Four clear-cut reasons soccer is un-Christian and must be banished from the land!!

Dear Faithful Readers,

It has come to my attention that our viewership has been down this month. Going to Jesus in prayer, He told me it was because of Satan’s sinful soccer game – the World Cup. The King of Darkness has some how orchestrated a global gathering of televised homoerotic foot-fetish debauchery, and it has distracted good Americans from more important things. Like prayer, and reading articles on LiberalBias.com.

Satan must be stopped! Soccer must be exposed!

First, research has shown that soccer evolved from the beloved English game Footsie!, but sinners have manipulated our innocent foot fun into a mess of daisy-boys prancing around after colorful balls. According to our source, “Baptist research indicates that ‘Playing Footsie’ often leads powder-puff little gay daisy boys into choosing to participate in an even more dangerous game later in life: that game is called sodomy!

Second, Satan uses “sports” like soccer to promote Socialist ideas. The Soccer-Industrial Complex refuses to allow individuality and creates mindless hedonists kicking balls around in circles. Many of these mindless soccer sinners even grow out their hair, which God says is an abomination (Leviticus 10:6).

Third, soccer also destroys traditional Christian heterosexual monogamous families. The short shorts these players are wearing are not only causing women to lustfully leave their husbands, but are also exposing our children to the homosexual lifestyle when player’s testicles flop out of their tiny booty-shorts. Many of these men prance around showing off their bodies as if they are sex symbols or something, when every good traditional Christian knows that’s what women’s bodies are for!

The craven sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay.... because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies.... or something.
The sexual exploitation of men in soccer, which proves soccer is gay…. because straight men know that only women should be exploited for their bodies! …or something. Christians know what I mean.

Men having sexually attractive bodies is just… not part of Christian family values. It might be custom in uncivilized countries for men to run around naked, but this is America and male nudity must be controlled with fear of God’s own hand!  Uh… judgement, I mean.

Finally, speaking of hands, Satan’s socialist soccer game is an outward expression of total stupidity and ignorance. God gave humans hands, but in soccer you are only allowed to use your feet. How stupid is that? Idiots. “Oh simple ones, learn prudence; Oh fools, learn sense” (Proverbs 8:5).

 

In conclusion, there is a good reason true Americans don’t understand soccer, and all of this intense soccer-viewing is surely a sign that America is on the decline!  In the name of Jesus please call your local representatives and pastors – warn them of this abomination! Get involved! Fight back!

In His steps,

Pastor Gregory

 

P.S. Just to prove to you how terrible soccer is, here is one more sinful, evil picture of men who play soccer DO NOT LOOK AT IT TOO MUCH because you might have to pluck out your own eyeballs as penance.

photo courtesy of Vanity Fair
photo courtesy of Vanity Fair

How to make sure the sight of Gay Football Kisses don’t send you to hell

It’s that time of the week again! Time for me to answer a new question that I have received from a member of my dear beloved flock.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I wanted to call but I couldn’t get through yesterday, my name is Charlie and I’m 18 years old from Birmingham, AL. I love your program and watch it regularly – so it was no surprise that when I was praying the other night, God told me to call you for advice. I’m new to this whole Christian thing but I’ve got the basics down, vote Republican and read the Bible literally.

But I still have a lot of questions. My dad and I were watching the NFL draft and when the St. Louis Rams picked up Michael Sam, he made out with his boyfriend!! Ever since then I have been unable to get this image out of my head. Every time I hang out with my guy friends, I visualize Michael Sam kissing them. What should I do?

Thanks Rev,
Charlie!

Hi Charlie. First, let me say how thrilled and proud I am to know that you’ve taken Christ into you heart. As you say, you seem to know “the basics”.

All this homosexual behavior can be a bit overwhelming – I personally understand this struggle all too well and have come close to dying because of it!

Since professional soccer player Robbie Rogers hit the field as the first openly “gay” male athlete, many have followed; like NBA player Jason Collins and 1st WBNA drafted player Brittney Griner. As my dear friend and televangelists Jesse Lee Peterson suggests, the liberal media parades these wicked sinners around, never highlighting the fabulous work of Christians who hold “pro-traditional marriage and pro-life views.”

When these demonic images color our TV screens, they have the ability to infest our minds with their left-wing-pro-gay agenda. Like a disease, the revolting message takes control of your brain playing tricks on your eyes… if you’re not careful, it can end up making everyone look gay!!

The Bible’s solution is in Matthew 5:29 where Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away.”

I’m afraid you will have to muster your courage, and gouge out your own eyes. It’s the only truly Biblical answer. If you do not, then you will burn in hell consciously for eternity to suffer the penalty of your sinful thoughts.

Now, before you freak out, there may be another way to stop sinful images from entering your brain. I would suggest you completely stop watching liberal news and liberal television. That includes demonic liberal enclaves like MSNBC and Fox News, of course. But it also means you have to stop watching all football games. To once again echo the words of Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, “If you’re still spending money on games, souvenirs and supporting the NFL brand and you call yourself a Christian, you’re a liar and the truth is not in you!”

The safest thing, of course, is to simply stop watching television altogether, because no matter what channel you are on, something might happen that forces you to pluck out your own eyeballs.

The Barack Gaybama-agenda is destroying the family by causing Christians to Biblically kill each other because of the evil lusts caused by sweaty muscle men running around playing with an oversized ball kissing each other! The best solution is to shut yourself in, and protect your eyes from seeing anything that might upset you.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Much love,

Pastor Gregory

Sinful NFL gay kiss of Michael Sam