Vladimir Putin: true American hero and savior

Vladimir Putin: American Hero and Savior

Vladimir Putin: American Hero and Savior
Photo created by Robert Chili Grace [freakingnews.com]
The CPAC straw poll has never been about choosing the next President of the United States; it’s about choosing the next Conservative Savior. And who can blame them? We are talking about a conference of patriots who know that the Constitution is really Scripture and that God would really want limitations on freedom, as long as those limitations come from the Bible.

Only two conservatives have ever truly passed the litmus test of being a perfect American patriot, and they are Jesus Christ and Ronald Reagan.

This year, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky won the Presidential straw poll for the second year in a row. I do not think anybody will fault me for being skeptical that Rand Paul is the hero conservatism needs right now.

Apparently, I am not alone, as the conservative on the tip of everyone’s tongue right now is not Paul, but somebody else entirely. Who? Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.

While Barack Hussein Obama and his cronies in the State Department are treating Putin as a negative force in the world due to threats of invading Ukraine and persecution of homosexuals in Russia, great American conservatives are over the moon about him.

“Putin decides what he wants to do, and he does it in half a day, right? Now that’s a leader.” —former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani

“Putin is running circles around the United States. He is playing chess while we’re playing marbles.”—Rep. Mike Rogers (R-Michigan)

“[Putin is a] lion of Christianity” (for treating gays like gays instead of like people) —Bryan Fisher of the American Family Association

Real conservatives like these profoundly believe in American exceptionalism, so if they say Putin is outclassing our government officials, it can only mean one thing. Even though Vladimir Putin is not American per se, he must be American because apparently he is so much better than we are. That’s how it works.

Apparently, the majority of real conservatives agree. In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.

In a poll from The Daily Caller, 52% of respondents say Vladimir Putin would make a better US president than Barack Obama.

Unlike President Obama, who cannot push through legislation because he refuses to do what conservatives want, Vladimir Putin would be able to do things much faster since he would not have to worry about pesky little issues like “public opinion” or “debate” or “data.”

Or “government by the people.”

Real Americans don’t want that namby-pamby stuff. They want a President who does whatever he wants, as long as what he wants is conservative. That’s a real conservative savior.

So remember, the next time somebody tells you that “we will never find another Ronald Reagan,” tell them that he has already arrived on the scene. He drills for oil, wrestles bears, and does not under any circumstances wear Mom jeans. He’s the perfect conservative that even Ronald Reagan would have loved.

With all of this excitement, and conservative hearts fluttering like they haven’t since 1980, there’s really just one more question we need to ask: Since Putin is so strong and powerful and manly and American, shouldn’t we just go ahead and adopt that Russian Constitution here in the United States, as well?

It seems like it would be the True Conservative thing to do!!


Mike Lee’s (unintentional) perfect conservative parable

Mike Lee Needs Pudding

Mike Lee Needs Pudding

The highlight of CPAC 2013 was the parable, told by Mike Lee, that amazingly captured the essence of conservative principles in one short auto-biographical story.

We stopped at a fast food restaurant for lunch, and because my wife, Sharon, was with me, I thought it would look good if I chose to go to the salad bar instead of buying a hamburger.1 I went down the salad bar, getting bits of healthy greens and dreadfully nutritious-looking vegetables. I was quite uninspired at my prospects for my appetizing lunch that day,2 when to my great surprise and delight, at the end of the salad bar, I found chocolate pudding.3

I immediately scooped a huge blob of it onto my plate, trying to hide it by fluffing around greens and other tasteless things so that it couldn’t be seen.4 Suddenly, I was feeling very, very good about my lunch, looking very healthy but still getting dessert—and a lot of it. As I sat down, I mentally complimented myself for the ingeniousness of what I was about to pull off.5

Then he just stopped talking.

Or at least, he might as well have, because in those two short paragraphs he has summed up everything important about Conservative Philosophy:

1) The most important consideration in any decision is whether it makes you look good.  Whether it is actually a decision that is good for you should rarely, if ever, enter into the equation.

2) It’s important to resent being forced to do things that might actually be good for you. Plus: being healthy is liberal bullshit. Plus: making your wife out to seem controlling is one of the most hilarious forms of humor that conservatives all love.

3) You should always get most excited about food (and policies) that make you feel really good but that actually do nothing what-so-ever to help you.

4) When you are acting on secret desires that you privately feel are naughty, make sure to suppress it and lie about it to those whom you love

5) Acting against your own self-interest and getting away with it is something to be really, really proud of.


Now I ask you…. what could be more conservative than that?