The dangers of a liberal July 4th party

Chilli Grilled Tofu, very un-American food

This year, for the Fourth of July, I decided to infiltrate a liberal Independence Day celebration to see what happens when you mix patriotism with LIBERAL BIAS.

Chilli Grilled Tofu, very un-American foodIt was obvious that it was a liberal party, even though supposedly it was to celebrate the birth of this great nation. People were swimming in the pool, but nobody was wearing American flag patterns on their swimsuits. They were grilling the most terrible lame tofu vegetarian stuff, instead of dead flesh, like real Americans eat. Plus, absolutely nobody was reading from the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence.  It was a horrible experience.

So I decided to stir things up a little bit by grabbing a beer, and yelling, “America is the best country in the world! Today is about celebrating the fact that we’re the only country where there is real FREEDOM! YEE-HAW!

Instead of the usual applauds, cheers, and offers of sex that usually come as a response to this kind of talk, I was met with curious looks, and one person said, “Well, actually… most Western European countries are pretty free these days…”

I don’t believe that,” I said, defending the honor of my country.  “Besides, even if it’s true now, America was the first country to have a government by the people! We invented elections!!”

 

At this point, most people realized that I was right and so turned away to go back to other things.  However, I could tell that a couple of these liberals at this party were just itching for a fight.  Some guy wearing a Hawaiian-looking shirt said: “Actually, elections have been around a really long time. I mean, didn’t they have elections in the Roman empire back in like 900 AD?”

“Yeah,” piped up some other scrawny-looking guy, probably educated in some kind of fancy university. “The nobles elected the emperor. Which really wasn’t that different from the early elections here in the United States, where only white male land-owners could vote.”

Shut up! I don’t believe that,” I cleverly replied, “And besides, even if that’s true, those were still elected monarchs who could do anything at all to the people! The United States invented due process, and the idea that you can’t just lock people up for no reason!!! That’s why America is the BEST!!!”

 

Then some hippie-looking chick, probably one of those feminists, totally got in my face and was all, “Actually, that was the Magna Carta, in 1297. It said that nobody could be imprisoned or arrested or punished without being accused of a crime and being given a trial. In fact, the Founding Fathers of the United States specifically stole the Fifth Amendment from the Magna Carta.”

I don’t believe that!!” I said, like any proud American would. “Besides, America invented other stuff! We have the free market!” I continued, “America invented capitalism!”

 

“Actually,” said some other whiny liberal in the crowd, “There have been cities in Europe going back as far as the thirteenth century that guaranteed that anyone living there was free to buy and sell whatever goods they chose. It was written into the town charters of many Medieval cities!”

I don’t believe that,” I said, taking another swig of beer. “Besides, even if that’s true, they still didn’t have freedom of speech! America invented freedom of speech!”

 

“Actually, didn’t Sweden abolish censorship in 1766?” asked some foreign-looking guy drinking a Margarita.

“That’s right,” said a person standing next to him, “And Denmark and Norway in 1770.”

Shut up!  Shut up, shut up shut up! I don’t believe any of that!” I yelled, turning around to face the other direction, so those liberals who had just spoken would know that they were wrong.

Stupid liberals.

 

Manifesto of a radical first amendment advocate

First Amendment Advocate Manifesto

I’m a radical first amendment advocate. I will fight to the death to say whatever the **** I ****ing want to say.  Why? Because it’s in the ****ing constitution, that’s why.

I’ve heard all of the stupid ****ing arguments from ********ing ****ers who want to take away my first amendment rights. But none of their **** ******** **** makes any ****-damn sense.

First, and most importantly, it’s in the ****ing constitution, you ********ing ****s. Does the constitution say “freedom of speech except for some words“? NO. Does the constitution say “freedom of speech except in some places“? NO. Therefore, any attempt to regulate my speech AT ALL is clearly a violation of my constitutional rights.

Really, that should be the end of the entire ******** ****ing argument. The **** constitution is the basis of our entire **** country. Who do these **** ****s think they are?

Now, some **** ********s are going to say, “Hey, you don’t really NEED to use those words, do you? Why would anyone NEED to use those words?”

IT’S NOT ABOUT NEED, YOU **** **** ******** ****!

When something is a RIGHT that is guaranteed in the constitution, it is not required to demonstrate a ****ing “need”! You don’t ****ing need your ****ing gay-**** marriage, but you still think that’s a right, don’t you? Well, I have a ****ing right to say whatever the **** I want to, because it’s in the ********ing constitution, so there’s nothing you can do about it! So **** the **** off!

Other people say, “But words can hurt!” No they ****ing can’t you stupid ********er!

Words don’t hurt people, it’s only people who ****ing use words the wrong ****ing way who hurt people.

Don’t blame the ****ing words, ****ers!

Plus, the answer isn’t to try to ****ing force people to not use certain ****ing words. The answer is to use MORE OF THOSE WORDS! Isn’t that obvious?? After all, if every ****ing **** in the whole ****ing **** used ********ing **** words all the ****ing time, then everyone would be safer.

Finally, some really ********ed ********s have argued that regulating just a few words, those words that are “especially harmful”, isn’t really that ****ing bad, and that the benefits outweigh the costs.

WHAT A LOAD OF ****ing ********ed ****!

It’s a slippery ****ing slope, guys. Where will it end?

If the ****ing government bans words like “****” and “****“, then what’s to stop them from banning the word “sheep” or “toaster” next?

If we allow them to ban yelling “fire” in a crowded building, what’s to stop them from banning saying the word “Christian” in public parks?

WHERE WILL IT ****ING END???

It ends here!

That’s what I ****ing say. I will not ****ing allow those ****s to ****ing regulate my First ****ing Amendment ****ing rights.

They can pry my ****ing **** **** from my dead cold ****ing ****.

That is why I am a radical first amendment advocate.

And you should be, too.

—Anonymous

P.S. This ****ing website “LiberalBias.com” better not ****ing censor my ****, or I’ll **** their **** up. Seriously. ****.

 


 

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First Amendment Advocate Manifesto