Ellen Page’s sexuality destroyed my marriage!

This is what all lesbians look like
This is what all lesbians look like
Apparently this is what the well-dressed lesbian is wearing in today’s society. No wonder she’s destroying marriages!

When I heard that Ellen Page delivered an amazing speech that took YouTube by storm, I was really excited. I mean, sure, she is Canadian, but that is okay. After all, she was the girl who as a teenager became pregnant out of wedlock and decided not to have an abortion, so she must be a God-fearing patriot.

People tell me that “Juno” is not a documentary, but it has to be. I mean, there’s simply no way anybody could write dialogue that realistic.

But then I actually watched the speech!! I had been ambushed. Ellen Page was about to reveal herself as a proudly gay woman!

Naturally, my first thought was: “How is this going to affect me???”

I do not need to tell you about the dangers of homosexuality. Everybody knows that the acceptance of homosexuality in a society leads to rampant bestiality and NBC viewership.

But if you need even more proof, I received an email yesterday from Sterling Dalton of Arlington, TX, who wrote me with a harrowing story which he gave me permission to publish.

Hi Zach,First, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to REAL conservatives all over the country. Your ability to cut through the facts and expose the pervasiveness of the liberal agenda is commendable. You made me realize that liberal atheist muslims are everywhere, and I am eternally grateful.

I regret that I must write you with hate in my heart. Not healthy hate, like hate for people who think it is okay to press 1 for English. But hate toward my wife, who just one week ago I shared my 24th wedding anniversary with. Our marriage was perfect. We have three boys together and they are very straight.

At least, all of that was true….. until Ellen Page came out of the closet!

As soon as I heard the news, the walls began to bend. There was a ringing in my ears. Everything got kind of fuzzy. I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in a ditch off Interstate 30. I hitchhiked back into town to find that my house had burned down and my wife was staying at her mother’s house. Nobody would tell me where the kids were, and the police said I was not allowed to know.

It was just like Pat Robertson said, I’m sure. The feminist agenda made Ellen Page convince my wife to leave me, kill my children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become a lesbian.

I just makes me so sad, Zach. I have never met Ellen Page, so why did she so maliciously use her sexuality to ruin my marriage? Please help me, Zach. You’re America’s only hope to fight against the way that what happens in private bedrooms is ruining the lives of Christians everywhere.

Sincerely,
Sterling Dalton

NEXT READ: Obamacare will completely destroy marriage… probably

Republican Jesus knows how to talk to women

Conservative legislators are meeting with the National Republican Congressional Committee to discuss how to talk to women. But as the most Christian party of the most Christian nation, Republicans shouldn’t need to be coached by the NRCC.

They should be coached by the Bible, and the Good Book is very clear.

  • “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” 1 Timothy 2:12
  • “Women are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home.” 1 Corinthians 14
  • “The head of a woman is her husband…Any woman who prays or prophesies with her head unveiled dishonors her head–it is the same as if her head were shaven…Woman is the glory of man. Man was not created for woman, but woman for man.” -1 Corinthians 11
  • “Train women…to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:4-5

The Bible says it and that settles it!

At the sacrifice of Biblical patriarchy, these legislators are being trained in the fallacy of modern day equality by “politically correct” anti-traditional coaches. We as Christians must proclaim the timeless truths of Godly Womanhood before the demonic forces of liberal-equality take captive our Grand Old Party!

If you are a Republican who believes in the literal interpretation of the Bible, you know that women need to hush up and get out of politics, out of leadership, and out of the voting booth!  If you are a Conservative Christian, then you know that one of the greatest failures of our country was the right for women to vote.

Women, just shut up! It’s what REPUBLICAN JESUS would have wanted.

Example of a good Christian woman