The Easter Bunny does NOT have a liberal bias, and I can prove it

We’ve all heard that the Easter Bunny, chocolate eggs, and pastel colors, are not “really” Christian but borrowed from pagan traditions. Have you been fooled by this claim? Well, I have good news for you:  THIS IS A LIBERAL ATHEIST LIE!

Let’s crack-open the Bible, and eggucate these tricksters. Trust me, when you share these really real true facts about Christianity and Easter with your liberal coworkers and family members, it will BLOW THEIR MINDS!

1) THE BUNNY

Rabbits know how to procreate“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28).

Rabbits are an essential Christian symbol. They are known for following God’s first command to have hot, hetero, monogamous sex purely for the purpose of procreation!

Some people have interpreted this Bible passage very narrowly, claiming that it is nothing more than absolute proof that God completely hates sodomy, homosexuality, and blowjobs. But if you understand the Bible as well as I do, you can read these words and see that it is also clearly a reference to bunnies!

The Easter Bunny reminds us of the original purity God created us with and for; the Bunny reminds us that the homosexual sodomite BJ agenda must be stopped!

2. CADBURY EGGS

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal” (Matthew 6:19-21).

Cadbury eggLiberals often look at this passage and think that Jesus wants us to live simply and without wealth. But that is stupid. When I read this Bible passage, I clearly see that is means something quite different.

Cadbury Eggs are, quite plainly, God’s own treasure. Pure chocolate joy, and when you break it open like a treasure chest there is even more sugary sweetness inside. In this passage, God is saying that you should not store your “treasures”, i.e. Cadbury Eggs, but instead devour them before they go bad.

This scripture inspires us to live large, devour more, and consume everything in sight – we wouldn’t want moths, rusts, and thieves get into our Easter chocolaty goodness!

3) TACKY PASTEL EASTER SUITS

“And it shall come to pass in the day of the LORD’S sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king’s children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel” (Zephaniah 1:8).

Again, atheists claim that we stole the brightly-colored apparel in Easter celebration from the pagans. But again, the atheists are wrong.

Biblically speaking, we dress our colorful best because it reminds us that in Jesus’ resurrection God no longer hates us like He has in the past. God no longer judges us on our “strange apparel” but looks to Jesus for our righteousness! Seersucker suits are a sure sign of resurrection.

4. DECORATED EGGS

“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me” (Matthew 11:28-30).

Easter Eggs… Pagan?! HA! Because of this scripture, Christians have been using eggs to envision the truth of Jesus’ message for centuries. When we believe in Jesus, he covers our hearts with his yoke and then calls us to scramble this dark world of liberal lies with his gracious love – Son side up! The painting of eggs is our way of painting our love on God’s own word!

And of course, no Easter is complete without…….

5. PEEPS

“And as they came down from the mountain, Jesus charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead” (Mark 9:9).

Jesus peepsJesus said they should “tell no man what things they had seen.” In other word, he asked his disciples “to not say a peep”! Coincidence? I think not! THIS IS A CLEAR REFERENCE TO AMAZING FLUFFY CANDY BIRDS!

This Easter we no longer have to keep our peepers shut; these sugary gems remind us that resurrection can be shouted from the rooftops, death has no sting, and new-life begins now!

I know it’s true. I read it in the Bible.

REAL Christians know the word “Easter” has liberal bias!

Resurrection Eggs

Fox News is trying to bully schools into using the word “Easter” more. This is part of a vast left-wing conspiracy to push paganism. Real Christians know the word “Easter” has a liberal bias.

If you are a real conservative—which means you are a Christian, because in America all real conservatives are Christians—then you know that the word “Easter” is a pagan plague that has infected the righteous along with bunnies and eggs and other things that children love. Children should not love religious holidays, they should just worship and behave. The idea that holidays should be fun is a liberal corruption.

The word “Easter” derives from the name of the German pagan goddess Ēostre, who represented spring time.  So in other words, when you say “happy Easter” to someone you are not being a Christina.  You are not only celebrating a very non-Christian pagan god, which is bad enough, but a girl God, at that.

This is clearly not what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. That is why the Founding Fathers wrote specifically in the constitution that female pagan gods were not allowed to vote, and that is also why good Christians make their children hunt for Resurrection Eggs instead of Easter Eggs.

Resurrection Eggs

So given all of these very obvious and self-evident facts, why is is that Fox News has been on a rampage trying to guilt schools into using the word “Easter”?

There is mounting evidence that Fox News is actually a hyper-liberal socialist organization that is trying to undermine Christian values.  For example, we have caught them making blatantly anti-Christian claims that some galaxies and certain rocks might be more than 6000 years old, which is obviously in contradiction with the bible and based on liberal “theory” and pseudo-science.

This latest development just adds more proof: Fox News is promoting paganism by trying to force schools to worship the pagan goddess Ēostre!

Some people have speculated that this is part of an ongoing plan to erode Christianity in the United States so that it can be replaced by Islam. After all, Fox News is partially owned by Saudi Arabia.

 

So anyway, as you celebrate the day today, please remember this: The word “Easter” does not appear in the Bible.  And if it doesn’t appear in the Bible, then it must be the Devil’s work.  Just like cell phones.

Anybody who tells you anything differently is obviously simply trying to spread liberal bias!!!