BREAKING: Bobby Jindal declares Louisiana a “science-free zone”

The Daily Edge Jindal declares Louisiana a science-free zone
Bobby Jindal has become the first US Governor to declare his home state “science-free.”

Although Jindal was a biology major at college his recent conversion to the Koch-olic religion has led to his complete renunciation of science and facts.

Earlier this year, Jindal not only rejected manmade climate change, he also advised citizens of Louisiana to “begin building an ark,” having become convinced that Rick Perry’s incessant praying for rain in drought-ravaged Texas would inevitably lead to “a big flood.”

Now, as the great Ebola plague is causing politicians in many states to be seized by delusional visions, Jindal has declared the only way to protect Louisiana from Ebola is to make the state a completely “science-free zone.”

“I’m not a scientist,” said Jindal. ‘But I do know that Ebola cannot be cured by science. So I am hereby signing an Executive Order making it illegal to practice any form of science in Louisiana.”
The immediate impact of Jindal’s decision will be felt at the annual conference of the American Society of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene in New Orleans next week, where the world’s leading experts on Ebola were set to gather to discuss the best ways to protect against the disease.

“I have told the greatest minds in the global fight against Ebola to fuck off,” said Jindal. “So we can all sleep safer at night.”

Jindal later issued a clarification stating that despite his ban on science, a woman’s boss would still be able to decide which birth control he wants her to use.

The Christian solution to Ebola is not what you think

Blessed Sunday, everyone! Today’s letter is about the top news story today, Ebola, but my answer to today’s question might surprise you!

Dear Pastor Gregory,

You’ve heard the news: Ebola is spreading like wildfire and it’s all President Obama’s fault! Great Christian leaders like Pat Robertson and yourself always say that we should just stay home and pray away the sickness whenever we fall ill… is that what God wants us to do about Ebola, too?  Is simple prayer enough?

Tammy

Well, Tammy, I have an answer that might surprise you. Normally, of course, I would say that prayer alone can heal all things. Normally, I would tell you that we can solve any earthly sickness by just praying and sending me money. But, in the case of Ebola… things might be a little different.

When we look to the Bible for solutions to major world-wise epidemics, we find that God works in mysterious ways. The Holy Bible tells us that God once flooded the whole Earth, killing everyone but Noah and his Ark-companions (Genesis 6). The Big-Man-Upstairs even once sent “she-bears…to maul forty two young boys” (2 Kings 2:24) when he thought the circumstances demanded it.

So if we are to follow His lead, we have to realize: when God gets angry He also gets creative!

Now, some religious leaders have dabbled with this type of idea. For example, Glenn Beck wrote a song that is supposed to help people stay Ebola-free. He definitely gets Creativity Points for that. But when we look to the Bible, especially the Old Testament, we see that God is more fond of BIG ELABORATE SPECTACLES.

So with that in mind, I’d like to present to you my Christian Solution to the Ebola problem….

The Ebola Games

 

THE EBOLA GAMES

It’s a Holy-Spirit-inspired reality TV show, tapping into the creative brilliance of the Old Testament!

The entire U.S. prison system would be sent to the Ebola infected state of Texas. A massive 10-story electric fence would be constructed around the border; each prisoner would be given their NRA-sponsored weapon of choice, a kiss from an Ebola infected patient, and let loose for the games to begin! Cameras would cover every inch of the land, live-streaming all the apocalyptic-Ebola-action online. It would be streamed for a small viewing fee, which would cover the costs of the entire project alongside of the corporately sponsored advertisements scattering the land. There would be no police, and only one rule: ANYTHING GOES!

The show would undoubtedly be watched by the entire world, racking in tons of cash for our debt-ridden economy. Millions of short-term jobs would be created in the construction of the electric fence, and hundreds of long-term jobs would be created in the actual 24-hour -TV production. Our US-Mexico border crisis would be solved instantly as anyone crossing over would be mauled by terminally ill armed psychopaths; and American moral would increase to new heights as families gathered around their TV’s to watch a live-action version of The Walking Dead.

So there you have it Tammy – a true Christian and Bible-inspired solution to a very serious problem.

Peace be with you,
Pastor Gregory

 

Republican cuts kill…. and they are supposed to. That’s capitalism.

Liberals and Democrats have been slamming Republicans for cutting medical research funding, blocking the appointment of a Surgeon General, and cutting money to hospitals…. only to “suddenly” turn around and start demanding money and medical oversight now that we have a problem with The Ebola.

Some Democrats are calling the Republican Party experts in “closing the barn door after the horse has escaped.”

Others are using these facts in extremely powerful political ads like this one:

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3D0DxjgPB0

As bedrock ideological conservatives, believers in the free market, what are we to make of these criticisms and accusations? Were Republicans wrong in cutting medical research and hospital funding? Was it a misstep? Was it a mistake?

NOT A CHANCE!!!!

The fact is, the Republican Party is doing exactly what real free market capitalists are supposed to do! Republicans should not and cannot run away from this. It is time to educate the masses about what free market capitalism really means.

The entire philosophy of the free market is that it is reactive, not pro-active. As Rand Paul and Paul Ryan are so fond of saying, the market “corrects” and “adapts”. It is part of the core philosophy of the economic model.

Think about the way you were taught in school that a free market would “fix the problem” of, for example, a corporation that made bad products:

1) People would buy products from the company

2) People would be disappointed by those products

3) People would stop buying products from that company

4) That company goes out of business

At the ground level, that is how free market capitalism produces better products: it is driven by consumer reaction.

Let’s look at another scenario: how does the free market “regulate itself” when it comes to companies making poisoned products?

1) People buy products from the company

2) People die

3) The remaining people do not buy products from that company any more

4) That company goes out of business

Tah dah! The market has regulated itself. But if you are a real free market fanatic, you have to embrace step 2. That is: part of the process of the “market regulating itself” involves PEOPLE DYING.

You can’t escape it. Part of the process. The only motivation that companies have, in a free market, to produce products that don’t kill their customers is that if their customers ACTUALLY DIE then they might lose business.

The only time that companies ever increase safety of their procedures is after a plant has exploded or a pipeline has leaked, and something actually got destroyed… and it cost the company money.

Capitalism only “regulates itself” after-the-fact. The entire economic system is based on the principle of closing the barn door after the horse has run away… on the assumption that you can at least prevent more horses from going the same way the first one went.

Some Republicans will deny this, but it is the truth. Any true “free market conservative” must embrace this core concept of the economic system

So that is our lesson for today:

The budget cuts that crippled our ability to fight ebola were not a mis-step. They were not a miscalculation, or a mistake. If you are a true free market loving conservative, you will stand by those cuts, just as you will stand by the people who will probably die as a result.

This is the way capitalism is supposed to work. This is how it was designed to work: something goes horribly wrong, and then–and only then–the market corrects itself.

Do you have a problem with that?

If you do, then you don’t really love capitalism.

A BIG BAD LIST: 25 things that Ebola is like!

Ebola has a liberal bias! This is not a conspiracy.
This picture proves that Ebola is like Mickey Mouse. Of course, everyone has already been talking about the fact that the responsible reporters at CNN think Ebola is like ISIS:

Ebola is ISIS, obviously.

But this is really only the beginning. Since Ebola has (obviously) been the only important topic in the entire world for the last week or so, there has been plenty of opportunity for people to come up with deep insights about things that Ebola is like.

Thus, we present to you the Big Bad Compendium Of Stuff Ebola Is Like, courtesy of the Internets:

Ebola is like a terrorist.

Ebola is like being bitten by a pitt bull with AIDS.

Ebola is like a Great White Shark.

Ebola is like a flying spider.

Ebola is like roaches.

Ebola is like a forest fire.

Ebola is like an artificially tanned guy wearing white-rimmed sunglasses inside a bar at night.

 

(…..pause for a moment and re-read that last one…..)

 

Ebola is like a gun that makes its own bullets.

Ebola is like the flu.

Ebola is like chicken pox.

Ebola is like scurvy.

Ebola is like chlamydia.

Ebola is like…. menses?  (TAKE NOTE, WOMEN!)

Ebola is like Shadow People.

Ebola is like lightning.

Ebola is like Amazon.com.

Ebola is like liberalism. (WELL DUH)

Ebola is like oil (and gold and coffee).

Ebola is like a marauding army.

Ebola is like a train wreck.

 

Ebola is like muslims.

Ebola is like Muslims

 

Ebola is like terrorism AND diarrhea.

Ebola is like terrorism. And diarrhea.

 

Ebola is like…. a penny!

Ebola is like a penny

 

….and finally:

Ebola is like HOLDING A MIRROR UP TO HUMANITY’S PROBLEMS!!!

(…pretty deep, huh?)

 

 

 

Ep 19: GOVERNMENT COVERUP: the real truth about the New American Plague

There are some terrifying secrets about this new virus that has hit the United States. Some people call it the “New American Plague.” Government officials are trying to downplay the danger, but you deserve to know the truth.

In this chilling expose based on detailed online research, Zach reveals some of the scariest facts that YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE, AND WILL NOT WANT TO ACCEPT about this deadly virus ripping its way across our country. The symptoms are terrifying, it is highly contagious, and your chances of getting it are much higher than you realize!!!

Educate yourselves, sheeple! Before it’s TOO LATE!!!1

Ebola. Ebola ebola. EBOLA!!!!! Just the really true facts about ebola.

Etc.

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Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mznOjVand-k