Republicans are super-flexible. Here are 3 specific examples.

The Daily Edge: Republican Twister! Republicans are open-minded and SUPER-flexible, and we can explain why

Republicans get a bad rap in the press. Liberals accuse them of being rigid, closed-minded and inflexible. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, as every “lifelong Republican” knows, being a member of the GOP requires you to constantly re-evaluate your positions, and even your “core” beliefs. It’s exciting! And it demonstrates great flexibility: how can you not be flexible when you start your Republican life agreeing with the teachings of Jesus Christ and St. Ronald Reagan, and end up marching in lockstep with Russian-born atheist Ayn Rand and those poor-hating, planet-polluting Koch Brothers?

“Oh, you’re exaggertaing!” some might say. Well, here’s just a sampling of how flexible and open to new ideas you, as a lifelong Republican, have shown yourself to be:

 

On People:

THEN: You used to agree with President Reagan that it was highly immoral and distinctly UnAmerican for high-paid executives to pay lower tax rates than their secretaries .

NOW: You refuse to watch Ronald Reagan videos on YouTube that have clearly been doctored by liberals. You are shocked and offended that Marxists like Warren Buffett continue to suggest that millionaires and billionaires should not pay a lower tax rate than their secretaries!

 

On the Planet:

THEN: You placed your trust in God and Richard Nixon. You listened to the Bible when it told you not to destroy what He had created. You were inspired by Richard Nixon’s 1969 State of the Union and his 37-point message with goals for the environment. You cheered when Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency which passed the Clean Air Act. You thought God would be pleased, too.

NOW: You believe only in Freedom. Specifically the right of companies like Koch-connected Freedom Industries to poison the drinking water in West Virginia. You were inspired when Sarah Palin chanted “Drill, Baby, Drill!” because it sounded so real American-y. You realize now that Richard Nixon must have been a secret European Muslim and God was wrong too. Because unless we approve the Koch Brothers’ Keystone XL pipeline immediately, Fox News tells “lifelong Republicans” the American way of life we cherish so much will be gone forever.

 

On the Presidency:

THEN: You understood that to fight the War on Terror, Dick Cheney had no alternative but to put the Constitution through the shredder and run the country as a “dictatorship”. You supported policies that gave President George W. Bush “unchecked presidential power over the use of military force, the detention and interrogation of prisoners, extraordinary rendition and intelligence gathering”.

NOW: You realize that Barack H. Obama is a ruthless Imperial Despot destroying America by issuing far fewer Executive Orders than his predecessors. Plus, he’s also a mom jeans-wearing wimp who’s reaffirmed America’s commitment to the Geneva Conventions. Impeachment is the only option!

 


 

Remember, you don’t abandon your principles based on which party’s in power or just because the President’s middle name is, you know, Hussein. You’re not a flip-flopper or a dittohead. NO SIRREE!

After all, how can you be accused of changing your “core values” if you deny remembering that they were ever different? How can you be accused of “flip-flopping” when the current president is black and all of the previous ones were white? Situations change! Whatever!

What matters is that you are fully committed to your principles as defined by Fox News, ALEC and the Koch Brothers during each 24-hour news cycle. That kind of core value takes all kinds of flexibility.

And being that flexible is not only fun–it’s also a great workout!

5 new Obama executive orders that will SHOCK YOU!

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

Obama has declared his intent to become the first American dictator by issuing executive orders. This is an unprecedented power grab that hasn’t been seen during any presidency in my memory, which goes back to January 20, 2009. Our first president, Jefferson Davis, must be rolling over in his grave.

Now, some liberals get hung up on the “actual number” of executive orders that Obama has signed. But that misses the point completely: it’s a slippery slope. If we don’t stop Obama now, these are just five of the horrific executive orders that he DEFINITELY WILL SIGN WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE!

1. An executive order removing English as our official language

It’s a pretty well-documented fact that Barack Obama has already used an executive order to remove the birth certificate requirement for actors in Coca-Cola Super Bowl commercials, but could he use this power to erase our national language altogether?  Liberals will tell you that this is “nonsense” because America doesn’t have a national language, but they are wrong.  It’s in the Constitution right after the part declaring that the United States is a Christian nation. Look it up!

2. An executive order enforcing the third comma in the second amendment

Everyone knows that grammar is for sissy liberals, and guns are for real-Americans. The internet tells me that the third comma in the second amendment was added by sissy liberals who want to take guns away. Some people think interpreting the second amendment is complex and nuanced, but that’s stupid: just like there is only one way to interpret the Bible, there is only one way to interpret the second amendment.  We are not going to let Obama and his Grammar Gestapo tell us otherwise.

3. An executive order renaming the “War of Northern Aggression” as the “Civil War”

Obama has been revising history ever since he forged his birth certificate when he was 13 minutes old in Kenya. What is to stop him from doing the same to American history? If Obama is able to change the name of the war that separated the North from Real-America, he may even get people to believe the liberal myth that it had something to do with slavery. After all, he is OBSESSED with race. Obsessed! You can’t even shoot an unarmed black kid without hearing him complain about it.

4. An executive order forcing science and religion to be taught in separate classrooms

For some time, we have known about Obama’s desire to remove religion from science class and eventually from the entire American continent.  Just think about it!  If teachers convince enough of our children that we evolved from apes, eventually they will start acting like apes.  Have you ever seen an ape that practices Christianity?  I didn’t think so.

5. An executive order limiting the number of things named after Ronald Reagan

Let’s face it. If you add up all the things named after Ronald Reagan and multiply by two, the answer is still “not enough.”  We must do everything we can to preserve his memory and fight back against anything that would tarnish it, like naming a street or library after literally anyone else.

Obama has issued more executive orders when calculated by the worseness of the orders and what he really wants to do in his heart

This is what’s at stake, real-America. I’ve presented you with the facts and some well-educated predictions. Now it’s up to you. This tyrant has ruled against our will for far too long, but all hope is not lost. If we work hard enough to prevent “you know who” from voting, the Republican Party might just have what it takes to stop Barack Obama from becoming a three term president!!