Chick-Fil-A founder at the Pearly Gates: What is the verdict?

Truett Cathy, founder of Chick Fil A, at the pearly gates.

It was around 2:00 am on Monday morning; my heart was pounding and I was dripping in sweat. I realized, at that very moment, what had just happened – I had been supernaturally teleported, shot from the comfort of my bed, to the pearly gates of Heaven!! It was more than a mere dream….I found myself hovering on a puffy white cloud just above my dear friend Truett Cathy as St. Peter was checking his file just before he was officially welcomed Home.

Mr. Cathy was not only a good friend, but also the founder of Chick-fil-A, the world’s greatest Christian fast-food restaurant. I was flabbergasted to see that St. Peter didn’t look very pleased with his file! As St. Peter read through it, he kept mumbling things like:

“Lawsuits for gender discrimination in the workplace….”

“Lawsuits for religious discrimination… haven’t you ever heard of love thy neighbor, bud?…”

“Ridiculously low wages… that’s certainly not very Christian…”

“Jeepers, and that food… encouraging obesity… didn’t you read the bit about your body being a temple?…”

 

I knew at once I had to step in to speak up for my friend. I couldn’t let Mr. Cathy be sent to the fiery pits of Hell! I forced my way down to the pearly gates and marched right up to St. Peter

“But wait! St. Peter!” I shouted, “Mr. Truett didn’t just mistreat women, non-Christians, and poor people! He didn’t just encourage the degrading of God’s own work, the human body! he was also A VIRTUOUS HOMOPHOBE!!!”

I leafed through St. Peter’s book, and pointed out some all-important facts: Chick-fil-A has donated more than $5 million to organizations that depict gay people as pedophiles, hope to make “gay behavior” illegal, and even say the homosexuals should be “exported” out of America!

He clearly also raised his family with Virtuous Homophobia. His son, Dan Cathy said that if you support homo-marriage, you “are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

And even if it weren’t for all that, here is the clincher: As pointed out by Mega Church Pastor Rick Warren, Chick-Fil-A was closed on Sundays!!!

How could THAT amount of sheer selfless virtue not make up for any other minor slips along the way?

The Heavens fell silent. We stood waiting for St. Peters next words. Looking Mr. Cathy up and down one final time, he begrudgingly said, “Welcome Home, Truett Cathy, welcome Home.”

 

The Biblical solution to gay anal pig demons

Today’s letter is about a very important topic that I’ve talked about before in my video program: demons. But this time we have a more specific problem to address: gay anal pig demons.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I have been trying to convert my next-door neighbor for 15 years now. She is a staunch atheist and under the illusion that her lesbianism is not a mental illness. Whenever I visit her home it smells like a thousand dyeing bodies rotting away under the moldy brown carpet. I understand that lesbians like a laid back lifestyle, no bras, and hairy armpits – but why do they also smell so bad?

Sincerely,

Ramona

Ramona,

It’s time for Christians to stop watering down the truth. You have heard many of our fine religious leaders, like Gordon Klingemschmitt, Republican candidate for the Colorado House of Representatives, tell you that gay people are possessed by demons… but this is only a half truth.

The full truth is: HOMOSEXUALS ACTUALLY ARE DEMONS!

My brother in Christ Bert Farias blogged about this very subject just last week in his Charisma News Column, inexplicably called The Flaming Herald.  Yes, that is actually what it is called.  No, nobody knows why. Here is their banner:

The Flaming Gay Herald

Here’s the raw, naked truth” pastor Bert Farias said, with apparently no concept of how gay that phrase sounds, “Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid-smelling demon that other demons don’t even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right: Being gay is demonic.”

In the loving spirit of Jesus, Brother Bert also reminds us that “Pigs have more sense than” anal-sex loving homosexuals. The demons smelled so bad that even the pigs were willing to drown themselves than be possessed with those smelly sinful spirits! Here is the exact quote from Farias:

“There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn’t want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. Some people embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.”

So there you have it Romana! The loving voice of Jesus is telling you what to do.

Don’t be-friend her. Don’t try to save her soul. She is a demon. Pack your bags and run…. even if that means killing yourself by running down a hill and drowning in the water to get away from her.

It’s the biblical thing to do.

Pastor Gregory

Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God's warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.
Note: These homosexual pig demons did not heed God’s warning and kill themselves by running down a hill into a lake. They will be punished in the afterlife as a result.

How to make sure the sight of Gay Football Kisses don’t send you to hell

It’s that time of the week again! Time for me to answer a new question that I have received from a member of my dear beloved flock.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I wanted to call but I couldn’t get through yesterday, my name is Charlie and I’m 18 years old from Birmingham, AL. I love your program and watch it regularly – so it was no surprise that when I was praying the other night, God told me to call you for advice. I’m new to this whole Christian thing but I’ve got the basics down, vote Republican and read the Bible literally.

But I still have a lot of questions. My dad and I were watching the NFL draft and when the St. Louis Rams picked up Michael Sam, he made out with his boyfriend!! Ever since then I have been unable to get this image out of my head. Every time I hang out with my guy friends, I visualize Michael Sam kissing them. What should I do?

Thanks Rev,
Charlie!

Hi Charlie. First, let me say how thrilled and proud I am to know that you’ve taken Christ into you heart. As you say, you seem to know “the basics”.

All this homosexual behavior can be a bit overwhelming – I personally understand this struggle all too well and have come close to dying because of it!

Since professional soccer player Robbie Rogers hit the field as the first openly “gay” male athlete, many have followed; like NBA player Jason Collins and 1st WBNA drafted player Brittney Griner. As my dear friend and televangelists Jesse Lee Peterson suggests, the liberal media parades these wicked sinners around, never highlighting the fabulous work of Christians who hold “pro-traditional marriage and pro-life views.”

When these demonic images color our TV screens, they have the ability to infest our minds with their left-wing-pro-gay agenda. Like a disease, the revolting message takes control of your brain playing tricks on your eyes… if you’re not careful, it can end up making everyone look gay!!

The Bible’s solution is in Matthew 5:29 where Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.”

I’m afraid you will have to muster your courage, and gouge out your own eyes. It’s the only truly Biblical answer. If you do not, then you will burn in hell consciously for eternity to suffer the penalty of your sinful thoughts.

Now, before you freak out, there may be another way to stop sinful images from entering your brain. I would suggest you completely stop watching liberal news and liberal television. That includes demonic liberal enclaves like MSNBC and Fox News, of course. But it also means you have to stop watching all football games. To once again echo the words of Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, “If you’re still spending money on games, souvenirs and supporting the NFL brand and you call yourself a Christian, you’re a liar and the truth is not in you!”

The safest thing, of course, is to simply stop watching television altogether, because no matter what channel you are on, something might happen that forces you to pluck out your own eyeballs.

The Barack Gaybama-agenda is destroying the family by causing Christians to Biblically kill each other because of the evil lusts caused by sweaty muscle men running around playing with an oversized ball kissing each other! The best solution is to shut yourself in, and protect your eyes from seeing anything that might upset you.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Much love,

Pastor Gregory

Sinful NFL gay kiss of Michael Sam

Who will George Bush paint next? (with illustrations)

It should come at no surprise that former leader of the free world, turned Christian artist, George W. Bush has once again channeled his godly painting powers. We’ve seen his nude selfies and colorful cat works of painted wonder but now Bush has stepped up his game with an uncanny ability to ham-handily paint world-leader portraits.

This set of painted passion highlights the incredible leaders Mr. Bush had the pleasure of meeting during his presidency; from the Dalai Lama to Vladimir Putin, Mr. Bush has stroked the canvas with unbelievable talent.

But I have a suggestion. Why can’t Mr. Bush take his God-given talent to shine the spotlight on conservative leaders right here at home?  Don’t they deserve the same level of honor and recognition as, for example, Mr. Putin? Through Mr. Bush’s talents we can turn this country around with God, guns, and good-old-fashioned water colors!

Here are three suggestions to inspire Mr. Bush’ conservative canvas crusade, with my interpretation of what his paintings will probably look like:

 

Justice RobeertsChief Justice John Roberts is first on the list for his uncanny ability to fight for our freedom to buy elections. Thanks to Roberts and his four fellow Republican justices, wealthy politically active Americans are no longer limited to donate a petty $123,200 but now can spend as much as they want. Freedom isn’t free and nor are elections.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuck Gast

Conservative martyr and former Mozilla CEO, Brendan Eich is second on the list for his unashamed commitment to Biblical homophobia. He and his company’s developers made some hefty donations to the anti-gay Proposition 8 campaign, to which LGBT* activists claimed he was violating Mozilla’s inclusion policies. In reality Brendan Eich was defending his religious freedom, making him a martyr for liberty!

 

 

 

 

Mozilla EichMissouri Rep. Chuck Gatschenberger gushes with GOP brilliance as he ignores the 260,000 Missourians who are going without affordable health care and focused on forcing women to wait 3 days before being allowed an abortion. He truly shined as he defended the bill against angry feminzai’s, “I was just considering getting carpeting in my house. That process probably took a month… I wanted to be as informed as possible, and that’s what this bill is, having them get as much information as possible.”

This letter proves gay marriage will destroy the health care industry

CHAOS has been created by gay marriage in the California health care system
CHAOS has been created by gay marriage in the California health care system
This is an actual letter from Kaiser Permanente. Because Mark is covered under his spouse’s insurance, and his spouse is male, the health insurance system made a very understandable mistake.

One of the things that so-called “gay rights activists” never adequately address is the mass confusion it will cause in our society if we can’t make absolute assumptions about the gender of people’s spouses.

For example, consider a man in California named John. John is insured with Kaiser Permanente, which also offers coverage for spouses. Kaiser Permanente knows that John is married, and that John is male. Therefore, something in their automatic systems decided it just made sense to send the above letter to John’s spouse.

Except that John’s spouse is a man named Mark.

Sure, you probably find the above letter very funny, but obviously this is the strongest argument against gay marriage yet!

I mean, none of the other arguments have worked out.

Science has shown that gay people are no worse at being parents, no more likely to be deviant or criminal, no more likely to be abusive, and no more likely to be unhealthy than straight people.

It turns out that our constitution actually isn’t based on the Bible and what certain Christians believe, so all of the “proof” in the world that God hates gay people actually can’t be used as an argument to make gay marriage illegal.

And more and more people are actually realizing that gay people are happy, normal, healthy friends of theirs.

So what is left? Form letters!!

We cannot allow gay marriage in the United States because a bureaucratic nightmare that will ensue if we have to reprogram all of the systems, like the one that generated this letter, that all assume that people are married to people of the opposite sex!

That’s really the best argument …. the only argument… that conservatives really have left.

 

Gays denied the right to be persecuted in peace

My drawing about how awesome discrimination is
My drawing about how awesome discrimination is
“Discrimination is awesome if you love Jesus” drawn by RepubliGAL

I have been invited by a wonderful anti-sodomy, Uganda-apologist type church (SUPER progressive on African matters) in Phoenix, Arizona to speak this Sunday about the important bill that unfortunately got destroyed last week. Yes, I’m talking about the gay segregation bill, HB 2153, which was vetoed by my former hero, Arizona governor Jan Brewer (R.†)

The bill, which would have allowed gay people to be denied entry into business establishments that align themselves closely with the Lord, would have been good for the souls of gay people. It would have invited gay members of the community to experience first-hand the persecution experienced by Christians in the time of Jesus Christ, thereby bringing them closer to the LORD.

Clearly, Gov. Brewer missed the point, as she vetoed this glorious bill like a treacherous liberal lesbian (TLL™).

By preventing business owners from using signage such as “No dogs or gays allowed” we are preventing tax-paying, gay men and women from experiencing the benefits and glory of persecution and ridicule.

Because when good Christians mock, intimidate, and bully gay people, you have to understand it’s with love in our hearts. It’s for their own good. Those of God’s creatures who engage in beastly sexual abominations are secretly looking for Christ to Save them. Ridicule and persecution are just a tool to help them realize what disgusting abominations they are, so that they can turn heterosexual!

Plus, just think of all the construction jobs LOST in Arizona by preventing the building of concentration camps and new human cargo railroad systems. LOST JOBS, BREWER.

Anyway, the veto of this bill may have profound negative consequences on the future of persecution in America. I mean, what if we end up allowing Muslims, Blacks, Indians and yes, even Jews, gay or otherwise, to simply roam free on American soil without fear or mild discomfort? How will they become Christian then, hmmm?

Discrimination against sodomic homosexuals is at the core of who we are as Republicans and Americans. And Jan Brewer is a Republican. So by vetoing this bull, what is she saying? What does it mean?

Essentially, I think she is saying this: “I’m a Republican and a Christian and I project powerful Christianity and will continue to do so but we can’t segregate gays but gays are evil abominations anyway I am a lover of Christ, gays are bad, amen.”

So in conclusion, Jan Brewer is creating a force field of magnetic resistance around her that might expand to the point where physics just makes no sense and the universe will explode but not due to the Rapture and that will just make everything SUCK for Christians UGH I hate EVERYTHING vote GOP in 2014 I love you bye!

The Arizona Bible, and the 5 Commandments of Cake

The 5 Commandments of Cake

The single most important issue in Arizona politics today is cake. Christians want to be allowed to follow their deeply-held beliefs about who gets cake, and who does not get cake.

They have told the world that giving cake to homosexuals is AGAINST THEIR RELIGION. It is against the Bible, and against the teachings of Jesus. If you force them to sell cake to homosexuals then you are forcing them to go against the most deeply-held beliefs of their Christianity!

But is it really true?

As it happens, the Bible only mentions “cake” three times, and it is in the context of David giving cakes of dates and raisins to people (1 Samuel 30:12, 2 Samuel 6:19, and 1 Chronicles 16:3). These were not wedding cakes. I’m not sure what would happen if you tried to make a wedding cake out of dates and raisins, but I’m pretty sure those customers would not be happy.

So the Bible doesn’t literally say that Christians can’t sell cakes to homosexuals. In fact, the Bible doesn’t actually forbid Christians from engaging in any types of economic transactions with homosexuals.

Moreover, Jesus was known for giving stuff, including baked goods, away for free to large numbers of people. Often to sinners.

So according to most Biblical scholarship, there is nothing in Christian belief that forbids Christians from selling cake to homosexuals.

So where do Arizona Christians get this idea from?

Apparently, the Arizona Christian Bible is different. In Arizona, they know God better than God knows himself.

It’s possible that in Arizona, the Bible says that they are not allowed to sell bread to black people.  Maybe soon we will find out that Arizona Christians are morally obligated to not sell croissants to Jews.

What’s to stop them? In Arizona, apparently they are just so darned Christian that they can make shit up, and call any feeling they have a “deeply held Christian belief” that they want the rest of the world to respect.

So, in the spirit of the very special Arizona Bible, which has nothing to do with actual Christianity, we present to you:

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF CAKE! 
(from the Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition)

The 5 Commandments of Cake
Excerpt from the official Arizona Bible, 2014 Edition, followed by all Good Arizona Christians.

 

Republican jobs plan: REVEALED!!!

Top Secret

Liberals like making fun of Republicans because, despite claims to be “laser-focused on job creation“, they seem to be talking about pretty much anything except improving jobs for the American people.

But liberals have got it wrong. They just don’t understand. Republicans have been working non-stop on job creation… at the state level.  They have just kept it a secret.

So, we now proudly reveal to you: the Republican jobs plan…. already in progress!

Step 1. Allow guns EVERYWHERE.

Republicans lawmakers in Georgia are demonstrating their laser focus on getting the people of their state to work by making it legal to bring guns into bars. While liberals might think this has nothing to do with jobs, they are wrong. Obviously, people who are brain-dead drunk to carry firearms will create demand for a wide variety of jobs, including law enforcement professionals and emergency care surgeons.

Obviously, any law that makes it more likely that someone rip-roaring drunk will fire off a shot is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.

 

Step 2. Legalize discrimination.

Republicans lawmakers in Arizona have passed laws that make it legal to deny goods and services to gay people. This is clearly part of a larger job-creation vision. Just think about all of the scared, narrow-minded, bigoted potential employers out there who say to themselves, “Golly, I have a perfect business idea that would make tons of money, and I have the means to start this business, but I AM SO FRIGHTENED I MIGHT HAVE TO PROVIDE SERVICES TO GAY PEOPLE that I just won’t do it!”

Clearly, any bill legalizing discrimination is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.

 

Step 3. Outlaw abortion

Republicans in several states have been working almost non-stop to outlaw abortions and put doctors in jail. Now, some liberals ridiculously claim that this has nothing to do with jobs. But this is because they are short-sighted. This is part of the Republican long-term jobs plan. You see, when children are born into homes that may not be able to care for them effectively or support them financially, more families are plunged into poverty. Since Republicans also are against providing any assistance to these families after the children are born, these people will be desperately poor and willing to work for crap wages. This will depress pay and allow companies to hire people for almost nothing. Additionally, all of these poor people will be more likely to suffer from untreated healthcare problems, in addition to all of the health problems associated with people who will try to perform back-alley abortions and end up hurting themselves as a result, which will create more jobs for medical workers in emergency care facilities, and of course more jobs for people who build coffins.

So, see? Once again: a Republican jobs plan.

Now the only real question is… why aren’t all of the Republicans proudly advertising this jobs plan?

I can’t imagine.

Ellen Page’s sexuality destroyed my marriage!

This is what all lesbians look like
This is what all lesbians look like
Apparently this is what the well-dressed lesbian is wearing in today’s society. No wonder she’s destroying marriages!

When I heard that Ellen Page delivered an amazing speech that took YouTube by storm, I was really excited. I mean, sure, she is Canadian, but that is okay. After all, she was the girl who as a teenager became pregnant out of wedlock and decided not to have an abortion, so she must be a God-fearing patriot.

People tell me that “Juno” is not a documentary, but it has to be. I mean, there’s simply no way anybody could write dialogue that realistic.

But then I actually watched the speech!! I had been ambushed. Ellen Page was about to reveal herself as a proudly gay woman!

Naturally, my first thought was: “How is this going to affect me???”

I do not need to tell you about the dangers of homosexuality. Everybody knows that the acceptance of homosexuality in a society leads to rampant bestiality and NBC viewership.

But if you need even more proof, I received an email yesterday from Sterling Dalton of Arlington, TX, who wrote me with a harrowing story which he gave me permission to publish.

Hi Zach,First, I would just like to say that you are an inspiration to REAL conservatives all over the country. Your ability to cut through the facts and expose the pervasiveness of the liberal agenda is commendable. You made me realize that liberal atheist muslims are everywhere, and I am eternally grateful.

I regret that I must write you with hate in my heart. Not healthy hate, like hate for people who think it is okay to press 1 for English. But hate toward my wife, who just one week ago I shared my 24th wedding anniversary with. Our marriage was perfect. We have three boys together and they are very straight.

At least, all of that was true….. until Ellen Page came out of the closet!

As soon as I heard the news, the walls began to bend. There was a ringing in my ears. Everything got kind of fuzzy. I don’t know what happened next. I woke up in a ditch off Interstate 30. I hitchhiked back into town to find that my house had burned down and my wife was staying at her mother’s house. Nobody would tell me where the kids were, and the police said I was not allowed to know.

It was just like Pat Robertson said, I’m sure. The feminist agenda made Ellen Page convince my wife to leave me, kill my children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become a lesbian.

I just makes me so sad, Zach. I have never met Ellen Page, so why did she so maliciously use her sexuality to ruin my marriage? Please help me, Zach. You’re America’s only hope to fight against the way that what happens in private bedrooms is ruining the lives of Christians everywhere.

Sincerely,
Sterling Dalton

NEXT READ: Obamacare will completely destroy marriage… probably

IMPORTANT NOTICE: being openly Christian is courageous, being openly gay is not

Look, there seems to be a lot of confusion going around right now about what is and is not courageous when it comes to NFL football. As a public service announcement, we’d like to clear things up.

When you publicly announce or advertise your Christianity, effectively shoving it down people’s throats despite the fact that it has nothing to do with football, calling all of this attention to yourself based purely on the mere fact that you want everyone to know that you are Christian…… the verdict is: VERY COURAGEOUS.

Rush Limbaugh: Tebow showed courage.

Sean Hannity: What a courageous young man.

“Before It’s News”: Tim Tebow is blessed and courageous! It takes courage to be biblical!

 

On the other hand, when you publicly announce or advertise your homosexuality, effectively shoving it down people’s throats despite the fact that it has nothing to do with football, calling all of this attention to yourself based on the mere fact that you want everyone to know that you are homosexual…… the verdict is: NOT COURAGEOUS.

Rush Limbaugh: Announcing that you like to have sex with another man is not courageous!

Sean Hannity: This has nothing to do with football. Why are we even talking about this?

Some other minor radio host in Dallas: Who cares? I don’t want to know what he does in his spare time. It’s not courageous to throw it in our faces.

 


 

You see, ladies and gentlemen, it take real courage to let people know that you are a Christian. Christians, who make up 76% of the population in the United States, are completely shut out of the mainstream. Since every single President since Andrew Johnson and the vast majority of all politicians have always been Christian, it’s pretty clear that admitting to being a Christian is a shameful thing that people want to avoid.

It does NOT take courage, on the other hand, to let people know that you are a member of a minority group that regularly are victims of actual physical hate crimes and constantly suffer from teasing and ostracizing. It especially doesn’t take courage in organizations like the NFL, where there are coaches who have said that all gay people should be shipped to an island and nuked.

I mean, why would you think that takes courage? That’s just stupid.

What does it mean to be courageous?

More crazy liberal bias from the dictionary!

Liberally Biased Language

Liberally Biased Language

The dictionary is changing. And good conservatives know that all change is bad. Therefore, the dictionary has liberal bias.

But this time, it’s even worse than usual: the dictionary is changing the definition of “marriage”.

According to the Macmillan Dictionary, “marriage” now means: “The relationship between two people who are husband and wife, or a similar relationship between people of the same sex.”

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “marriage” now means: “The condition of being a husband or wife; the relation between persons married to each other; matrimony”, with a supplementary line which says “the term is now sometimes used with reference to long-term relationships between partners of the same sex”.

 

Christians all know that words are defined by God.

Michael Rundell, the editor-in-chief of Macmillan Dictionary, says that the official definitions of words depends on how people use words. “We have a corpus of two billion words, a huge collection of text including books, magazines and recorded speech, which we analyse in great detail to understand frequent and common usage,” Rundell said.

What more evidence to you need? Obviously, dictionaries are liberals!!!!

We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the picture above to indicate this fact.

Will Obama create a Super-Gay Olympic army by cloning Johnny Weir and attack Russia?

Obama's super-gay clone Olympic army?

There have been a number of facts recently that, when taken together, lead to some very disturbing questions, with even more disturbing implications. We are here to connect the dots for you.

FACT #1. President Obama wants to send as many gay people as possible to Russia for the Olympics.  He said so himself; or at least, that’s what some people heard.

FACT #2. President Obama wants to create a secret army to take of the United States, according to a person who makes a living coming up with imaginary science-fiction stories.

FACT #3. President Obama thinks the army should force people to be gay, according to some person somewhere.

FACT #4. President Obama has been compared to Hitler, and we all know that Hitler was interested in genetic engineering, eugenics, cloning, and all of that creepy science stuff.

FACT #5. Johnny Weir is an Olympic skater, and is not just gay: he’s really, really, super-gay.

When you put these together, they point to a very obvious, and very scary, question:

Will Obama used Nazi-inspired cloning techniques to clone Johnny Weir and create a Super-Gay Olympic Army that he will then use to invade Russia???

 

…and more importantly: Why isn’t the mainstream media asking this question? Isn’t that, itself, evidence of a cover up?

Obama's super-gay clone Olympic army?

We report, you decide.

 

The Supreme Court’s Big Gay Decision

Tea Party Cat Predictions!

Tea Party Cat Predictions!Everybody is expecting the Supreme Court to rule on Marriage Equality within the next week. Nobody knows what they will decide… but at least I can tell you what our Republican leaders will be thinking.

If the Supreme Court rules to support same-sex marriage, even in part, we know what Republicans will think…

 


Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson
“God will be upset with America, and no doubt there will be tornadoes in Oklahoma and hurricanes in the Gulf as punishment.”
Alex Jones
Alex Jones
“This is totally bogus! A man can marry another man, but I still can’t marry my gun!”
NRA
NRA
“We have instructed ALEC to create a Stand Your Ground so you can shoot a guy you thought was gonna try to gay marry you.
You’re welcome.”
Bryan Fischer
Bryan Fischer
“Maybe gay marriage isn’t in the Constitution, but you just go to Leviticus. That’s what Thomas Jefferson would do.”
Louie Gohmert
Louie Gohmert
“The way my dog explained this to me is that now he and I have to get married. I warned you people this would happen.”
Steve King
Steve King
“None of the Founders were gay married, so no one should be able to get gay married now.”
Scalia
Scalia
“I’m sick of decisions upholding Obama’s agenda. The Founders didn’t let women vote, so why they allowed on my Supreme Court?”
Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin
“All that legal mumbo jumbo to justify what we know is wrong. The Founding Fathers weren’t lawyers, so why are lawyers in charge now?!”
Lindsey Graham
Ms. Lindsey Graham
“WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME???”

Of course, it is always possible that the decision will go the other way, and that DOMA and Proposition 8 will both be upheld. In that case, it is also clear what our Republican leaders will be thinking…


Rick Santorum
Rick Santorum
“I’m sure relieved the 14th Amendment doesn’t apply to gays!”
Bryan Fischer
Bryan Fischer
“This is a great day. Our 1st Amendment right to have a Christian theocracy has been upheld.”
Rick Perry
Rick Perry
“I hope the Boy Scouts see this and go back to banning gay scouts, because only straight boys deserve to get life lessons.”
Mike Huckabee
Mike Huckabee
“Great news! Let’s all go to Chick-fil-A!”
Michele Bachmann
Michele Bachmann
“This gives me great hope that God will also get the Senate and Obama to overturn Obamacare too.”
Lindsey Graham
Ms. Lindsey Graham
“WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME???”

 

Related Post: The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath

Pope Benedict protects us from liberal bias

Pope Benedict illustrates the dangers of gay marriage using a gay hat as a prop.

Pope Benedict illustrates the dangers of gay marriage using a gay hat as a prop.

 

Youth minister Greg Stevens writes an open letter to Pope Benedict XVI to thank him for his efforts to rid the world of liberal bias.


Dear Pope Benedict,

As the leader of the largest and oldest Christian tradition on planet Earth, you have tirelessly fought to bring light, joy, and peace to the human condition. You have reminded us that condoms are okay, but only when used by male prostitutes to slow the spread of HIV. You eloquently wrote that, as Christians, we should pray before each and every time we have sex. You have helped us fight against the tragic “tsunami of secular influence” by blessing the condemnation of birth control, speaking out against the feminazi nuns, and even opening a personal Twitter account to better spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And this past December, you did it again. You have once again proven your incredible ability to lead millions of Christians in the loving, humble and beautiful way of Jesus by reminding us all that gays are a “manipulation of nature”.

As a single, 85 year old virgin, your God-inspired wisdom on relationships is absolutely vital. Yours is a voice that we Christians cherish and proclaim with great pride.

Because you couldn’t be more right in pointing out that gay marriage represents an attack on traditional marriage that is for “the exclusive profit of a tiny minority”. Jesus might have been into helping some minorities, but obviously not the “tiny” minorities.

It is also absolutely true that marriage is rooted in fiscal irresponsibility. I can only hope that the millions of dollars given by Catholics around the world this next Sunday could be used to combat such lucrative attacks on our faith.

So I wanted to reach out and thank you.

Thank you for equipping priests around the globe to model healthy relationships with women and men, but most importantly our children. After all, it is our Priests who’ve followed the Gospel of Mark’s story of Jesus  so faithfully, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them…” (Mark 10:13, New International Version).

Thank you for valuing liberty and justice for all in your incredible ability to speak truth to the manipulation of love. It is love that we must speak to before we can ever begin to understand how to respond to global poverty, human slave-trade and environmental degradation. It is important to rebuke homosexuals, because maybe once they get love right, we good Christians can move on to working on other societal problems.

Thank you for holding fast to the belief in natural relationships. As believers in the Bible, we must never forget the importance of natural scientific facts. After all, sin entered this world through the deception of a talking snake.

And most of all, thank you for reminding us that same-sex, loving, and monogamous relationships are evil.

God Bless You.

Greg Stevens