Last Sunday, the pinkos at the BBC held a posh little get-together to announce the next title character on their flagship television series: Doctor Who.
In case you are a patriot, and therefore don’t know anything about foreign stuff, Doctor Who is a television show that is basically an amalgamation of James Bond and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. It is a blasphemous celebration of Satanism (see: The Satan Pit), pansexuality (see: Captain Jack Harkness), beastiality (Harkness, again), and a universe where everything exists except the Christian God.
Fans of Doctor Who, mostly congregated on the homosexual pornography website Tumblr, have been speculating for months over who would be chosen to replace current star, Matt Smith. Since the role has been played by white men for the last fifty years, one politically correct Tumblr user expressed the hope that this time a black lesbian with a tail should take over the role.
This request received over 150,000 “notes” on the site, most of which came after another user pinned their illustration of former Doctor Who star David Tennant rubbing his phallus on Dalek. I should point out that the Daleks are portrayed in a terribly biased way, but are really the most amicable characters on the show.
Fans were deeply saddened, but not surprised, when the show announced that Peter Capaldi, another white male, would be the new star. This happily reaffirms that the institutional discrimination against white men really can be overcome as long as white men fight hard enough!
However, that said, this is still not welcome news, my fellow patriots. You see…Peter Capaldi is still British …. and more importantly, not at all American!
It just doesn’t make sense. Why would the BBC want to make the main character of a popular television show… a foreigner?
Of course, there have been some noble attempts to cast an American as the hero of Doctor Who. Steven Spielberg took a crack at the show in the 1990s, and director David Yates tried to make a Hollywood film based on the franchise. But none of these attempts was ever entirely successful.
Why not? Is it because of the deep jealousy that the British have that their “spinoff country” has been consistently beating them in the ratings for over two centuries?
Or is it because Hollywood is run by LIBERALS?
The anti-American liberal agenda is clearly driving the entertainment industry away from casting hardworking Americans, who every day move to Los Angeles and pull themselves up by their bootstraps only to have their dreams crushed by the redcoats taking our jobs.
Doctor Who may be a British production, but … actually, how did we even allow that to happen in the first place?
It’s illegal to bring Cuban cigars into the United States, so why do we let the British infiltrate our number one export, television entertainment, with their timey wimey spaceman malarkey?
And while this foreign Doctor Who continues to gain a foothold in America, much like the creeping rise of Islamic radicalism, what is President Obama doing to protect our own economy and jobs?
This year, for the Fourth of July, I decided to infiltrate a liberal Independence Day celebration to see what happens when you mix patriotism with LIBERAL BIAS.
It was obvious that it was a liberal party, even though supposedly it was to celebrate the birth of this great nation. People were swimming in the pool, but nobody was wearing American flag patterns on their swimsuits. They were grilling the most terrible lame tofu vegetarian stuff, instead of dead flesh, like real Americans eat. Plus, absolutely nobody was reading from the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. It was a horrible experience.
So I decided to stir things up a little bit by grabbing a beer, and yelling, “America is the best country in the world! Today is about celebrating the fact that we’re the only country where there is real FREEDOM! YEE-HAW!”
Instead of the usual applauds, cheers, and offers of sex that usually come as a response to this kind of talk, I was met with curious looks, and one person said, “Well, actually… most Western European countries are pretty free these days…”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, defending the honor of my country. “Besides, even if it’s true now, America was the first country to have a government by the people! We invented elections!!”
At this point, most people realized that I was right and so turned away to go back to other things. However, I could tell that a couple of these liberals at this party were just itching for a fight. Some guy wearing a Hawaiian-looking shirt said: “Actually, elections have been around a really long time. I mean, didn’t they have elections in the Roman empire back in like 900 AD?”
“Yeah,” piped up some other scrawny-looking guy, probably educated in some kind of fancy university. “The nobles elected the emperor. Which really wasn’t that different from the early elections here in the United States, where only white male land-owners could vote.”
“Shut up! I don’t believe that,” I cleverly replied, “And besides, even if that’s true, those were still elected monarchs who could do anything at all to the people! The United States invented due process, and the idea that you can’t just lock people up for no reason!!! That’s why America is the BEST!!!”
Then some hippie-looking chick, probably one of those feminists, totally got in my face and was all, “Actually, that was the Magna Carta, in 1297. It said that nobody could be imprisoned or arrested or punished without being accused of a crime and being given a trial. In fact, the Founding Fathers of the United States specifically stole the Fifth Amendment from the Magna Carta.”
“I don’t believe that!!” I said, like any proud American would. “Besides, America invented other stuff! We have the free market!” I continued, “America invented capitalism!”
“Actually,” said some other whiny liberal in the crowd, “There have been cities in Europe going back as far as the thirteenth century that guaranteed that anyone living there was free to buy and sell whatever goods they chose. It was written into the town charters of many Medieval cities!”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, taking another swig of beer. “Besides, even if that’s true, they still didn’t have freedom of speech! America invented freedom of speech!”
“Actually, didn’t Sweden abolish censorship in 1766?” asked some foreign-looking guy drinking a Margarita.
“That’s right,” said a person standing next to him, “And Denmark and Norway in 1770.”
“Shut up! Shut up, shut up shut up! I don’t believe any of that!” I yelled, turning around to face the other direction, so those liberals who had just spoken would know that they were wrong.
June 25th, 2013 was a historic day in America: it was the day the Supreme Court decided that there is officially NO SUCH THING AS RACISM in America! We can all rejoice.
Now, with the Voting Rights Act effectively killed, every single state in the union is allowed to make any changes they want to their voting rules, policies and procedures without any kind of regulation or review. Any changes they want.
“What kinds of changes?” you say. Well, it’s funny that you ask. I turned to Twitter with my suggestions, using the hashtag #postVRAvotinglaws, and found that a lot of people had suggestions of their own.
ADD YOUR OWN IDEAS: Make sure to tweet your own suggestions using #postVRAvotinglaws, and the best ones will be added here!
TOP #postVRAvotinglaws TWEETS
#postVRAvotinglaws In Ohio voters can’t have been convicted of a crime, receive food stamps or Medicaid, or have ironic facial hair.
Now, some people might say: Was Jesus really against nudity and swearing? Where in the Bible does it say that that television should not have swear words or nudity?
Well, I’m glad that you asked.
Consider Ephesians 4:29, where God speaks through the Apostle Paul: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (King James Version)
As good, upstanding Christians, the question we must ask is this: Does calling someone a tit-fucking cock-sucking piss-fuck piece of shit minister grace unto the hearers?
Tsk tsk tsk. I think not.
And the Psalmist says, “may the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing to you oh Lord”.
If God is anything like me—and I think He is—then He most certainly does not find that kind of potty-mouth talk pleasing!
Now, consider Matthew 5, where Jesus says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Obviously, if we allow public television to broadcast nudity, it is basically asking every man in America to commit adultery! And what about our children? Does the FCC want our children to be forced to commit (mental) adultery, too? That’s disgusting.
And this is only the beginning. As Jesus continues his teaching on lust and sexuality, he says,
“If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.”
Could this possibly be any more clear? If you believe in the Bible, and you understand it to be God’s inspired and infallible Word, you cannot ignore or deny passages like this. By asking you to listen to cuss words and watch nudity, the FCC is basically demanding that you TEAR OUT YOUR OWN EYEBALLS!
Is that really what you want?
So don’t be blinded by the liberal view of Jesus. He is not a pacifist, Earth loving, hippie: Jesus was a rough, tough, and powerful God-man! His words spoke like a sword piercing the darkness. As articulated by the very wise Pastor Mark Driscoll:
“Some emergent types [want] to recast Jesus as a limp-wrist hippie in a dress with a lot of product in His hair, who drank decaf and made pithy Zen statements about life while shopping for the perfect pair of shoes. In Revelation, Jesus is a pride fighter with a tattoo down His leg, a sword in His hand and the commitment to make someone bleed. That is a guy I can worship. I cannot worship the hippie, diaper, halo Christ because I cannot worship a guy I can beat up.”
This is a true, conservative vision of Christ. A masculine Christ.
And everyone knows, a truly masculine Jesus wouldn’t want to hear naughty words or see lady bits on the television!
For the sake of our families, for the sake of our Nation, we must stand up and take action against the FCC in their recent attempts at allowing vulgarity and nudity to rule the airwaves.
Everybody is expecting the Supreme Court to rule on Marriage Equality within the next week. Nobody knows what they will decide… but at least I can tell you what our Republican leaders will be thinking.
If the Supreme Court rules to support same-sex marriage, even in part, we know what Republicans will think…
“God will be upset with America, and no doubt there will be tornadoes in Oklahoma and hurricanes in the Gulf as punishment.”
“This is totally bogus! A man can marry another man, but I still can’t marry my gun!”
“We have instructed ALEC to create a Stand Your Ground so you can shoot a guy you thought was gonna try to gay marry you.
“Maybe gay marriage isn’t in the Constitution, but you just go to Leviticus. That’s what Thomas Jefferson would do.”
“The way my dog explained this to me is that now he and I have to get married. I warned you people this would happen.”
“None of the Founders were gay married, so no one should be able to get gay married now.”
“I’m sick of decisions upholding Obama’s agenda. The Founders didn’t let women vote, so why they allowed on my Supreme Court?”
“All that legal mumbo jumbo to justify what we know is wrong. The Founding Fathers weren’t lawyers, so why are lawyers in charge now?!”
“WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME???”
Of course, it is always possible that the decision will go the other way, and that DOMA and Proposition 8 will both be upheld. In that case, it is also clear what our Republican leaders will be thinking…
“I’m sure relieved the 14th Amendment doesn’t apply to gays!”
“This is a great day. Our 1st Amendment right to have a Christian theocracy has been upheld.”
“I hope the Boy Scouts see this and go back to banning gay scouts, because only straight boys deserve to get life lessons.”
“Great news! Let’s all go to Chick-fil-A!”
“This gives me great hope that God will also get the Senate and Obama to overturn Obamacare too.”
I went undercover as a college Democrat to see first-hand what goes on in these liberal indoctrination camps, or “universities”. It was a traumatic experience that could have changed me forever.
Last September, the editor of LiberalBias.com contacted me about this assignment. My task was to pretend to be a liberal college student, so that I could pursue a dangerous information-gathering mission: understanding what really goes on in the mind of today’s young progressive.
It was a frightening assignment, but not insurmountable. I admit that at the beginning, I did not understand the mindset of the liberals, who seem to think a normal person would want to do sex things with a butt, which is almost as baffling as the idea that “economics” is some kind of “science” like the “theory” of “evolution” or “outer space”.
That said, I had faith in my ability to blend in; after all, God cursed me and my family by giving me the ability to tan, a trait not shared by His white middle-eastern son.
My first step was to infiltrate the Young Democrats, a corrupt syndicate of students known for rabble-rousing in the local community, spreading the lies they learn at the state-funded re-education camp they call a school. When I went to their first meeting on the first Friday of October, there were mere weeks left in the 2012 campaign.
The school, which will not be named lest Dictator Obama use it as an excuse to strike me down like Janet Reno did to God’s heroes in Waco, is located in Arizona’s most competitive legislative district on both a local and national level. Even the state and county-wide races were close. Jeff Flake vs. Richard Carmona for Senate and Joe Arpaio (♥) vs. Paul Penzone for Maricopa County Sheriff, were especially tight, although the state came to its senses and shut down Obama’s army of pinko-commie fascists.
But anyway, I digress.
Every Friday the meetings would start the same way. These hoodlums would gather in a science building on the south side of campus. Names of famous liberals, such as Charles Darwin, Galileo Galilei, and Bill Nye the Science Guy, were carved into the building, making it the perfect place for enemies of freedom to congregate.
The President of the club, who from now on I will refer to as Dora the Explorer (she’s one of those Mexicans), would stand in front of the room and conduct the meeting like an informal hippie courtroom. Every member of the club would introduce themselves, stating their name and major, as well as an answer to a silly question, typically stolen straight from the pit of Hell, commonly referred to as Reddit.
After everybody shared laughs about which Fox News host they’d want most to see do a belly-flop, members of the club would make outside announcements about various political action/terrorist organizations they were shilling for. Planned Parenthood, GLSEN, Human Rights Campaign, Urban Outfitters, some really nasty work.
Dora would then make announcements of her own, either about activities that sounded like they were pulled from a church bulletin (by that, I mean they were AWESOME!!!!!!) or about canvassing and phone banking events that all members would be guilt-tripped into participating in at least twice that month.
For those who are not aware, canvassing and phone banking are methods of getting the word out to voters about candidates and where to vote. Canvassing is the act of knocking door to door with flyers, talking to registered voters whose names and addresses are provided on lists. Phone banking is the same concept, but applied to landline telephones. I had no idea what most of the liberals around me were talking about when they said that “people don’t use landlines anymore.” That’s ridiculous. What else would they use? Walkie talkies?
I went to every volunteer event, making sure I was as annoying as I could be to these lousy liberal voters. This was not easy; the more insincere and off-putting I was, the more they were willing to engage with me. I didn’t understand.
Other than President Dora and myself, there was only one other person who participated in every canvass and phone banking session. His nickname, and I’m not kidding, was Boots. I was hanging out with Dora and Boots.
Despite my absolute loathing of these two, I couldn’t help but feel like I was living somebody else’s dream. Of course, in my teen years I preferred the far less ethnic Playhouse Disney to Nick Jr., but I understood the appeal of Dora the Explorer, and I never quite understood why. Now, I finally figured it out. Boots was a conservative! He was secretly the President of the school’s Libertarian club, gathering information to use against the Democrats. I became his Karl Rove and he became my Lee Atwater. It was magical. I’ll never forget my first ti…
Whoops, I went off track again. Probably has something to do with those “juice boxes” that some freshman served me during a game of ping pong ball.
Anyway, the main event at Young Democrats meetings would be when members would air out their grievances with Republicans, naming conservatives that did “bad” things this week.
Common mentions included Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Rand Paul, and other defenders of freedom who have never done anything wrong and are beloved by everybody who uses the brain in their heart. After being catty, they would point their thumbs at the projector in the room and scream “Boo!”
Despite all that, I found that these college students were, dare I say, not too different from myself. I was even surprised to find that most of them were God-fearing Christians like myself, and were actively involved in their Church.
Some of them were even pro-life, which did not make sense to me. If they were liberals who didn’t want to kill baby Jesus, then what made them liberals at all?
I began to be very confused. When I began this journey, I didn’t understand why liberals thought the way they do. After two months of role-playing as a Young Democrat, I realized that I don’t even know what liberals think!
Are they liberal because they are ethnic? Are they liberal because they care about poor people? Are they liberal because they love sodomy? There seemed to be no one right answer. It’s almost as if liberals are not a homogenized group!
This, I must say, was the most frightening discovery of all–and it also could have been the seed of my undoing. I began to believe that liberals are all complex, unique individuals with a wide variety of beliefs and desires.
Well, luckily I was elected President of the club in December, and was able to dismantle it entirely by January. We can’t have dangerous stuff like that floating around.
I’m a radical first amendment advocate. I will fight to the death to say whatever the **** I ****ing want to say. Why? Because it’s in the ****ing constitution, that’s why.
I’ve heard all of the stupid ****ing arguments from ****–****ing ****ers who want to take away my first amendment rights. But none of their ********–******** makes any ****-damn sense.
First, and most importantly, it’s in the ****ing constitution, you ****–****ing ****s. Does the constitution say “freedom of speech except for some words“? NO. Does the constitution say “freedom of speech except in some places“? NO. Therefore, any attempt to regulate my speech AT ALL is clearly a violation of my constitutional rights.
Really, that should be the end of the entire ****–********ing argument. The **** constitution is the basis of our entire **** country. Who do these ********s think they are?
Now, some ********–****s are going to say, “Hey, you don’t really NEED to use those words, do you? Why would anyone NEED to use those words?”
IT’S NOT ABOUT NEED, YOU ************–********!
When something is a RIGHT that is guaranteed in the constitution, it is not required to demonstrate a ****ing “need”! You don’t ****ing need your ****ing gay-**** marriage, but you still think that’s a right, don’t you? Well, I have a ****ing right to say whatever the **** I want to, because it’s in the ****–****ing constitution, so there’s nothing you can do about it! So **** the **** off!
Other people say, “But words can hurt!” No they ****ing can’t you stupid ****–****er!
Words don’t hurt people, it’s only people who ****ing use words the wrong ****ing way who hurt people.
Don’t blame the ****ing words, ****ers!
Plus, the answer isn’t to try to ****ing force people to not use certain ****ing words. The answer is to use MORE OF THOSE WORDS! Isn’t that obvious?? After all, if every ****ing **** in the whole ****ing **** used ****–****ing **** words all the ****ing time, then everyone would be safer.
Finally, some really ****–****ed ****–****s have argued that regulating just a few words, those words that are “especially harmful”, isn’t really that ****ing bad, and that the benefits outweigh the costs.
WHAT A LOAD OF ****ing ****–****ed ****!
It’s a slippery ****ing slope, guys. Where will it end?
If the ****ing government bans words like “****” and “****“, then what’s to stop them from banning the word “sheep” or “toaster” next?
If we allow them to ban yelling “fire” in a crowded building, what’s to stop them from banning saying the word “Christian” in public parks?
WHERE WILL IT ****ING END???
It ends here!
That’s what I ****ing say. I will not ****ing allow those ****s to ****ing regulate my First ****ing Amendment ****ing rights.
They can pry my ****ing ******** from my dead cold ****ing ****.
That is why I am a radical first amendment advocate.
And you should be, too.
P.S. This ****ing website “LiberalBias.com” better not ****ing censor my ****, or I’ll **** their **** up. Seriously. ****.
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Everyone agrees that Republicans had a messaging problem in the last election cycle. Luckily, they have found a strategy to solve that problem when addressing the gay marriage debate: just agree with all sides.
The strategy is as simple as it is genius: let those without power relay a soft, compassionate message, while those with power continue to push the conservative hard right agenda. That way, conservatives can fix the messaging by adding warm, bleeding-heart language to appeal to the liberal masses… all without actually changing any Republican policy standards.
Nowhere is this brilliant Karl Rove-ian strategy more apparent than in the current debate over marriage rights for same-sex couples. Read any headline in the liberal lame-stream media and you’ll see jubilant cries of “Prominent Republicans File Supreme Court Brief Against Proposition 8.” Yes, these “prominent” members of the Grand Old Party have bravely come out against the California ban on same-sex marriages. Liberals might think that Republican standards are changing, or that the party is somehow in disarray…. but this is all completely according to plan!
Almost all of these “prominent” Republicans are out of office and don’t really have positions of leadership in the party, but still: the messaging sounds great! We even have “high profile” Republican campaign staffers who have worked for the likes of George W. Bush and Mitt Romney signing on, even though they actively supported campaigns run on trying to ban marriages for gay couples with a federal constitutional amendment.
It really is a stroke of messaging genius—just ask Frank Luntz.
Of course, these brave conservatives who have nothing to lose since they are out office and really can’t influence the party in a substantive way can brilliantly distract from what the GOP leadership in power is actually doing.
For example, those champions of traditional values and conservative fiscal policy in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives are stepping in to defend the “Defense of Marriage Act” in the Supreme Court to the tune of over $3 million tax-payer dollars. In addition, Republicans on Capitol Hill are again attempting to change the U.S. military code with a bill introduced in the House to ban same-sex marriages on military bases after the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” The Republicans in actual positions of power even bravely held up the “Violence against Women Act” because it included provisions to protect women in same-sex relationships.
But pay no attention to the white, heterosexual man behind the curtain! Not when we can get the media to focus on the great and powerful handful of out-of-office conservatives who can “fix” the messaging by signing a court brief.
For those of us who live in Hollywood, awards season is a time of non-stop excitement. The Academy Awards, Emmys, Tony Awards, WGA Awards, SAG Awards, and of course the most dramatic of them all: the State of the Union Awards.
The ceremony for this year’s SOTU Awards was not as dramatic as it has been some years in the past, but still provided a few upsets and some unexpected surprises. Now that the red carpet has been cleaned, and the pomp and circumstance is over, it is time to review the results of America’s biggest award ceremony since the previous one.
Best Supporting Actor: Joe Biden cruised to an easy win on the “I’m just happy to be nominated” image he’s been perfecting for years. John Boehner whined to the advance press junket, “I don’t even want to be there. I’m not a character actor, I’m a leading man!” Boehner’s many critics, however, point out that there is more to being a “serious” actor than being able to cry on cue.
Best Supporting Actress: Michelle Obama received universal support for the win with no other real contender through the awards circuit. She also had the distinction of being the only person in attendance who bothered to get dressed for the evening. The standard suit and tie, military uniforms and sensible pant suits gave the pundits little to discuss during the lackluster red carpet arrivals.
Best Foreign Language Film: This always yawn-worthy category, which typically serves as a bathroom break for most viewers, was once again carried by “Immigration Reform,” though much of the nuance of the subject matter is lost in translation on an audience that is not really interested in reading a movie. An unnamed source claimed Rick Perry could be heard doggedly pushing his “Build A Bigger Wall” entry, which was not nominated.
Best Editing/Special Effects: “Energy” and the new approach it brings to film cleaned house at the technical awards, but “Big Oil” continues to pound the fledgling competition with its massive budget, over-saturated marketing campaign and familiar action-style editing.
Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Film: “Climate Change,” the only submission in this category since “Let’s Go To Space” stopped being a contender, has no real budget and continues to submit the same tired plot in a re-edited version of the same project in the hopes it will find a new audience. And funding.
Longest Running Franchise: “Taxes: Loopholes and Spending” managed to squeeze out a win over the uninspired “Jobs, Jobs and Good God We Need More Jobs” to take home the award in this category. However, with every entry exhibiting a complete lack of any long-term plot development, most critics agree that an uninterrupted camera shot of a wall of paint drying would win in this category if someone would just submit it.
Best Documentary: “Bring Our Troops Home IX” is the newest edition of the documentary series that always manages to evoke strong support for a win. Some critics are baffled that audiences have not grown bored of the concept, since the original “Bring Our Troops Home” documentary was released in 1964.
Best Adapted Screenplay: “Government: Smarter Not Bigger”, released by the Democratic Films production studio, was the clear winner in the Adapted category. Representatives of competing studios could be heard grumbling, however, that stealing a plot is not the same as adapting it.
Best Epic Film: “Entitlement Reform” continues to be the goliath here, handily winning again, but it continues to seem as though no one has actually gotten around to watching the grinding epic all the way through to find out how it ends.
Best Actress: The winner by a landslide, Hillary Clinton, was noticeably absent. Many believe she is already in pre-production for her next pet project, to be released in 2016.
Best Actor: This award was not given. In a moment of embarrassment for the entire industry, voters determined that no performance was worthy of a win.
Best Feature Film: The controversial big winner of the night was “Guns.” The tired subject made an explosive return to the ceremony, though the actual meaning of the project evokes strongly divisive responses between those who defend it as art and critics who believe it is glorified torture porn. Beloved actress Gabby Gifford came out opposed to it, apparently willing to sacrifice her future career on the altar of Jane Fonda.
Host Barack Obama: The grassroots affection which pushed him through his first several years presiding over the event has dissipated as many now believe that the “Hope and Change” sweep of 2008 was undeserved. Obama played the evening strongly toward fans of his current body of work, patronizing his critics and insulting the discerning viewer who refuses to be sold on his flash-over-plot action-style vehicles.
Notable Shutouts: Despite strong support from film festivals and young ticket buyers, “The Gays” was all but shut out. The most audible grumbling, before and after the broadcast, was from the “Tea Party” cast, producers and fans who were not even invited to present. Rand Paul, deemed unworthy of an actual nomination for his work in “Tea Party”, cheekily gave his own acceptance speech anyway.
Best Performance by A Prop: Best Male Ingénue winner Marco Rubio’s water bottle. No one remembers his acceptance speech, but the gulp heard round the world was the talk of the after parties. He may be a flash-in-the-pan Bobby Jindal waiting to happen as his career falls from studio films to cable one hour dramas.
Youth minister Greg Stevens writes an open letter to Pope Benedict XVI to thank him for his efforts to rid the world of liberal bias.
Dear Pope Benedict,
As the leader of the largest and oldest Christian tradition on planet Earth, you have tirelessly fought to bring light, joy, and peace to the human condition. You have reminded us that condoms are okay, but only when used by male prostitutes to slow the spread of HIV. You eloquently wrote that, as Christians, we should pray before each and every time we have sex. You have helped us fight against the tragic “tsunami of secular influence” by blessing the condemnation of birth control, speaking out against the feminazi nuns, and even opening a personal Twitter account to better spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
And this past December, you did it again. You have once again proven your incredible ability to lead millions of Christians in the loving, humble and beautiful way of Jesus by reminding us all that gays are a “manipulation of nature”.
As a single, 85 year old virgin, your God-inspired wisdom on relationships is absolutely vital. Yours is a voice that we Christians cherish and proclaim with great pride.
Because you couldn’t be more right in pointing out that gay marriage represents an attack on traditional marriage that is for “the exclusive profit of a tiny minority”. Jesus might have been into helping some minorities, but obviously not the “tiny” minorities.
It is also absolutely true that marriage is rooted in fiscal irresponsibility. I can only hope that the millions of dollars given by Catholics around the world this next Sunday could be used to combat such lucrative attacks on our faith.
So I wanted to reach out and thank you.
Thank you for equipping priests around the globe to model healthy relationships with women and men, but most importantly our children. After all, it is our Priests who’ve followed the Gospel of Mark’s story of Jesus so faithfully, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them…” (Mark 10:13, New International Version).
Thank you for valuing liberty and justice for all in your incredible ability to speak truth to the manipulation of love. It is love that we must speak to before we can ever begin to understand how to respond to global poverty, human slave-trade and environmental degradation. It is important to rebuke homosexuals, because maybe once they get love right, we good Christians can move on to working on other societal problems.
Thank you for holding fast to the belief in natural relationships. As believers in the Bible, we must never forget the importance of natural scientific facts. After all, sin entered this world through the deception of a talking snake.
And most of all, thank you for reminding us that same-sex, loving, and monogamous relationships are evil.
Something dreadful is happening to American politics. It isn’t the absurd boo-hurrah dynamic in the public square. It isn’t the idiotic posturing and “gotcha” dynamics of the modern media machine. Nor is it even the slimy vicissitudes of comics who pretend they aren’t commentators. You know who I’m talking about.
All these things have been around for some time, and are, in their own way, rather charming to those of us choked by the cloying goo of bien-pensant European socialism which has infected parties of all stripes and deadened public discourse.
Instead, what disturbs us about American politics today is how utterly fucking mad the Right has become in recent years. We Europeans who previously looked admiringly across the Atlantic, dreaming idly of green cards, or at least of importing some of the rugged, tooth-and-claw style capitalism that we imagined had made the US the greatest country on earth, now look on in mild terror at the unmitigated car crash that is the Republican Party.
The rot probably, perhaps predictably, set in with an unknown governor of a distant state, whose selection as John McCain’s running mate in 2008 catapulted what might previously have been written off as peculiar and parochial politics onto the national stage. Angry, demotic intellectual lightweights were legitimised overnight.
Of course, Sarah Palin is a delightful figure to celebrate, because, like the President whose successor she hoped to serve, she had an almost preternatural ability to wind up the humourless, fact-obsessed bores of the Left. Our own Margaret Thatcher still, even in her twilight years, has much the same power, which is, I am convinced, the primary reason the British Right still adores her.
But Palin was not an injection of youthful energy into a tired establishment. She was the opposite: an admission of desperation by the GOP, an abnegation of responsibility. Sarah Palin was a Republican cry for help. And the loony political landscape she helped to construct during that campaign has dealt a serious blow to conservatives everywhere.
All we want, here in Europe, is to be able to point to the US and say: “Look! These people want to crush the poor and eradicate public spending on healthcare and privatise schools and sell guns to third-world dictators and take a scythe to welfare programs (excuse me while I change my trousers and mop my brow) … but they built America! And eradicated slavery! And created the best gosh-darn nation in the goddamn world!”
But we can’t, any more. And it’s the fault of hair-raising harpies like Michele Bachmann and tub-thumping lunatics and bores and oddballs like everyone who ran for the Republican nomination this year. “Must it really be – holds nose – Mitt Romney?” wrote James Delingpole, the soundest commentator in the UK. He said what we were all thinking.
It’s as much how you say it, as what you say. Thus, Romney appears to have been chosen for no better reason than he was the least weird of the GOP candidates. That’s right: the perma-tanned, Barbie-wifed, mega-rich Mormon was the least weird person the Republicans could come up with. To those Lefties who bleat on about a vast, Koch-sponsored conspiracy across government and industry, you have to say: “OK, but… the Republicans couldn’t field a single credible candidate.”
The reason I’m so furious about all of this is that we used to look to America as a symbol of how politics ought to be done, and how debate on the Right ought to proceed in particular. But instead of flying the flag for military intervention (yay!), tax cuts for the rich (yay!) and privatised healthcare (double yay!) the American Right has become a liability to the rest of us.
No longer can the Tories in England point to the GOP and say: “Check those bitches out. Look at them. Don’t you want to be like America, with all the wealth and consumption and brilliant warmongering and global policing and moral superiority and cultural hegemony and all the other wonderful things and Oh! My! God! have you heard The Star Spangled Banner?”
Instead, we find ourselves making excuses for Republicans. We distance ourselves from them, and hope that the liberal media – the genuinely liberal media, which enjoys almost complete power in Europe, unlike the attractive polarity of the American TV and talk radio landscape and, ye Gods, Rachel Maddow – don’t lay the guilt by association stuff on too thickly.
It was all fine and dandy when American conservatives were simply fiercely conservative. But since they leapt off the deep end, and the Tea Party began to look more and more like the authentic voice of the Republican Party, we desperate, outnumbered, endangered European Right-wingers are stepping back and laughing along with the rest.
The Right in the US, in its anger and desperation (traditionally liberal qualities), is now making the same mistakes as its enemies: alienating the majority of moderate voters with shrill battle cries. The global warming lobby screwed up by making too many outrageous claims in too hysterical a tone. Now Right-wingers are doing the same with their (otherwise absolutely brilliant) economic arguments.
Come on, America. You used to be good at this stuff.
Milo Yiannopoulos is founder and editor-in-chief of The Kernel, a European tech, media and politics magazine.
In the wake of President Obama’s electoral college blowout over Mitt Romney, conservatives have done a lot of soul searching to figure out what went wrong. Was it the fault of conservative ideology, policies, or rhetoric? Was it their unwillingness to compromise?
Or was Mitt just an awful candidate?
It’s my opinion that conservatives aren’t the problem: Mitt Romney was. To make my case, I’ve compiled a list of the top 10 awkward moments of the 2012 campaign. As you will plainly see, Mitt and his team are behind most of them.
10. That awkward moment when Mitt Romney is explaining outsourcing versus off-shoring and it’s all just layoffs to voters.
In order to defend himself from the charge of “Outsourcer-In-Chief”, the Romney campaign defended him by saying:
“This is a fundamentally flawed story that does not differentiate between domestic outsourcing versus off-shoring nor versus work done overseas to support U.S. exports,” said Romney spokeswoman Andrea Saul. [WaPo, 6/22]
Has he met the undecided voters?
Hell, if you went to a Tea Party rally, you couldn’t find two people who could explain this, besides of course the guys NOT RUNNING IT who were on the Heritage Foundation payroll..
Romney knew his business history, so not having a better answer is definitely: ROMNEY’S FAULT.
9. That awkward moment when Mitt Romney is saying that the election is all about the economy and jobs and Todd Akin starts talking about rape.
Romney called Akin’s comments “inexcusable” in an attempt to distance himself from the latest in what Democrats called the “War On Women”.
8. That awkward moment when people notice @MittRomney has been buying followers.
In the hours following the Aurora shooting, @MittRomney started getting followers. Lots and lots and lots of them, all at once. So people asked questions. It looked bad.
As a staunch conservative, of course, I don’t really mind him buying anything, unless he gets a bad ROI. However, I was disappointed that the Romney campaign didn’t use the defense I suggested:
So just because of the bad PR it got him, unless some rogue 3rd party was buying him followers, this one is also :
7. That awkward moment when Mitt Romney cites a book or study as proof of his claims and then the author tells him “you know nothing of my work!”
Repeatedly during the campaign, Mitt would cite someone to prove his point. Then, that person would take to the New York Times to say he got it wrong. Jared Diamond, Chrysler, and so on, and so on…
Romney would later try to correct this by assembling collections of sources that did agree with him. Unfortunately, the credentials he found were a bit weak.
Let’s face it: there are plenty of conservative think-tanks ready to produce any study you want to reinforce our ideology. Reading bestsellers from liberals was always a losing strategy.
So that makes this one all:
6. That awkward moment when Mitt Romney asks GOP governors in Ohio and Florida to stop saying the economy is improving.
The economy was improving in Florida, and Governor Scott wanted to take all the credit. Of course, Governor Scott certainly deserved credit: how could jobs not be created after he started asking welfare recipients for clean pee?!
This is all on Romney and Ryan. By now conservatives should know to stick to Kid Rock, Dave Mustaine, and of course the always reliable Ted Nugent.
TOTALLY ROMNEY’S FAULT.
4. That awkward moment when Mitt is campaigning on the idea that government shouldn’t do anything and a hurricane reminds people they need FEMA.
Poor Mitt! Such bad luck that America couldn’t go a whole campaign season without needing their government! First there was a hurricane during the Republican convention, and then another one a week before the election. And more than that, Gov. Christie says Obama and the government did a good job!
NOT ROMNEY’S FAULT.
Conservative ideology is right: the weather just didn’t cooperate. In the future, Republicans should push for elections to not be held during hurricane season.
3. That awkward moment when Rep. Darryl Issa holds a hearing on contraception and doesn’t invite any women.
Yes, contraception is a matter of religious freedom, protected under the First Amendment, and it makes perfect sense to only call on old male clergy to discuss it. But Rep. Issa is a committee chairman, so he should know better than to hold a hearing that won’t play well in the press, especially with voters Mitt is courting.
This is just another case where the ideology is right—clergymen should make decisions about women’s bodies—but since women get to vote, conservatives just need to remember their codewords and not do things that inflame the weaker sex.
NOT ROMNEY’S FAULT.
Not even a little. And besides, we all know Mitt is married to a nice woman, so he can’t be sexist. That’s impossible!
2. That awkward moment when Mitt Romney is fact-checked to his face by Candy Crowley.
This was so unfair—Mitt was merely repeating what Fox News told him to be true, when all of a sudden Obama please-proceed-governor-ed him, and then Crowley humiliated him.
NOT ROMNEY’S FAULT.
Jim Lehrer had led Mitt to believe he could say whatever he wanted and it would go unchallenged.
1. That awkward moment when Republicans spend a billion dollars and destroy the economy and the black guy wins anyway.
The jury is in! Most of the problems with this campaign were clearly Mitt’s fault.
Obviously, the problem is not the conservative ideology.
So in 2016 we can continue to push the same policies in the same way and expect different results… because we’ll have a candidate who can better communicate our message. In fact we should push for more extreme policies, because America will definitely love our policies more if they are pure!
Hollywood correspondent Emerson Collins sums up the most dangerous sources of liberal bias coming out of the Industrial-Entertainment Complex this year… as well as a few conservative successes!
10. Zero Dark Thirty
This liberal retelling of our patriots bringing down Osama Bin Laden makes it seem as though Obama and some lowly female CIA analyst just went out and found Bin Laden by themselves. Without the years of work by President George W. Bush, a true conservative, and the CIA, the FBI and Homeland Security, President Hussein Obama would not have been able to do his figurehead duty and allow the Seals to get on with doing their job. This film does a tragic disservice to conservative America and the tireless work of the military-industrial complex.
Anyone familiar with the actual Iran Hostage Crisis will not recognize the story in this movie. Every conservative knows that it was conservative hero President Ronald Reagan’s inauguration that struck fear into Iran and ended the crisis. But in this laughable telling of Jimmy Carter’s spineless handling of the crisis, there is no mention of that. Even worse, mediocre-at-best actor Ben Affleck seems determine to preach the lie that America needed Canada’s help to save those six Americans. CANADA!? As if. Everyone knows Canada never gets anything right.
In fact, if both Canada and Jimmy Carter had just let the military do their job, our citizens would have all been back a hell of a lot faster than 444 days. Argo is a fiction. And a bad one.
8. The Sessions
This is a movie about sex therapy and surrogacy. What more needs to be said, folks? The Bible tells us everything we need to know about sex. If your parts don’t work, God doesn’t want you having sex. Period. Who are you to question God’s plan?
A “documentary” about bullying between adolescents. This is a perfect example of liberal propaganda, as though learning to roll with the punches and defend oneself isn’t a part of the process of becoming a man. If a boy doesn’t learn to stand up for himself at a young age, he’s never going to learn. Calling a boy a “bully” just because he is ready to act like a man is starting to sound like some of that “hate speech” liberals are always going on about. We should be teaching the others boys to stand up for themselves as well, so they don’t end up like the kids in this movie whining about how they cannot defend themselves. Boys will be boys. If we don’t want to turn them all into girls, we just sometimes have to let them beat on each other.
So according to this movie, human beings are the result of an accidental DNA spill by a bunch of aliens somewhere across the universe? That’s not only stupid, but it goes against the Bible. Not that those atheist liberals would know about that.
5. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax
It is truly a tragic day when a beloved children’s author’s work is overtaken by a liberal agenda to preach doom and gloom about the environment again. This liberal “cautionary tale” barely hides the fact that it loves trees more than people. They should have just titled it “Greenpeace presents Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax and We Love Plants More Than People”.
4. Les Miserables
It’s a musical. Enough said.
3. Magic Mike
Stephen Soderbergh, one of Hollywood’s most liberal “directors”, casts a bunch of male actors and writes a love letter to homosexuals. They did not even try to hide it in the marketing campaign and the costumes. Oh sure, they’ll tell you it was for women. But that’s obviously a lie. It’s real mission is to turn good, God-fearing conservative men into homosexuals.
In fact, anybody who spends a lot of time thinking about how bad homosexuality is can easily tell that this movie is meant to stir evil homosexual erotic feelings in men. It was a big gay movie, and there is no way around it. If you are a conservative man who, quite naturally, spends a lot of time worrying about homosexuality, then just watch this movie again, and you’ll be certain. Watch it really, really closely. You’ll be able to feel how disgusting and gay it is. There is no hiding it.
1. and 2. Lincoln
This movie is so obnoxiously liberal that it deserves both the first and second place. As we face the current fiscal cliff because liberals refuse to slash useless government programs, Lincoln is the worst liberal Hollywood moment of the year. You might wonder how the fiscal cliff is related to Lincoln, but that is only because the liberally biased media is covering up this story. If Lincoln had not destroyed the entire economy of the South, we wouldn’t be facing this current fiscal cliff in the first place, because the power would be in the South where it belongs. That’s what the movie Lincoln should have been about, and what it would have been about if Hollywood wasn’t so immersed in liberal bias.
Conservative Success in Hollywood in 2012
Fortunately, there were two Hollywood films that managed to overcome the liberal bias in Hollywood, even if only for a moment a two. So, to end on a positive note, we should recognize those moments as well.
Ignoring Jamie Foxx’s character’s uppity-ness for a moment, Samuel L. Jackson manages to demonstrate that many slaves were treated well, and were happy with being a productive part of the southern economy before Lincoln destroyed our nation. Bravo, Mr. Tarantino.
James Bond is the perfect conservative example of a man of action willing to do what needs to be done. Skyfall finally gets it right as Javier Bardem plays the most realistic villain ever in a Bond movie, mainly because he is a homosexual. Any good conservative knows that as long as the homos are trying to ruin the foundation of families in America, they should always be portrayed as the villains they are.
The Christmas spirit is one of love and compassion, one of hope and expectation, embodied in the life and death of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. That is why it is important to advertise Christ on all of your decorations, clothing, and bumper stickers this glorious Christmas season.
The Christmas spirit has been lost in our liberal-leaning, yet once Christian, nation. The growing quest for inclusivity have gone so far that we are now harassed for wishing someone a “Merry Christmas.” This strange cultural manipulation of Jesus’ birth celebration has lead many Christians to rightfully coin the phrase, “Keep Christ in Christmas.”
This motto of keeping Christ in the Christmas season is one that we conservatives can and should unite under. In our current political climate, especially with the re-election of Barack Hussein Obama, it is so very clear that the word “Christmas” will soon be seen as hate speech.
So this holiday season, let us remember our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the one who showed us life and life in its abundance, he showed us the only true path to salvation and revealed to us the wrath and mercy of God. As Jesus preached and saved the wicked, he undoubtedly frustrated the religious and political powers, which ultimately ended in his death – it is this radical spirit of activism that we Christians must submit ourselves to. We must stand up in civil disobedience to the liberal media and socialist politicians that are captivating our culture and transforming Christian values into the idolatrous worship of inclusivity.
Singing Christmas Carols, celebrating with family parties, adorning your car with a Christmas bumper sticker, wearing Christmas earrings, and decorating your homes and lawns and cars and trailer with the “Merry Christmas” message itself have become ways in which we as Christians can stand up against the “powers and principalities” that Paul told us we inevitably have to fight.
This year, in the flurry of cookies to bake, family to visit, and presents to exchange, remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Christ should appear on every card, every ornament, and even every gift that you give. Pictures of Christ, lamps shaped like Christ, even glowing lawn ornaments that spell out the name of Christ are ways that you can help spread the true Christmas spirit.
Some people might call it commercialism, but for conservatives it just means you are bearing the cross of Christ.