A BIG BAD LIST: 25 things that Ebola is like!

Ebola has a liberal bias! This is not a conspiracy.
This picture proves that Ebola is like Mickey Mouse. Of course, everyone has already been talking about the fact that the responsible reporters at CNN think Ebola is like ISIS:

Ebola is ISIS, obviously.

But this is really only the beginning. Since Ebola has (obviously) been the only important topic in the entire world for the last week or so, there has been plenty of opportunity for people to come up with deep insights about things that Ebola is like.

Thus, we present to you the Big Bad Compendium Of Stuff Ebola Is Like, courtesy of the Internets:

Ebola is like a terrorist.

Ebola is like being bitten by a pitt bull with AIDS.

Ebola is like a Great White Shark.

Ebola is like a flying spider.

Ebola is like roaches.

Ebola is like a forest fire.

Ebola is like an artificially tanned guy wearing white-rimmed sunglasses inside a bar at night.

 

(…..pause for a moment and re-read that last one…..)

 

Ebola is like a gun that makes its own bullets.

Ebola is like the flu.

Ebola is like chicken pox.

Ebola is like scurvy.

Ebola is like chlamydia.

Ebola is like…. menses?  (TAKE NOTE, WOMEN!)

Ebola is like Shadow People.

Ebola is like lightning.

Ebola is like Amazon.com.

Ebola is like liberalism. (WELL DUH)

Ebola is like oil (and gold and coffee).

Ebola is like a marauding army.

Ebola is like a train wreck.

 

Ebola is like muslims.

Ebola is like Muslims

 

Ebola is like terrorism AND diarrhea.

Ebola is like terrorism. And diarrhea.

 

Ebola is like…. a penny!

Ebola is like a penny

 

….and finally:

Ebola is like HOLDING A MIRROR UP TO HUMANITY’S PROBLEMS!!!

(…pretty deep, huh?)

 

 

 

Ep 19: GOVERNMENT COVERUP: the real truth about the New American Plague

There are some terrifying secrets about this new virus that has hit the United States. Some people call it the “New American Plague.” Government officials are trying to downplay the danger, but you deserve to know the truth.

In this chilling expose based on detailed online research, Zach reveals some of the scariest facts that YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE, AND WILL NOT WANT TO ACCEPT about this deadly virus ripping its way across our country. The symptoms are terrifying, it is highly contagious, and your chances of getting it are much higher than you realize!!!

Educate yourselves, sheeple! Before it’s TOO LATE!!!1

Ebola. Ebola ebola. EBOLA!!!!! Just the really true facts about ebola.

Etc.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mznOjVand-k

Right-wing Christianity: “If God loved you more, you wouldn’t need so much water.”

Today’s letter is about water, helping the unfortunate, and how to be a good Christian.

Dear Pastor Gregory,

I just recorded my video for the #IceBucketChallenge! I was super excited to help the ALS Association raise awareness and millions of dollars for this terrible illness. But then one friend of mine, a Christian like me, told me that Americans are hurting poor dehydrated children around the world by wasting water! Now I don’t know what to think. As a Christian, should I be giving water to poor foreign children?

Thanks,
Liam

Thanks for your letter, Liam.

People who say that it’s up to Christians to make sure that poor people have water clearly have not read and understood the Bible. Liberals have twisted and warped the word of the Lord to make it seem like we have to fix every little problem of suffering in the world… but that just isn’t so.

The Bible teaches us very clearly that it is not our job to make sure people have clean drinking water… that’s up to God!

In Isaiah 41:17-18 God says, “When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys. I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water.”

As conservative Christian, I look at that passage, and you know what I see? God is telling me that if a person is thirsty…. it’s his own damn fault!!!

Let me ask you a question, Liam. Do you have water? Of course.

Do I have water? You bet!

Ask yourself: Why?

Some LIBERALS would want you to believe it has to do with government utility regulations, plumbing, water purifying plants and modern technology… BUT THAT IS ALL NONSENSE!!

In John 4:14 Jesus says, “Whoever drinks of the water that I give will never be thirsty again.” Later he says again in John 7:38, “Whoever believes in me…out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.”

The reason you have water is that you are a good conservative Christian, like me. God loves you, Liam. He loves you so much. If he didn’t, you wouldn’t have water.

This is one of the core beliefs of conservative Christianity, you see: You are a sovereign person, you owe nothing to anybody, and everything that you have in this world you have because God gave it to you and you deserve it.

I know some people, especially liberal Christians (…as if that’s even really possible!!), will hear me say that and think I’m exaggerating. But I’m not: this is one of the keystone philosophies of conservative Christianity: you shouldn’t give anything of yours to the poor or the needy, because damnit if God didn’t WANT you to have that fancy car and that vacation home in the Cayman Islands, well he wouldn’t have given it to you in the first place!

Don’t just take my word for it, either! Pat Robertson has pointed out on many occasions that sick people are sick and deaf people are deaf because they did something wrong and God just doesn’t love them enough!

So you can rest easy, Liam. As a good conservative Christian, you have solid Biblical theology on your side. It’s your right to waste water, waste money, and keep all of your material luxuries for yourself. You’ve earned it… by loving God so much!

When Jesus said to help the poor, the starving, and the sick, he didn’t mean give up your hard-earned cash! That’s stupid. He just meant we need to get them to PRAY HARDER…. God will do the rest!

Quenched with Jesus,
Pastor Gregory

Dehydrated children just aren't praying hard enough