Republicans Excited to Learn Hacking Works, Even if Torture Doesn’t

Hackers and the Republican Party

Sony’s decision to cancel the release of its controversial movie The Interview following threats from North Korean hackers prompted quick reactions from Republicans. Mitt Romney, the party’s 2012 nominee, tweeted: “.@SonyPictures don’t cave, fight: release @TheInterview free online globally. Ask viewers for voluntary $5 contribution to fight #Ebola.”

But other Republicans, still reeling from several days of embarrassing revelations about the depravity, illegality and inefficacy of the Bush-Cheney era’s torture policies, saw opportunities to use hacking to achieve a variety of goals… especially in cases where torture wasn’t an option.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney told Fox News: “Hacking is the worst kind of 21st Century war crime. But I’d do it in a minute to stop movies from telling people about my torture policies.”

Paul Ryan insisted that “legitimate hacking,” when done by shady GOP operatives, was still OK: “If it’s like that time Karl Rove tried to take control of voting machines in Ohio, then I didn’t have a problem,” he said.

Sarah Palin tweeted: “Hacking is how we baptize our enemies’ computers.” When later asked if she understood what hacking was, Palin said: “Something I would use on ‘gotcha’ journalists who seek to destroy us.”

Rand Paul took to a CNET message board to ask if there was “any way to erase all traces of a speech I just plagiarized from the internet (after I’m done cutting and pasting, of course).”

Marco Rubio, meanwhile, was forced to deny that the new bio that had recently appeared on the official Senate website was the work of hackers he had hired: “If it says I arrived in America on Jack Sparrow’s pirate ship, it must be true,” he told CNN.

Senator Ted Cruz said: “We live in a new age of cybercrime in which hackers seek to destroy the US economy and bring our government to its knees. If there’s any hacker out there who would like to be my 2016 running mate, give me a call. We obviously have similar goals.”

President Obama, meanwhile, advised Americans simply to go to the movies this weekend, which Republicans will no doubt claim sounds very un-presidential.

Jesus teams up with Steve Jobs for the greatest hacking stunt of all time

I am convinced that Jesus took the life of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs for one reason and one reason only: Heavenly computer training.

Jesus is a Hacker

With the long declared Biblical prophecy on Obamacare (“Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it.” -Luke 17:33) it should be clear to Christians that health care of any kind is an absurdly Satanic idea.

Jesus calls us to “come and die,” not to be plugged into big-government systems that force us to live. As the Hebrew Prophets in the Old Testament often repeat, we serve a “Jealous God” who desperately wants Born Again Christians with Him in our supernatural Heavenly home… not alive here on earth.

So, guided by the mischievous Holy Spirit, Christians around the world have been praying since Obama’s first term that he would be stopped.

And shortly after millions began praying…. Jesus called his son Steve Jobs home!

Jobs, the brilliant visionary of the greatest computer company in the world, has undoubtedly been assisting the legions of Angels to rain the wrath of the Father onto Healthcare.gov.

Recent reports have revealed that the Obamacare website has been attacked at least 16 times by hackers and cyber attacks. The HealthCare.gov site has apparently been the victim of “distributed denial of service” (DDoS) attacks. Who do you think that was?

That’s right: God, Jesus, and Steve Jobs.

And their efforts have been working wonderfully. 40 million Americans were supposedly predicted to benefit from the online program, but less than a few thousand have actually signed up.

Obviously Steve Jobs and Jesus’ angels are busy setting up DDoS attacks, packet sniffers, trojan horses, viruses, worms, and back-door entry codes. Like a winged  cyber-brigade, like supernatural version of the hacker group Anonymous, they are all focusing their omnipotent powers on one and only one thing: the destruction of the miserable anti-Christian health care website HealthCare.gov!

Of course, don’t think Satan isn’t also working his feisty antics: the world watched as House Speaker John Boehner was able to log into the website in a matter of seconds and receive quality affordable healthcare. How embarrassing.

But God is in control, and will reign supreme… with the help of Steve Jobs, of course. We have seen the work of God previously when he destroyed the hedonistic website Myspace. Now, we are seeing a far greater move of God.

The breakdown of the health care website is a clear sign that Christianity is taking over this country once again, that the dreams of our founding fathers will emerge, and that the power of prayer is far greater than any attempt at redistributing wealth to care for the sick and dying.

Keep fighting and: “do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6).

Happy Thanksgiving!