Republicans are super-flexible. Here are 3 specific examples.

The Daily Edge: Republican Twister! Republicans are open-minded and SUPER-flexible, and we can explain why

Republicans get a bad rap in the press. Liberals accuse them of being rigid, closed-minded and inflexible. Ha! Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, as every “lifelong Republican” knows, being a member of the GOP requires you to constantly re-evaluate your positions, and even your “core” beliefs. It’s exciting! And it demonstrates great flexibility: how can you not be flexible when you start your Republican life agreeing with the teachings of Jesus Christ and St. Ronald Reagan, and end up marching in lockstep with Russian-born atheist Ayn Rand and those poor-hating, planet-polluting Koch Brothers?

“Oh, you’re exaggertaing!” some might say. Well, here’s just a sampling of how flexible and open to new ideas you, as a lifelong Republican, have shown yourself to be:

 

On People:

THEN: You used to agree with President Reagan that it was highly immoral and distinctly UnAmerican for high-paid executives to pay lower tax rates than their secretaries .

NOW: You refuse to watch Ronald Reagan videos on YouTube that have clearly been doctored by liberals. You are shocked and offended that Marxists like Warren Buffett continue to suggest that millionaires and billionaires should not pay a lower tax rate than their secretaries!

 

On the Planet:

THEN: You placed your trust in God and Richard Nixon. You listened to the Bible when it told you not to destroy what He had created. You were inspired by Richard Nixon’s 1969 State of the Union and his 37-point message with goals for the environment. You cheered when Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency which passed the Clean Air Act. You thought God would be pleased, too.

NOW: You believe only in Freedom. Specifically the right of companies like Koch-connected Freedom Industries to poison the drinking water in West Virginia. You were inspired when Sarah Palin chanted “Drill, Baby, Drill!” because it sounded so real American-y. You realize now that Richard Nixon must have been a secret European Muslim and God was wrong too. Because unless we approve the Koch Brothers’ Keystone XL pipeline immediately, Fox News tells “lifelong Republicans” the American way of life we cherish so much will be gone forever.

 

On the Presidency:

THEN: You understood that to fight the War on Terror, Dick Cheney had no alternative but to put the Constitution through the shredder and run the country as a “dictatorship”. You supported policies that gave President George W. Bush “unchecked presidential power over the use of military force, the detention and interrogation of prisoners, extraordinary rendition and intelligence gathering”.

NOW: You realize that Barack H. Obama is a ruthless Imperial Despot destroying America by issuing far fewer Executive Orders than his predecessors. Plus, he’s also a mom jeans-wearing wimp who’s reaffirmed America’s commitment to the Geneva Conventions. Impeachment is the only option!

 


 

Remember, you don’t abandon your principles based on which party’s in power or just because the President’s middle name is, you know, Hussein. You’re not a flip-flopper or a dittohead. NO SIRREE!

After all, how can you be accused of changing your “core values” if you deny remembering that they were ever different? How can you be accused of “flip-flopping” when the current president is black and all of the previous ones were white? Situations change! Whatever!

What matters is that you are fully committed to your principles as defined by Fox News, ALEC and the Koch Brothers during each 24-hour news cycle. That kind of core value takes all kinds of flexibility.

And being that flexible is not only fun–it’s also a great workout!

Ep 18: How to discredit the People’s Climate March and prove climate change is a lie

We had reporters on the ground at the People’s Climate March in New York City, and reveal our exclusive footage of the protesters that ABSOLUTELY PROVES that global warming is a hoax, climate change is a myth, and all environmentalists are wrong about everything.

How could footage of an environmentalist rally prove all of these things, you ask? Watch the video to find out.

Our own exclusive footage of the march at 0:19. Review of Tea Party tweets critiquing the march start at 1:28.

Make sure you subscribe to our Youtube Channel to get notified about the latest episodes of Heltzel’s View.

Video direct link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejo5Epg3Re8

Five scientific facts PROVING climate change is a hoax!

Climate Change is not a fact, but the Rapture is, because my evidence is better than your evidence!

Aren’t you sick of the way liberals treat the calculations of so-called scientists–and even leading accounting firms like PWC–with so much reverence? All they can ever talk about is their liberal “facts” and their liberal “data”. Just this week you’d have read that:

CO2 levels are rising at a dramatically faster rate.”

More than half of US bird species threatened by climate change.”

We’re 20 years away from catastrophe, warns PricewaterhouseCoopers.”

None of that makes any sense to a Christian conservative. You see, what atheist liberals don’t understand is that God never makes any mistakes. Therefore, we have a few “facts” and “data” on our side as well:

FACT: God must want us to burn fossil fuels, because why else would he have buried so many fossils when he created the world 6,000 years ago?

FACT: God must want us to be rich, why else would he have made it so easy to send cash to Joel Osteen?

FACT: God wants us to know that climate change is a ridiculous stupid hoax, because otherwise why would he invent Fox News?

Atheist liberals are so fond of statistics, but here are the statistics that matter:

FACT: Only 24% of Americans–and only 10% of Republicans and Republican leaners–worry a “great deal” about the environment.

Why not? Because they trust God…. oh, and because THE RAPTURE IS COMING.

FACT: 41% of all Americans… more than half of the people living in the South… and 6 in 10 Evangelicals believe Jesus will return to Earth before 2050.

So there you have it, friends. Five scientific facts that prove that there is nothing to worry about. Let liberals plan their big climate march. Let world leaders make their pledges to take action.

Conservatives know better… because God.

Atheism causes obesity, teen misbehavior, contraception and sharks!

Today’s letter is about the decline of religion, and its terrible effects on our society and our culture.

Dear Pastor Gregory:As a good Republican — who follows the Biblical model for marriage, of course — I stay at home while my husband works. Needless to say, I have a TON of free time and love watching Fox News (the only fair and balanced source of TRUTH other than Jesus Christ).

If I have learned anything in my years of TV-research it’s that Americans are rapidly loosing their Christian values! We seem to be over-run by atheists in this country, and I’m worried about what might happen as a result?

Sincerely,
Megan

You are so right, Megan! The God, the guns, and the guts that made this country free are being replaced by a pro-Muslim, pro-baby-killing, pro-socialist atheists. And there has even been a study that shows that atheism is on the rise in the United States, and belief in the One True God is on the decline.

Religious Decline, the rise of Atheism

And as far as what might happen as a result of this decline in religious belief… well, I hate to tell you this, Megan, but: It already is happening.

Usually numbers, facts, and statistics are used by the Devil to trick you into believing Worldly-lies, but in this case they seem to make sense. We can take a look at the above graph, showing the decline of religion, and find a direct correlation between that and:

INCREASING OBESITY!

obesity graphGod’s ways are not fat-ways.

In Daniel 1:12 it is written, “Give us nothing more than vegetables to eat and water to drink.” You see Megan, all fat people are worshiping the Devil, and are atheists.

That’s why there are so many fat people right now. To bring this country back to our Founding Father’s healthy habits, celery sticks and ice chips should be the only foods sold for an entire year.

A DECLINE IN TEEN MOTHERS!

Birth rate for teen momsJust 28 verses into the first pages of our Holy Bible God commands, “Be fruitful and multiply!” (Genesis 1:28). With the decline of Christianity in America, this command is being ignored; teenage girls are not able to fulfill their God-given baby-making purpose. We truth-bearing-conservatives must promote legislation that gets our girls pregnant ASAP or the wrath of God will be unleashed – will we be the next Sodom and Gomorrah?!

Compare this graph to the first one, and you can clearly see the relationship: Both are going down. Obviously, the decrease in Godly beliefs is causing a decline in fertility among young women.

INCREASING CONTRACEPTION USE!

contraception use graphIt’s with cosmic crochet needles that God “knits us together in our mother’s womb,” (Psalm 139:13) making this decline in American religiosity far more terrifying than ever before. In many states like California, baby-killing has become a sport in which Democratic legislators battle for the most throats they can force contraception down! Ok, that might not literally be true BUT THIS GRAPH IS STILL SCARY FOR TRUE CHRISTIANS!

Once again, I have to point out the obvious relationship between this graph and the first one: as belief in God goes down, contraception use goes up! COINCIDENCE???

….AND AN INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF SHARKS BEING CAUGHT!

Graph number of sharks caughtLook at this terrifying graph. As Godliness in America has steadily declined, so the number of sharks being caught has gone up. Could the end of Christendom could also mean THE END OF SHARK WEEK!? Second only to the Christmas season, Shark Week is an American holiday dating back to the times of Pilgrims and Indians… but as religion is replaced with idolatrous Obama-worship, sharks are being caught.

If the liberals have their way, they will be replaced by non-violent pacifish (illustrated on the graph to the left for your convenience)!

Is that what you want, America? Is that REALLY what you want?

Sincerely,

Pastor Gregory

 

RELATED ARTICLE:  Obama causes lightning, cats, and suicide!

This Congressional map proves Benghazi was NOT caused by a video!

Benghazi was completely different from all of the other protests caused by a video. It was caused by Obama's incompetence

This graph has been taken straight from the Congressional report “Recent Protests in Muslim Countries: Background and Issues for Congress” (PDF). It proves beyond any doubt that Benghazi is completely different from the dozens of other protests going on throughout the Middle East at the same time, all in protest to an American video, but the one that happened in Benghazi is totally and completely different and anyone who ever thought otherwise was obviously lying and deluded and stupid and OMGWTF.

All of this is very important because Deputy National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes sent an email September 14, 2012 to some people that said, “Hey I think maybe this Benghazi thing was in response to an anti-Muslim video.”  This is a COMPLETE OUTRAGE AND SCANDAL and also an OBVIOUS LIE! and PROOF OF A COVER-UP.

The argument is as follows:

1) I do not believe Benghazi was caused by a video because you have not proven it to me.

2) You then told someone to tell people that it was caused by a video

3) Therefore you are lying and covering up the truth

This is all very simple.

Now, somebody might ask how I know FOR SURE that it was stupid and ridiculous to think that Benghazi was caused by an Islamic video?

Well, that’s why I colored the dot on the map blue, people. Just to make that clear.

Try to keep up.

Jeez.

Use your brain, morans.

Stand Your Ground, the comic strip

Believe it or not, every step in this comic represents an actual news event surrounding the evolution of Stand Your Ground laws. See the transcript below for details.
Believe it or not, the steps in this comic represent real news events in the evolution of Stand Your Ground laws and their consequences. See the transcript below for details.  Comic Art by Erin Weinstock (systemcat.deviantart.com)

TRANSCRIPT:

Florida: New thing! Stand your ground! You scared? You shoot! It’s ok. Everybody quick get guns.

USA: Wow. This seems like a bad idea.

Florida: Stand your ground! It is so good. You just wait and see.

USA: Crazy stuff keeps happening to Florida. Can you look into it?

Journalist: Based on the evidence of over 200 cases, it looks like the way Stand Your Ground is being applied and who is being convicted…

Florida: NO NO NO NO! Media bad ! Stand your ground good! You go away! Freedom!

USA: You mean, like Freedom of the Press?

Florida: You twist words! Stand your ground good! YOU SO MEAN! I SCARED! I SCARED!

[Florida shoots Journalist]

Florida: See? Stand your ground good. So good.

 

Story Credit: Matt Mager
Art Credit: Erin Weinstock

Top 10 reasons people say you shouldn’t file your taxes!

Every year on April 15, millions of Americans wait until the very last minute to turn in their taxes to the Internal Revenue Service. They spend lots of time and money preparing paperwork in the hopes that the government gives them a small amount of the money that was stolen from them in the first place!

But REAL AMERICANS know that there really is no need to pay taxes. To prove this, I have scoured the Conservative Internet, and collected the top 10 most popular reasons mentioned in blogs, comments sections and social media that people have found explaining why you SHOULD NOT FILE YOUR TAXES on April 15th!

10. The government can’t be trusted with your money

Did you hear that the United States government is spending $750,000 for a new soccer field at Guantanamo Bay? What about the $13,500 tab the U.S. Postal Service picked up at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, or the $82,500,000,000 the government spent on food stamps last year? Clearly, the government is wasting all the money in brings in from YOUR tax dollars! Why should you pay the bills they rack up doing nothing that is worthwhile?

You can't trust the government with your money. What if they make it smell like noodles?
You can’t trust the government with your money. What if they make it smell like noodles?

9. Nobody ever asked you if you wanted to pay taxes

Remember when you turned 18 and you received a letter in the mail that asked you if you wanted to voluntarily give half your money to your local, state, and federal government that can be allocated by your elected representatives? No you do not, because this never happened. America was founded on the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Since the government started taking your tax money without asking you, your right to liberty is being compromised. Take it back.

8. We already have roads

One thing the Democrat party always wants to bring up when it comes to the role of taxes is that it is how roads, bridges, and basic infrastructure are funded. It is impossible to live in a society without utilizing the resources that taxpayer dollars have birthed. That’s all fine and great, except we already have roads, so we don’t need to pay taxes anymore! They did their job. Us patriots will take it from here!

Roads are st00pid

7. It’s what Vladimir Putin wants us to do

Putin wants Russia to be the world’s superpower, and his ability to make America act in whatever way he wants them to is unrivaled. So if the United States government wants its citizens to pay taxes, that means Vladimir Putin wants us to pay taxes! That means you’re practically paying taxes to Russia, and are you Russian? Well, you might be, because America is a melting pot and if you are that’s okay. But if you aren’t Russian, then why would you ever pay taxes?

6. Barack Obama pays taxes

On Friday, President Obama released his 2013 federal income tax returns, revealing that he and the First Lady made $481,098 and paid $98,169 in total taxes. As you are well aware, everything that this President does is awful and you should not try to mimic him in any way. That includes by paying taxes.

5. Filing your taxes makes it easier for the government to take your guns

By paying taxes, you are placed on a list that is maintained by agents of the Internal Revenue Service. If it’s easy for them to audit you, then imagine how easy it would be when they decide to declare Sharia Law and take your guns away! Obviously that’s the reason why they ask you for your name and social security number when you file your taxes. Why else would they need that information? What do they think you’re trying to hide?

This "news" story was later found to be completely false. However, by the time that happened it had been copied to over 100 conservative blogs on the web. A couple of sites, most notably InfoWars, have issues retractions. Most have not.
This “news” story was later found to be completely false. However, by the time that happened it had been copied to over 100 conservative blogs on the web. A couple of sites, most notably InfoWars, have issued retractions. Most have not.

4. Income taxes are literally weapons of mass destruction

Someone WHO HAS A PH.D. has written a book that is really popular on World Net Daily and Breit Burt, where he says that, “Income taxes are political weapons of mass destruction used by governments against their own people,” and that “During the past century, the IRS has grown into a vicious, hydra-headed monster, a bureaucratic despot, completely out of control and in principle uncontrollable.” Gosh, that sounds super scary, and clearly doesn’t contain any hyperbolic language at all.

Taxed to death

 

3. Corporations don’t pay taxes

The conservative Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are people, which is great news for people who love freedom. Verizon, News Corp., General Electric, Boeing, and a bunch of other people do not have to pay any taxes. So why should you? Is the government saying that you are not worthy of the same freedoms that these people are?

2. They can just make more money

The Federal Reserve is just going to print more money whether you like it or not, so they might as well just print as much as they need instead of taking your money all year and doing God-knows-what with it. If President Obama and his cronies won’t take the hint that deficit spending is the worst thing any government could do, what’s stopping them from just printing more money? Can’t explain that!

JUST PRINT MONEY!

 

And the top #1 reason that I found mentioned on the internet that you should not pay your taxes is…

1. Okay but seriously did you guys see what happened on Game of Thrones last night?

Joffrey was a nice kid. He deserved to be king. Why is it that we always lose the good leaders too soon? My eyes are welling up just thinking about this. I don’t know why the government can expect me to cope with this AND give them money in the same week. Have they no decency?

And now, for your entertainment:

Obamacare: conservative logic versus liberal facts

WE HATE HEALTH CARE!You are a conservative. You know how to use your brain. You believe things because you have thought them through, and they make sense to you. They seem logical. Unlike liberals, who believe things that totally make NO SENSE AT ALL, just because they have “statistics” to back them up.

Nowhere is difference between conservatives and liberals more apparent than with Obamacare. Let’s take a look.

CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: Employers will reduce their number of full-time employees in order to avoid the costs associated with Obamacare. We will become a part-time employment nation!
LIBERAL FACTS: The  Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) has found that part-time workers in the U.S. fell by 300,000 since the Affordable Care Act became law.  In just the past year, full-time employment grew by over 2 million.
VERDICT: Conservative logic sounds good, so it must be right. The statistics must have liberal bias.

 

CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: Millions and millions of people are losing their health insurance because of Obamacare! I know it must be true because I keep hearing these stories!

LIBERAL FACTS: The fact is, millions and millions of people had their policies cancelled every year, before the Affordable Care Act came into being. On average, only 17 percent of people ever retained coverage for more than two years prior to the Affordable Care Act becoming law. After the ACA became law, by contrast, only a relatively small number of people have been asked to change insurance policies because their existing policies were not compliant with the new standards:
Survey of cancellations since Obamacare

VERDICT: I heard tons of horror stories on T.V. This obviously outweighs these actual numbers. Numbers have a liberal bias.

 

CONSERVATIVE LOGIC: There will still be uninsured people after Obamacare is fully implemented. The whole point of Obamacare was to insure everybody. Therefore, Obamacare was completely pointless and achieved nothing.

LIBERAL FACTS: The Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index shows that 15.9 percent of American adults are now uninsured, down from 17.1 percent for the end of 2013.  That is about 3 million to 4 million people who have coverage now who did not have it before.  The total number of Americans without health insurance is projected to reach its lowest number since 2008.

Plus, it is worth looking at why some of the people who remain uninsured got that way. There are currently 5 to 8 million people who can’t access Medicaid because their Republican political leaders oppose Obamacare. This isn’t a failure of Obamacare, it is a direct result of obstruction from conservatives. Nothing makes this more obvious than looking down at the breakdown by state of the total number of uninsured people before and after the implementation of the Affordable Care Act: notice that those states that opted in show dramatic reductions in uninsured citizens, while states that opted out do not show the same reduction: Uninsured numbers by state before and after Obamacare

VERDICT: All these numbers are confusing. The bottom line is that some people still aren’t insured, which means Obamacare didn’t solve every single problem, which means it was pointless and a complete failure. How can you argue with that kind of logic?

Clearly, you can’t.