Is Republican logic a little too familiar?

Addams Family

For the last 5-6 years, the Republicans have shown an interesting new pattern in the logic that they have been using. It seems like a pattern we’ve seen before.

Most recently, Marco Rubio explains that if President Obama doesn’t give in to the demands of the House Republicans, then Obama will be forcing the House Republicans to shut down the entire government, and it will be all President Obama’s fault.

In previous years, John Boehner has said that if President Obama didn’t rubber-stamp every budget cut that the House Republicans wanted, they would refuse to raise the debt ceiling and collapse the entire credit of the United States, and that it would be all President Obama’s fault.

Many House Republicans have claimed that if the Senate didn’t submit the exact budget that they demanded, then it would be all the Senate’s fault that a budget didn’t get passed.
Addams FamilyIf this style of argument seems familiar, it’s possible that you’ve seen it in one or two places before…..

Mother Gothel, in Tangled, is angry at Rapunzel for disobeying her, and so stabs Flynn (whom she loves) mortally in front of her, and says:  “Now look what you’ve done!”

Fester’s “mother”, in The Addams Family, upset that Fester didn’t fulfill her every wish exactly as she wanted it, hits her son and then, referring to the Addams family, says: “See what they made me do? Hit my own son!”

In the season 2 finale of Heroes, Maya tries to go against Sylar’s wishes, she struggles with him, and then Sylar “accidentally” shoots her and says, “Now look what you made me do!”

In the novel Misery, Annie Wilkes chops off Paul Sheldon’s foot with an axe and cauterizes the wound with a blowtorch, while pointing out that it was obviously his own actions that forced these things to happen….

The list goes on and on.

 

In fact, this style of logic can be traced all the way back to Shakespeare! In his play Henry V, Henry gives a  threatening speech to the Governor of Harfleur, in which he says that if the town doesn’t surrender instantly, he will lose control of his soldiers, and it will be Harfleur’s own fault for subjecting itself to destruction and rape.

 

Well, the GOP certainly knows a good argument when it hears one.  Just make sure to remember that they are following in a long and proud tradition of villains characters who are used to getting their way.

Republicans bravely take every side of the marriage debate

Pro-Gay Rove

Pro-Gay RoveEveryone agrees that Republicans had a messaging problem in the last election cycle. Luckily, they have found a strategy to solve that problem when addressing the gay marriage debate: just agree with all sides.

The strategy is as simple as it is genius: let those without power relay a soft, compassionate message, while those with power continue to push the conservative hard right agenda.  That way, conservatives can fix the messaging by adding warm, bleeding-heart language to appeal to the liberal masses… all without actually changing any Republican policy standards.

Nowhere is this brilliant Karl Rove-ian strategy more apparent than in the current debate over marriage rights for same-sex couples. Read any headline in the liberal lame-stream media and you’ll see jubilant cries of “Prominent Republicans File Supreme Court Brief Against Proposition 8.”  Yes, these “prominent” members of the Grand Old Party have bravely come out against the California ban on same-sex marriages.  Liberals might think that Republican standards are changing, or that the party is somehow in disarray…. but this is all completely according to plan!

Almost all of these “prominent” Republicans are out of office and don’t really have positions of leadership in the party, but still: the messaging sounds great!  We even have “high profile” Republican campaign staffers who have worked for the likes of George W. Bush and Mitt Romney signing on, even though they actively supported campaigns run on trying to ban marriages for gay couples with a federal constitutional amendment.

It really is a stroke of messaging genius—just ask Frank Luntz.

Of course, these brave conservatives who have nothing to lose since they are out office and really can’t influence the party in a substantive way can brilliantly distract from what the GOP leadership in power is actually doing.

For example, those champions of traditional values and conservative fiscal policy in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives are stepping in to defend the “Defense of Marriage Act” in the Supreme Court to the tune of over $3 million tax-payer dollars.  In addition, Republicans on Capitol Hill are again attempting to change the U.S. military code with a bill introduced in the House to ban same-sex marriages on military bases after the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”  The Republicans in actual positions of power even bravely held up the “Violence against Women Act” because it included provisions to protect women in same-sex relationships.

And let’s not forget that the Republican party platform itself, which had its plank on marriage written by religious right leaders like Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, is still completely against equal rights for gay people.  The platform opposes marriage equality and supports a federal constitutional amendment defining marriage as the “union of one man and one woman.”

But pay no attention to the white, heterosexual man behind the curtain! Not when we can get the media to focus on the great and powerful handful of out-of-office conservatives who can “fix” the messaging by signing a court brief.

The GOP’s secret gay sex party

Gay Sex Party.

Gay Sex Party.

This year, the Republican platform has been filled with uplifting conservative social messages about banning abortions, preventing the wrong people from getting married, and making sure that schools don’t force our children to ask to many questions. This theme was beautifully articulated at the 2012 Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, where the speakers were virtuous, inspiring, uplifting, and passionate. At least, that’s what the the people on Fox News keep telling us.

But I have some bad news for them.

If the Republican National Convention represents the future of the Republican party, then the future of the Republican Party is going to be filled with lots and lots of HOT GAY SEX.

That’s right! Apparently, there are some members of the GOP who are ready to pull up the anti-gay planks in the GOP platform and use them as paddles in their S&M sex games.

Grindr is a tool that gay people use to meet other gay people so that they can do dirty, filthy, homosexualist things to each other. No good, Christian, family-values conservative would ever be familiar with such a thing, right? Yet somehow, this graph shows that Grindr usage DOUBLED during the GOP convention.

What’s wrong with you stupid graph? Why are you making Republicans look like godless sluts???

 

Naturally, many theories are possible.

Some people might say that God is sending homosexuals to the convention to punish the GOP for not fully embracing the free market ideals of Ron Paul. Obviously, this argument has some merit.

Other people might say that the GOP’s anti-woman, anti-sex, anti-gay positions are just the kind of thing that closeted, self-hating gay people would gravitate to, while simultaneously acting out their repressed urges using Grindr. This seems slightly less plausible.

Still others might say, “Isn’t it possible that gay people come in all kinds of varieties, including both Republican and Democrat, and we shouldn’t read in to the fact that there are gay people at a GOP convention?” This, clearly, is total nonsense.

The most likely explanation is that a top-secret underground super-powerful group of homosexual activists has infiltrated the Republican National Convention and have decided to use Grindr to have lots and lots and lots of hot filthy sweaty man-sex just to make conservatives look ridiculous.

It’s the obvious explanation.

Or, it could be that they were just turned gay by Chick-Fil-A.

Either way, it’s important that the world know that the Republican National Convention, behind closed doors and with the lights turned off, is engaging in lots of dirty, hard, nasty, sinful liberal bias!!!!!

data source: Grindr