Radical new conservative movement denies that humans exist

Humans are a figment of God's imagination

In an effort to combat liberal bias in science, a new conservative religious movement fights “evolutionist propaganda” by denying that human creation ever happened.

Over the last several decades, there have been two major public fracas between Science and  Religion: Global Warming and Evolutionism. Although religious conservatives have had a great deal of success in convincing people that global warming is a hoax, they have not had the same level of success on the topic of evolution. Among the incredibly intelligent United States voters, only 41% believe in human-caused climate change, but a whole 63% believe in evolution in some form.

Obviously, conservatives have to step up their game in combating this evolutionism stuff.

Pastor William Jennings, of the First National Church of the Real Conservative Jesus, believes that this difference is due to a difference in the approach being made in each debate.

“In the debate about global warming, conservatives have taken the strongest, largest, hardest, most extreme position possible: they have simply denied that global warming exists at all. If they had taken some kind of wishy-washy, in-between stance, like insisting that global warming is happening but it’s too late to do anything about it, or that it’s happening but it’s not entirely caused by humans, then the message wouldn’t have been as effective,” explains Jennings. “The only way we have convinced people has been to be as extreme as possible.”

Jennings goes on to explain that this is not what conservatives have done in the evolution argument. “The real core question, philosophically, is how did humans come into existence? Instead of debating whether humans came into existence this way or that way, conservatives should follow the lead of Global Warming Deniers: simply deny that humans came into existence at all.”

 

Humans are a figment of God's imaginationThe First National Church of the Real Conservative Jesus has been teaching that in fact, human beings do not exist. If humans do not exist, and have always not existed, then there is no need to even ask the question of how they came into existence.

“It’s kind of a combination of Aristotelian philosophy and solipsism,” says Jennings. “Since God has always existed, and we are a figment of God’s imagination, then not only do we not exist, but we’ve been a figment of God’s imagination for an eternity. Therefore the whole idea of a ‘beginning’ of humanity is just the wrong question to ask.”

Although this philosophical movement is very new, it certainly seems to have a great deal of potential. Very recently, California Republican Rep. Dana Rohrabacher got a lot of press for claiming that global warming is a complete hoax perpetrated simply to try to generate a world government.

“If we could just convince people that the whole idea that humans were created at all is also a hoax,” suggests Jennings, “That just might be extreme enough to convince more people that evolution is wrong.  Or at least, to convince more Republicans.”

 

This flying squirrel has a liberal bias!

Liberal Flying Squirrel

Liberal Flying Squirrel

“Flying squirrels are hippies, have a well-known liberal bias and are part of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy,” writes Darrell B. Nelson, at Project Savior. We think this is an important and often-overlooked point.

His argument is based on the issue of evolution theory. Over the years, conservatives have mustered a number of stock arguments against evolution, that they can turn out in any conversation at a moment’s notice. Most of these are well-known, for example: “Star fish haven’t changed in billions of years therefore evolution must be completely wrong” or “If everything is evolving why don’t chimps make sassy Broadway musicals yet?”

One of the more fancy arguments against evolution is based on an idea called “irreducible complexity” and goes like this. Evolution happens slowly, in baby-steps.  There are some features that are enormously complex, and if they are only partially-made they won’t work at all. For example, a wing is a very complex thing. Evolution is gradual, so it can’t make an entire complex wing out of nothing in one generation.

But how could evolution ever get to a whole, complex wing if it goes gradually in “baby-steps”? There is no use to half-made wing! Therefore, evolution would never be able to get around to making a full wing… unless there was something intelligent guiding it!!

That argument has been used over and over again by creationists trying to defend conservative principles against the immoral liberalism of evolution.

But there is a problem: flying squirrels.

Flying squirrels have legs with a simple flap of skin that allows them to glide through the air as they jump from tree to tree. They basically have a “half wing”: a very simple thing that is like a partially formed wing. But it is not useless.  It helps them jump farther and faster, both to get food and get away from predators.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID SQUIRRELS?

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO BELIEVING IN EVOLUTION?

The only conclusion is the flying squirrels must be liberals. We have added the appropriate speech bubble in the above picture to signify this fact.