If Republicans had any brains, they’d be Tories

With the recent “shutdown” in Washington, the American government resembles either a roundabout or The Godfather Part IV. From the other side of the pond, we can’t quite make out which.

Democrats have u-turned on Syria.

Republicans want to hold the country at knifepoint over Obamacare.

And the Tea Party seems to be looking to burn Capitol Hill to the ground.

Aside from a mild inclination to reference “Remember, Remember…” and “You turn if you want to…”, British Conservatives are finding this all a bit too frantic for our taste. If the argument cannot be won by four, then one had best put it off until tomorrow, lest one be late for tea.

More importantly, shutting down government spending might force us to switch from Fortnum & Mason to PG tips. Fortunately, this stoic approach also affords the benefit of preventing the political transgressions that incite temper tantrums akin to those of Mike Lee and Ted Cruz.

If a single British government can manage social austerity, NHS maintenance, and defense budget cuts during a deficit, surely you can find a way to pay your own salaries and avoid tautological entropy?

Perhaps we are being too harsh. Perhaps there are hidden cultural differences between the conservative people of the UK and the fraternal conservatives of its former colony, which have led to an occlusion in our perspective.

For the purpose elucidation, we shall explore this point of potential sociological misunderstanding.

Tories love women.In British conservatism, you see, we prefer common sense. We were reasonable enough to allow Elizabeth I to reign without a husband. Modern Tories are no different. Conservatives elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman PM decades ago. Republicans, by contrast, don’t seem to know enough about women to understand rape, let alone put one up for the oval office.

Indeed, one wonders if some Republicans have ever met a woman (aside from the Sarah Palin sort).

David Cameron, Conservative PM, had a special needs son and would never dream of standing in the way of stem cell research that could help a child like his. Furthermore, Parliament’s recent legislation to legalise same-sex marriage was put forward by the Tories. Although, we might have expected it with several ‘out’ members of the British cabinet and we’ve all heard the rumours about old Etonians.

Remember that Reagan was a centrist and, like Thatcher, believed in proactive government—not retroactive leadership focused on undoing measures you simply don’t fancy.  Without such pragmatism, the West could not have brought down the East and Britain may have never recovered from its post-war depression.

Tories keep to that sensibility. Republicans seem to have taken a wrong turn on the Long Walk to Finchley.

So, to aid Republicans in their navigation, we’ve prepared a sensible shortlist:

  1. If you’re going to be conservative, at least learn how to wear white tie.
  2. For the appropriate use of God, as a word, see British political usage. Notice it has little to do with anything but saving the Queen.
  3. Guns are for grouse not grousing.
  4. Insisting on repeal and engaging in filibuster—what seems to us as babbling like a loon—wastes the operational budget.
  5. Preventing gay marriage will not keep men from touching each other, nor cohabitating, nor making those delicious cupcakes that make your church so much money in the bake sale. Also, it will not affect your son’s sexuality.
  6. Religion is an institution for pageantry and pretty songs—not oppression.

In the end, we ejected our religious zealots and malcontents to you in the 16th and 17th Centuries.


We’re sorry you’re still having trouble with them.

Being Reformation Christians, perhaps they should…. reform.

Then, there’s always Australia.



If any Republicans wish to comment on the above, correspondence may be submitted in triplicate during the month of July in leap year, signed in witness of a notary, received by the Home Office for inspection, and pass secondary review at the British High Commission, Canada, before being delivered to destination. Cost, fifty Pounds Sterling. 

DOCTOR WHO has a liberal bias!

Doctor Who is an anti-American liberal

Last Sunday, the pinkos at the BBC held a posh little get-together to announce the next title character on their flagship television series: Doctor Who.

In case you are a patriot, and therefore don’t know anything about foreign stuff, Doctor Who is a television show that is basically an amalgamation of James Bond and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. It is a blasphemous celebration of Satanism (see: The Satan Pit), pansexuality (see: Captain Jack Harkness), beastiality (Harkness, again), and a universe where everything exists except the Christian God.

Fans of Doctor Who, mostly congregated on the homosexual pornography website Tumblr, have been speculating for months over who would be chosen to replace current star, Matt Smith. Since the role has been played by white men for the last fifty years, one politically correct Tumblr user expressed the hope that this time a black lesbian with a tail should take over the role.

This request received over 150,000 “notes” on the site, most of which came after another user pinned their illustration of former Doctor Who star David Tennant rubbing his phallus on Dalek. I should point out that the Daleks are portrayed in a terribly biased way, but are really the most amicable characters on the show.

Fans were deeply saddened, but not surprised, when the show announced that Peter Capaldi, another white male, would be the new star. This happily reaffirms that the institutional discrimination against white men really can be overcome as long as white men fight hard enough!

However, that said, this is still not welcome news, my fellow patriots. You see…Peter Capaldi is still British …. and more importantly, not at all American!


It just doesn’t make sense. Why would the BBC want to make the main character of a popular television show… a foreigner?

Of course, there have been some noble attempts to cast an American as the hero of Doctor Who. Steven Spielberg took a crack at the show in the 1990s, and director David Yates tried to make a Hollywood film based on the franchise. But none of these attempts was ever entirely successful.

Why not? Is it because of the deep jealousy that the British have that their “spinoff country” has been consistently beating them in the ratings for over two centuries?

Or is it because Hollywood is run by LIBERALS?

The anti-American liberal agenda is clearly driving the entertainment industry away from casting hardworking Americans, who every day move to Los Angeles and pull themselves up by their bootstraps only to have their dreams crushed by the redcoats taking our jobs.

Doctor Who may be a British production, but … actually, how did we even allow that to happen in the first place?

It’s illegal to bring Cuban cigars into the United States, so why do we let the British infiltrate our number one export, television entertainment, with their timey wimey spaceman malarkey?

And while this foreign Doctor Who continues to gain a foothold in America, much like the creeping rise of Islamic radicalism, what is President Obama doing to protect our own economy and jobs?


Thanks a lot, Obama!

Doctor Who is an anti-American liberal