You should totally eat a pound of deep-fried lard every day. It will not make you fat. How do I know? Science has not proven that it will. Zach patiently goes through all of the explanations that “Lard will make you fat”-deniers use to disprove the so-called “science” that some people think shows that eating tons of lard will make you fat. But obviously, that is all just a big conspiracy.
Some people might think that this video is secretly a metaphor for arguments against climate change. That’s just silly.
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In this episode of “Two Minute Theater”, Zach Heltzel brings you a complete summary of all of the facts and events involved in the Benghazi cover-up scandal between September 11, 2012 and the current day, re-enacted as a two-minute theatrical drama.
PLEASE NOTE: The calendar date counter in the top left corner is approximate, and is meant to give you a rough idea of when certain things happened: when the White House first using the word “terrorism”, when the public first found out that a terrorist group claimed responsibility for the attack, and when some of the investigations began. However, these are only provided for illustration, and are only approximate. We know that some of the dates are slightly off, but concessions had to be made in order to make the pace of the script flow. We hope you understand.
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Pope Benedict XVI recently said he will resign “because of advanced age.” That explanation is neither plausible nor interesting. So what is the REAL reason?
THEORY #1: The Pope ousted by super-powerful Twitter because he was “using it wrong”.
According to anonymous officials inside the Vatican, the Pope had laid out one of the most completely moronic and anti-social uses of social media ever devised.
Specifically, the Pope had declared that: 1) he didn’t want people to tweet to him, because he didn’t intend to reply; 2) he had no plans to ever follow anybody or re-tweet; and 3) there was no reason to expect that he would tweet anything personal or interesting, or even that he would tweet very often.
Also speaking on the condition of anonymity, one official related to the Twitter organization commented on this by saying: “What a #herpderp”.
Is it possible that the great Twitter Overloads were simply so baffled and annoyed by this misuse of the entire concept of Social Media that they applied secret pressure behind the scenes to force the Pope to resign? According to one anonymous and extremely informed individual in the comments section of a blog: “I suppose anything is possible.”
According to the official reports, the Pope is retiring because he claims to feel “tired” and “old”. But everyone knows that a good, righteous person derives his energy and vitality directly from God, so what gives?
One possible explanation is that his use of the Dark Side of the Force is finally catching up with him. After all, how do you even get to be Pope after being a Nazi and a (alleged) child molester (some say) unless you are drawing on some very deep and very powerful evil forces in the universe?
THEORY #3: A gay love/sex triangle soap-opera murder mystery theater.
There is actually an ongoing criminal investigation going on concerning a situation that could best be described as plot-fodder for one of those daytime televisions series with overly-attractive people in them.
Alois Estermann, the newly appointed commander of the Swiss Guard army that protects the pope, was bisexual and had a taste for the hot young new recruits that arrived each year. His favorite had been fresh-faced, 23 year old Cedric Tornay, who was a corporal in the Swiss Guard. But, since everyone know that 23 years old is “long in the tooth” by Vatican standards, Estermann started letting his attention turn to the newer, and younger, recruits. Poor Cedric, infatuated with his superior, was jilted and turned on Estermann and his supermodel wife (because what slutty bisexual man doesn’t have a supermodel wife these days?) and killed them both before taking his own life.
Allegedly. (This investigation is ongoing.)
Now, there is no reason to think that the Pope himself would have any reason to resign over all of this horrific embarassment…..
…or is there?
Some say that the Pope might have been more involved in this event than previously thought. Some say that the Pope might have known about it all along, and may perhaps have even encouraged some of it. Some people could even say, if they wanted to, that the Pope might have been videotaping some of these encounters for his own pleasure.
We have no evidence of any of this, of course, but that definitely would explain a sudden resignation by the Pope, now wouldn’t it?
THEORY #4: The Pope resigned out of embarrassment over the Superbowl lip-synching scandal.
Now, some people might find this argument far-fetched. However, this story was broken at CitizenSchwartz.com and the following quotation attributed to the Pope definitely rings true:
“I deeply regret that so many young Catholics felt hurt because I did not use my own voice when called to do so, but rather mouthed along to pre-recorded and pre-determined words designed only to make the Papacy and Church look better through a lavish and theatrically staged performance.”
We have to admit, whether the Pope was involved in the Superbowl or not, the above quotation coming from the Pope is, to say the least, 100% and completely plausible.
We are not the first ones to suspect that Obama is being controlled by an alien cabal that does not have American interests at heart. But we are the first ones to have photographic proof.
We don’t even have time to list all of the articles that have proven that Obama is a Manchurian Candidate who was chosen by alien forces to destroy America from within. That Obama secretly hates America and has already unconsciously confessed to attacking our core foundations. The stories are all out there. You can look them up. Until now, however, they have only used logic to connect the dots to the obvious conclusion.
Now, for the first time, we here at LiberalBias.com can do more: we have photographic evidence!
Here you see Obama’s Senate portrait from 2005. It looks very innocent at first glance. Even if you click on the image to show it “full sized” there is nothing that immediately appears to be amiss.
However, we were able to get our hands on a super-high resolution version of this image, and magnify it in order to inspect it more closely… and it’ a good thing we did!
Using high magnification, we were able to uncover this pattern of shadow in the reflection of Obama’s left eye. Look closely at this image, and think about what it suggests to you. The implications are literally earth-shattering!
Naturally, some people will try to come up with various innocent-seeming explanations of this peculiar shadow. For example, they might claim that it is a reflection of some lighting device on the other side of the room. Or, they will claim that it is a random pattern of light and shadow that just happens to look like a small seated alien figure by sheer coincidence!!!!
But does that sound reasonable to you?
Or is it even more reasonable to think that all of the peculiar and otherwise inexplicable actions on the part of this “President” can now be explained by the simple fact that all of his actions are being controlled by a very, very small alien that is sitting inside his left eye!
There are people who would tell you that this is ridiculous, and that it is just a random pattern that has been enlarged on a photo. But why would you believe them? After all, these are the same people who wanted yo to believe that a riot in Benghazi was caused by an innocent sweet little short film created by an American pastor. They are known to be frauds and liars.
The truth is obviously very clear. In case you are still unsure of what you might be looking at, here is a direct comparison with an image from a popular so-called “science fiction” film: “Men In Black”. We have also further enlarged the image on Obama’s eye, and provided some digital enhancement to the image just to make sure you get the point that we are making.
So… clearly any sane and rational person can see what’s going on here. When concerned conservatives have speculated about Obama being secretly under the control of foreigners they had no idea how right they were… or how profoundly foreign the influences really were!!
This is obviously something that the mainstream media will cover up and give no credence to. That is because they, too, are already under the control of these teeny tiny aliens.
If they have the power to live inside a person’s eye and control his actions, I am sure that they have other powers to terrible to imagine.
The impeachment proceedings must proceed immediately, on the basis of the incontrovertible evidence.
These aliens could, quite possibly, be the ultimate and cosmic source of liberal bias!!!!
Editorial Note: We have actually reported on Liberals From Outer Space in the past. In fact, LiberalBias.com was the first news outlet to report in this important issue. Just one more reason to make sure that you get all of your news and facts from LiberalBias.com!!
Pieced together from rumors, innuendos, anonymous tips, television pundit speculation, and other reliable sources, this is THE MOST COMPLETE picture to-date of the ever-widening scandal and conspiracy that is so broad and deep that it’s sure to bring the entire Obama administration to its knees. Did you even suspect how far it would reach?
This is CLEAR EVIDENCE that the vast Democrat Machine Conspiracy Cult has become so deeply entrenched and embedded and entwined in our social and political affairs that it is almost impossible to escape. LOOK IN HORROR at the sinister forces that collude and collaborate and work together to prevent Americans from being free.
(Please bear in mind that some of the connections in the above diagram are based on unconfirmed rumors, and therefore should be read as “allegedly” or “some people say”.)
Check back regularly as this diagram will be updated as further details of this horrid, salacious, disgusting plot against America by the Obama administration are revealed.
Data Source: Fox News and various websites on the internet Chart by: LiberalBias.com
UPDATED 11/15/2012 2:35 PM CST: Added Susan Rice, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Hot Twin Sister, and Vampires.