With the swearing-in of the new Tea Party Senate of 2015, we can officially declare that the problem of liberal bias in the world has been solved. Mission Accomplished! As a result, this website will go on hold, at least for now… you never know when the dreaded evil of liberal bias might rear its ugly head once again!
Our weekly Youtube show, Helzel’s View, grew immensely in popularity since it started earlier this year. Here are the top most-viewed videos by Zach Heltzel on the Liberal Bias Video Youtube channel!!
In this video, American Mass Murderer explains why he keeps on killing, and what needs to happen before he will stop.
Ted Cruz’s bid to be the GOP Presidential Candidate in 2016 is illegal, unconstitutional, and maybe a violation of reptilian animal rights.
Discover all of the facts and the entire timeline of the Benghazi cover-up and scandal, reenacted in two minutes.
NUMBER 2 (ALMOST THERE): Conservative quotes proving that racism is totally over in America
We have collected a montage of the best quotes from conservative icons proving beyond any doubt that there is no racism in America any more!
NUMBER 1 MOST VIEWED VIDEO THIS YEAR….
Liberals are just ruining life for straight white men, and now they are ruining comic books. Zach Heltzel predicts the future of Marvel.
From Obama’s tyrannical executive orders to restaurants charging Obamacare fees, here are the top 10 most popular articles from 2014 that expose the demons and danger of that dreaded LIBERAL BIAS!!
NUMBER 5: Is there a war on masculinity? Yes, but not the one you think., 20 Jan 2014 by Zach Heltzel
Masculine young men are, in fact, so obsessed with musculature and masculinity that they idolize men who are better looking than themselves. This obsession simulates the same neurological response as attraction… thus making all men who aspire to be masculine feel urges and feelings that are …. well, kinda gay.
NUMBER 4: It is un-American to criticize the President during a time of war!, 04 Sep 2014, by The Daily Edge
If you are a Fox News viewer, you know that it is unpatriotic and positively un-American to criticize anything that our President, George W. Bush, has ever done to protect us from the terrorists he failed to protect us from on 9/11! All of that criticism of President George Bush is just offensive, and un-American. Oh, by the way… can you believe what a screw up this Obama guy is?
NUMBER 3: Aging White Voters Still Mad at Black Man Who Fixed Economy, 05 Nov 2014, by The Daily Edge
Republicans rode a wave of aging white male rage to reclaim the Senate, increase their leadership in the House, and win key Gubernatorial races this Tuesday. Turnout among 60+ voters soared to 37% of the total.
NUMBER 2 (ALMOST THERE): 10 best signs I saw at the White Man March, 17 Mar 2014, by Zach Heltzel
If you could not attend your local White Man March, I made sure to take a lot of pictures. Unsurprisingly, most of the attendees would not give me permission to take their picture because the NSA is out to get them. Otherwise, I would show you my favorite sign of the event, which said “There are too many women in comedy!”…but these ten signs are almost as good.
NUMBER 1 MOST VIEWED ARTICLE….
Diner owner sells cheeseburgers for 15 cents, but the bill the customers got freaked them out! Check out exactly what was listed on this receipt… and what wasn’t.
I know what you’re thinking: “Ooooh, that title is so edgy and controversial!”
Or: “Isn’t that title is going a bit too far?”
Or even: “I somewhat suspect that the title of this article might not be literally true!”
NONSENSE! And I will explain why.
We live in the social media age! Nobody really expects newspaper headlines to be literally true any more! How would that get pageviews? More importantly, how would that get people all riled up so that they will yell, and scream, and go out and vote for their
team party in November?
Nuh uh. No way. Conservatives are used to headlines that everybody knows aren’t literally true. They are meant to be… suggestive. Impressionistic. Artistic, even!
I will give you two examples.
EXAMPLE 1: Obama says FUCK YOU to all Christians
On Monday, Obama signed an executive order is banning federal contractors from discriminating against lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender employees. More important, however, that executive order contained nothing to allow for religion-based exemptions.
This means that if your company gets money from the federal government, then you cannot discriminate against gay or transgender people in your hiring or firing practices. Of course, if you are a devout religious company, you can still discriminate against gay and transgender people as much as you want… as long as you simply refuse to take money from the federal government.
Nobody is forcing you to take money from the federal government.
What is the headline over at Fox News?
You can read the whole article if you want, but here is a selection of some of the words and phrases that make an appearance: coercion, blackmail, bullies, forced compliance, and finally: “The Obama administration seems hell-bent on forcing Christians to assimilate to the militant LGBT agenda.”
And that’s just in mainstream conservative media… it doesn’t even begin to touch what you can find in the right-wing blogosphere. According to the headlines on social media, Obama isn’t just persecuting Christians, he is giving a big “FUCK YOU!” to every single Christian on the planet.
Now, conservatives don’t really believe that Obama is doing this.
They couldn’t possibly. That would be stupid. Conservatives aren’t stupid.
Therefore, they must just know that headlines aren’t meant to be taken literally.
EXAMPLE 2: While fellating a statue of Hitler
On Tuesday, a three-judge panel on the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit has decided that the exact phrasing of the part of the Obamacare legislation that describes subsidies given to poor people stipulates that Obamacare exchange customers who are in exchanges established by the federal government, not a state, cannot legally be given subsidies.
This decision has no force of law… yet. It was not announced by the full court. It will be appealed. And, a different appeals court has actually handed down the opposite decision on a similar case. All of this has to be sorted out before any action is taken.
So, the White House will, completely legally and in every other way according to the normal way things are done in America, continue to act as though nothing has been decided yet.
Why? Because nothing has been decided yet.
What is the headline over at the Daily Caller?
“The Obama administration will continue handing out Obamacare subsidies to federal exchange customers despite a federal court’s ruling Tuesday that the subsidies are illegal!”
OH. MY. GOD!!! How dare that lawless Obama! He’s refusing to immediately comply with a court’s sort-of decision! Has he no respect for separation of powers????
….Of course, anybody who actually reads these articles or researches the story at all knows full well that Obama is not “ignoring” a court ruling, and that the subsidies have not been determined to be “illegal” just yet. The case is still winding its way through the system.
But once again, conservatives know that headlines aren’t supposed to be taken literally, or factually. They are more like… an impressionistic painting.
Thus, you can convey the general truthiness of the event with the much more interesting headline saying that Obama is a FASCIST DICTATOR and he might as well BE FELLATING A STATUE OF HITLER.
Conservatives don’t really expect headlines to be literal. Headlines are more of…. an art form.
To think otherwise would imply that conservatives are really, really stupid.
And conservatives aren’t that stupid.
Corporations are not only people, they are GREAT people. They are AWESOME people. They contribute to society in a positive way, unlike poor people and Democrats. Conservatives shouldn’t shy away from this basic fact. It’s a core part of conservative ideology, and there is nothing wrong with it: corporations matter, people who are not corporations…. not so much.
In celebration of the awesomeness of corporate persons, we present to you three special examples that demonstrate the fact that corporations aren’t just people…. they are a higher quality of person than you are.
Example #1: When a corporation kills an employee by deliberately not following safety guidelines, it’s a misdemeanor. When an employee embezzles money from a company, it’s a felony.
Example #2: The maximum penalty for an individual using insider trading to steal from a corporation is $5 million and 20 years in prison. The maximum penalty for a corporation allowing safety violations that seriously endanger the lives of its employees: $7,000.
Example #3: The minimum penalty for a person who fails to obey a cease-and-desist order issued by a corporation: 6 months in prison. The minimum penalty for a corporation that kills an employee through negligence: nothing… OSHA does not require any minimum penalties.
…based off of the old English nursery rhyme, Solomon Grundy.
One of the things that so-called “gay rights activists” never adequately address is the mass confusion it will cause in our society if we can’t make absolute assumptions about the gender of people’s spouses.
For example, consider a man in California named John. John is insured with Kaiser Permanente, which also offers coverage for spouses. Kaiser Permanente knows that John is married, and that John is male. Therefore, something in their automatic systems decided it just made sense to send the above letter to John’s spouse.
Except that John’s spouse is a man named Mark.
Sure, you probably find the above letter very funny, but obviously this is the strongest argument against gay marriage yet!
I mean, none of the other arguments have worked out.
Science has shown that gay people are no worse at being parents, no more likely to be deviant or criminal, no more likely to be abusive, and no more likely to be unhealthy than straight people.
It turns out that our constitution actually isn’t based on the Bible and what certain Christians believe, so all of the “proof” in the world that God hates gay people actually can’t be used as an argument to make gay marriage illegal.
And more and more people are actually realizing that gay people are happy, normal, healthy friends of theirs.
So what is left? Form letters!!
We cannot allow gay marriage in the United States because a bureaucratic nightmare that will ensue if we have to reprogram all of the systems, like the one that generated this letter, that all assume that people are married to people of the opposite sex!
That’s really the best argument …. the only argument… that conservatives really have left.
Liberals like making fun of Republicans because, despite claims to be “laser-focused on job creation“, they seem to be talking about pretty much anything except improving jobs for the American people.
But liberals have got it wrong. They just don’t understand. Republicans have been working non-stop on job creation… at the state level. They have just kept it a secret.
So, we now proudly reveal to you: the Republican jobs plan…. already in progress!
Step 1. Allow guns EVERYWHERE.
Republicans lawmakers in Georgia are demonstrating their laser focus on getting the people of their state to work by making it legal to bring guns into bars. While liberals might think this has nothing to do with jobs, they are wrong. Obviously, people who are brain-dead drunk to carry firearms will create demand for a wide variety of jobs, including law enforcement professionals and emergency care surgeons.
Obviously, any law that makes it more likely that someone rip-roaring drunk will fire off a shot is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.
Step 2. Legalize discrimination.
Republicans lawmakers in Arizona have passed laws that make it legal to deny goods and services to gay people. This is clearly part of a larger job-creation vision. Just think about all of the scared, narrow-minded, bigoted potential employers out there who say to themselves, “Golly, I have a perfect business idea that would make tons of money, and I have the means to start this business, but I AM SO FRIGHTENED I MIGHT HAVE TO PROVIDE SERVICES TO GAY PEOPLE that I just won’t do it!”
Clearly, any bill legalizing discrimination is part of the Republican “jobs plan”.
Step 3. Outlaw abortion
Republicans in several states have been working almost non-stop to outlaw abortions and put doctors in jail. Now, some liberals ridiculously claim that this has nothing to do with jobs. But this is because they are short-sighted. This is part of the Republican long-term jobs plan. You see, when children are born into homes that may not be able to care for them effectively or support them financially, more families are plunged into poverty. Since Republicans also are against providing any assistance to these families after the children are born, these people will be desperately poor and willing to work for crap wages. This will depress pay and allow companies to hire people for almost nothing. Additionally, all of these poor people will be more likely to suffer from untreated healthcare problems, in addition to all of the health problems associated with people who will try to perform back-alley abortions and end up hurting themselves as a result, which will create more jobs for medical workers in emergency care facilities, and of course more jobs for people who build coffins.
So, see? Once again: a Republican jobs plan.
Now the only real question is… why aren’t all of the Republicans proudly advertising this jobs plan?
I can’t imagine.
If there is one thing that corporate media and conservative talk radio agree on, it’s that both Democrats and Republicans are terrible and evil and exactly the same.
For weeks, conservative talk radio stars, most vocally Sean Hannity, have been repeatedly beating the drums about how all of the problems we face today are because both the Republican Party and the Democratic Party are the same, and that’s why (for Hannity) real conservatives have to take back the party, and follow the likes of Ted Cruz, and wrest power away from the “establishment Republicans” who are, Hannity notes, not nearly conservative enough.
By contrast, some article at some liberal website has tried to declare that both sides are NOT the same, and paint a picture that the Republicans are somehow behaving more badly than Democrats are!
That’s ridiculous. Both sides ARE the same! And if you want proof, all you need is to remember a little history…
Remember Democratic Senator Russ Feingold threatened to SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT if Congress didn’t pass a law to overturn the Citizens United Supreme Court decision? Democrats hated that decision, just as much as Republicans hate Obamacare. Surely you remember the Democrats threatening to shut down the government over this, right?
Remember when President Obama threatened to veto the increase in the debt limit and throw the entire economy into a tailspin unless Congress passed his 10-point gun control legislation plan? Democrats hate guns just as much as Republicans hate foodstamps, so since both sides are the same, surely you remember this happening, as well!
Finally, remember when Harry Reid threatened to never pass any bill through the Senate, ever ever EVER, unless Congress immediately reinstates a new Voting Rights Act? Democrats absolutely hated it when the Voting Rights Act was struck down by the Supreme Court, just as much as Republicans hated it when Obamacare was upheld by the Supreme Court. Since both sides are the same, I’m sure you remember Harry Reid threatening to go ballistic and hold up any and all lawmaking until he got his way.
It’s obvious now, isn’t it? #BothSidesAreTheSame
Conservatives are all applauding Vladimir Putin for being such a strong leader, and for being so very very very anti-gay. What an awesome guy. Yet there is something a little off about his anti-gayness.
If you take a close look at all of the very manly things that Putin does to prove how masculine and not-gay he is, they all look a little…. well, gay. As an objective and fair-and-balanced reporting outlet, we here at LiberalBias.com have to ask the question:
Is Vladimir Putin subconsciously copying the poses of his favorite gay porn stars?
For example, here we see Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless, and a gay porn star riding a horse shirtless, just for a visual comparison:
And also carrying a gun:
And also fishing, although it should be noted that there were not any completely shirtless pictures of the gay porn star holding the fishing rod, presumably because he was smart enough to put the fishing rod down before taking off his shirt:
Now, there is ONE SHIRTLESS PICTURE of Putin for which we were unable to find a corresponding gay porn star picture. And that is this picture of Putin gasping for air while doing the butterfly stroke:
Of course, we were able to find plenty of pictures of gay porn stars in the water. But they never seem to actually be… well, swimming.
There are pictures of gay porn stars jumping into the water:
There are pictures of gay porn stars playing with balls in the water. (Duh).
And there are even pictures of gay porn stars playing with a cute puppy in the water:
But somehow, there are no pictures of gay porn stars gasping for air while doing a serious butterfly stroke, to match Putin’s infamous swimming picture.
So maybe that is why we can all sleep safely at night, and feel completely assured that Vladimir Putin, conservative hero, is not secretly mimicking the poses of all of his favorite gay porn stars, after all.
[POST SCRIPT: If you can find any pictures of Vladimir Putin and gay porn stars in exactly the same pose as one another, please email them to PutinPorn@LiberalBias.com and we will feature them in a later update. Thank you.]
There has been a lot of good news for Obamacare lately, which is obviously bad news for people who support Freedom, Liberty, and other capitalized words.
So in the interest of being fair and balanced, we have decided to present to you a side-by-side comparison of some good news headlines and quotes about Obamacare next to the bad news headlines and quotes about Obamacare. When you look at it this way you will see that Obamacare, much like Global Warming and Evolution, is something with two points of view and obviously every perspective is valid so it’s impossible to decide anything, ever.
Pro Obamacare: “8.5 million people got an average of a $100 in rebates last year.” — CNN
Pro Obamacare: “In South Florida, 83,700 young adults have been able to stay on their parents’ insurance plan, 75,800 senior citizens are getting discounts on their medicine, and 1.4 million patients are getting preventive care without co-pays or deductibles.” — Sun-Sentinel
Pro Obamacare: “The number of double-digit rate increases requested by health insurers has plummeted over the past four years.” — Washington Post
Anti Obamacare: “Obamacare is going to make the emerging doctor shortage in America a lot worse.” — EndOfTheAmericanDream.com
Anti Obamacare: “[Obamacare] will destroy the very health and wellbeing of… millions of hardworking Americans.” — National Review
Anti Obamacare: “The Ohio Department of Insurance predicts premiums in 2014 will rise by 88 percent, a direct result of President Obama’s Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.” — Independent Journal Review
As you can see from these examples, there are just as many negative effects as there are positive effects of Obamacare. It’s pretty much up in the air, undecided, and indeterminate. Who can decide?
Of course, some people might point out out that the good points about Obamacare are things that actually have already happened, while the bad points about Obamacare are all speculations about what might or might not happen in the future.
But we don’t listen to those people… they just have liberal bias.
Now, with the Voting Rights Act effectively killed, every single state in the union is allowed to make any changes they want to their voting rules, policies and procedures without any kind of regulation or review. Any changes they want.
“What kinds of changes?” you say. Well, it’s funny that you ask. I turned to Twitter with my suggestions, using the hashtag #postVRAvotinglaws, and found that a lot of people had suggestions of their own.
ADD YOUR OWN IDEAS: Make sure to tweet your own suggestions using #postVRAvotinglaws, and the best ones will be added here!
#postVRAvotinglaws In Ohio voters can’t have been convicted of a crime, receive food stamps or Medicaid, or have ironic facial hair.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) June 26, 2013
#postVRAvotinglaws Arizona police are now required to stop anyone from voting who “looks illegal”.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) June 26, 2013
#postVRAvotinglaws In Kentucky voting times will only be announced on Sean Hannity’s show.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) June 26, 2013
#postVRAvotinglaws Lady folks must get signed off by doctor that they are not using any type of birth control.
— Diana Dee (@DianaDee16) June 26, 2013
— Tim Piatt (@tstimmus) June 26, 2013
#postVRAvotinglaws In Texas you must show video of you cheering for the execution of a mentally handicap person in order to vote.
— Just Jahnavi (@JahnaviG) June 26, 2013
#postVRAvotinglaws In red states, voters must heterosexually consummate for poll watchers to prove they support sacred bond of 1man/1woman
— Toni Armstrong Jr. (@toniajr) June 26, 2013
Everybody is expecting the Supreme Court to rule on Marriage Equality within the next week. Nobody knows what they will decide… but at least I can tell you what our Republican leaders will be thinking.
If the Supreme Court rules to support same-sex marriage, even in part, we know what Republicans will think…
Of course, it is always possible that the decision will go the other way, and that DOMA and Proposition 8 will both be upheld. In that case, it is also clear what our Republican leaders will be thinking…
Related Post: The Tea Party Cat explains the 2012 election aftermath
In light of recent news, we have decided it is time to take a step back and address the core political issue of our time: what is the definition of liberal bias?
This question has been thrust into the spotlight by last week’s big news story: Zero conservatives selected to deliver 2013 commencement speeches at Ivy Leagues. This, of course, was the most important news event of last week. Moreover, the liberal bias in Ivy League universities provides a perfect case study to examine the bigger picture: the meaning of “liberal bias” in general.
What is a liberal?
First, it is important to define the term “liberal”. For this, we can look at the study of commencement speakers at top Universities done by the Young America’s Foundation (YAF). Of course, in this situation “study” means: they made a list of schools and commencement speakers, and then labelled each speaker as either liberal or conservative based on their own personal opinions.
It is these opinions that we can examine to discover the meaning of the word “liberal”.
Oprah Winfrey, Cory Booker, and Drew Houston are all labelled as “liberal” because they supported Barack Obama for President, and everyone knows that nobody who is moderate or independent has ever supported Barack Obama.
Mayor Bloomberg (party: Independent) is “liberal” because he is “socially liberal”, and everyone knows that the “we should give up the culture war nonsense and focus on taxes and deficits” schtick was, like, so three-years-ago.
Melinda Gates is “liberal”, according to this document, because of “contraceptives”. The document is not clear as to whether using contraceptives makes one liberal, or believing in contraceptives makes one liberal, or what. But either way, Melinda Gates is a liberal contraceptive type of gal.
Geoffrey Canada is “liberal” because he likes education, or possibly because he is socially active about liking education. Once again, the document is not totally clear.
So in conclusion: what does it mean to be a liberal?
It means you either support Barack Obama, or you support contraceptives, or you support education. Especially, one can only assume, if you are socially active about it.
What does this tell us about liberal bias??
Now we know what it means to be liberal. What does it mean to have liberal bias?
Let’s take a look at the very objective and unbiased Fox43 article on the topic, posted last week. In that article, they say this: “YAF spokesman Adam Tragone told Campus Reform on Tuesday the list appears to reveal a larger trend of liberal bias occurring on these campuses.”
From there, they proceed to identify, point by point, several very concrete items of evidence that clearly demonstrate the larger trend of liberal bias:
1) “With all these sex talks at Yale, it seems like conservative values on these campuses are non-existent.”
Talking about sex is an inherent demonstration of liberal bias. Obviously, if you want your institution of education to be politically unbiased, it must never talk about sex.
2) “96 percent of the faculty and staff at Ivy League schools who contributed to the 2012 presidential race donated to President Obama’s campaign.”
If too many people at a university donate to Barack Obama, then it is a sign that the university itself has liberal bias. Of course, there isn’t any actual evidence that personal financial donations influence the tenor of education at a university, but it feels like it should, doesn’t it?
3) “Of the top 100 universities listed by U.S. News and World Report, 62 chose to select liberal individuals to deliver commencement speeches, compared to 17 conservatives.”
62 is a lot bigger than 17, and that’s just not fair. Of course, we’re not entirely certain how many conservatives were asked to be speakers at universities, or how many conservatives even wanted to be speakers at these universities. But that’s besides the point. 62 versus 17! Obviously there has to be some kind of bias in there somewhere.
Conclusion: How to be unbiased?
The only way to be totally unbiased is for everything to be 50-50. That’s just objective, mathematical fact.
In order to avoid being liberally biased, a university needs to make sure that it hires exactly 50% faculty who donate to liberal candidates and 50% faculty who donate to conservative candidates. If it happens that the very best scientists and mathematicians in the world tend to donate to a liberal candidate, then that university should be obligated to hire second-rate mathematicians and scientists in order to fill their quota of conservative faculty members. (I know, that sounds a bit like affirmative action for conservatives; however, you know: shut up.)
In order to avoid being liberally biased, every time a University has a lecture on evolution, they must also have a lecture on creationism. Every time they have a lecture on how sexism is bad, they must also have a lecture on how sexism is awesome. Every time they have a lecture on linear algebra, they must also have a lecture on how numbers can be whatever God wants them to be and therefore there is no point in learning math.
That’s just fair.
Until that happens, news stories like the one yesterday will always be able to be propped up as “evidence” of liberal bias!!!!
Related Article: Poll Sampling has Liberal Bias!