NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: complain about liberal media bias EVEN LOUDER!

Look at this disgusting liberally-biased graph.

Sunday talk show media bias

This graph supposedly “shows” that the vast majority of Sunday political talk shows feature Republicans instead of Democrats, which supposedly “shows” that there is not a disgusting communist left-wing liberal bias in the media.

Here at LiberalBias.com we know that graphs and data have a liberal bias, which is why we know to ignore graphs like this one. Or, to see them as proof of liberal bias: three liberals being invited as frequent guests on television in 2013 is obviously three liberals too many.

If anything, all this graph proves is that in 2014 our new years resolution needs to be to complain about liberal media bias EVEN LOUDER.

You’re welcome, America.

You’re welcome.

 

Graph Data Source: Steven Benen watching too much television
Graph Found Via: The Maddow Blog

Do you know the story of Conservo Claus?

Liberal Santa

Liberal Santa

HO, HO, HO!

It’s that time of year again. A time to gather the children around the fire, and tell them the stories and tales of old.

Stories and tales that you hope will instill in them a sense of joy, and righteousness, and conservative goodness.

Of course, the contemporary story of “Santa Claus” has become twisted and perverted, and no longer really imparts a… well, a conservative enough message for today’s American conservatives.

So we here at LiberalBias.com feel that it is necessary to give you a conservative alternative to the standard liberally-biased Christmas Story.

You’re welcome.

 


Boys and girls, family members young and old. Let me tell you a story. This story begins far, far away, up at the North Pole! It’s very cold at the North Pole, and always will be, because weather is controlled by God, not fossil fuels.

Our story begins at the North Pole because that is where a great man lives, and that man is named Santa Reagan Claus. He has a wife, because he is heterosexual, and a whole collection of under-aged elves who work in his factory. You see, Santa loves the elves, and understands that the best way to help them is to employ them for minimum wage so that his wealth can “trickle down” to them. Without him, those elves would probably be unemployed and starving in the frozen tundra. Isn’t Santa wonderful? He even pays them with candy canes.. and who doesn’t love candy canes?

Because the North Pole isn’t burdened by socialist regulations and taxes, Santa is able to churn out millions of really cheap toys. He also contributes to the local economy by purchasing whale blubber for heat and lighting in his factory. You see, Santa prefers to remain “off the grid”, just in case Obama’s secret black ops army finally successfully engineers the radical communist take-over of the world government. This is also why Santa has stockpiles of guns and ammunition… just like your mommy and daddy should.

So anyway, because Santa is the CEO of a successful North Pole Factory, he is obviously a very hard worker. Some liberal malcontents like to perpetuate the myth that Santa only works one day a year, in order to paint him as some kind of evil entitled “One-Percenter”.

But the fact is, Santa is constantly going over very complicated paperwork and reports, trying to figure out how to cut costs. He is a big fan of Connie Mack’s “Penny Plan” and has been cutting his expenses by 1% every year since 1803, which is why he now employs under-aged elves and pays them with candy canes.

Conserva-ClausSo anyway, on Christmas Eve, Santa gathers together his distribution department,which consists primarily of handicapped people. In some folk stories these “assistants” are described as monsters, but that just shows you how racist liberals are.

Santa employs them because Santa does not discriminate: he employs people based only on their ability to perform the job required. In this case, the job that is required is scaring the ever-living crap out of children who have been naughty.

Notice in the photo, that Santa REAGAN Claus also wears a cross on his hat, because unlike the Liberal version of Santa Claus, he knows that Christmas is all about Jesus and scaring children.

So anyway, Santa Reagan Claus then goes out into the night on a beautiful mission to spread free-market values! This is the real message of Christmas, after all: If a child has worked hard enough, followed every single demand and rule placed upon him by his parents, while of course never being paid for anything throughout the entire year, then he will be rewarded in the form of a small toy, or possibly a snack, that serves as a “bonus”. This will prepare him for what it is like to be employed by a multi-million dollar multi-national corporation later in life.

On the other hand, if the child has NOT worked hard enough, then Santa’s mutant monster-looking assistants put the child in a burlap sack and beat him until he learns the value of hard, honest work.

Santa knows that being overly permissive with children will just lead them to grow up to be spoiled liberals and homosexuals. The purpose of Christmas is to teach these children that in the real world, there are winners and losers…. and Santa Reagan Claus will help you to punish the losers.

 


 

I know some people will think this is a joke. But just take a moment to think about it: Isn’t this exactly the kind of Christmas that our good, conservative politicians and leaders would want?

Just think about it, and share it with your conservative friends: The story of Conservo-Claus!

Obama leads the War on Christmas

Black Friday used to be like any other good Christian religious holiday: a safe, comfortable time when the godly could enjoy buying lots and lots of stuff. But no more! Black Friday has recently become a government conspiracy to wage war on Christmas!

The way God intended the holidays to be celebratedOnce millions of Americans finish stuffing their faces with festive [high-fructose] corn [syrup], [factory-farmed] turkey, and all the sweets one could imagine, they faithfully re-enact the marvelous thanks given by Captain Smith and Pocahontas as this fine country began to emerge in response to British imperialism.

Just like Jesus would have wished, from the time these folks undo their top jean button (for a little extra breathing room), they gear up for the midnight hour so they can go shopping! That is, after all, the way Jesus wants it.

But ever since “that one” Obama was elected, things have changed. Consider the evidence:

  • Reddit user Dav Versus posted his story about working at a Best Buy on Friday. When around 1,500 people peacefully walked into his business at 6am, the checkout line quickly reached a tangled line stretching way back into the appliance department. Skillfully placed by the Obama administration a “turd of a good size” and “solid consistency” was dropped down in one of the dryers by a crazed-government-consumer. “A lady (no doubt a government operative)…opened the dryer, and shat right there in front of everyone,” Versus reported.
  • The government didn’t stop with human feces, they began to use brute force: a man in Virginia was stabbed at Walmart during an argument over a parking spot around 6:30pm thanksgiving evening. Good Christian citizens attempting to park closer to their desired store are no longer safe, Obama has crazed-government-consumers ready and willing to stab anyone attempting to enjoy the Holy Black Friday.
  • Santa himself was arrested outside of a Walmart in California as he peacefully greeted guests into the superstore. With a huge smile Santa was handing out candy and holding up joyful holiday sign that read, “people over profit.” Obama wasn’t ready for such radical Christmas cheer, so they cuffed good ole’ Saint Nick and locked him in their SWAT car. Beware: there is nothing that will stop this liberal tyrannical dictator from shaming all who celebrate Christmas.
  • This nutty administration even started their own website where they report how many deaths their violent-government-consumer-operatives have caused! It’s coined, “Black Friday Death Count” and celebrates 7 deaths and 90 injuries.  This is not only an attack on Christmas but is probably another attempt at swaying the American people to sign up for Obamacare or run in fear of their lives ending up on blackfridaydeathcount.com

How can we be sure that Obama was behind all of these events, you might ask? Well, isn’t it obvious?

The Indians embraced socialism and got what was coming to them (Happy Thanksgiving)!

If there is one thing we can take from history, it’s that white men have never done anything wrong.

For example, blacks in Africa: we brought them to America, giving them food and shelter in exchange for labor. They treated us as liberators, and while they talk a big game to encourage the proliferation of the welfare state, clearly they are thankful because… well, they haven’t gone back! Plenty of top-notch conservative minds have pointed out that slavery was the best thing to ever happen to blacks.

White people are also responsible for Thanksgiving, a celebration of the free market over socialism.

Some people MISTAKENLY think Thanksgiving was about the sharing of crops or the alliance of Native Americans and the Pilgrims … H*CK NO!

Thanksgiving has never been about giving to anybody. Think about how we celebrate Thanksgiving: it’s a once a year celebration of what we are all able to give ourselves! Why else do we all go out shopping early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving? To get a head start on giving ourselves stuff to celebrate next Thanksgiving!

We patriots are so eager in fact, that retailers like Walmart are ethically allowing their laborers to sell us discounted 90″ televisions and SodaStreams instead of spending time with their families like we get to!

The history books, which were all written by people who received a college education which means they are liberals that cannot be trusted, say that white people came to the Americas and began to take land from the Native Americans, who did not understand the idea of land ownership.

But I can tell you what really happened.. and you won’t believe it!

Barack Obama IndianThe Native American leader who oversaw the first Thanksgiving was named Chief Nobama of the Democratparty Tribe. All of the people in the tribe under his leadership were deathly ill. Prior to the white man showing up, they had instituted a new policy called Machu Picchu, an Indian word that does not translate directly into English but essentially means Obamacare. The amount of pebbles the mandatory insurance under Machu Picchu cost bankrupted every member of the Democratparty Tribe, leaving them completely unable to buy food or toilet paper to build their homes.

That is when the Righteous, Godly, Amazing white people arrived. They tried to liberate the Native Americans from the socialist reign of their Muslim atheist Kenyan Indian chief, but the Indians refused. Because the Pilgrims were PROUD CAPITALISTS, they took all the food the Democratparty Tribe had and said it belonged to them. Then, they killed the Indians… just to prove to them that their economic system was wrong.

I know that this entire story is true because God told it to me in a dream and you’re not allowed to question people who hear stuff from God!!


 

EDITOR’S POST-SCRIPT: Other conservatives before Zach have attempted to re-write the Thanksgiving story as a triumph of capitalism over socialism. Zach’s account, however, is clearly superior.

For example, Rush Limbaugh attempt at a “Thanksgiving Capitalism Story” suggests that the pilgrims were stupid enough to try socialism.

There is even a book by Coral Ridge Ministries, which nobody has ever heard of, called “10 Truths About Socialism”, which nobody has ever read, telling the same basic story: Pilgrims tried socialism, starved, God appeared and taught them the free market and the fact that government regulation is evil, and then suddenly they had food.

Although by the end of this tale the Pilgrims have learned their lesson, Zach’s account of Thanksgiving is obviously far superior because it is consistent with the historical axiom that white people never do anything wrong.

Pat Buchanan would be proud. Make sure you spread this, the NEW Thanksgiving Story, to all of your conservative friends.

 


 

Related Story: Thank God for Turkey, Texas!

 

The Perfect Republican Candidate (Campaign Ad)

Liberal Bias Video presents a HALLOWEEN SPECIAL:

Dr. Frankenstein creates the PERFECT Republican candidate by piecing together the best qualities of the Tea Party favorites.

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it if you find it worthy! Also follow the Liberal Bias Video Youtube channel for more collaborative videos like this one!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js05nDZG4Qw

 

The Perfect Republican Candidate