This next graph seems to show that the attitudes of Republicans toward the threat of climate change mirrors the attitudes of fascist, anti-science, oppressive states like Pakistan, Egypt and China. That that is just misleading, because Freedom.
This next graph shows that Scott Walker’s economic policies have caused job growth in Wisconsin to completely and utterly tank ever since Scott Walker took office, and more specifically since he has been able to implement his conservative economic policies. That, however, must be a liberal illusion of some sort, because Capitalism.
Finally, the last image isn’t a graph, but a set of statistics, so it sort of counts. According to this collection of numbers, the Republican Party is disgustingly, disastrously out of touch with the American people! That clearly cannot be right, because Media Bias!
Over the past week, several notable Republicans have finally admitted that the economy is improving.
“We’ve been denying it for five years now, and it’s been pretty exhausting,” admitted one chief aid to a prominent orange-hued Republican on the condition of anonymity. “But between unemployment being the best it has been since Bush, the stock market reaching record highs, and the deficit being the best it’s been since Bush… it’s gotten to the point where it’s just difficult to deny.”
Of course, since the media storyline for years has been that we are in a terrible, floundering recovery, there have been a lot of facts that the media was simply unable to talk about. One low-level script writer on the Fox News journalism team even confessed, “The list of things we weren’tallowed to talk about was getting so long, it was getting to be a challenge just to fill up the prime-time slots with anything even remotely political.”
LUCKILY, THAT HAS NOW ALL CHANGED!
Despite admitting that every single sign shows that the economy is improving, key Republicans were able to find a way to spin it to their benefit…
…they have decided to blame racism!
“It’s basically a form of affirmative action. It has to be. How else can you explain a recovery under a black president being better than a recovery under a white president?”
“The insight really hit me when I saw this graph from the Department of Labor,” said an anonymous Congressman who looks suspiciously like Eddie Munster. “It shows that private-sector job gains after the 2009 recession have been fasterthan the private sector job gains after the 2002 recession. Now I thought to myself, how could that be? In 2002 the President was George Bush, and in 2009 the President was Barack Obama. See what I mean? I think you know what I’m getting at.”
Back in October 2013, Rush Limbaugh observed that people are scared to oppose Obama because Obama is black. The reasoning is simple: if you in any way try to hinder Obama’s success, then you will be called “racist”, which of course is just mean. Oh and by the way it’s also racist because calling something “racist” is inherently racist, and not wanting to do things that seem racist IS ALSO RACIST.
Looking at the above graph, some people say it’s obvious that the private sector is ONLY HIRING NEW PEOPLE out of fear of doing something to make Obama look bad, and therefore being called “racist”, which of course is also racist.
I mean, why else would the recovery under the black guy be going better than the recovery under the white guy did?
There really can’t be any other explanation, right?
It has not been a good week for white male job creators. Beloved overnight conservative icon Cliven Bundy, who managed to evade paying over a million dollars in owed fees to the federal government, alienated his supporters in one fell swoop by asking if “the Negro” were “better off as slaves“. Two days later, a leaked audio recording of Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling revealed that he asked his mistress to “stop bringing black people to games.” To quote comedian Patton Oswalt, it was “quite a week for racism.”
But that is also why it was a GREAT WEEK FOR AMERICAN CONSERVATISM!
If people on both sides of the media are all condemning this guy’s remarks, what does that tell you? Well, it tells you what conservatives have been saying all along: racism is over in America!
Sure, there are a few individual weirdos and isolated cases here and there. But they are not really political. After all, Donald Sterling made political donations to Democrats over the years, just proving the point that there is no difference between liberals and conservatives on this issue.
LET’S MAKE THIS ABSOLUTELY CLEAR: Yes, it is conservative politicians like Rand Paul who are against the Civil Rights act; Yes, it is conservative politicians like Paul Ryan who think that the biggest problem in America is “lazy inner city people“; and yes, it is conservative politicians who are systematically trying to restrict voting hours in districts with higher minority voters.
But none of that matters… because some racists are liberals, and some racists are conservatives, and as we just saw last week: the media hates them both the same.
Everything is the same. Racism is solved.
Thank you, American heros Cliven Bundy and Donald Sterling, for helping us to see this so clearly.
Now if only Kenyan Muslim racist Marxist Obama, who has been traveling to Malaysia on a secret racist mission with foreigners and trying to use Obamacare to destroy the birthrights of white men, would only do the right thing and ADMIT that racism is completely over in America…. well, we would all be better off.
These are the actual really true approval numbers for Obamacare over the last eight months based on ABC News/Washington Post poll data. You will hear liberals in the liberally biased media saying that Obamacare’s approval is getting stronger, but obviously this is a lie.
Just look at this graph!
We would like to thank the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, by the way, for giving us the inspiration for how to unskew what might otherwise be a very, very liberally biased graph. They did it with gun deaths, so we figured we could use the same strategy for Obamacare approval numbers.
It’s a good strategy. Stay tuned… we should probably use this strategy again.
Do you have any suggestions for things we could unskew using a graph like this? You know…. to remove the liberal bias.
(Hat tip to @TeaPartyCat for bringing this story to our attention.)
Conservatives all know the supposed “gender gap” in income is a myth. Unfortunately, when we tried to find actual statistics to support this conservative claim… we found that EVERY SINGLE STATISTIC on gender-based inequality somehow supports the liberal view that there really is pay discrimination based on sex. Talk about LIBERAL BIAS!!!
For example, Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-Kan.) said “When it comes to employment, the fact is many women seek jobs that provide more flexibility for their family over more money, which is the choice that I made as a young working mom.”
Yet somehow, this graph shows that even when you compare the salaries of men and women who hold the same job titles, there is still an income gap:
And this graph shows that even when you compare the salaries of men and women within the same industry, there is still an income gap:
And this graph shows that you can group occupations a different way, and still see an income gap:
And this graph shows that even then you just look at male and female actors being paid million-dollar salaries, there is still an income gap:
And this graph shows that even when you try to account for differences between low-paying jobs and high-paying jobs, there is still a gap:
And this graph shows that although some industries show a smaller gap than others, certain industries have an enormous income gap:
And this graph shows that the argument that “women deliberately choose lower-paying jobs” is in part because jobs that are stereotypically viewed as “women’s work” are paid less, which is a different kind of income gap:
This is just ridiculous!
Maybe women work fewer hours? Nope: Among people working over 50 hours per week, over 50 weeks per year, women’s earnings are 83% of men’s in the same occupation (source).
Maybe women interrupt their careers to have kids? Nope: Full-time working women who have been out of college for ten years and haven’t had children still make 77 cents on the male dollar. (source)
Statistic after statistic shows that there is absolutely NO SUPPORT for any of the conservative arguments.
HOW IS THAT FAIR?
Obviously, ALL OF THESE GRAPHS are just guilty of deliberate, sinister and conspiratorial liberal bias!!!!
Recently, President Barack HUSSEIN Obama announced that his government takeover of America’s healthcare system, the Affordable Care Act, allegedly reached its goal of enrolling over 7 million Americans. The Democrat party is touting this biased statistic as a sign that the law, which takes away your ability to make your own healthcare decisions while enabling women to get abortions in the aisles of dissenting Hobby Lobby stores.
While real conservatives like Paul Ryan and Bobby Jindal have proposed plans, their plans have all been criticized for containing elements that are either not conservative, or are unpopular, or both. I have been able to come up with a complete alternative to Obamacare that is both based on conservative principles and known to poll well with the American people!
My proposal, TheOperations, Bandages, Acupuncture, Mammography and Sometimes Ultrasound X-Rays Act, or The OBAMASUX Act for short, is a comprehensive plan that fixes problems with the healthcare system in place before the so-called President had to mess everything up with the ACA’s sweeping shift to a government run system. It is backed up with research and findings from leading respected conservative institutions such as The Heritage Foundation and The Weekly Standard.
It is in absolutely no way similar to the Affordable Care Act, which does absolutely none of the things I am about to mention.
OBAMASUX works by providing health insurance to those who cannot afford it by giving them subsidies, which basically means lowering taxes to give people healthcare.
OBAMASUX does not regulate your health care decisions, but rather health insurance companies, which would continue to remain private businesses but also encouraged by law to support the public good.
Yearly check-ups, immunizations, and routine screenings for diseases will have no out-of-pocket cost, as they have been proven to decrease healthcare costs long-term.
Those with insurance through their employer will not have to change plans, as long as they meet minimum coverage standards and their insurance company does not discontinue that plan structure, as they have always done.
Rather than gutting Medicare or Medicaid, OBAMASUX expands these popular programs, allowing more elderly and lower-income families to receive medical services.
Businesses with over 100 full-time employees will be strongly encouraged to provide health insurance to those employees.
Young people under the age of 26 will be able to stay on their parents’ insurance plans.
All of these elements would take the world’s greatest healthcare system and carry it into a bright, prosperous future. Barack Hussein Obama knows this, and with the help of conservative patriots like you, we can force him to repeal Obamacare and enact these reforms.
You are a conservative. You know how to use your brain. You believe things because you have thought them through, and they make sense to you. They seem logical. Unlike liberals, who believe things that totally make NO SENSE AT ALL, just because they have “statistics” to back them up.
Nowhere is difference between conservatives and liberals more apparent than with Obamacare. Let’s take a look.
CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: Employers will reduce their number of full-time employees in order to avoid the costs associated with Obamacare. We will become a part-time employment nation!
LIBERAL FACTS: The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) has found that part-time workers in the U.S. fell by 300,000 since the Affordable Care Act became law. In just the past year, full-time employment grew by over 2 million.
VERDICT: Conservative logic sounds good, so it must be right. The statistics must have liberal bias.
CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: Millions and millions of people are losing their health insurance because of Obamacare! I know it must be true because I keep hearing these stories!
LIBERAL FACTS: The fact is, millions and millions of people had their policies cancelled every year, before the Affordable Care Act came into being. On average, only 17 percent of people ever retained coverage for more than two years prior to the Affordable Care Act becoming law. After the ACA became law, by contrast, only a relatively small number of people have been asked to change insurance policies because their existing policies were not compliant with the new standards:
VERDICT: I heard tons of horror stories on T.V. This obviously outweighs these actual numbers. Numbers have a liberal bias.
CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: There will still be uninsured people after Obamacare is fully implemented. The whole point of Obamacare was to insure everybody. Therefore, Obamacare was completely pointless and achieved nothing.
LIBERAL FACTS:The Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index shows that 15.9 percent of American adults are now uninsured, down from 17.1 percent for the end of 2013. That is about 3 million to 4 million people who have coverage now who did not have it before. The total number of Americans without health insurance is projected to reach its lowest number since 2008.
Plus, it is worth looking at why some of the people who remain uninsured got that way. There are currently 5 to 8 million people who can’t access Medicaid because their Republican political leaders oppose Obamacare. This isn’t a failure of Obamacare, it is a direct result of obstruction from conservatives. Nothing makes this more obvious than looking down at the breakdown by state of the total number of uninsured people before and after the implementation of the Affordable Care Act: notice that those states that opted in show dramatic reductions in uninsured citizens, while states that opted out do not show the same reduction:
VERDICT: All these numbers are confusing. The bottom line is that some people still aren’t insured, which means Obamacare didn’t solve every single problem, which means it was pointless and a complete failure. How can you argue with that kind of logic?
Ohio state representative Andrew Brenner (R-Powell) has made an important point that most of the corporate news media has missed. Luckily, I am here to explain it to you.
Normally, of course, I would tell you that anything “scholarly” or “academic” is typically liberal propaganda made up by atheists who worship Satan and think Shortbread is the best Girl Scout cookie.
But representative Brenner, the vice chair of the Ohio House Education Committee, used Wikipedia’s definition of socialism to prove an excellent conservative point!
“Socialism, defined on Wikipedia, ‘is a social and economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and co-operative management of the economy,’” he wrote, noting that the provided definition “seems to summarize our primary education system.”
MIND = BLOWN!!
Some people have said Wikipedia has a liberal bias, but this just proves that the opposite is true. In fact, this gave me new respect for Wikipedia. Who needs schools? Obviously, all you have to do to understand things like “socialism” is read Wikipedia… and then use your own logicalness skills to reason out the rest!
After all, think about it: If Wikipedia is so bad, then why did all my teachers try to tell me that it was not acceptable to use as a source in a research paper? Hmm?
Clearly they were trying to hide its ability to speak truth to power. Once I realized this, I looked up as many definitions (which Wikipedia defines as “a statement that explains the meaning of a term”) as possible!
Wikipedia: speaking truth to power!
Authoritarianism, as defined by Wikipedia, is characterized by absolute or blind obedience to authority, as against individual freedom.
What does this remind you of? How about the 99% of scientists that have conspired to fool the world that global warming is real even though the winter has never been colder? Or evolutionary biologists that say that just because it’s a theory does not mean it is not a scientific fact? Wikipedia is saying that science in general is authoritarian, and thus anti-American!
An Information Society, as defined by Wikipedia, is “a society where the creation, distribution, use, integration and manipulation of information is a significant economic, political, and cultural activity.”
The key word here is MANIPULATION. Isn’t that exactly what the liberal media does to try to convince people that Barack Hussein Obama is the President despite no proof that he was elected twice? If you don’t have anything to hide, show us the votes! Otherwise, you’re waving a FALSE FLAG!
Speaking of Obama…
Despotism, as defined in Wikipedia, is “a form of government in which a single entity rules with absolute power.”
Certainly sounds like Obama, doesn’t it? Obama does everything he wants just by making an executive order without the input of Congress. That’s why Obamacare doesn’t have a public option: because Obama always gets his way.
I’d like to thank representative Andrew Brenner for teaching us all a valuable lesson. We don’t need these liberal indoctrination camps, i.e. colleges and universities. We can learn everything we need to know by looking things up on Wikipedia!
It looks like the liberal lie machine has met its match!
Everybody knows that Obamacare must be repealed, and will be repealed. Either Rand Paul will veto it when he’s elected President in 2016, or Michelle Bachmann will strike it down with her sword of Christian righteousness, or Ronald Reagan will miraculously rise from the dead and pronounce it unconstitutional. But one way or another, Obamacare will be repealed!
So how come this stupid graph shows that investors are overwhelmingly betting their money on the idea that Obamacare will not only stay the law of the land, but will be a success?
A new online broker, Motif Investing, is offering Obamacare’s friends and foes alike a chance to put their money where their mouth is… “A lot of people think conceptually about investing,” [co-founder Hardeep Walia] says. “We take ideas and translate them to what we call a ‘motif’—an intelligently weighted basket of up to 30 stocks, built around an idea that people can understand.” […]
Two of the hottest motifs right now are Obamacare and repeal Obamacare, Walia says. They represent, respectively, the idea that the law will succeed and that it will fail. The Obamacare motif is made up of hospitals, generic-drug makers, pharmacy-benefit managers, and companies specializing in electronic medical records, all of which stand to gain from the Affordable Care Act’s emphasis on cost control and its guarantee of payment. […]
RepealObamacare is composed of companies that would benefit from the law’s demise, mainly medical device manufacturers, which the ACA saddles with a 2.3 percent excise tax; assisted-living and home health-care providers, which will suffer from reduced Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement rates; and medical diagnostics equipment and services providers, which may encounter reduced demand as a result of the law’s efforts to curb unnecessary testing.
The Obamacare motif is up 46.9 percent in the past year, doubling the performance of the Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index (up 22.8 percent). The repeal Obamacare motif has risen just 13.8 percent in the past year.
What’s most striking isn’t the performance of the two funds, but where investors are choosing to place their money. “We don’t have convictions or views on the law itself,” says Walia. “We give you both sides of the equation.” But one is clearly more popular: He says Motif investors have bet 45 times more money on Obamacare’s success than on its failure.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, STUPID INVESTORS? WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH POO-POO HEADS?
As a conservative, I used to think that investors were always smart and perfect and the only people that really matter in the economy. But NO MORE!!
Obviously, if these stupid, dopey, nasty, poo-poo head investors are betting that Obamacare will succeed, it can only mean one thing: they have LIBERAL BIAS!!!!!
The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.
Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.
This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.
Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.
While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.
“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani
“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)
“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association
Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.
Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.
Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”
Or “government by the people.”
Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a realconservative savior.
So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.
With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?
It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!
If you are a real American patriot, you were probably in Daytona Beach, Florida to witness this year’s Daytona 500 and the start of the NASCAR season. Like hot dogs, apple pie, and the films of John Wayne, the celebration of cars turning left at 200 miles per hour embodies freedom and liberty against tyranny.
What better way to kick off the race than by allowing Madison Rising, the self-proclaimed “Most Patriotic Rock Band in America,” to perform The Star-Spangled Banner? Of course, they really aren’t the mostpatriotic band in America, since I have a one man band named Lil’ Reagan and the Markets… but second place still isn’t bad.
The band’s performance, which you can see here, was profoundly inspiring and beautiful. The liberal corporate media proclaimed it “America’s worst anthem rendition,” but what else do you expect from pinko commies who cower in fear when stared in the face by real American greatness?
But there is a problem! Apparently, even NASCAR drivers and fans did not appreciate the breathtaking tribute to American exceptionalism!
News-Journal, a local Daytona Beach paper, quoted driver Brad Keselowski saying “I wish they’d just sing the damn song, that’s my reaction,” trying to hold back laughter.
Laughter. At the National Anthem!
Has NASCAR, like Fox News and the Super Bowl before it, been taken over by liberals? It certainly seems so!
For more proof, look no further than a Zogby poll from September 2012, just before Barack Hussein Obama fraudulently won a second Presidential election. In that poll, Obama led Mitt Romney 48-41 among NASCAR fans, despite Romney polling better in the South and among Wal-Mart shoppers.
I long for the good old days when NASCAR was a melting pot of conservative doctrine. When Richard Petty ran as a Republican for Secretary of State in North Carolina. When nine out of ten drivers in contention for the Nextel cup endorsed George W. Bush. When white men in competitive stock car racing were not having their jobs taken away by Danica Patrick.
But, this is what happens when one of those peopleis elected President, apparently. Even NASCAR drivers laugh at the American anthem.
When I heard that Ellen Page delivered an amazing speech that took YouTube by storm, I was really excited. I mean, sure, she is Canadian, but that is okay. After all, she was the girl who as a teenager became pregnant out of wedlock and decided not to have an abortion, so she must be a God-fearing patriot.
People tell me that “Juno” is not a documentary, but it has to be. I mean, there’s simply no way anybody could write dialogue that realistic.
But then I actually watched the speech!! I had been ambushed. Ellen Page was about to reveal herself as a proudly gay woman!
Naturally, my first thought was: “How is this going to affect me???”
I do not need to tell you about the dangers of homosexuality. Everybody knows that the acceptance of homosexuality in a society leads to rampant bestiality and NBC viewership.
But if you need even more proof, I received an email yesterday from Sterling Dalton of Arlington, TX, who wrote me with a harrowing story which he gave me permission to publish.
Hi Zach,First, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to REAL conservatives all over the country. Your ability to cut through the facts and expose the pervasiveness of the liberal agenda is commendable. You made me realize that liberal atheist muslims are everywhere, and I am eternally grateful.
I regret that I must write you with hate in my heart. Not healthy hate, like hate for people who think it is okay to press 1 for English. But hate toward my wife, who just one week ago I shared my 24th wedding anniversary with. Our marriage was perfect. We have three boys together and they are very straight.
At least, all of that was true….. until Ellen Page came out of the closet!
As soon as I heard the news, the walls began to bend. There was a ringing in my ears. Everything got kind of fuzzy. I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in a ditch off Interstate 30. I hitchhiked back into town to find that my house had burned down and my wife was staying at her mother’s house. Nobody would tell me where the kids were, and the police said I was not allowed to know.
It was just like Pat Robertson said, I’m sure. The feminist agenda made Ellen Page convince my wife to leave me, kill my children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become a lesbian.
I just makes me so sad, Zach. I have never met Ellen Page, so why did she so maliciously use her sexuality to ruin my marriage? Please help me, Zach. You’re America’s only hope to fight against the way that what happens in private bedrooms is ruining the lives of Christians everywhere.
I am an American, which means a few things. It means I love apple pie and hot dogs. It means that I am one of God’s children and He will punish me if I have premarital sex because He loves me. It means I vote for Republicans, unless they are RINOs and I have to cast a write-in ballot for Ronald Reagan instead.
Most importantly, it means I watch the Super Bowl.
Everybody knows that liberalism thoroughly corrodes anything and everything it touches. I don’t mean to be a…ahem, Monday morning quarterback, but I should have seen the liberal corruption of the Super Bowl coming sooner. After all, this year’s game was televised on Fox, the media arm of the Democrat party.
However, the Bill O’Reilly interview with President Hussein Obama was pleasantly surprising. I mean, sure, he didn’t ask about #BENDOGZI, but he asked several questions about Benghazi. You know, real issues.
But then the game started…. and the Super Bowl as a patriotic institution TOOK A NOSE DIVE INTO THE PITS OF H*ECK!
A 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost $4 million, and corporations used every moment they could buy to promote their liberal agenda. From letting Terrence Malick direct every single car commercial, to demoting Arnold Schwarzenegger from conservative hero to a guy in a wig playing ping pong with some dingus, every ad was excruciating.
The only exceptions were the ads where companies spent $8 million for a 60-second ad to tell America that they are donating $1 million to charity. That was pretty cool.
The worst offenders
The most notable atrocity came from the folks at The Coca-Cola Company, who had the nerve to make an ostensibly “pro-America” ad, portraying the United States as a beautiful melting pot where people of all races, colors, and creeds can thrive. The ad was set to a rendition of America the Beautiful…except it is sung in several languages.
How dare they??If they really think America is hashtag beautiful, they would understand that English is the official language. Read the Constitution, morans.
This would have made me regard Pepsi as the official soft drink of freedom, but their contribution to the game, the halftime show, wasn’t any better. If you recall, everybody was outraged ten years ago when Janet Jackson’s “boobie” was shown during the halftime show. As they should have been.
One decade and two Obama elections later, the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform and the female lead singer is completely topless. Guess what? Nobody cares! Liberal feminism has sucked the decency out of America and is smiling as it drips down their mouth.
Then there was the game
The liberal takeover of the Super Bowl has extended to the game itself. Everyone knows that God normally keeps very tight control over who wins and loses football games in the United States, but that clearly wasn’t going on here.
The Seahawks defeated the Broncos 43-8 and the game was never even close. This was largely blamed on Broncos quarterback and real American hero Peyton Manning, who is literally a perfect human being, but I blame Obama.
After all, there is no way Manning, the owner of 21 Papa John’s franchises, would ever fail this spectacularly without being sabotaged by liberals. They hate what he represents, so they set out to destroy him.
We live in Obama’s America now, and not even our nation’s most important sporting event is safe. Wake up, Sheeple. We need to take our country back.
We present to you 5 graphs that conclusively prove, visually and beyond a doubt, that Obama has pretty much destroyed everything and failed America. How can graphs lie?
The inspiration for this list has been passed around by conservatives and Tea Party Republicans for the last several days. It shows that income inequality was flat under Bush, but grew under Obama and Clinton. It is graph number 1.
1. Income gap soars under Obama!
Now, before we get to our list, you need to look really hard at this graph. Take it in. Appreciate the fullness of its beauty and meaning. Now that you have done that, you will also be able to appreciate the following graphs… all of which absolutely prove that Obama is a failed President in every possible way.
2. Stock markets stagnate under liberals!
The stock market just SOARED during Bush’s terms in office. By contrast, once you account for the after-effects of H.W. Bush that were impacting the beginning of Clinton’s term and the natural “rebound” from recession after W. Bush’s term, the increases in the stock market during Clinton and Obama were just pathetic! Look at these trend lines:
3. Obama has completely exploded unemployment!
We actually published a version of this graph before, but clearly in that version we simply had not drawn the correct trend lines. Here, we have added good, conservative trend lines to counteract any liberal bias!
You should also note that we have re-classified a teeny tiny portion of 2008 as blue instead of red, putting it under “Obama”. This is because Once Obama took office, he obviously retroactively became responsible for the entire unemployment rate. Plus, Sean Hannity has postulated that the unemployment rate skyrocketed pre-emptively because employers were scared that Obama mightbecome president. Which seems completely plausible.
4. Obama has completely exploded the deficit!
This is one of the MOST well-known facts about Obama: he has exploded the deficit completely! This graph proves it. As you can see, Carter and Reagan/Bush kept the deficit pretty much flat during their terms. Clinton and W. Bush both decreased the deficit slightly. But WHOAH OMG can you see that trend line we drew for Obama!!?? It just goes up and up!
Now, some of you might think we took some liberties with that trend line. For one thing, we sort of started it in 2007, but everyone knows that this is because of the pre-emptive problems caused by Obama. Some say it might even have been the influence of his time machine (the same one he used to go back in time to plant fake birth certificates in Hawaii). But either way, what matters is that trend line that we drew: LOOK AT IT! Disgusting, huh?
5. Attacks on diplomatic targets reach unprecedented heights under Obama!
Of course, we can’t forget about Benghazi! This graph shows that the number of attacks on diplomatic targets has just completely gotten out of control under Obama. Obviously something is very wrong. Obama is projecting an image of weakness which explains why that attacks have INCREASED SO MUCH during his presidency. Just look at these trendlines!
In fact, you better only look at the trend lines with this one. The graph isn’t much help, because it doesn’t truly illustrate the conservative philosophy of the real importance of Benghazi. We have added our own annotation to the graph for this… but really, just look at the trendline arrow. Isn’t it awful???
So, clearly you can see what we mean. All it takes is a few well-drawn trend-lines, and the conservative message becomes crystal clear!
Hollywood is the propaganda arm of the Obama administration and the Democrat party. To most people, this is obvious. After all, most actors are French and gay, and the popular movies are all just propaganda to turn you into a pot-smoking gay person as well.
However, the liberal bias in this year’s Oscars is even deeper than most people have ever suspected! After performing an in-depth analysis, looking specifically for liberal bias in movies nominated for Oscars, you will be shocked to find out what I uncovered.
First of all, only infants who require them for sustenance should be able to see that much sideboob.
Secondly, how can it possibly be a coincidence that right around the time Chris Christie, a beloved New Jersey politician, has his ethics called into question by the liberal corporate media, a movie comes out where Carmine Polito, a beloved New Jersey politician, has his ethics called into question and ends up in prison?
It’s obviousthat the corporate media waited to reveal what Chris Christie would have done if he did it so they could release an allegorical film about it and nominate it for ten Oscars.
You’re probably thinking “Hey, there’s no way a movie about the United States military laying the smackdown on some African-American thugs can be liberal propaganda!”
(You might also be thinking the movie is about Somali pirates hijacking a Navy ship, so by definition they are in no way African-Americans and my characterization of them as such is incredibly racist. Well you’re right! About the first part, I mean.)
The source of the film’s liberal bias is evident in what it was nominated for. Tom Hanks, who played the good guy in the movie, was not nominated. Barkhad Abdi, the film’s antagonist, was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. Why would they do that, unless we are supposed to root for the pirates?
It’s the same as when the Academy nominated Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight; it was because the Joker was the character we were supposed to root for. And why not? The Joker represents a true American patriot taking his country back from big government Batman.
Dallas Buyers Club
The first minutes of Dallas Buyers Club are amazing. FINALLY, after years of Matthew McConaughey languishing in mediocre girl movies, he’s back in full force playing a red-blooded real American. He wears cowboy hats, rides bulls, and drinks beer…until he gets HIV and all of a sudden he does the one thing no real conservative would ever do!
His character fundamentally changes as a person, going from a selfish homophobe to a tolerant, empathetic activist who befriends a transgendered person and ends up helping hundreds of people with AIDS in Dallas, Texas.
What a shame.
There is one thing Gravity does right: it shows that being a single mother is immoral, because Sandra Bullock’s character, Dr. Ryan Stone, was a single mother and her daughter died. Would her daughter have died if Stone were not a strong independent woman who did not need a man? Who knows? But probably not.
Where Gravity falls into the orbit of liberal propaganda is when America, the only country to ever actually go to space (look it up), is unable to do anything to help Sandra Bullock. Who ends up providing help to her in her journey back to Earth from seeming inescapable peril in the infinite void of space? China! Yes, China! The people who own 100% of our debt and apparently wrote 100% of this movie.
If there is anything we have learned from history, it is that progressive causes always fail. It is abundantly clear that in the near future, people will respect the sanctity of marriage and the virtues of not having pre-marital sex. Yet in this movie, the opposite seems to be true.
Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix) falls in love with his computer named Samantha (Scarlett Johansson), and they have sex! Yes, sex! Kind of. I’m not married so I assume that whatever they did was sex. How am I supposed to know?
This suggests that Spike Jonze sees the future as a place where 1. gay marriage is an accepted norm and 2. because of this, now people can marry their dog, their sister, and yes, even their computer. Clearly that’s not going to happen…but we all know it is the liberals’ wet dream!
How dare Alexander Payne make a movie in black and white only to name it after an American state? Everybody knows that black and white movies are for French people. We watch our movies in color!
I actually have not seen Philomena because it is a British movie and I am an American. I did accidentally see the trailer during a screening of Grown Ups 2 a few months back so I think I know enough to write about it. In the trailer, we learn that the title character, played by Dame “Judi” Dench, had a baby but the unfairly villianized Catholic Church made her give the baby away.
Fifty years later, her EUROPEAN baby becomes an AMERICAN congressman…who is a Republican! Other than the very Canadian and very secretly liberal Ted Cruz, all Republicans are American. How dare they suggest otherwise.
12 Years a Slave
Film critic Armond White took to Fox News to explain why 12 Years a Slave is liberal propaganda a few days ago. I was going to just embed video of him talking about the movie, and then I asked myself…what show did he go on to do this?
The answer: the liberal propaganda show Red Eye! True to form, Armond White said that this movie is liberal propaganda because it fits the liberal narrative that racism is over.
This proves that Armond White’s assertion that 12 Years a Slave is liberal propaganda is meant to distract everyone from the fact that it actually is liberal propaganda!
Wheels within wheels, people!
The Wolf of Wall Street
When I first saw this movie, I thought that it was the best representation of the greatness of capitalism since Atlas Shrugged. Jordan Belfort and people like him are heroes who, in doing what was best for them, ultimately did what was best for everyone.
It’s a shame that big government had to tear them down, resulting in the big economic collapse in 2008. It seemed like there was no way the Academy would ever honor a film that presented capitalism in such a positive light, until they did…
Director Martin Scorsese and star Leonardo DiCaprio have explained time and time again that apparently my view of the film is entirely inaccurate. La la la la la la la la la, I can’t hear them over the sound of how glorious the raping and pillaging of the American middle class was for freedom and liberty.
So there you have it… all of the liberal bias I was able to find by looking really, really hard for it. That’s the amazing thing about liberal bias… the more you look for it, the more you can find it in everything!