6 famous people who must have been white because they were so awesome

By now everyone has heard that Megyn Kelly said that Santa Claus, the 100% real North Pole resident that delivers gifts to kids around the world while undermining free market capitalism, is white. She then went on to add that Jesus Christ, the son of God, was also white.

This outraged a bunch of liberals,who claim that she is “wrong”… at least, about Jesus. But she was really just speaking the obvious and intuitive truth that all good conservatives know in their hearts and in their guts: all of the important people in history were white. It’s what we’ve been taught, and it’s just plain old obvious.

Let’s take a look at some examples.

1. Cleopatra

Cleopatra, best known for being the last pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, remains a popular Western figure because as my cousin who lives in West Hollywood would say, she is “totes fab.”

And a few years ago, rumors circulated that homewrecker Angelina Jolie, who famously stole Brad Pitt away from America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Aniston, was going to play the role of Cleopatra. Now, why would Jennifer Aniston be playing someone who wasn’t white? That just doesn’t make sense.

2. Hannibal the Conquerer

If you Bing the words “Hannibal + black,” you will find lots of hilarious claims that Hannibal was black, when really he was Phoenician. I learned this in a history class in high school. I’m not really sure what “Phonecian” is, but it definitely isn’t “black”, because if it did mean “black” I’m sure my high school teacher would have mentioned that.

Anyway, I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona, therefore I am also Phoenician, and I am white.

3. Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan was the head of the Mongol Empire for two decades in the thirteenth century. But did you know that Genghis Khan’s ancestry is actually from Turkey? Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean he was white, but in the 1956 film The Conqueror, Genghis Khan was portrayed by none other than John Wayne. He is just about the whitest actor who ever lived. Obviously, the good conservatives who cast him in this part must have known Genhis Khan was also white.

Genghis Kahn was white with blue eyes.

4. Frederick Douglass

Frederick Douglass was undoubtedly an accomplished man, and a key influence on why there is a Black History Month and only 11 White History Months. He was instrumental in not only ending slavery but also supporting women’s suffrage, and was the first African American nominated for Vice President of the United States.

Except… his father was white and his mother was black! And while he inherited the skin color of his mother, well, any good conservative and Tea Party American knows that it just must have been his white half that accomplished all those awesome things.

Mr. Peanut

5. Booker T. Washington

PBS says that Booker T. Washington was the most famous black man in America between 1895 and 1915. But like Douglass, his father was white. Plus, his mother was also half-white. On top of that, Booker T. Washington’s crowning achievement was discovering literally hundreds of uses for the peanut.

Now, just speaking culturally, and that’s what matters in these things, peanuts are… I mean, it doesn’t get any more white than that. Look at Mr. Peanut. Has there ever been a more clear image of whiteness?

6. Michael Jackson

In America, everything is about looks. And if you look white, you’re white. And not only did Michael Jackson look white, but Captain EO was just the bomb dot com. Something that cool is clearly an indication of whiteness.

Look, the logic here isn’t always consistent. But good conservatives, like Megyn Kelly, have always trusted instincts and guts more than logic and consistency.

So, in the end, it works like this. If you don’t look white, you can still be white as long as your father was white or you did something really cool in history so that white people look up to you and kick-ass white actors like John Wayne want to play you in a movie.

And that is why Megyn Kelly knows, in her heart, that all the AWESOME people have always been white.



Post Script: Of course by these standards, Barack Hussein Obama is NOT white, even though he was birthed by a white person and raised by white grandparents. He would be white if he had accomplished anything a good solid conservative would want to take credit for… but reforming a broken healthcare system, ending two wars, and striking a nuclear arms treaty with Russia? For shame. Any conservative will tell you, that’s not what a real white person would do.