Everybody is expecting the Supreme Court to rule on Marriage Equality within the next week. Nobody knows what they will decide… but at least I can tell you what our Republican leaders will be thinking.
If the Supreme Court rules to support same-sex marriage, even in part, we know what Republicans will think…
“God will be upset with America, and no doubt there will be tornadoes in Oklahoma and hurricanes in the Gulf as punishment.”
“This is totally bogus! A man can marry another man, but I still can’t marry my gun!”
“We have instructed ALEC to create a Stand Your Ground so you can shoot a guy you thought was gonna try to gay marry you.
“Maybe gay marriage isn’t in the Constitution, but you just go to Leviticus. That’s what Thomas Jefferson would do.”
“The way my dog explained this to me is that now he and I have to get married. I warned you people this would happen.”
“None of the Founders were gay married, so no one should be able to get gay married now.”
“I’m sick of decisions upholding Obama’s agenda. The Founders didn’t let women vote, so why they allowed on my Supreme Court?”
“All that legal mumbo jumbo to justify what we know is wrong. The Founding Fathers weren’t lawyers, so why are lawyers in charge now?!”
“WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME???”
Of course, it is always possible that the decision will go the other way, and that DOMA and Proposition 8 will both be upheld. In that case, it is also clear what our Republican leaders will be thinking…
“I’m sure relieved the 14th Amendment doesn’t apply to gays!”
“This is a great day. Our 1st Amendment right to have a Christian theocracy has been upheld.”
“I hope the Boy Scouts see this and go back to banning gay scouts, because only straight boys deserve to get life lessons.”
“Great news! Let’s all go to Chick-fil-A!”
“This gives me great hope that God will also get the Senate and Obama to overturn Obamacare too.”
A rough draft of Justice Antonin Scalia’s written opinion on the DOMA case has, inexplicably, been leaked exclusively to the Liberal Bias website. View a snapshot below, and a link to the entire statement appears at the end of the article.