If Republicans had any brains, they’d be Tories

With the recent “shutdown” in Washington, the American government resembles either a roundabout or The Godfather Part IV. From the other side of the pond, we can’t quite make out which.

Democrats have u-turned on Syria.

Republicans want to hold the country at knifepoint over Obamacare.

And the Tea Party seems to be looking to burn Capitol Hill to the ground.

Aside from a mild inclination to reference “Remember, Remember…” and “You turn if you want to…”, British Conservatives are finding this all a bit too frantic for our taste. If the argument cannot be won by four, then one had best put it off until tomorrow, lest one be late for tea.

More importantly, shutting down government spending might force us to switch from Fortnum & Mason to PG tips. Fortunately, this stoic approach also affords the benefit of preventing the political transgressions that incite temper tantrums akin to those of Mike Lee and Ted Cruz.

If a single British government can manage social austerity, NHS maintenance, and defense budget cuts during a deficit, surely you can find a way to pay your own salaries and avoid tautological entropy?

Perhaps we are being too harsh. Perhaps there are hidden cultural differences between the conservative people of the UK and the fraternal conservatives of its former colony, which have led to an occlusion in our perspective.

For the purpose elucidation, we shall explore this point of potential sociological misunderstanding.

Tories love women.In British conservatism, you see, we prefer common sense. We were reasonable enough to allow Elizabeth I to reign without a husband. Modern Tories are no different. Conservatives elected Margaret Thatcher to be the first woman PM decades ago. Republicans, by contrast, don’t seem to know enough about women to understand rape, let alone put one up for the oval office.

Indeed, one wonders if some Republicans have ever met a woman (aside from the Sarah Palin sort).

David Cameron, Conservative PM, had a special needs son and would never dream of standing in the way of stem cell research that could help a child like his. Furthermore, Parliament’s recent legislation to legalise same-sex marriage was put forward by the Tories. Although, we might have expected it with several ‘out’ members of the British cabinet and we’ve all heard the rumours about old Etonians.

Remember that Reagan was a centrist and, like Thatcher, believed in proactive government—not retroactive leadership focused on undoing measures you simply don’t fancy.  Without such pragmatism, the West could not have brought down the East and Britain may have never recovered from its post-war depression.

Tories keep to that sensibility. Republicans seem to have taken a wrong turn on the Long Walk to Finchley.

So, to aid Republicans in their navigation, we’ve prepared a sensible shortlist:

  1. If you’re going to be conservative, at least learn how to wear white tie.
  2. For the appropriate use of God, as a word, see British political usage. Notice it has little to do with anything but saving the Queen.
  3. Guns are for grouse not grousing.
  4. Insisting on repeal and engaging in filibuster—what seems to us as babbling like a loon—wastes the operational budget.
  5. Preventing gay marriage will not keep men from touching each other, nor cohabitating, nor making those delicious cupcakes that make your church so much money in the bake sale. Also, it will not affect your son’s sexuality.
  6. Religion is an institution for pageantry and pretty songs—not oppression.

In the end, we ejected our religious zealots and malcontents to you in the 16th and 17th Centuries.


We’re sorry you’re still having trouble with them.

Being Reformation Christians, perhaps they should…. reform.

Then, there’s always Australia.



If any Republicans wish to comment on the above, correspondence may be submitted in triplicate during the month of July in leap year, signed in witness of a notary, received by the Home Office for inspection, and pass secondary review at the British High Commission, Canada, before being delivered to destination. Cost, fifty Pounds Sterling.