Halloween has been an issue for Christians for a long time, but Pastor Gregory has a solution: your children can celebrate Halloween without fear… all we have to do is make Halloween about Jesus Christ!
Luckily, Christians are really good at this kind of thing. They have been doing it for a long time. They took the Pagan December 25th Holiday Saturnalia and decided it REALLY is a celebration of the birth of Jesus! They took the Pagan spring festival, and decided it was REALLY about the resurrection of Jesus! So why not do the same thing for Halloween?
So for all you Christians who are saying, “How can I make it OK for my children to enjoy Halloween?” Pastor Gregory has an answer:
“What does the transfiguration of Jesus have to do with dressing up and October 31st? That’s the beautiful thing about Christian holidays… IT LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER!”
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Ronald Reagan gave a very famous speech at CPAC in 1974 in which he tells a story about the day the constitution was signed. He gave another variation of the same speech in 1981, in a speech called “What July 4th Means To Me”. This is an excerpt:
The myth goes that on July 4, 1776, while sequestered behind locked doors, the Continental Congress of the 13 British Colonies, our Founding Fathers, were in hot debate on whether or not to sign the Declaration of Independence and break from Great Britain. Most of the men feared for their lives and their family’s lives, for if they were to sign such a document, they would be traitors to the crown, and would almost certainly be put to death if found.
As these men were debating the issue, and leaning toward NOT signing, a mysterious man arises from out of nowhere. Citing the grievances that had brought them to this moment he said, ‘Sign that parchment. They may turn every tree into a gallows, every home into a grave and yet the words of that parchment can never die. For the mechanic in his workshop, they will be words of hope, to the slave in the mines—freedom.’ And he added, ‘If my hands were freezing in death, I would sign that parchment with my last ounce of strength. Sign, sign if the next moment the noose is around your neck, sign even if the hall is ringing with the sound of headman’s axe, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.’
And then it is said he fell back exhausted. But 56 delegates, swept by his eloquence, signed the Declaration of Independence, a document destined to be as immortal as any work of man can be. And according to the story, when they turned to thank him for his timely oratory, he could not be found nor were there any who knew who he was or how he had come in or gone out through the locked and guarded doors.
Now, of course, it’s all complete bullshit. The story is lifted and paraphrased from Washington and His Generals: or, Legends of the Revolution by George Lippard, published in 1847. But it is very plainly a fiction.
For one thing, independence was declared on July 2nd, the text of the Declaration was approved on July 4th, but the document wasn’t signed until August 2, 1776. Even on August 2, not everyone was available, so several people signed later, including Elbridge Gerry, Oliver Wolcott, Lewis Morris, Thomas McKean and Matthew Thornton.
In fact: There was never any mass signing. There was never any moment in time when every single signer of the Declaration of Independence was in the same room at the same time. The above story could not ever have taken place, and certainly did not take place on July 4th, 1776.
But this kind of attention to factual detail has never mattered to real American Patriots. What we like is a good story, right?
So, in honor of that tradition, and to celebrate July 4th 2014, we are please to present to you the revised, updated for a modern conservative era, 100% Liberal Bias Original ™ story of “What July 4th Means To Me” and the signing of the Declaration of Independence!
It was a dark and stormy night on July 4th, in the year 1776. Our founding fathers, including George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus, were hanging out in a bar, because they were regular, down-to-earth Americans. They all carried shotguns, of course, which they had visibly displayed in their holsters so that any bad guys would see how strong and powerful they were and not cause any trouble.
And John Calvin said, “I won’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t have a bit that says anyone who even thinks about having an abortion will go directly to hell where she will be raped by the spawn of Beelzebub. I think that should be in this fine document before I sign it.”
And Ronald Reagan said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t explicitly outlaw all taxation on rich people. Everybody knows that only poors should pay taxes. That’s what this whole war against the British was really about!”
And Jesus said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t say that slavery is a God-given right that can never be taken away by any amendment, and black people can never ever vote no matter what! I don’t think I can support a document that could possibly be amended to allow black people to vote!”
So as they were wavering, the arch angel Moroni appeared riding a golden SUV. He was beautiful and muscular and the image of Republican manliness (no homo). And he said unto the founding fathers:
“DON’T BE RIDICULOUS! We live in a totally Christian Nation, which means that we naturally would never, ever allow women to make reproductive decisions, tax rich people, or let black people vote! THAT WOULD BE SO STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
And all of the Founding Fathers laughed with the angel, because they saw that it WAS stupid. And thus they agreed to sign, even though it is very obvious that they held these additional values in their hearts and nobody could possibly ever question it.
And that is how it really truly actually happened on July 4th, 1776. As you can see this means that today’s American Conservatives are exactly in line with what the really true and not made up at all founding fathers (no homo) actually wanted from our country.
We’ve all heard that the Easter Bunny, chocolate eggs, and pastel colors, are not “really” Christian but borrowed from pagan traditions. Have you been fooled by this claim? Well, I have good news for you: THIS IS A LIBERAL ATHEIST LIE!
Let’s crack-open the Bible, and eggucate these tricksters. Trust me, when you share these really real true facts about Christianity and Easter with your liberal coworkers and family members, it will BLOW THEIR MINDS!
1) THE BUNNY
“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28).
Rabbits are an essential Christian symbol. They are known for following God’s first command to have hot, hetero, monogamous sex purely for the purpose of procreation!
Some people have interpreted this Bible passage very narrowly, claiming that it is nothing more than absolute proof that God completely hates sodomy, homosexuality, and blowjobs. But if you understand the Bible as well as I do, you can read these words and see that it is also clearlya reference to bunnies!
The Easter Bunny reminds us of the original purity God created us with and for; the Bunny reminds us that the homosexual sodomite BJ agenda must be stopped!
2. CADBURY EGGS
“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal” (Matthew 6:19-21).
Liberals often look at this passage and think that Jesus wants us to live simply and without wealth. But that is stupid. When I read this Bible passage, I clearly see that is means something quite different.
Cadbury Eggs are, quite plainly, God’s own treasure. Pure chocolate joy, and when you break it open like a treasure chest there is even more sugary sweetness inside. In this passage, God is saying that you should not store your “treasures”, i.e. Cadbury Eggs, but instead devour them before they go bad.
This scripture inspires us to live large, devour more, and consume everything in sight – we wouldn’t want moths, rusts, and thieves get into our Easter chocolaty goodness!
3) TACKY PASTEL EASTER SUITS
“And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD’S sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king’s children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel” (Zephaniah 1:8).
Again, atheists claim that we stole the brightly-colored apparel in Easter celebration from the pagans. But again, the atheists are wrong.
Biblically speaking, we dress our colorful best because it reminds us that in Jesus’ resurrection God no longer hates us like He has in the past. God no longer judges us on our “strange apparel” but looks to Jesus for our righteousness! Seersucker suits are a sure sign of resurrection.
4. DECORATED EGGS
“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me” (Matthew 11:28-30).
Easter Eggs… Pagan?! HA! Because of this scripture, Christians have been using eggs to envision the truth of Jesus’ message for centuries. When we believe in Jesus, he covers our hearts with his yoke and then calls us to scramble this dark world of liberal lies with his gracious love – Son side up! The painting of eggs is our way of painting our love on God’s own word!
And of course, no Easter is complete without…….
“And as they came down from the mountain, Jesus charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead” (Mark 9:9).
Jesus said they should “tell no man what things they had seen.” In other word, he asked his disciples “to not say a peep”! Coincidence? I think not! THIS IS A CLEAR REFERENCE TO AMAZING FLUFFY CANDY BIRDS!
This Easter we no longer have to keep our peepers shut; these sugary gems remind us that resurrection can be shouted from the rooftops, death has no sting, and new-life begins now!
Pardon my language, but darn Valentine’s Day. Darn it to h*ck.
The last time I went on a Valentine’s Day date was three years ago. A woman urged me to go see a screening of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D. While it was nice to see such a earnest documentary about a God-loving, abortion-hating kid who has kept a good head on his shoulders in the face of fame, I did not appreciate all the teenage sinners touching their hands together like we were in one of those pornograph theaters.
Needless to say I have not “celebrated” another Valentine’s Day since. In the days after that night, traumatized by what had happened to me, I thought about how Valentine’s Day came to exist in the first place. It isn’t a national holiday, so why do we let it dictate how we behave?
Then I remembered what elsetries to dictate how we behave…THE LIBERAL AGENDA!
I have compiled a list of eight reasons why you should lock your doors and do nothing this and every February 14… unless you don’t want to take this country back from Barack Hussein Obama!!
#1. Valentine’s Day encourages people in relationships to have SEX
This would be okay… if it were the kind of sex that God would approve of. Valentine’s Day encourages lovers to have sex for fun rather than procreation… and even try out new positions, like standing up or making a pretzel shape with the man’s penis!
This helps Obama because he is giving women free access to birth control. If women have the ability to prevent themselves from getting pregnant and there is a holiday that encourages them to seize that opportunity, that will mean Obama’s policy will be successful! Obviously, that cannot be allowed to happen.
#2. Valentine’s Day turns single people into sinners
Since all their friends and family members in relationships doing yucky things to each other, single people have the tendency to become extremely jealous on Valentine’s Day. They are thus encouraged to seek out sinful pleasure elsewhere, in the form of pornography. In order to make the most out of pornography, these people may feel compelled to masturbate. Science has proven that masturbation causes blindness and atheism, and everybody knows that being blind and being an atheist are the two most un-American things you can be.
#3. Valentine’s Day makes people become more like the government
If you have ever tried to buy flowers in the month of February, you know that Valentine’s Day is a very, very, VERY expensive time of the year. In order to prove to one another that their relationship is fine and they are not at all overcompensating, people in relationships feel obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money on gifts. With jewelry priced in the thousands of dollars, Valentine’s Day certainly sends many into crippling, catastrophic debt. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?
#4. Valentine’s Day is good for the economy
You might be wondering, “Hey…what’s wrong with that?” If people are spending lots of money at retail for Valentine’s Day, it allows businesses to thrive. They can hire more workers, pay their employees better, give them benefits, etc.
Notice that last part? If the economy thrives, partly due to Valentine’s Day spending, more people will be able to have affordable health insurance. It will allow Obamacare to be a successful government program. Even if it’s good for the economy, it’s bad for America. After all, 100% of those enrolled in Obamacare WILL die.
#5. Valentine’s Day is an elaborate scheme to send foreign aid to Luxembourg
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, somebody at a marketing firm once said. As a result, diamonds are incredibly popular on Valentine’s Day. Where do all these diamonds come from? The vast majority of the world’s diamonds sold come from DeBeers, a company based in the country of Luxembourg.
Never heard of Luxembourg? Neither have I, but it sounds weird so it is probably in the Middle East. That means we are giving money to the people who want to attack us! Valentine’s Day is a conduit for terrorism.
#6. Valentine’s Day makes Michelle Obama grow stronger
For the (slightly) more budget-conscious Valentine’s Day victim, chocolate is a standard gift. It is delicious and indulgent…only it makes you fat. First Lady Michelle Obama harnesses the power of America’s obese and feeds off that energy. How do I know this? Why else would she tell kids to eat healthy and exercise? Americans hate being told what to do; they are just going to get fatter as a result to throw it back in her face! Do not give Michelle Obama more power.
#7. Valentine’s Day causes you to long for the color blue
During Valentine’s season, it’s nothing but the color red. Red boxes, red bows, red everything! Personally, I love the color red. It is the color of conservatism in America and the color of personal liberty as long as you are a heteronormative white male.
But even a great American patriot like myself gets sick of the color red this time of the year. I catch myself wanting to look at the color blue instead just for a change of pace…which is exactly what the Democrats want. It’s called subliminal messaging. You want BLUE in your life so you will vote for Democrats!
#8. Valentine’s Day undermines the patriarchy
Remember the good old days when women made dinner for their husbands and only slept in their bed when they wanted to make a baby? Valentine’s Day completely undoes this, the American dream, by making it mandatory for men to do nice things for women. What’s next? We’re going to be “ready for Hillary” all of a sudden and have a female President? We are going to stop blaming women who are victims of sexual abuse? What an awful world that would be!
This graph supposedly “shows” that the vast majority of Sunday political talk shows feature Republicans instead of Democrats, which supposedly “shows” that there is not a disgusting communist left-wing liberal bias in the media.
Here at LiberalBias.com we know that graphs and data have a liberal bias, which is why we know to ignore graphs like this one. Or, to see them as proof of liberal bias: three liberals being invited as frequent guests on television in 2013 is obviously three liberals too many.
If anything, all this graph proves is that in 2014 our new years resolution needs to be to complain about liberal media bias EVEN LOUDER.
You’re welcome, America.
Graph Data Source: Steven Benen watching too much television Graph Found Via: The Maddow Blog
It’s that time of year again. A time to gather the children around the fire, and tell them the stories and tales of old.
Stories and tales that you hope will instill in them a sense of joy, and righteousness, and conservative goodness.
Of course, the contemporary story of “Santa Claus” has become twisted and perverted, and no longer really imparts a… well, a conservative enoughmessage for today’s American conservatives.
So we here at LiberalBias.com feel that it is necessary to give you a conservative alternativeto the standard liberally-biased Christmas Story.
Boys and girls, family members young and old. Let me tell you a story. This story begins far, far away, up at the North Pole! It’s very cold at the North Pole, and always will be, because weather is controlled by God, not fossil fuels.
Our story begins at the North Pole because that is where a great man lives, and that man is named Santa Reagan Claus. He has a wife, because he is heterosexual, and a whole collection of under-aged elves who work in his factory. You see, Santa lovesthe elves, and understands that the best way to help them is to employ them for minimum wage so that his wealth can “trickle down” to them. Without him, those elves would probably be unemployed and starving in the frozen tundra. Isn’t Santa wonderful? He even pays them with candy canes.. and who doesn’t love candy canes?
Because the North Pole isn’t burdened by socialist regulations and taxes, Santa is able to churn out millions of really cheap toys. He also contributes to the local economy by purchasing whale blubber for heat and lighting in his factory. You see, Santa prefers to remain “off the grid”, just in case Obama’s secret black ops army finally successfully engineers the radical communist take-over of the world government. This is also why Santa has stockpiles of guns and ammunition… just like your mommy and daddy should.
So anyway, because Santa is the CEO of a successful North Pole Factory, he is obviously a very hard worker. Some liberal malcontents like to perpetuate the myth that Santa only works one day a year, in order to paint him as some kind of evil entitled “One-Percenter”.
But the fact is, Santa is constantly going over very complicated paperwork and reports, trying to figure out how to cut costs. He is a big fan of Connie Mack’s “Penny Plan” and has been cutting his expenses by 1% every year since 1803, which is why he now employs under-aged elves and pays them with candy canes.
So anyway, on Christmas Eve, Santa gathers together his distribution department,which consists primarily of handicapped people. In some folk stories these “assistants” are described as monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are.
Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on their ability to perform the job required. In this case, the job that is required is scaring the ever-living crap out of children who have been naughty.
Notice in the photo, that Santa REAGAN Claus also wears a cross on his hat, because unlike the Liberal version of Santa Claus, he knows that Christmas is all about Jesus and scaring children.
So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus then goes out into the night on a beautiful mission to spread free-market values! This is the real message of Christmas, after all: If a child has worked hard enough, followed every single demand and rule placed upon him by his parents, while of course never being paid for anything throughout the entire year, then he will be rewarded in the form of a small toy, or possibly a snack, that serves as a “bonus”. This will prepare him for what it is like to be employed by a multi-million dollar multi-national corporation later in life.
On the other hand, if the child has NOT worked hard enough, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants put the child in a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.
Santa knows that being overly permissive with children will just lead them to grow up to be spoiled liberals and homosexuals. The purpose of Christmas is to teach these children that in the real world, there arewinners and losers…. and Santa Reagan Claus will help you to punish the losers.
I know some people will think this is a joke. But just take a moment to think about it: Isn’t this exactly the kind of Christmas that our good, conservative politicians and leaders would want?
Just think about it, and share it with your conservative friends: The story of Conservo-Claus!
Black Friday used to be like any other good Christian religious holiday: a safe, comfortable time when the godly could enjoy buying lots and lots of stuff. But no more! Black Friday has recently become a government conspiracy to wage war on Christmas!
Once millions of Americans finish stuffing their faces with festive [high-fructose] corn [syrup], [factory-farmed] turkey, and all the sweets one could imagine, they faithfully re-enact the marvelous thanks given by Captain Smith and Pocahontas as this fine country began to emerge in response to British imperialism.
Just like Jesus would have wished, from the time these folks undo their top jean button (for a little extra breathing room), they gear up for the midnight hour so they can go shopping! That is, after all, the way Jesus wants it.
But ever since “that one” Obama was elected, things have changed. Consider the evidence:
Reddit user Dav Versus posted his story about working at a Best Buy on Friday. When around 1,500 people peacefully walked into his business at 6am, the checkout line quickly reached a tangled line stretching way back into the appliance department. Skillfully placed by the Obama administration a “turd of a good size” and “solid consistency” was dropped down in one of the dryers by a crazed-government-consumer. “A lady (no doubt a government operative)…opened the dryer, and shat right there in front of everyone,” Versus reported.
The government didn’t stop with human feces, they began to use brute force: a man in Virginia was stabbed at Walmart during an argument over a parking spot around 6:30pm thanksgiving evening. Good Christian citizens attempting to park closer to their desired store are no longer safe, Obama has crazed-government-consumers ready and willing to stab anyone attempting to enjoy the Holy Black Friday.
Santa himself was arrested outside of a Walmart in California as he peacefully greeted guests into the superstore. With a huge smile Santa was handing out candy and holding up joyful holiday sign that read, “people over profit.” Obama wasn’t ready for such radical Christmas cheer, so they cuffed good ole’ Saint Nick and locked him in their SWAT car. Beware: there is nothing that will stop this liberal tyrannical dictator from shaming all who celebrate Christmas.
This nutty administration even started their own website where they report how many deaths their violent-government-consumer-operatives have caused! It’s coined, “Black Friday Death Count” and celebrates 7 deaths and 90 injuries. This is not only an attack on Christmas but is probably another attempt at swaying the American people to sign up for Obamacare or run in fear of their lives ending up on blackfridaydeathcount.com
How can we be sure that Obama was behind all of these events, you might ask? Well, isn’t it obvious?
If there is one thing we can take from history, it’s that white men have never done anything wrong.
For example, blacks in Africa: we brought them to America, giving them food and shelter in exchange for labor. They treated us as liberators, and while they talk a big game to encourage the proliferation of the welfare state, clearly they are thankful because… well, they haven’t gone back! Plenty of top-notch conservative minds have pointed out that slavery was the best thing to ever happen to blacks.
White people are also responsible for Thanksgiving, a celebration of the free market over socialism.
Some people MISTAKENLY think Thanksgiving was about the sharing of crops or the alliance of Native Americans and the Pilgrims … H*CK NO!
Thanksgiving has never been about giving to anybody. Think about how we celebrate Thanksgiving: it’s a once a year celebration of what we are all able to give ourselves! Why else do we all go out shopping early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving? To get a head start on giving ourselves stuff to celebrate next Thanksgiving!
We patriots are so eager in fact, that retailers like Walmart are ethically allowing their laborers to sell us discounted 90″ televisions and SodaStreams instead of spending time with their families like we get to!
The history books, which were all written by people who received a college education which means they are liberals that cannot be trusted, say that white people came to the Americas and began to take land from the Native Americans, who did not understand the idea of land ownership.
But I can tell you what really happened.. and you won’t believe it!
The Native American leader who oversaw the first Thanksgiving was named Chief Nobama of the Democratparty Tribe. All of the people in the tribe under his leadership were deathly ill. Prior to the white man showing up, they had instituted a new policy called Machu Picchu, an Indian word that does not translate directly into English but essentially means Obamacare. The amount of pebbles the mandatory insurance under Machu Picchu cost bankrupted every member of the Democratparty Tribe, leaving them completely unable to buy food or toilet paper to build their homes.
That is when the Righteous, Godly, Amazing white people arrived. They tried to liberate the Native Americans from the socialist reign of their Muslim atheist Kenyan Indian chief, but the Indians refused. Because the Pilgrims were PROUD CAPITALISTS, they took all the food the Democratparty Tribe had and said it belonged to them. Then, they killed the Indians… just to prove to them that their economic system was wrong.
There is even a book by Coral Ridge Ministries, which nobody has ever heard of, called “10 Truths About Socialism”, which nobody has ever read, telling the same basic story: Pilgrims tried socialism, starved, God appeared and taught them the free market and the fact that government regulation is evil, and then suddenly they had food.
Although by the end of this tale the Pilgrims have learned their lesson, Zach’s account of Thanksgiving is obviously far superior because it is consistent with the historical axiom that white people never do anything wrong.
Pat Buchanan would be proud. Make sure you spread this, the NEW Thanksgiving Story, to all of your conservative friends.
In the God-breathed Bible, we read in the Gospel accounts that Jesus preached justice, he worked for justice, and he embodied justice. As followers of Jesus, it is vital that we demand justice in the face of heinous bigotry, most especially the War on Christmas.
How? Here are 4 tangible ways to combat the war on Christmas with Jesus-like justice:
Statistically speaking, America has the highest incarceration rate and the largest total prison population in the entire world. How can we help these inmates?
Drop off buckets of “Keep the Christ in Christmas” buttons! Just like our suburban neighbors, these prisoners deserve to know that Jesus…. not Rachel Maddow and her crazy anti-Christmas rants… is the reason for the season!
Studies show that of all industrialized nations, America is the most obese. This just gives you the perfect opportunity!
Hand out Christian leaflets at your local fast food restaurant! As those fat parents bring in their fat children, hand them a booklet of love, remind them that Christ was born and can save them from their obesity through God’s all-mighty power. Before they can shove another nugget into their floppy mouths, hand them a tract of Christmas love.
The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the world. Sadly it’s this time of year that many young women whore themselves out to get pregnant. We as pro-life Christians should come to their assistance, out of love for justice. How shall we do that?
Show up in the hospital dressed as Jesus and yell at them for being whores. There are few greater ways to convert the lost than to literally bring them before the judgment of Jesus.
Americans take more prescription drugs than any other developed nation in the world. We all know its because the liberal agenda causes depression. With great pain I’m sure you understand that many American’s rely on pills rather than the power of prayer to fight the Devils left-wing depression-causing attacks. So what can you do to spread Christ’s justice in the world?
Wish every single person you meet “Merry Christmas!” How healing it is when we offer the verbal blessing of Christmas to people! Much better than liberal “healthcare”. We are able to speak Biblical truth and witness to our cashiers, barista’s, lawyers, house-maids, and baby sitters all with a simple “Merry Christmas!”
This year, as Santa tumbles down your chimney, be sure not to let the demonic religions that the left wing anti-American’s promote take over! Fight back with the power of the justice of Jesus Christ… with buttons, flyers for fat people, yelling at whores, and of course wishing a joyous Merry Christmas to all!
As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!
“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)
There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!
(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)
“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)
Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!
“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)
Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.
“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)
Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!
“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)
What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.
Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!
If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:
“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)
A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.
Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:
NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
DO NOT GET GORY! “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.
Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!
This year, for the Fourth of July, I decided to infiltrate a liberal Independence Day celebration to see what happens when you mix patriotism with LIBERAL BIAS.
It was obvious that it was a liberal party, even though supposedly it was to celebrate the birth of this great nation. People were swimming in the pool, but nobody was wearing American flag patterns on their swimsuits. They were grilling the most terrible lame tofu vegetarian stuff, instead of dead flesh, like real Americans eat. Plus, absolutely nobody was reading from the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. It was a horrible experience.
So I decided to stir things up a little bit by grabbing a beer, and yelling, “America is the best country in the world! Today is about celebrating the fact that we’re the only country where there is real FREEDOM! YEE-HAW!”
Instead of the usual applauds, cheers, and offers of sex that usually come as a response to this kind of talk, I was met with curious looks, and one person said, “Well, actually… most Western European countries are pretty free these days…”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, defending the honor of my country. “Besides, even if it’s true now, America was the first country to have a government by the people! We invented elections!!”
At this point, most people realized that I was right and so turned away to go back to other things. However, I could tell that a couple of these liberals at this party were just itching for a fight. Some guy wearing a Hawaiian-looking shirt said: “Actually, elections have been around a really long time. I mean, didn’t they have elections in the Roman empire back in like 900 AD?”
“Yeah,” piped up some other scrawny-looking guy, probably educated in some kind of fancy university. “The nobles elected the emperor. Which really wasn’t that different from the early elections here in the United States, where only white male land-owners could vote.”
“Shut up! I don’t believe that,” I cleverly replied, “And besides, even if that’s true, those were still elected monarchs who could do anything at all to the people! The United States invented due process, and the idea that you can’t just lock people up for no reason!!! That’s why America is the BEST!!!”
Then some hippie-looking chick, probably one of those feminists, totally got in my face and was all, “Actually, that was the Magna Carta, in 1297. It said that nobody could be imprisoned or arrested or punished without being accused of a crime and being given a trial. In fact, the Founding Fathers of the United States specifically stole the Fifth Amendment from the Magna Carta.”
“I don’t believe that!!” I said, like any proud American would. “Besides, America invented other stuff! We have the free market!” I continued, “America invented capitalism!”
“Actually,” said some other whiny liberal in the crowd, “There have been cities in Europe going back as far as the thirteenth century that guaranteed that anyone living there was free to buy and sell whatever goods they chose. It was written into the town charters of many Medieval cities!”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, taking another swig of beer. “Besides, even if that’s true, they still didn’t have freedom of speech! America invented freedom of speech!”
“Actually, didn’t Sweden abolish censorship in 1766?” asked some foreign-looking guy drinking a Margarita.
“That’s right,” said a person standing next to him, “And Denmark and Norway in 1770.”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up shut up! I don’t believe any of that!” I yelled, turning around to face the other direction, so those liberals who had just spoken would know that they were wrong.
Fox News is trying to bully schools into using the word “Easter” more. This is part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to push paganism. Real Christians know the word “Easter” has a liberal bias.
If you are a real conservative—which means you are a Christian, because in America all real conservatives are Christians—then you know that the word “Easter” is a pagan plague that has infected the righteous along with bunnies and eggs and other things that children love. Children should not love religious holidays, they should just worship and behave. The idea that holidays should be fun is a liberal corruption.
The word “Easter” derives from the name of the German pagan goddess Ēostre, who represented spring time. So in other words, when you say “happy Easter” to someone you are not being a Christina. You are not only celebrating a very non-Christian pagan god, which is bad enough, but a girl God, at that.
This is clearly not what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. That is why the Founding Fathers wrote specifically in the constitution that female pagan gods were not allowed to vote, and that is also why good Christians make their children hunt for Resurrection Eggs instead of Easter Eggs.
So given all of these very obvious and self-evident facts, why is is that Fox News has been on a rampage trying to guilt schools into using the word “Easter”?
There is mounting evidence that Fox News is actually a hyper-liberal socialist organization that is trying to undermine Christian values. For example, we have caught them making blatantly anti-Christian claims that some galaxies and certain rocks might be more than 6000 years old, which is obviously in contradiction with the bible and based on liberal “theory” and pseudo-science.
This latest development just adds more proof: Fox News is promoting paganism by trying to force schools to worship the pagan goddess Ēostre!
Some people have speculated that this is part of an ongoing plan to erode Christianity in the United States so that it can be replaced by Islam. After all, Fox News is partially owned by Saudi Arabia.
So anyway, as you celebrate the day today, please remember this: The word “Easter” does not appear in the Bible. And if it doesn’t appear in the Bible, then it must be the Devil’s work. Just like cell phones.
Anybody who tells you anything differently is obviously simply trying to spread liberal bias!!!
Statistics show that Valentine’s Day has made a full economic recovery from the Obama recession. Republicans have no explanation for this bizarre phenomenon.
It is well-known among conservatives that the economy is bad. There is no recovery, and the reason is that there is a communistical Kenyan liberal socialist in the White House. This is common knowledge.
Valentine’s day spending went down dramatically at the beginning of the recession. Moreover, since there is no recovery, we should expect that this spending would still be very low. Yet somehow it has risen even higher than it was in 2008.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID ROMANTIC PEOPLE?
DON’T YOU KNOW YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE COWERING IN FEAR FROM OUR BAD ECONOMY?
Clearly, all of these Valentine’s Day gifts must be being purchased by blacks, Hispanics, women, and young people—you know, the people who were simply too stupid to not vote for Obama, according to Mitt Romney.
After all, good conservatives—old, white, male conservatives—clearly know better than to spend money on something as frivolous as Valentine’s day during a recession!!!
The tale of Santa Claus has been twisted and perverted by liberals into a disgusting piece of anti-American propaganda. Today’s Liberal Santa gives welfare entitlements to undeserving unemployed children, owns a television and a microwave despite only working one day per year, and is forced to employ a congenitally deformed reindeer due to political correctness.
But that is not the true, conservative story of Christmas. So in the honorable tradition of Conservapedia, the Half Hour News Hour, and, AMAC, we will take a very popular liberal thing (in this case, Christmas) and change it around completely in order to create our very own conservative version.
Far up north, where it is very very cold, and will always be cold because God would never allow the planet to change temperature dramatically, there lives a man named Santa Reagan Claus. Usually, he just goes by Santa R. Claus.
He lives there with his wife, because he is heterosexual. Also, a whole collection of immigrant children work in his factory. This is one of the reasons that he is known throughout the world as being so generous and kind to children. If it were not for S. Reagan Claus, those diminutive little people would be completely unemployed and would probably starve and freeze to death in the cold, cold northern ice storms. Basically, Santa Reagan Clause has single-handedly saved their lives.
So anyway, his factory is able to churn out tons and tons of really cheap toys. Partially, because he is using child labor, but also because the North Pole is not burdened by the iron first of government regulation. The liberal hell-hole country of the United States could learn a lot from the Free Market paradise of the North Pole, in fact. Santa only has to pay his under-aged factory workers with candy-canes, which allows him to keep prices very low. The children are happy, too, because, hey, who doesn’t like candy canes? Plus, he dressed them up like elves, which they also enjoy.
So anyway, Santa also contributes to the local economy at the north pole, because he uses locally-produced whale blubber as insulation in the factory walls and fuel for the lamps. He does not use electricity because he prefers to remain “off the grid” so that when the Industrial-Socialist Complex of Vast Democrat Machine finally lowers the Communist Hammer on the world economy, he does not want to be adversely affected. This is also why he stockpiles approximately 1/3 of all of the guns that are produced in his factory. This is a lesson that your family should also learn from.
So anyway, as the CEO of the North Pole Factory, Santa works very, very hard every single day of the year. The idea that Santa only works one day per year is a myth perpetuated by communists to reinforce the idea of the the 1% are somehow lazy and undeserving. Santa is constantly toiling over balance sheets, invoices, employee reports, and of course reports about his customer base. Because he is a conservative, he has vowed to cut expenses by 1% every single year, and has been doing this since the year 1803. That is why his company is so efficient now. It is also why he pays his underaged factory worker with candy canes.
So anyway, on Christmas Eve, he meets with his distribution department,which is made up primarily of deformed and slightly mentally retarded people. In popular folk lore, these “assistants” are described as being monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are. Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on finding who is best for the job that is needed. Therefore, Santa employes the members of his distribution department to scare the crap out of children who are bad and beat them, because let’s face it, that is a role to which deformed and disabled people are especially suited.
Also, Reagan Claus wears a big old cross on his hat, because he knows that Jesus is the reason for the season.
So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus and his team of assistants go around the night before Christmas in order to re-enforce capitalist free-market values. How does he do this? When a child has worked hard enough for little or no financial compensation, he is given a very small and very inexpensive bonus in the form of some kind of toy or possibly a piece of food that he is normally too poor to afford. On the other hand, when a child has been lazy and has not worked in a factory, or in the fields, or in an office performing repetitive tasks that the company would normally buy a machine to perform except that the machine is more expensive than child labor, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants place the child into a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.
Because Santa knows that coddling children leads to nothing but dependent, entitled little spoiled brats. In the real world, there are winners and losers… and losers get punished. Those are real conservative values…. and Santa Reagan Claus is there to help you teach them to your children.
I know that some of you will read this as if it were a joke. Some of you will think that this is exaggerated and horrific and/or silly.
But in the spirit of the holiday, I ask you to take just one small moment out of your day and really think about it. If this was how Christmas was run every year, can you just imagine how quickly children would learn the value of capitalism and hard work?
All I’m saying is: think about it.
The story of Conserva-Claus might be exactly what America needs.