Halloween has been an issue for Christians for a long time, but Pastor Gregory has a solution: your children can celebrate Halloween without fear… all we have to do is make Halloween about Jesus Christ!
Luckily, Christians are really good at this kind of thing. They have been doing it for a long time. They took the Pagan December 25th Holiday Saturnalia and decided it REALLY is a celebration of the birth of Jesus! They took the Pagan spring festival, and decided it was REALLY about the resurrection of Jesus! So why not do the same thing for Halloween?
So for all you Christians who are saying, “How can I make it OK for my children to enjoy Halloween?” Pastor Gregory has an answer:
“What does the transfiguration of Jesus have to do with dressing up and October 31st? That’s the beautiful thing about Christian holidays… IT LITERALLY DOES NOT MATTER!”
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In an exclusive leak to Liberal Bias, I have received information regarding how several current and former members of Congress are going to dress up as on Halloween night. If you spot them in Washington D.C. or in their state or district on Thursday, give them a piece of your mind.
Unless if you’re dressed like a zombie, in which case go home, clean yourself off, and think about what you’re doing.
1. Ted Cruz as THE TOXIC AVENGER
According to my source, there was never any doubt that Cruz was going to dress as the title character of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 cult classic. Not only does he consider himself to be a “toxic avenger” because he was willing to poison the entire government in order to shut down Obamacare, he doesn’t even have to wear face makeup! The natural droopiness of his face did most of the work for him.
2. Mitch McConnell as FRANKLIN
At the request of one of his constituents, McConnell, desperate in his quest to retain his seat in the Senate despite disastrous approval ratings in his home state of Kentucky, is finally acknowledging the fact that he kind of looks like a turtle. He is dressing up as Franklin this year, a much cuter humanoid turtle than Toby Turtle from the movie Robin Hood, a movie that celebrates the redistribution of wealth.
3. Paul Ryan as KERMIT THE FROG
Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican “going green” this year. Ryan had a lot of options this year; his infamous gym photoshoot made this particular reporter think he would dress like the video game character Ness from Earthbound and Super Smash Brothers. Instead, he is deciding to put on green body paint and become a Muppet. Or maybe he has always been one. Have you ever seen Paul Ryan and a Muppet in the same room? Exactly. You don’t know.
4. Kyrsten Sinema as JYNX
After voting to fund the government while defunding and/or delaying Obamacare, Kyrsten Sinema, the freshmen congresswoman from Arizona, is under a lot of fire. Her district, containing Arizona State University, is one of the stronger Democrat party areas in the otherwise patriotic state. To help turn the tides back in her favor as she prepares to run for re-election, she is planning to dress up like a Pokemon for Halloween. The Nintendo video game franchise is still very hip and cool among the teens these days, so she hopes this will win over student voters.
5. Michele Bachmann as JAMIE LEE CURTIS
Not to be outdone by the Muslim on Community, Michele Bachmann is dressing up like Jamie Lee Curtis this Halloween at the request of her husband. My source says Marcus Bachmann became obsessed with the Activia spokesperson when he heard a rumor that Jamie Lee Curtis was born with both male and female sex organs.
6. Jeff Sessions as BIG BOY PICKLES
Alabama senator Jeff Sessions is almost as conservative as I am, which is why it shocks me that he’s participating in Halloween in the first place. It’s no secret that Sessions looks like an adorable baby, which is why I’m even more shocked that he’s dressing up like an ugly baby. Big Boy Pickles from the Rugrats episode Angelica’s Worst Nightmare, scarred millions of children by being the most disturbing, horrifying baby you’ve ever seen. It almost made me rethink my strong pro-life stance.
7. John McCain as MAVERICK
For the 30th year in a row, John McCain is putting on the costume of his favorite Top Gun character. Personally, I think this Republican In Name Only should dress like Goose. Urban Dictionary defines the word goose as “A highly territorial bird, a nuisance around parks, if you get too close they will hiss and chase you away.” Sounds right to me.
8. Newt Gingrich as SLUTTY NEWT GINGRICH
It’s a common occurrence around the country for girls to use Halloween as an excuse to show ungodly body parts to the public, including but not limited to their ankles. Newt Gingrich, according to my source, has decided to join in on the fun. He has not decided how he is going to dress up; in fact, he’s not sure if he has to at all. According to my source, Gingrich feels that cheating on your first wife with your second wife and cheating on your cancer-ridden second wife with your third wife is enough.
9. Hillary Clinton as LESLIE KNOPE
To show her admiration of comedian Amy Poehler, who portrayed Clinton on NBC’s Saturday Night Live, Hillary Clinton is going to costume herself as the main character of Parks and Recreation. One of the defining characteristics of Leslie Knope is that she loves Hillary Clinton and wears pantsuits to model herself like her. The only person who loves Hillary Clinton more than Leslie Knope is Hillary Clinton herself, so this is a no-brainer.
10. Rand Paul as AN ABOLISHED FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
Randal Howard Paul, was defunded October 31, 2013 at the age of 50. Paul was the junior United States Senator for Kentucky and an advocate for term limits, a balanced budget amendment, and a widespread reduction of federal spending and taxation. He is survived by his father, former U.S. Representative and presidential candidate Ron Paul of Texas, and his three children, William, Robert, and Duncan.
11. Joe Biden as DITTO
Somebody told Joe Biden that he could be anything for Halloween, so he decided to become everything for Halloween.
As usual, the incredibly irrational, spookishly socialist, and frighteningly foolish Halloween “holiday” has taken over the month of October! This silly mess of a holiday is a liberal attack on the Christian faith, not to mention a sales pitch for the socialist agenda as our dearly beloved children run around the streets of our suburban neighborhoods asking for candy-HAND-OUTS!
“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Genesis 3:7)
There is a 6,000 year old Christian tradition of wearing loincloths, and what better way to celebrate this random day of the year but by dressing up as the first human beings God created! There are few things more Christian than Adam, after all it was his sperm that populated the whole Earth!
(Speaking of sperm: be careful when choosing this costume, because there is a chance that if you are a guy and you dress up in nothing but a loincloth it might come across as really, really, really, really, really, really gay… which is clearly not how God intended it.)
“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” (Ephesians 6:11-12)
Here’s an easy one, dress up with God’s armor! Grab yourself a shield with a cross on it, some sweet boots, and a big sword. Prepare yourself for battle; we all know there will be copious amounts of sorcery on the streets of your suburb this October 31st… you can be the warrior that defends Jesus by fighting off the occult!
“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (Proverbs 31:17)
Listen up ladies! Chug a few protein shakes, hit the gym a few days a week, and start prepping yourself to be the godly and muscular woman you were created to be! A great wholesome costume for the family, especially one your husband will enjoy.
“Put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban.” (Job 29:14I)
Job had the great idea to put on righteousness and justice as his rob, and you can do the same! If I were you, I’d portray justice with a few Mitt Romney stickers and righteousness with a giant wedding ring, after all it’s traditional heterosexual monogamous families that matter this season!
“Buy gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” (Revelation 3:18)
What better way to celebrate the end of October than with the End Times? Pull off the bed sheets and wrap your naked self with the beauty of white silk! I’ve seen some killer eye paint used for salve before too – check out Pinterest for some tricks and tips, if you’ve never worked with salve before it can be kind of tricky.
Dressed in white sheets and eye paint, some uneducated heathens will probably think that you are just dressed up as a ghost or a ghoul… but you will know better: you are dressed in the End-Times Garb that God intended!
If you’re wanting that old fashion disciple look, you could go with Jesus’ fashion advice:
“But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” (Luke 22:36)
A costume that involves a purse, a bag, and a sword but no cloak might seem a little questionable… but don’t worry, Jesus said it was ok.
Amidst all these great ideas, the Word of God is also very clear on what not to do! So as you and your traditional family decide what to wear on October 31st don’t forget to abide by these Biblical commandments:
NOTHING EXPENSIVE! “Likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Timothy 2:9).
DO NOT WEAR DRAG! “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s cloak, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 22:5).
DO NOT GET GORY! “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord” (Leviticus 19:28).
DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING PRE-MADE! “Do not wear costumes woven of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19:19). This covers almost any store-bought costumes.
Halloween is a dirty pagan mess of sorcery and witchcraft, but you can still celebrate it the Lord’s way. Just make sure to follow God’s rules about how to dress up… and then go kill some witches (Exodus 22:18)!
Your children shouldn’t look forward to Halloween, they should be terrified of it. Instead of going out “trick or treating” and dressing up, they should beg you to stay home and read the Bible.
Why? The children’s book “Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy: A Child’s Book about Satanic Ritual Abuse” by Doris Sanford will explain it all for you. You should share this with your child, so that he will be so horrified by the idea of Halloween he will beg you to stay home and recite the Lord’s Prayer on October 31st instead of participating in the evil soul-destroying bloodbath that Halloween represents.
Incidentally, the vast Left-Wing Conspiracy wants you to believe that there is no such thing as Satanic ritual child abuse. Their so-called “academics” and “experts” have published numerous books claiming that the idea that Satanists steal children on Halloween to perform Satanic rituals is an urban myth and a hoax. For example: “Making Monsters” by Ofshe and Watters; “Satanic Panic: The Creation of a Contemporary Legend” by Victor; and “Satan’s Underground” by Lauren Stratford. All of these books claim that Satanist Liberals are NOT hell-bent (literally) on stealing your children on Halloween and turning them into disgusting perverted bloody ritual play-things.
BUT CAN YOU REALLY TRUST ANTI-GOD LIBERAL ELITES????
No, I thought not.
It’s much safer to just be scared… very scared… of Halloween.