It was around 2:00 am on Monday morning; my heart was pounding and I was dripping in sweat. I realized, at that very moment, what had just happened – I had been supernaturally teleported, shot from the comfort of my bed, to the pearly gates of Heaven!! It was more than a mere dream….I found myself hovering on a puffy white cloud just above my dear friend Truett Cathy as St. Peter was checking his file just before he was officially welcomed Home.
Mr. Cathy was not only a good friend, but also the founder of Chick-fil-A, the world’s greatest Christian fast-food restaurant. I was flabbergasted to see that St. Peter didn’t look very pleased with his file! As St. Peter read through it, he kept mumbling things like:
“Lawsuits for gender discrimination in the workplace….”
“Lawsuits for religious discrimination… haven’t you ever heard of love thy neighbor, bud?…”
“Ridiculously low wages… that’s certainly not very Christian…”
“Jeepers, and that food… encouraging obesity… didn’t you read the bit about your body being a temple?…”
I knew at once I had to step in to speak up for my friend. I couldn’t let Mr. Cathy be sent to the fiery pits of Hell! I forced my way down to the pearly gates and marched right up to St. Peter
“But wait! St. Peter!” I shouted, “Mr. Truett didn’t just mistreat women, non-Christians, and poor people! He didn’t just encourage the degrading of God’s own work, the human body! he was also A VIRTUOUS HOMOPHOBE!!!”
I leafed through St. Peter’s book, and pointed out some all-important facts: Chick-fil-A has donated more than $5 million to organizations that depict gay people as pedophiles, hope to make “gay behavior” illegal, and even say the homosexuals should be “exported” out of America!
He clearly also raised his family with Virtuous Homophobia. His son, Dan Cathy said that if you support homo-marriage, you “are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”
And even if it weren’t for all that, here is the clincher: As pointed out by Mega Church Pastor Rick Warren, Chick-Fil-A was closed on Sundays!!!
How could THAT amount of sheer selfless virtue not make up for any other minor slips along the way?
The Heavens fell silent. We stood waiting for St. Peters next words. Looking Mr. Cathy up and down one final time, he begrudgingly said, “Welcome Home, Truett Cathy, welcome Home.”