesus’ message was about Truth, about God’s Wrath and the forgiveness found in Jesus, NOT about Communism!

In the words of Glenn Beck, “I beg you, look for the words ‘social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes!”

“Selfie” = “Satan”

Pope selfieAnd finally, Pope Francis has officially lost all credibility. He has chosen to follow the teeny-bopping-sexually-driven culture and has taken a “selfie.” Jesus repeatedly taught that we are “not of this world” but that we are to live in the world as a light to the world. Degrading oneself to the slimy pit of cultural teenage vanity stands in stark contrast to the Truth of Jesus. It’s frightening that in Francis’ public life the influence of Miley Cyrus and her VMA sex-performance is stronger than Jesus Christ.

Pope Francis undeniably promotes the inclusion of non-hetero sexualities, he believes in an all-loving God that pursues people of all religions, he promotes the atrocity of social justice, and has fallen under the Devil’s cultural selfie conundrum. He’s using his global platform to encourage the same liberal agenda that seeks to dismantle the strict, literal and dogmatic revelatory Truth we as Christians know from the Word of God.

Pope Francis has an undeniable liberal bias!!!

Top 10 Liberally Biased Movies of 2012

Big Gay Mike Warning

Emerson Collins, guest writer

Hollywood correspondent Emerson Collins sums up the most dangerous sources of liberal bias coming out of the Industrial-Entertainment Complex this year… as well as a few conservative successes!


10. Zero Dark Thirty

This liberal retelling of our patriots bringing down Osama Bin Laden makes it seem as though Obama and some lowly female CIA analyst just went out and found Bin Laden by themselves. Without the years of work by President George W. Bush, a true conservative, and the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security, President Hussein Obama would not have been able to do his figurehead duty and allow the Seals to get on with doing their job. This film does a tragic disservice to conservative America and the tireless work of the military-industrial complex.

9. Argo

Anyone familiar with the actual Iran Hostage Crisis will not recognize the story in this movie. Every conservative knows that it was conservative hero President Ronald Reagan’s inauguration that struck fear into Iran and ended the crisis.  But in this laughable telling of Jimmy Carter’s spineless handling of the crisis, there is no mention of that. Even worse, mediocre-at-best actor Ben Affleck seems determine to preach the lie that America needed Canada’s help to save those six Americans. CANADA!? As if. Everyone knows Canada never gets anything right.

In fact, if both Canada and Jimmy Carter had just let the military do their job, our citizens would have all been back a hell of a lot faster than 444 days.  Argo is a fiction. And a bad one.

8. The Sessions

This is a movie about sex therapy and surrogacy.  What more needs to be said, folks? The Bible tells us everything we need to know about sex.  If your parts don’t work, God doesn’t want you having sex. Period. Who are you to question God’s plan?

7. Bully

A “documentary” about bullying between adolescents.  This is a perfect example of liberal propaganda, as though learning to roll with the punches and defend oneself isn’t a part of the process of becoming a man.  If a boy doesn’t learn to stand up for himself at a young age, he’s never going to learn.  Calling a boy a “bully” just because he is ready to act like a man is starting to sound like some of that “hate speech” liberals are always going on about.  We should be teaching the others boys to stand up for themselves as well, so they don’t end up like the kids in this movie whining about how they cannot defend themselves.  Boys will be boys. If we don’t want to turn them all into girls, we just sometimes have to let them beat on each other.

6. Prometheus

So according to this movie, human beings are the result of an accidental DNA spill by a bunch of aliens somewhere across the universe? That’s not only stupid, but it goes against the Bible. Not that those atheist liberals would know about that.

Liberal Bias Lorax5. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

It is truly a tragic day when a beloved children’s author’s work is overtaken by a liberal agenda to preach doom and gloom about the environment again.  This liberal “cautionary tale” barely hides the fact that it loves trees more than people.  They should have just titled it “Greenpeace presents Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax and We Love Plants More Than People”.

4. Les Miserables

It’s a musical.  Enough said.

3. Magic Mike

Big Gay Mike WarningStephen Soderbergh, one of Hollywood’s most liberal “directors”, casts a bunch of male actors and writes a love letter to homosexuals. They did not even try to hide it in the marketing campaign and the costumes.  Oh sure, they’ll tell you it was for women. But that’s obviously a lie. It’s real mission is to turn good, God-fearing conservative men into homosexuals.

In fact, anybody who spends a lot of time thinking about how bad homosexuality is can easily tell that this movie is meant to stir evil homosexual erotic feelings in men. It was a big gay movie, and there is no way around it. If you are a conservative man who, quite naturally, spends a lot of time worrying about homosexuality, then just watch this movie again, and you’ll be certain. Watch it really, really closely.  You’ll be able to feel how disgusting and gay it is. There is no hiding it.

1. and 2. Lincoln

This movie is so obnoxiously liberal that it deserves both the first and second place. As we face the current fiscal cliff because liberals refuse to slash useless government programs, Lincoln is the worst liberal Hollywood moment of the year.  You might wonder how the fiscal cliff is related to Lincoln, but that is only because the liberally biased media is covering up this story. If Lincoln had not destroyed the entire economy of the South, we wouldn’t be facing this current fiscal cliff in the first place, because the power would be in the South where it belongs. That’s what the movie Lincoln should have been about, and what it would have been about if Hollywood wasn’t so immersed in liberal bias.

 


Conservative Success in Hollywood in 2012

Fortunately, there were two Hollywood films that managed to overcome the liberal bias in Hollywood, even if only for a moment a two. So, to end on a positive note, we should recognize those moments as well.

Django Unchained

Ignoring Jamie Foxx’s character’s uppity-ness for a moment, Samuel L. Jackson manages to demonstrate that many slaves were treated well, and were happy with being a productive part of the southern economy before Lincoln destroyed our nation.  Bravo, Mr. Tarantino.

Skyfall

James Bond is the perfect conservative example of a man of action willing to do what needs to be done.  Skyfall finally gets it right as Javier Bardem plays the most realistic villain ever in a Bond movie, mainly because he is a homosexual.  Any good conservative knows that as long as the homos are trying to ruin the foundation of families in America, they should always be portrayed as the villains they are.

 

The GOP’s secret gay sex party

Gay Sex Party.

Gay Sex Party.

This year, the Republican platform has been filled with uplifting conservative social messages about banning abortions, preventing the wrong people from getting married, and making sure that schools don’t force our children to ask to many questions. This theme was beautifully articulated at the 2012 Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, where the speakers were virtuous, inspiring, uplifting, and passionate. At least, that’s what the the people on Fox News keep telling us.

But I have some bad news for them.

If the Republican National Convention represents the future of the Republican party, then the future of the Republican Party is going to be filled with lots and lots of HOT GAY SEX.

That’s right! Apparently, there are some members of the GOP who are ready to pull up the anti-gay planks in the GOP platform and use them as paddles in their S&M sex games.

Grindr is a tool that gay people use to meet other gay people so that they can do dirty, filthy, homosexualist things to each other. No good, Christian, family-values conservative would ever be familiar with such a thing, right? Yet somehow, this graph shows that Grindr usage DOUBLED during the GOP convention.

What’s wrong with you stupid graph? Why are you making Republicans look like godless sluts???

 

Naturally, many theories are possible.

Some people might say that God is sending homosexuals to the convention to punish the GOP for not fully embracing the free market ideals of Ron Paul. Obviously, this argument has some merit.

Other people might say that the GOP’s anti-woman, anti-sex, anti-gay positions are just the kind of thing that closeted, self-hating gay people would gravitate to, while simultaneously acting out their repressed urges using Grindr. This seems slightly less plausible.

Still others might say, “Isn’t it possible that gay people come in all kinds of varieties, including both Republican and Democrat, and we shouldn’t read in to the fact that there are gay people at a GOP convention?” This, clearly, is total nonsense.

The most likely explanation is that a top-secret underground super-powerful group of homosexual activists has infiltrated the Republican National Convention and have decided to use Grindr to have lots and lots and lots of hot filthy sweaty man-sex just to make conservatives look ridiculous.

It’s the obvious explanation.

Or, it could be that they were just turned gay by Chick-Fil-A.

Either way, it’s important that the world know that the Republican National Convention, behind closed doors and with the lights turned off, is engaging in lots of dirty, hard, nasty, sinful liberal bias!!!!!

data source: Grindr

 

College education causes homosexual desire

Biased College EducationsLiberals deliberately misinterpret this map to advance their liberal agenda.

This graph shows that the counties that voted against Amendment One, the amendment to protect marriage from homosexuals, were also the counties in which more people had college educations.

If you ask a liberal what this graph means, they will concoct some kind of crazy theory, like this: going to college teaches people to use logic and reason, people who use logic and reason understand that there is no rational argument against gay marriage, and as a result people who went to college support gay marriage.

Or, they will invent some irrational fantasy explanation, like this: people who go to college are exposed to more diversity, people who are exposed to diversity become more empathic and understanding of social differences, and therefore people who went to college are more sympathetic to gay people and want to let them get married.

These are the arguments of a deranged, illogical liberal mind.

First of all, who decided that “diversity” and “open-mindedness” were good things, anyway? That sounds like the kind of thing they would indoctrinate people to believe in some kind of cult. When a liberal says that “open-mindedness” is a good thing, you should just say: “Is that what your liberal college professor overlords have indoctrinated you to think?”

Think about it this way: open-mindedness means a lack of conviction, and a lack of conviction comes from a lack of morals, and a lack of morals is what causes society to collapse. In other words, open-mindedness is what causes society to collapse.

Second of all, what is so “rational” about thinking that marriage between a man and a man should be viewed the same as a marriage between a man and a woman? That’s like saying that because women can give birth a man should be able to give birth, too. THAT’S RIGHT THE ARGUMENTS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.  And ridiculous. There is nothing logical about men giving birth.

If you are thinking with a clear and untainted mind, as I am, the obvious true explanation of this map is very simple and very logical: when students go to college they are put into to top-secret liberal indoctrination camps where they are taught to be homosexual and to desire gay marriage.

I mean think about it. What else could it be?