What July 4th means to me: the 2014 edition

Ronald Reagan gave a very famous speech at CPAC in 1974  in which he tells a story about the day the constitution was signed.  He gave another variation of the same speech in 1981, in a speech called “What July 4th Means To Me”. This is an excerpt:

The myth goes that on July 4, 1776, while sequestered behind locked doors, the Continental Congress of the 13 British Colonies, our Founding Fathers, were in hot debate on whether or not to sign the Declaration of Independence and break from Great Britain. Most of the men feared for their lives and their family’s lives, for if they were to sign such a document, they would be traitors to the crown, and would almost certainly be put to death if found.

As these men were debating the issue, and leaning toward NOT signing, a mysterious man arises from out of nowhere. Citing the grievances that had brought them to this moment he said, ‘Sign that parchment. They may turn every tree into a gallows, every home into a grave and yet the words of that parchment can never die. For the mechanic in his workshop, they will be words of hope, to the slave in the mines—freedom.’ And he added, ‘If my hands were freezing in death, I would sign that parchment with my last ounce of strength. Sign, sign if the next moment the noose is around your neck, sign even if the hall is ringing with the sound of headman’s axe, for that parchment will be the textbook of freedom, the bible of the rights of man forever.’

And then it is said he fell back exhausted. But 56 delegates, swept by his eloquence, signed the Declaration of Independence, a document destined to be as immortal as any work of man can be. And according to the story, when they turned to thank him for his timely oratory, he could not be found nor were there any who knew who he was or how he had come in or gone out through the locked and guarded doors.

Now, of course, it’s all complete bullshit. The story is lifted and paraphrased from Washington and His Generals: or, Legends of the Revolution by George Lippard, published in 1847. But it is very plainly a fiction.

For one thing, independence was declared on July 2nd, the text of the Declaration was approved on July 4th, but the document wasn’t signed until August 2, 1776.  Even on August 2, not everyone was available, so several people signed later, including Elbridge Gerry, Oliver Wolcott, Lewis Morris, Thomas McKean and Matthew Thornton.

In fact: There was never any mass signing. There was never any moment in time when every single signer of the Declaration of Independence was in the same room at the same time. The above story could not ever have taken place, and certainly did not take place on July 4th, 1776.

But this kind of attention to factual detail has never mattered to real American Patriots.  What we like is a good story, right?

So, in honor of that tradition, and to celebrate July 4th 2014, we are please to present to you the revised, updated for a modern conservative era, 100% Liberal Bias Original ™ story of “What July 4th Means To Me” and the signing of the Declaration of Independence!

 


 

It was a dark and stormy night on July 4th, in the year 1776.  Our founding fathers, including George Washington, John Calvin, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus, were hanging out in a bar, because they were regular, down-to-earth Americans. They all carried shotguns, of course, which they had visibly displayed in their holsters so that any bad guys would see how strong and powerful they were and not cause any trouble.

And John Calvin said, “I won’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t have a bit that says anyone who even thinks about having an abortion will go directly to hell where she will be raped by the spawn of Beelzebub. I think that should be in this fine document before I sign it.”

And Ronald Reagan said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t explicitly outlaw all taxation on rich people. Everybody knows that only poors should pay taxes. That’s what this whole war against the British was really about!”

And Jesus said, “I don’t want to sign this, because it doesn’t say that slavery is a God-given right that can never be taken away by any amendment, and black people can never ever vote no matter what! I don’t think I can support a document that could possibly be amended to allow black people to vote!”

So as they were wavering, the arch angel Moroni appeared riding a golden SUV. He was beautiful and muscular and the image of Republican manliness (no homo). And he said unto the founding fathers:

“DON’T BE RIDICULOUS!  We live in a totally Christian Nation, which means that we naturally would never, ever allow women to make reproductive decisions, tax rich people, or let black people vote! THAT WOULD BE SO STUPID! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

And all of the Founding Fathers laughed with the angel, because they saw that it WAS stupid. And thus they agreed to sign, even though it is very obvious that they held these additional values in their hearts and nobody could possibly ever question it.

And that is how it really truly actually happened on July 4th, 1776. As you can see this means that today’s American Conservatives are exactly in line with what the really true and not made up at all founding fathers (no homo) actually wanted from our country.

Amen.

Ronald Reagan Riding a Velociraptor by SharpWriter
Ronald Reagan Riding a Velociraptor by SharpWriter

Eight reasons Valentines Day is bad for you and good for Obama

Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
Conservatives protest against Valentines Day
This was the first picture that came up when I did a Google Image Search on “Conservatives protest against Valentines Day”. Just look at these good, upstanding conservative American Christians! Good for them! Fight the liberal machine! Down with Valentines Day!

Pardon my language, but darn Valentine’s Day. Darn it to h*ck.

The last time I went on a Valentine’s Day date was three years ago. A woman urged me to go see a screening of Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in 3D. While it was nice to see such a earnest documentary about a God-loving, abortion-hating kid who has kept a good head on his shoulders in the face of fame, I did not appreciate all the teenage sinners touching their hands together like we were in one of those pornograph theaters.

Needless to say I have not “celebrated” another Valentine’s Day since. In the days after that night, traumatized by what had happened to me, I thought about how Valentine’s Day came to exist in the first place. It isn’t a national holiday, so why do we let it dictate how we behave?

Then I remembered what else tries to dictate how we behave…THE LIBERAL AGENDA!

I have compiled a list of eight reasons why you should lock your doors and do nothing this and every February 14… unless you don’t want to take this country back from Barack Hussein Obama!!

#1. Valentine’s Day encourages people in relationships to have SEX

This would be okay… if it were the kind of sex that God would approve of. Valentine’s Day encourages lovers to have sex for fun rather than procreation… and even try out new positions, like standing up or making a pretzel shape with the man’s penis!

This helps Obama because he is giving women free access to birth control. If women have the ability to prevent themselves from getting pregnant and there is a holiday that encourages them to seize that opportunity, that will mean Obama’s policy will be successful! Obviously, that cannot be allowed to happen.

 

#2. Valentine’s Day turns single people into sinners

Since all their friends and family members in relationships doing yucky things to each other, single people have the tendency to become extremely jealous on Valentine’s Day. They are thus encouraged to seek out sinful pleasure elsewhere, in the form of pornography. In order to make the most out of pornography, these people may feel compelled to masturbate. Science has proven that masturbation causes blindness and atheism, and everybody knows that being blind and being an atheist are the two most un-American things you can be.

 

#3. Valentine’s Day makes people become more like the government

If you have ever tried to buy flowers in the month of February, you know that Valentine’s Day is a very, very, VERY expensive time of the year. In order to prove to one another that their relationship is fine and they are not at all overcompensating, people in relationships feel obligated to spend exorbitant amounts of money on gifts. With jewelry priced in the thousands of dollars, Valentine’s Day certainly sends many into crippling, catastrophic debt. WHAT DOES THAT SOUND LIKE?

 

#4. Valentine’s Day is good for the economy

You might be wondering, “Hey…what’s wrong with that?” If people are spending lots of money at retail for Valentine’s Day, it allows businesses to thrive. They can hire more workers, pay their employees better, give them benefits, etc.

Notice that last part? If the economy thrives, partly due to Valentine’s Day spending, more people will be able to have affordable health insurance. It will allow Obamacare to be a successful government program. Even if it’s good for the economy, it’s bad for America. After all, 100% of those enrolled in Obamacare WILL die.

 

#5. Valentine’s Day is an elaborate scheme to send foreign aid to Luxembourg

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, somebody at a marketing firm once said. As a result, diamonds are incredibly popular on Valentine’s Day. Where do all these diamonds come from? The vast majority of the world’s diamonds sold come from DeBeers, a company based in the country of Luxembourg.

Never heard of Luxembourg? Neither have I, but it sounds weird so it is probably in the Middle East. That means we are giving money to the people who want to attack us! Valentine’s Day is a conduit for terrorism.

 

#6. Valentine’s Day makes Michelle Obama grow stronger

For the (slightly) more budget-conscious Valentine’s Day victim, chocolate is a standard gift. It is delicious and indulgent…only it makes you fat. First Lady Michelle Obama harnesses the power of America’s obese and feeds off that energy. How do I know this? Why else would she tell kids to eat healthy and exercise? Americans hate being told what to do; they are just going to get fatter as a result to throw it back in her face! Do not give Michelle Obama more power.

 

#7. Valentine’s Day causes you to long for the color blue

During Valentine’s season, it’s nothing but the color red. Red boxes, red bows, red everything! Personally, I love the color red. It is the color of conservatism in America and the color of personal liberty as long as you are a heteronormative white male.

But even a great American patriot like myself gets sick of the color red this time of the year. I catch myself wanting to look at the color blue instead just for a change of pace…which is exactly what the Democrats want. It’s called subliminal messaging. You want BLUE in your life so you will vote for Democrats!

 

#8. Valentine’s Day undermines the patriarchy

Remember the good old days when women made dinner for their husbands and only slept in their bed when they wanted to make a baby? Valentine’s Day completely undoes this, the American dream, by making it mandatory for men to do nice things for women. What’s next? We’re going to be “ready for Hillary” all of a sudden and have a female President? We are going to stop blaming women who are victims of sexual abuse? What an awful world that would be!