GOP: “Please help make Obamacare fail so we don’t look like idiots!”

Conservatives! Gird up your loins. We’ve reached Defcon 1 and that sound you hear is Ronald Reagan’s legacy dying! But with your help we can turn this ship around before it runs aground on the rocks of public health and fiscal sanity.

Recently, the liberal media has been cranking out positive Obamacare news items… and if this keeps up, it could be a disastrous November. Now, if you think I’m over-reacting, you haven’t fully considered how the success of Obamacare undermines the central tenet of conservatism: government ruins everything.

Think back to last December, when the healthcare.gov website was a shambles, we could pretend that young people would never sign up, and that insurance companies would go out of business or double their premiums. Obamacare was going to mean the end of the world as we know it… and it felt great!

But now, the liberally-bias media is feeding us brazenly deceptive facts like these:

More people than expected have found coverage on exchanges

Costs are lower than originally estimated

The number of uninsured is falling

The number of companies providing insurance is growing

…and worst of all…

the cost of health care for everyone is rising slower than at any time in 50 years and slower than GDP

 

I’ll be honest, guys… it looks bleak.

But do not fear!

We at LiberalBias.com have composed a list of things you can do to serve this country, and turn the news around!

 

How To Help Republicans Save Face:

Get fired from your full-time job with benefits! It’s important that we report that Obamacare has caused massive unemployment which is getting harder now that unemployment is below 6%. So, sexually harass a coworker, embezzle sloppily, “accidentally” copy customers on insulting emails or keep a vial of cocaine on your key chain. This is a two-fer since unemployment goes up and so does the number of uninsured.

Get sick or injured! Think of it as a denial of service attack on the health care system. You know, like those anonymous guys do. If insurance companies see a sudden rise in injuries and illnesses, they’ll be forced to adjust premiums upward. Go rock-climbing with no safety lines. Ride without a helmet. Drink unfiltered water in Thailand. But remember, the cause needs your vote so steer clear of Ebola, HIV, drunk driving, being Black in St. Louis and other similarly deadly pursuits. You can vote from the hospital, but not from the morgue.

Move to a state without Medicaid expansion! Especially if you’ve done one or more of the above, this is liable to really ratchet up the urgency since refusal to expand Medicaid will likely cause 7,000-17,000 preventable deaths this year. Try to fine-tune your income so that you’re just above the federal Medicaid threshold, but below the income required to find coverage on the exchanges, otherwise you’ll end up with health care coverage.

Sell your Cigna stock! This is a tricky tightrope to walk. On the one hand, we need to prop up the story that insurance companies are collapsing under the mandate to insure the uninsurable. On the other hand, it’s equally important to paint the ACA as a “giveaway” to insurance company fat-cats, which would be, um, a bad thing <wink>. On balance, I think we need to make sure to stick to the conservative message that government does everything inefficiently, unfairly and in all other ways badly. We can’t have word getting out that government meddling has improved the market for health care.

 

So there you go! This should keep you patriots busy through the midterms. Next to suppressing the vote and inventing bad Obamacare news, creating bad Obamacare news is the most important thing you can do for your country this election season.

Don’t you care about America!?

Obamacare is really embarassing the GOP, but you can help

 

Domestic US oil production has a liberal bias!

Oil. Black gold. Liquid prosperity. Conservatives know that oil is better than anything else in the earth, including water. As a result, Republicans have been working tirelessly to convince the world’s weakest iron-fisted dictator, Barack Obama, to authorize the Keystone XL pipeline and allow that sweet Canadian happiness to flow to the Gulf of Mexico, leaking jobs, tax cuts and world peace along its way.

Which is why we can’t have graphs like the one below getting out, especially this close to a midterm election which is on November 18 (minus the number of tracks on Ted Nugent’s newest album). (HA HA SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THAT WAS TO CONFUSE ST00PID LIBERALS.)

Domestic US oil production has a liberal bias!

This graph is just… misleading. For one thing, the economy stinks. Sarah Palin told us that if she were elected and we went forward with “Drill, Baby, Drill” it would bring about an Eden-like utopia of bliss and universal wealth.

But we don’t live in an Eden-like utopia, which means the factual data that oil production is up by 50% since 2008 must be incorrect.

The economy is so bad that Americans in many parts of the country are even resorting to making stuff for consumers in other countries. And employers, already beaten down by Obama’s enviro-socialist shock troops, are now suffering under more unfilled job openings than they have in 13 years.

Dreadful.  Clearly, one of the things must be true:

Either A, Obama has happily been increasing domestic oil production, resulting in the lowest gas prices in 4 years and a booming economy.

Or B, Obama is an evil socialist dictator who can’t possibly do anything right, and the economy is terrible no matter what statistics say, and the above graph is just wrong, and your facts are stupid you dumb stupid-head.

 

Clearly, if you’re a good conservative, you have to go with B….

Border security spending graph has a liberal bias!

There’s an invasion taking place right under our noses! Armies of enemies move unimpeded across our border with Mexico, leaving a trail of Qur’ans, deadly viruses and broken dreams in their wake!

And Barack “Mom Jeans” Obama refuses to do anything about it. How hard could it possibly be to build an impenetrable 2000-mile long fence and guard every inch around the clock? If Mitt “self-deportation” Romney were President now, North Korea would be sending official visitors to marvel at the mile-wide swath of death and destruction securing us against… well, the grandparents of future Mitt Romneys.

But it’s even worse than mere incompetence. Anyone who listens to right-wing radio knows that Obama is actually deliberately increasing illegal border crossings in order to literally destroy America!

For him, every immigrant is a new Democratic voter. Luckily, we conservatives see them for what they really are: brown, possibly infected, almost certainly jihadist, invariably lazy DEMOCRAT VOTERS!

Now, some Democrats (probably illegal aliens themselves) would point to the following graph as “proof” that Obama is actually investing a great deal in securing our border:

Federal law enforcement spending graph: what about the border?

Oh, please. Are we really supposed to believe that the government spends 15 times more on keeping Mexico out than on the Agency for Trampling Freedom (ATF) whose job it is to round up peace-loving gun owners? Or that we spend more than twice the FBI’s entire budget at the border?

Nuh uh. No way. That’s not a statistic that makes sense to me. It must be wrong. I believe statistics like the fact that Obama spent 200 million dollar per day on a trip to India. Now THAT is a “statistic” I can get behind.

This other graph? It just HAS to be wrong.

La-la-la-la-la.

This graph proves that the only way to fight abortion is to call women sluts

Next to children getting food and medical care they didn’t pay for, the biggest moral failure of our great nation is abortion. Fortunately, the number of abortions in the US is falling rapidly. The following graph shows the change in the number of abortions under each of our last five Presidents.

Trend in abortions over the last five presidentsNow, if you are an unsophisticated liberal you might be fooled into thinking this graph somehow shows that liberal presidents are better than conservatives at preventing abortion. That would be ridiculous.

Luckily, you have me here to explain to you the correct way of looking at this graph. As George W. Bush taught is, “correlemation does not mean causification.” You see, even though abortions have been down under Obama, there is another factor going on that is not apparent from this graph: PUBLIC SLUT SHAMING!

Consider these recent examples of conservative stalwarts who refuse to let their poor, underrepresented white, male voices be ignored:

Rush Limbaugh: “What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex [by suggesting that college health plans should cover birth control]? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute.”

Rick Santorum advisor Foster Friess, suggesting innovative solutions to our rising health care costs: “You know, back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.”

George Will addressed the related issue of rising reports of rape: “When they make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges, victims proliferate.”

 

Obviously, if you understand the details of human nature the way conservatives do, you know that these statements must be what caused women to have fewer abortions. After all, the only thing that stops abortions is making sure women know that they are disgusting sluts and hussies if they ever want to have sex.

Of course, some liberals might suggest that there are alternative explanations for the decrease in abortions under Obama, like the fact that when programs such as those mandated under Obamacare provide free preventative healthcare it reduces the risk of abortion.

But that’s just dumb.

 

This graph of the size of government has a LIBERAL BIAS!

Total government employees during the Reagan years and during the Obama years

Liberals love big, bloated government like bears love honey. This is axiomatic like gravity or the fact that tax cuts pay for themselves. And yet, some ridiculous libtard™ posted to the twitter the pair of graphs above. The first is the number of federal employees during the golden decade (1980-1989) when freedom-loving patriots preached and followed the golden rule: Government is the problem. The second is when Obama wrecked the economy with his tax-and-spend debt-mongering designed to accelerate our decline into crony communism, poverty and Sharia Law.

This graph is stupid and liberally biased, because it might give the impression that Reagan made the government bigger and Obama made the government smaller.

The slopes of these graphs are obviously wrong. But I have discovered how to unskew these graphs, and remove the liberal bias!

You see, the notoriously left-leaning federal reserve (what could be more cliché than a liberal millionaire bank executive?) is indiscriminately treating one government employee like any other! Let’s look closer.

During the 80s, Reagan was busy stomping his jackboot into the neck of the Soviet menace. So, at least some of that employment is Marines kicking ass in Grenada and shit. This kind of employment leads to more freedom, not less, so it should obviously be subtracted from the total employment.

Moreover, we all know that Obama has hired secret off-the-book government employees to harass Tea Party patriots. You can see the obvious evidence in things like the IRS scandal and Lois Lerner. Look it up yourself, it’s not my job to do your research for you.  Anyway, these secret undercover government employees should clearly be added to total government employment under Obama.

Once we take these two factors into account–adjusting the totals in each graph using my own totally-real and not-at-all made-up estimates of Marines kicking ass in Grenada and shit (MKAIGAS’s) and the Black Ops Patriot Harassment Brigade (BOPHB), the plots look much different.

Total government employees under Reagan and Obama, unskewed with no liberal bias

As you can see, when the numbers have been carefully massaged and corrected to take into account Conservative Ideology and Truth… the legacy of Ronald Reagan remains unsullied, and Obama really has bloated the size of government!

Another liberal fiction bites the dust. <blows smoke off revolver-finger>

 

Brownbackistan is a beautiful land of the free… just be patient!

Welcome to KansasLower taxes and less regulation lead to a host of good ends—more employment, more tax revenue, fewer mosquitoes and less unattractive belly fat. That’s why it’s important to carefully parse the news coming out of Kansas recently. Sam “The Repealer” Brownback was elected governor there in 2011. Since both state houses are strongly Republican, the stage was set for a mighty Republican renaissance.

Brownback began with a 25% tax cut for the richest Kansans, erasing income taxes for small businesses and creating a new “Office of the Repealer” tasked with eliminating regulations and agencies that choke business with their insistence on preserving an ecosystem for the next generation. Even guaranteed teacher tenure fell beneath the fury of Sultan Sam’s mighty pen.

All that’s left, at this point, is to wait for blooming prosperity in Kansas to inspire legions of imitators and usher in the new era of national, Reaganesque utopia!

Kansas General Fund BalanceBut, like other brave pioneers before him, including his mentor and advisor, Art Laffer, Brownback is still facing skepticism… a mere three years in. Some of this is related to the squandering of the budget surplus Brownback inherited. Tax revenue in Kansas fell by $685 million in the first year in spite of an upward adjustment in the state sales tax, leaving the state with an annual $300 million shortfall. This led to a downgrade of the state’s credit rating by the faithless, liberal pantywaists at Moody’s.

The more squeamish Kansans have grown tired of waiting for Brownback’s new economy to bear fruit, complaining that the Kansas economy is expanding at just half the rate of its four neighbors, that Kansas still has fewer jobs than in 2008, and that poverty has increased including among children. Others traitorous covert socialists counsel Brownback and his legislature to take the mark of the beast by accepting hundreds of millions of dollars to expand Medicaid as part of Obamacare instead of treating the uninsured in emergency rooms as God intended.

GDP Growth Comparison

Patriots should arm themselves with some important facts:

FACT 1. The economy in Kansas is growing, unlike under the previous governor. What’s even more telling, the previous governor enjoyed, at least for a few years, the dynamic, freedom-infused George W. Bush economy, while Brownback has been saddled with the unquestionably sluggish and impotent Obama economy for his entire term.

FACT 2. Fiscal reforms can take a long time to come to fruition. For example, the pro-job policies of George W. Bush, such as deficit-funded tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and a tax holiday for companies with untaxed profits in offshore tax havens, led to 53 months of uninterrupted job growth… but, you know, not until Bush had been out of office for 18 months.

FACT 3. It takes time for job-creators from around the nation to relocate to Kansas. Unlike relocating wealth to the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, it can take time to get your kids into the right schools, hire a moving van, etc. We can expect job-creators to come in just 3 years. It’s not at all like when raising federal taxes encourages all the captains of industry to flee to Galt’s Gulch.

 

So, patience is the new watchword in Brownbackistan. To teachers vacuuming their own classrooms due to reduced funding for janitors, we say patience. To the 100,000 Kansans eligible for federally-paid health care coverage under the Medicaid expansion but disappointed by the decision to postpone debate to 2015, patience. It’s always darkest before the sweet, conservative dawn.

Your computer can’t get a virus, you stupid idiot.

I don't believe in computer viruses

I keep getting emails and pop-up ads warning me about computer viruses, and I’m sick of it. There ain’t no such thing, and all of this liberal nonsense-talk has got to stop!

First of all, back in my day we didn’t talk about fancy abstract notions of “viruses”. That’s just liberal Voodoo talk. We just called it being sick. “You sick?!” we’d ask. And if the answer were “yes” then we’d lock you in a room until you either got better, or died. Being sick… now that is a real thing. A biological thing. It’s objective. You can feel it. You can smell it. If you want to talk about “viruses”, it means stuff that makes a person sick. That’s just the reality of it.

Now, people want to go and change the traditional meaning of “virus” so it can mean all kinds of weird and wacky stuff. They talk about “computer viruses” … like that even makes sense. It doesn’t!

Computers aren’t living, breathing things! They don’t cough, and catch fever! You ain’t never got some computer gone hacked up a phlegm globber on your shirt. You ain’t never got a computer that said “Ouch it hurts when I pee.”  That’s the physical, concrete objective truth of what a virus does. That’s reality.

Ain’t no such thing as no “I hurt when I pee” computer.

Look, I’m not a deep scholar or intellectual type, so instead of trying to explain it to you in my own words, I’m going to borrow some words from the noted scholar and deep-thinker, Kevin D. Williamson who writes for a website called the National Review. I’ll just adapt some insightful quotes from one of his recent articles to make my points.

1. A computer virus is not a virus. It just factually isn’t. That’s objective truth, because I know what the meaning of “virus” is and you can’t tell me otherwise.

2. Liberals have some fancy idea that just by using the word “virus” for something in a computer, that it makes is a real virus. That is stupid. It’s voodoo magic talk. It’s nothing more than “a mystical exercise in rearranging words to rearrange reality” (smart-sounding quote, huh?).

3. “A virus has a biological reality, that is not subordinate to subjective impressions.” That’s another good line from Williamson, ain’t it? What he means is that just because you feel like the program in the computer is in some way similar to a virus doesn’t make it a virus. Just because it acts sorta similar, in some kind of abstract analogy, to a real virus doesn’t mean it’s exactly the same as a virus SO STOP USING THAT WORD TO DESCRIBE IT. It ain’t allowed.

4. In fact, If you call that thing in your computer a “virus” your are LIVING IN A DELUSION THAT SEPARATES YOU FROM REALITY. Sorry, bub.  You’re just living in a fantasy world if you use the word “virus” to apply to computer stuff.

 

In conclusion, if you buy into all of this namby-pamby “computer virus” talk, you are probably mentally ill. Get therapy for Christ’s sake.

Now,  truth be told, Williamson’s article, which is titled Laverne Cox Is Not a Woman , is not about computer viruses.  It’s about transgender people. But the arguments are exactly the same: Williamson knows about the objective reality of being a man or a woman;  he is against people using the word “woman” in any way other than what he sees as the “objective” way that he uses it; anyone who uses the word differently than it was used hundreds of years ago is clearly wrong, delusional and probably mentally ill.

And the same goes for the word “virus”!

So like I said: it’s just a question of objective reality. I know what “virus” means, objectively. I know what a REAL virus is, and you can’t tell me now that somehow the meaning is different now, or has changed just because some people use it differently. I won’t stand for it!

No, sir.

Stand Your Ground, the comic strip

Believe it or not, every step in this comic represents an actual news event surrounding the evolution of Stand Your Ground laws. See the transcript below for details.
Believe it or not, the steps in this comic represent real news events in the evolution of Stand Your Ground laws and their consequences. See the transcript below for details.  Comic Art by Erin Weinstock (systemcat.deviantart.com)

TRANSCRIPT:

Florida: New thing! Stand your ground! You scared? You shoot! It’s ok. Everybody quick get guns.

USA: Wow. This seems like a bad idea.

Florida: Stand your ground! It is so good. You just wait and see.

USA: Crazy stuff keeps happening to Florida. Can you look into it?

Journalist: Based on the evidence of over 200 cases, it looks like the way Stand Your Ground is being applied and who is being convicted…

Florida: NO NO NO NO! Media bad ! Stand your ground good! You go away! Freedom!

USA: You mean, like Freedom of the Press?

Florida: You twist words! Stand your ground good! YOU SO MEAN! I SCARED! I SCARED!

[Florida shoots Journalist]

Florida: See? Stand your ground good. So good.

 

Story Credit: Matt Mager
Art Credit: Erin Weinstock

Ukraine crisis update! Sarah Palin calls Putin again… (VIDEO)

If anyone has demonstrated wisdom and experience with foreign policy, it’s Sarah Palin. If you don’t believe it, check out this all new video of what a real conversation between Sarah Palin and Putin would probably go like…. if it ever happened.

Make sure to watch the video, and “like” it on Youtube if you find it worthy! Also follow The Lipstick Liberal Show for more parodies like this!

Video direct link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nFdIMyVgMc

Putin gets on the phone with Sarah Palin

The 2016 election is over, and Hillary already lost

David Jolly won an election, therefore liberalism is dead
David Jolly won an election, therefore liberalism is dead

Well folks, the results are in from the special election in Florida’s 13th Congressional district and Republican David Jolly defeated Democrat Alex Sink by about 3,400 votes, which is just about the number of elderly in Pinellas County that attend any random bingo night.

This obviously means that all Americans have rejected Obama, and Obamacare, and that the Democrats are doomed not only in 2014 but 2016 as well.

I mean, just listen to what Chuck Todd, the paid intern of MSNBC had to say about it. “Most of the Senate battles are in a lot less friendly places for Dems than FL-13,” he tweeted. Yes FL-13 was so Democratic friendly that a Republican has held that Congressional seat for 58 yrs. I mean, one just has to look at the demographics of the district to see how Democratic friendly it is: elderly white people.

Now Todd’s eagerness to jump all over Sink and the Democrats certainly has nothing to do with his being given the cold shoulder by Sink when Todd and NBC wanted to host a debate between her and Jolly. No. A real professional like Todd who so enjoys dressing up like an adult every morning would never be so childish and vindictive.

Right?

Now that we’ve cleared that up, the only real analysis of FL-13 is that it puts the final nail in the coffin of not only the ACA, but the Democratic party as well. Just look at how Obama swept through the county less than two years ago when he won it by a whopping 50-49.

I know Obama won the popular vote and the electoral college easily…. but come on, just look at that huge victory in FL-13! It’s truly a huge defeat for the Democrats to lose by a percentage point, instead of winning by a percentage point. The numbers are just staggering! An obvious repudiation of the Democratic party, and liberal philosophy in general.

Yes, it is painfully obvious to everyone who excelled in either Political Science 101 or Journalism 101 that this race forecasts what will happen not only eight months from now, but over two years from now as well.

Some people might point out that Democrats won special elections in 2012 only to have Republicans keep the House. But that doesn’t matter at all. The only thing that matters is that a gal named Sink was defeated by a guy named Jolly.

It’s shocking!

Someone should just call Hillary, and tell her to forget about 2016. It doesn’t matter if the economy gets better. It doesn’t matter if Obamacare ends up being successful. It doesn’t matter if unemployment goes down.

The fact that a Republican won in a Republican district by as many votes as it takes to fill up a Jewish deli in St. Petersburg proves that it is all over for the Democrats. And for Obamacare.

And liberalism in general.

Gays denied the right to be persecuted in peace

My drawing about how awesome discrimination is
My drawing about how awesome discrimination is
“Discrimination is awesome if you love Jesus” drawn by RepubliGAL

I have been invited by a wonderful anti-sodomy, Uganda-apologist type church (SUPER progressive on African matters) in Phoenix, Arizona to speak this Sunday about the important bill that unfortunately got destroyed last week. Yes, I’m talking about the gay segregation bill, HB 2153, which was vetoed by my former hero, Arizona governor Jan Brewer (R.†)

The bill, which would have allowed gay people to be denied entry into business establishments that align themselves closely with the Lord, would have been good for the souls of gay people. It would have invited gay members of the community to experience first-hand the persecution experienced by Christians in the time of Jesus Christ, thereby bringing them closer to the LORD.

Clearly, Gov. Brewer missed the point, as she vetoed this glorious bill like a treacherous liberal lesbian (TLL™).

By preventing business owners from using signage such as “No dogs or gays allowed” we are preventing tax-paying, gay men and women from experiencing the benefits and glory of persecution and ridicule.

Because when good Christians mock, intimidate, and bully gay people, you have to understand it’s with love in our hearts. It’s for their own good. Those of God’s creatures who engage in beastly sexual abominations are secretly looking for Christ to Save them. Ridicule and persecution are just a tool to help them realize what disgusting abominations they are, so that they can turn heterosexual!

Plus, just think of all the construction jobs LOST in Arizona by preventing the building of concentration camps and new human cargo railroad systems. LOST JOBS, BREWER.

Anyway, the veto of this bill may have profound negative consequences on the future of persecution in America. I mean, what if we end up allowing Muslims, Blacks, Indians and yes, even Jews, gay or otherwise, to simply roam free on American soil without fear or mild discomfort? How will they become Christian then, hmmm?

Discrimination against sodomic homosexuals is at the core of who we are as Republicans and Americans. And Jan Brewer is a Republican. So by vetoing this bull, what is she saying? What does it mean?

Essentially, I think she is saying this: “I’m a Republican and a Christian and I project powerful Christianity and will continue to do so but we can’t segregate gays but gays are evil abominations anyway I am a lover of Christ, gays are bad, amen.”

So in conclusion, Jan Brewer is creating a force field of magnetic resistance around her that might expand to the point where physics just makes no sense and the universe will explode but not due to the Rapture and that will just make everything SUCK for Christians UGH I hate EVERYTHING vote GOP in 2014 I love you bye!

5 new Obama executive orders that will SHOCK YOU!

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

Obama has declared his intent to become the first American dictator by issuing executive orders. This is an unprecedented power grab that hasn’t been seen during any presidency in my memory, which goes back to January 20, 2009. Our first president, Jefferson Davis, must be rolling over in his grave.

Now, some liberals get hung up on the “actual number” of executive orders that Obama has signed. But that misses the point completely: it’s a slippery slope. If we don’t stop Obama now, these are just five of the horrific executive orders that he DEFINITELY WILL SIGN WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE!

1. An executive order removing English as our official language

It’s a pretty well-documented fact that Barack Obama has already used an executive order to remove the birth certificate requirement for actors in Coca-Cola Super Bowl commercials, but could he use this power to erase our national language altogether?  Liberals will tell you that this is “nonsense” because America doesn’t have a national language, but they are wrong.  It’s in the Constitution right after the part declaring that the United States is a Christian nation. Look it up!

2. An executive order enforcing the third comma in the second amendment

Everyone knows that grammar is for sissy liberals, and guns are for real-Americans. The internet tells me that the third comma in the second amendment was added by sissy liberals who want to take guns away. Some people think interpreting the second amendment is complex and nuanced, but that’s stupid: just like there is only one way to interpret the Bible, there is only one way to interpret the second amendment.  We are not going to let Obama and his Grammar Gestapo tell us otherwise.

3. An executive order renaming the “War of Northern Aggression” as the “Civil War”

Obama has been revising history ever since he forged his birth certificate when he was 13 minutes old in Kenya. What is to stop him from doing the same to American history? If Obama is able to change the name of the war that separated the North from Real-America, he may even get people to believe the liberal myth that it had something to do with slavery. After all, he is OBSESSED with race. Obsessed! You can’t even shoot an unarmed black kid without hearing him complain about it.

4. An executive order forcing science and religion to be taught in separate classrooms

For some time, we have known about Obama’s desire to remove religion from science class and eventually from the entire American continent.  Just think about it!  If teachers convince enough of our children that we evolved from apes, eventually they will start acting like apes.  Have you ever seen an ape that practices Christianity?  I didn’t think so.

5. An executive order limiting the number of things named after Ronald Reagan

Let’s face it. If you add up all the things named after Ronald Reagan and multiply by two, the answer is still “not enough.”  We must do everything we can to preserve his memory and fight back against anything that would tarnish it, like naming a street or library after literally anyone else.

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

This is what’s at stake, real-America. I’ve presented you with the facts and some well-educated predictions. Now it’s up to you. This tyrant has ruled against our will for far too long, but all hope is not lost. If we work hard enough to prevent “you know who” from voting, the Republican Party might just have what it takes to stop Barack Obama from becoming a three term president!!

Liberals hate the rich because they want to fornicate with hipsters #ugh

Homeless Obama fan

“I am poor, I wish to remain poor, and I strongly believe that everyone should be poor.” How often do we hear that from liberals? Or, at least interpret these words when we look deep into their eyes?

A recent Assmussen™ poll suggests that members of the productive class in America are subjected to such liberal, communist propaganda throughout roughly 89% of their day via white noise, direct contact with the liberal or powerful self-conviction. (source: Sean Hannity keynote speech at some Jewish kid’s 13th birthday party that for reasons I can’t discuss I attended and I did NOT ask to see his penis out of sheer desire to be closer to Christ who was also circumcised ugh I got into so much trouble lol.)

We, as rich Americans either by birth or by industry, are subjected to a venomous tide of hatred, directed at us by a low element in our society which we loosely refer to as “those lazy, filthy poors” but also of course includes moderately successful, non-homeless – EVEN WHITE (?!) people who vote for Democrats. These people can afford food, yoga and electricity and can go on vacations, but still wish nothing but poverty on all Americans… why? WHY?

Because it suits their ideals of whimsy and irony. For all democrats are hipsters at heart.

omg I’m totally on a literary roll here and just had an epif:

Democrats all long for the aesthetic of the hipster and the sex of the hipster. They all long to be the pseudo-gay artists living in the lower east side in the 1980’s, they all long to have AIDS and dance around naked with the poors as they give them charity and feel great about themselves. They all long to wear ironic plaid and cheap looking glasses but they all forget that the hipster’s glasses are designer-made to look cheap, and cost a fortune. And with their designer glasses on they drive their cars that run on oil stolen by the American soldiers they love to hate all the way to their local Occupy Wall Street to throw mud at the faces of rich people who just want to make money, ignore everyone and be left alone. #Ugh.

So the liberal tries to look like a hipster, to smell like a hipster and to fornicate like a hipster while the rest of the world has no food, and it deals with its guilt by hating useful rich people like US.

If you have ever asked yourself what goes on in the mind of a liberal? Why do liberals hate the rich so much?

This is the answer: hipster fornication.

If Republicans had any brains, they’d be Tories

With the recent “shutdown” in Washington, the American government resembles either a roundabout or The Godfather Part IV. From the other side of the pond, we can’t quite make out which.

Democrats have u-turned on Syria.

Republicans want to hold the country at knifepoint over Obamacare.

And the Tea Party seems to be looking to burn Capitol Hill to the ground.

Aside from a mild inclination to reference “Remember, Remember…” and “You turn if you want to…”, British Conservatives are finding this all a bit too frantic for our taste. If the argument cannot be won by four, then one had best put it off until tomorrow, lest one be late for tea.

More importantly, shutting down government spending might force us to switch from Fortnum & Mason to PG tips. Fortunately, this stoic approach also affords the benefit of preventing the political transgressions that incite temper tantrums akin to those of Mike Lee and Ted Cruz.

If a single British government can manage social austerity, NHS maintenance, and defense budget cuts during a deficit, surely you can find a way to pay your own salaries and avoid tautological entropy?

Perhaps we are being too harsh. Perhaps there are hidden cultural differences between the conservative people of the UK and the fraternal conservatives of its former colony, which have led to an occlusion in our perspective.

For the purpose elucidation, we shall explore this point of potential sociological misunderstanding.

Tories love women.In British conservatism, you see, we prefer common sense. We were reasonable enough to allow Elizabeth I to reign without a husband. Modern Tories are no different. Conservatives elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman PM decades ago. Republicans, by contrast, don’t seem to know enough about women to understand rape, let alone put one up for the oval office.

Indeed, one wonders if some Republicans have ever met a woman (aside from the Sarah Palin sort).

David Cameron, Conservative PM, had a special needs son and would never dream of standing in the way of stem cell research that could help a child like his. Furthermore, Parliament’s recent legislation to legalise same-sex marriage was put forward by the Tories. Although, we might have expected it with several ‘out’ members of the British cabinet and we’ve all heard the rumours about old Etonians.

Remember that Reagan was a centrist and, like Thatcher, believed in proactive government—not retroactive leadership focused on undoing measures you simply don’t fancy.  Without such pragmatism, the West could not have brought down the East and Britain may have never recovered from its post-war depression.

Tories keep to that sensibility. Republicans seem to have taken a wrong turn on the Long Walk to Finchley.

So, to aid Republicans in their navigation, we’ve prepared a sensible shortlist:

  1. If you’re going to be conservative, at least learn how to wear white tie.
  2. For the appropriate use of God, as a word, see British political usage. Notice it has little to do with anything but saving the Queen.
  3. Guns are for grouse not grousing.
  4. Insisting on repeal and engaging in filibuster—what seems to us as babbling like a loon—wastes the operational budget.
  5. Preventing gay marriage will not keep men from touching each other, nor cohabitating, nor making those delicious cupcakes that make your church so much money in the bake sale. Also, it will not affect your son’s sexuality.
  6. Religion is an institution for pageantry and pretty songs—not oppression.

In the end, we ejected our religious zealots and malcontents to you in the 16th and 17th Centuries.

 

We’re sorry you’re still having trouble with them.

Being Reformation Christians, perhaps they should…. reform.

Then, there’s always Australia.

 


 

If any Republicans wish to comment on the above, correspondence may be submitted in triplicate during the month of July in leap year, signed in witness of a notary, received by the Home Office for inspection, and pass secondary review at the British High Commission, Canada, before being delivered to destination. Cost, fifty Pounds Sterling. 

America is Doomed: We have literally tried everything!

Good conservatives have always known that electing Barack Obama, the first African (American?) President, in 2008 was a mistake. We just knew it instinctively.  Ever since then, our mission has been to convince everyone else.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been going that well.

First, we tried with Donald Trump’s demands of providing a valid birth certificate. This should have proved that Obama was not only anti-American, but also (most likely) the antichrist as described in the Left Behind books. We tried to catch him up in this trap, but the liberal media somehow clouded the truth.

So we tried to point out his blatant Muslim-extremist behavior. Why else would he bless the Muslims participating in Ramadan unless he were, in fact, a Muslim himself? But then what happens? Those liberal tools claim he’s actually a Christian. How blatantly absurd can they be? But the American masses believe it, further burying the truth.

Of course then came Obama’s healthcare proposal. It couldn’t have been any more obvious at that point that America was headed directly toward destruction. I remember back when my parents’ parents’ parents had to go out and earn their own privatized healthcare plan. Now this socialist dictator wants to force such health benefits onto all of the poor who can’t afford it. What other evidence is needed to suggest his hidden Communist agenda? We pointed this out using the non-biased Fox News. Did it work? No! America is still under the liberal media’s spell.

On top of this, there were some things that should speak for themselves! He was once spotted reading a book about a post-American world. He failed to uphold American standards by not rushing into an irrational war against Syria. (Diplomatic negotiation is for limp-wrist liberals.) The list goes on and on.

Finally, in desperation, we tried to point out that Obama wants to give every American an abortion and a gay marriage, while, simultaneously, taking away all of their guns. He wants to disarm all of the nation’s citizens so a militia can’t be used against him when he tries to make all of us into Muslims and take control of the White House until the year 3056.

Somehow, the message still didn’t sink in with the American people.

And now, our “so-called” President has, single-handedly, shut down the entire government. Who knows for how long.

What will it take to get the American people to realize how bad this guy is?

Here in America we maintain a very impressive legacy of electing only wealthy, white males as president; it takes a real manly man, who is strongly rooted in Capitalist tradition and constitutional-living, to maintain order. How can we get the American people to realize that we can’t break with tradition?

We’ve already called him an illegal alien, Muslim, Kenyan, foreign, communist, socialist, Muslim, radical, extremist, gay, anti-gun, pro-abortion, Muslim, oh and BY THE WAY MUSLIM….. what could possibly be left?

We have tried everything

…no, seriously: What’s left?